• Dallas Cowboys Form Heavy Metal Band, No Longer God’s Football Team

    April 3, 2009 3:10 pm 5 comments

    Does God care about which team wins a sports game?

    God and sports. This is a topic that comes up quite often, usually around the end of a game from fans of a losing team, during a big sporting event. Does God really directly intercede on behalf teams on a playing field?

    I can think of no team better than the Dallas Cowboys to answer that yes, at times, he does. God watches sports and he does intercede. At one point in time the Dallas Cowboys, down in Texas, were so good that people started to call them ‘God’s Team’.

    Only a decade ago locals would tell you Dallas’ stadium had a hole placed in its dome so God could look down and smile upon his team as their noble quarterback leader, Troy Aikman, lead their team to victory after victory and three Super Bowls.

    Superbowl XVII (1993) Dallas Cowboys 52 – Buffalo Bills 17
    Superbowl XVIII (1994) Dallas Cowboys 30 – Buffalo Bills 13
    Superbowl XXX (1996) Dallas Cowboys 27 Pittsburgh 17

    But then after 1996, something bad happened. The Dallas Cowboys started to get absolutely horrible. The people of Texas started turning away from their Godly traditions. Atheism started to rise. Let’s look at this trends scientifically from the following charts.

    Figure 1.1 (click graph for full size display)

    As you can see, the data indicate from the 1990s until now, Texas has seen its percentage of non-Catholic Christians (proper) drop from 68 percent to 48 percent. That is a 20 percent drop in proper Christians. This finding by the American Religious Identification Survey was disturbing, but it explains everything.

    Even more disturbing and bad for the Cowboys, is that the number of Texans who have ‘no religion’ in their lives, as reported in the survey, stood at a whopping 12 percent. That’s a 7 percent increase from the time when the Dallas Cowboys were God’s favorite football team.

    So fans of the Cowboys today understand that their team stinks and had a horrible 9-7 record last year because THEY BETRAYED GOD. God struck them down with Hurricane Ike for their impiety and then on top of that, their desperate sinner’s prayers for God to ‘oh please bless the Cowboys to win this game and I promise to go to service on Sunday’ were ignored because the prayers were not sincere.

    The less practicing Christians you have in your state, the worse off your sports teams are typically bound to do. Texas learned it that hard way. Just look at the lowly Detroit Lions. 0-12. They are the worst team in the history of football.

    Why? Just look at who their Obama pet feminist governor is and then research the term “Kwame Kilpatrick” to see what these Michigan people are all about. Their leaders are corrupt and many people in the state are atheist, philandering adulterers too, so when they begged to God for their team to not be horrible, he probably just shook his head at their audacious nerve.

    Now at this point some of you skeptical types will ask, ‘Well, if one team wins doesn’t that mean the prayers of people asking for the other team to win were ignored?’.

    The answer is of course a team will lose. That’s the entire point. God loves competition and that’s why he blesses Americans who embrace capitalism. If he chooses to intercede and bless a football team to heal up from injuries more quickly or have a miraculous last second touchdown due to a gust of wind, it’s because the people on the winning side competed to be better Christians.

    They worked harder to ‘compel people to come to church’, as the Bible tells us to do, and they were more consistently faithful to God in the off-season.

    God hates spiritual adulterers who cheat on him and lay as prostitutes for Satan, and every day the the people of Texas are scratching their souls that have been infected with the venereal disease of sin.

    The latest offense against God in Texas comes from the Dallas Cowboys themselves. They have created a heavy metal band named Free Reign with slogan ‘Heavier Than Metal’. As you know, heavy metal is one of Satan’s favorite inductive tools to lure kids into prostitution, drug use and teen pregnancy.

    All these things are anti-God so if you’re a fan of the Cowboys or Texans, just save your energy and don’t even bother praying. God does not like either team (especially the Cowboys) and they will both have poor years unless you all start repenting and start converting people back to Christianity.

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    Abe If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack. Follow me on twitters. Poke me as your New Friend on Facebook!!

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