• Penile Fracture, Hilary Swank, Dinosaurs and UFOs

    January 23, 2009 3:22 am 1 comment
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  • This week’s email inbox was filled with plenty of good but mostly odd questions. At this point I’d like to ask our readers, or more likely passer-byes, to at least be decent and not send gross, pornographic images embedded or attached to your emails. That’s just not right.

    On to a few of the more ‘out there’ questions from this week:

    Jack, Michigan: I have an odd situation and was seeking your sage advice. I ask you to please chance my name and not reveal my email if you publish this question.

    Several months ago I suffered a penile fracture. My wife and I have been happily married for 10 years come this April, but since the penile fracture is starting to cause problems with our sex lives. She feels somewhat guilty as it occurred during our marital relations (and she’s a somewhat larger lady) and I unfortunately did not have an ideal recooperation. We thought to see a sex therapist but she’s very uncomfortable discussing my broken penis in public. The bedroom has been an important aspect to our relationship, and now I fear that she’s not content. What do we do to bring the spice back?

    This is a very odd situation and a penile fracture is a very rare thing to suffer. While I find it surprising that your recovery has complicated your ‘marital relations’ to the point of you not being able to function, problems in the bedroom can always lead to big trouble in marriage.

    This is right up there with infidelity and betrayal. Though your wife may have been responsible for it, it does not mean she’ll not be tempted by other men…since you say you based a big part of your relationship in the bedroom.

    Due to that, my advice is you’d better quickly man up, get over the social stigma and visit a moral relationship/marriage counselor. Just put everything on the table. They’ll start you on a path to alternate routes to keep the fire alive in the bedroom. Don’t be a woman and hesitate about this, your marriage is on the line. Good luck.

    jimbo : I’m a college student from Georgia and I have a confession. I love Hillary Swank. The first time I watched her in a full movie was The Reaping. I find her to be very beautiful and if I could [censored].

    [censored]

    [censored]

    So as you see, I have a bit of a problem and need to figure out how to get over my love of Hillary Swank. She is hot and my girlfriend is starting to get annoyed with all the posters and stuff. Help!

    As Pastor Jack always says, pornography is drugs for the mind. Unless you are a dumb, weak fool it should not be too hard to throw away some pieces of laminated paper.

    If you truly love your girlfriend, simply ball up all the stash of magazines and posters, and throw them in your uni’s trash bin. Done.

    Now what concerns me is the contents of your email. You are a person that’s deeply infected with an unnatural perversion. While you and your girlfriend are probably not practicing abstinence, granted what you said, if you really want to fix yourself refrain from your desire until marriage. Instead, devote your extra energy to things like sports, hard work and volunteerism. Do things where you have to be a moral leader. You’ll be surprised at how for you can come.

    AtheistWire: You [censor] are a bunch of lame retards. I just read Pat HIlenkeladshebiein’s or whoever’s ridiculously dense attempt at denying evolution. Seeing you try to talk about science, is like watching a cavebaby trying to explain quantum mechanics to it’s parents. So my question to you is this. Why are you types so dumb?

    I actually forwarded this one to Pat. Here’s what he had to say:

    Hello AtheistWire,

    Before proceeding to lecture someone such as myself on the nuances of evolution and how it actually works, it would be prudent to employ the correct usage of ‘its’ and spelling ‘Heinkel’ correctly. Those things are core to reading comprehension, which you apparently lack, young friend.

    Sincerely,

    Pat Heinkel

    The following is a forward Jbox wanted included this week, citing it as an example of why public schools need basic religion courses to teach respect and another consideration for applied science:

    Alex: wow. you really don’t understand the english language at all. i will ask you one more time: ARE YOU A COMEDY WEBSITE YES? OR NO? i thought the last email you sent was funny. this one was hilarious. but i still don’t understand whether it’s funny because you are intentionally writing comedy, or if you are so deluded as to believe that prayer in schools was actually a good thing. that whole separation of church and state thing we have going on in the united states of America means that you should keep your crazy misguided ignorant beliefs away from children who could be damaged by hearing such drivel. evolution is a real phenomenon, jesus was black and he [censor] every night, and guess what? the earth is way older than 6,000 years, it’s more like 4 billion.

    hail satan (editor’s comment: no) and let’s go get some abortions!
    alex

    Our Loyal Reader Alex,

    In response to such a troubling letter, a proper grandmother would encourage you to wash your mouth with soap. She would sternly insist that you use real tough soap like Lava or straight lye to do this, not the new fragrant, perfumed soaps that effeminate liberals try to trick grown men into believing can properly clean the body. That way, your mouth would not be able praise satan and abortions in the same sentence!

    The problem with today’s society is that religion is not being taught in place of science in schools. If it were, you would understand how to unify the theory of evolution and the universal law of creationism.

    Your very troubling message may be addressed again in the Hate Mail section of ChristWire, good friend. Hopefully whatever evil that plagued your heart in this last email will have passed over you.

    Sincerely,

    Your Moral Leaders at ChristWire

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    About The Author
    Chuck Reagan Bringing back morality one kneecap at a time.

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