• God Unleashes Winter Fury On New York, East Coast

    March 2, 2009 8:40 am 11 comments
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  • Panicked New York resident attempts to flee the icy torrents of God’s winter wrath.

    The power of God has been revealed once again, this time as he has suddenly cast a powerful winter storm upon the smug, non-fearing people of the East Coast.

    American East-coasters had grown prideful and arrogant during a relatively mild winter, during which most of them voted for Obama, and now God has struck fear and panic in their hearts to show them who’s boss.

    Wildly flailing residents of the New England region have taken to the streets in chaotic panic, some seen running around in frenzied, confused circles as their cars have been cast stuck in their driveways and their portals of travel covered with ice.

    Meteorologists, soothsayers who use various incantations for weather prophecies, tremble in fear as even their sciences show that God’s wrath will put at least 14 inches of winter snow upon the harlot-ridden lands of New York and beyond.

    Video capture shows the path of Gods wrath front as it travels upward along the East Coast.

    Video capture shows the path of God's wrath front as it travels upward along the East Coast.

    As the cold grip of God’s bitter wrath sets in, the hearts and minds of the terrified East Coasters race and burn with fear.

    Already, schools have been forced closed and government officials have been forced to announce winter weather advisories, a sure sign of admitting defeat to the divine power of nature.

    Home Depot’s throughout the region claim that they are running short on rock salt, as freezing, frightened customers are buying it up by the bag load. This is surely related to the pagan ritual where people can be seen sprinkling salt on their driveways and sidewalks, as if that will somehow make God’s Angel of Cold Calamity passover their homes.

    Judgment has come upon the sinful East Coast, and there is nothing the residents can do now but pray. Last week it was all fun and laughs as politicians and businessmen alike passed Obama’s socialist economic stimulus package, but now that the frosty fury of God has been unveiled the formerly unrepentant populace has realized the result their iniquity. However, it’s now too late to ask forgivance.

    As local residents could be heard crying out and lamenting their fate in the background, a rightfully shocked and awed National Weather Service scientist had this to say:

    “The record for March is 10 inches (25 centimeters), set in 1896. Obviously, based on our forecast, that is in jeopardy. March is coming in like a lion.”

    This is not the type of snow that gets melted within 24 to 48 hours.”

    If you have friends or family in the distant lands of the American Orient, all you can do for them at this point is pray. Pray that their sinful hearts ask forgiveness for what they have done, especially those who helped pass the economic stimulus package that will turn America socialist.

    Their only hope to brave this unprecedented outpouring of wrath, the likes of which has not been seen since 1986, is by admitting that the relentless cold chill has tempered their iniquity and made them realize the wrong of their liberal ways. This realization must set in the hearts of your loved ones, lest the next warmth they feel may be a fiery fate that will burn them forevermore!

    ChristWire Video – Winter Judgment Sweeps East Coast
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    About The Author
    Jack Gould Pastor Jack "Jbox" Gould is a local best-selling author, motivational speaker and youth pastor extraordinaire at Langley CC, where his stories about the laid back California life and relations to Jack-in-the-Box bobble heads are all the rage. Email Jack a Question

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