• Who Invented the Automobile, China?

    February 25, 2009 8:01 am 7 comments
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  • Last week the Chinese were being very smug and arrogant, making fun of fair America because for the first time in the history of the modern world they managed to sell more cars than us.

    Now much like you, I am extremely terrified of Chinese people, but I’m not racist. The fact that they so blatantly cheated to outpace America in auto sales this year, then start having national parties to gloat about their dishonest and relatively insignificant victory is just more evidence of their deep-seated desire to beat us at everything!

    Yes, today it may be automobile sales. But tomorrow it may be your life. Your precious little loved ones too.

    As China continues their victory parties, there is one thing I would like this great land of pagan magics and extreme anti-Americana patriotism to answer . Who invented the automobile making process?

    Now this search result may be blocked in the Chinese web search, so I’ll tell you.


    George Selden. Ransom Olds. Henry Ford.

    These Titans of industry created the market for the automobile, and the hard-working, innovative American people started the process of mass producing these wonderful chariots of the modern age.

    America is also a benevolent power, therefore we taught the rest of the world how to make a proper gasoline power car and make them affordable, so anyone, even poor pagan farmers in countries that like to mock the very people who gave them technology, could afford them.

    Now it has come to pass to where for once, the student has temporarily surpassed the teacher and I do not find the student’s antics, granted their perceived victory, very nice. The teasing, taunting and other sophomoric antics are just very inappropriate, China.

    All America has ever asked in return for teaching the world how to make cars is that you use them for good and love, and also let us have access to our nice oil in the Arab countries that have it in their soil.

    At every turn it seems, however, that the world has abused this wonderful technology that America drafted for the good of all mankind. The Germans exploited our technology of mass production and attempted to blitzkrieg the world into oblivion. Even though America saved the world from the NAZIs, it still broke everyone’s heart –including that immortalized heart of Mr. Ford– to know Germany would employ the technology for evil.

    Still, yet, we rebuilt Germany and their allies in Asia, giving them the tools to create companies such as Volkswagon, Mercedes, Toyota and Honda. What is the thanks we get?

    The Germans create high-priced cars that fly right in the face of our principles of creating affordable automobiles of all, then laugh at American cars for being ‘cheap and inferior’. Meanwhile the Chinese and their friends sell questionably built cars for very cheap, laughing at America when their billions of people buy these cars and therefore have better auto-sales than the the good U.S.A for a brief fiscal period.

    Know this, however, you automobile Brutus’. Life is not a stageplay and the American automobile empire shall not fall by the tips of daggers wielded by ungrateful subjects. Nay!

    We shall rise and after saying ‘Et tu, Brute?’ to all you no good, Judas countries who have benefited from our automobile technology, we will not fall over in a pool of our own life-blood, but instead innovate and recreate an automobile market the likes of which the world has never seen.

    With the glorious pools of its life-giving oil in toe, the American automobile industry will indeed rise again and be the envy of the modern world. There is no one that can dissuade the economically sound, feasible, frugal and yet stable ability of American innovation and craftsmanship. No one will be able to stop our efficient, practical and affordable machines from once again dominating the global market.

    No one.

    An American car traversing the cute little streets of Europe

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