China – Kim Jon Il, the absolute dictator of a small Chinese province known as North Korea and the sworn enemy to the United States, is celebrating his birthday today. The ornery little dictator is turning 67.
Best known for his chique pea-green dictator jump suits and odd haircuts, Il is a man who also takes great pride in being a thorn to the side of freedom and democracy.
Along with other global dictators such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Arabias), Fidel Castro (Cuba) and Hugo Chavez (Mexico), Kim Jon Il sits on the board of directors for the League of Antagonistic Dictators (Lads) and for his years of very commendable crimes against freedom, the noble President George W. Bush gave him high accolades and as such placed his country in the official Axis of Evil.
Honored, Kim Jong Il responded in thanks to his nomination by randomly firing his nation’s scud-caliber rockets all over the place, in very comedic fashion.
While not the most powerful of the members of the Axis of Evil, what Il lacks in infrastructure, personal physical prowess or legions of terror, he routinely compensates in comedic tenacity, personality and wily shenanigans.
It’s said that Kim loves American movies, having a collection of over 20,000 films and even loving American movies so much, that he kidnapped a film-producer so North Korea could make some cool films too. On the weeekends, Il’s favorite thing to do is drink the alcoholic beverage Hennessey while watching Rambo, Friday the 13th and Bond flicks. He’s also known for oddly making everyone leave a room and locking doors whenever he decides to watch an old Elizabeth Taylor movie.
Kim is also passionate about celebrity worship and sports, which figures since pagans have a tendency to worship idols. Dictators of course are no exception. Kim is especially fond of Michael Jordan and Barbara Streisand, both of who he idolizes and has gone as far to sign a treaty in exchange for Michael Jordan’s signature.
While Kim Jong Il is more of an annoyance than a concern, it is important to remember that the North Koreans are indeed Chinese commies and as such, can be very dangerous. Back in 2002 – 2006, the rascally Il managed to build and test nuclear materials and claimed to have even detonated a nuke underground.
It’s little things like this that make you know Il is just as crazy and unpredictable little clawed kitten, and for that, you have to love the little fella just a bit. Even though he’s dangerous and can still savagely scratch you to pieces.
So happy 67 today, Kim Jong Il. May our agents one day catch you and have a nice, friendly talk with you at a secret freedom facility in Eastern Europe.