• Man Tries to Rape Raccoon, Raccoon Bites Off Man’s Penis

    April 6, 2009 2:55 pm 36 comments

    Man tries to rape raccoon, defiant raccoon bites of man’s penis.

    A dirty Russian wanted to forcibly stick his sinrod deep into a raccoon’s stink, but instead today the man finds himself penisless, the victim of a ferocious mauling by the teeth of his would-be furry victim.

    Like so many stories that involve rape and pain, the backstory here started with a 44-year-old man named Alexander Kirilov and his best friends, who went out for a night of whiskey and whores.

    Like me, many of you may have been at that point before. You have a long week at work or just want to get away from the pain in life, so you down us much booze as you can and let the alcoholic spirits set in until the fat, sweating hookers at a bar start to not look so bad.

    Unlike millions of normal Joe’s who hit the weekend bar to get away from it all, however, this Kirilov took getting messed up to an all new level.

    As he staggered outside bar, likely in a side alley, Kirilov saw a raccoon who must have been seductively sauntering around a trashcan, teasing the Russian with its flowing furry locks and exposed backside.

    Kirilov then reportedly leaped onto the animal, pinning it down and trying to rape the creature.

    A hospitalized Kirilov said of the night, “‘When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun.’”

    If fun involves trying to force your way into a raccoon’s pudding factory and getting your manhood mauled off for it, Kirilov has enough happiness to put Disneyland out of business.

    Russian surgeons were shocked at the mangled stub of flesh and it remains to be confirmed how much they’ll be able to help Kirilov after conducting plastic surgery.

    This news story is extremely gross and of course trying to fill up an animal in any way, form or fashion is pretty wrong.

    I’m assuming the majority of readers here today are of normal mindset, so the other aspect of this story — going off to a bar and getting hammered with friends because your life sucks — is the topic I really want to get at.

    As a kid I had a math teacher who’d tell us, daily, “Life is tough, then you die.”

    It pretty much described my outlook on life through childhood and through a good part of my adult life. Life is tough. You die. To get through it, you can turn to many things. For a while I turned to drugs, booze, cheap women and being the life of the party.

    Despite the money and fast lifestyle, at the end of the day I was still empty inside. You may feel that same way too. A lot of my fellow Christians in this community don’t like me because they say I’m crude or don’t push stuff the right way.

    That’s just me. And if you’re trying to fill a void in you with a ravenous lifestyle and you still feel empty, maybe you should think about changing what you’re doing.

    Change to what? That’s up to you. I turned to God and religion and I am content. Maybe you should consider it too, but what’s good for me may not be good for you. That’s your choice. My point is don’t keep doing stuff you know is destructive, because that’s just as dumb and will leave you no better off than the dude who tried to pull an old SN2 mechanism backside attack on a poor raccoon.

    D.D.M.

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    About The Author
    Dean Miller God is all I have and I hate emotions.

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