• Woman Makes Bad Sandwich, Man Cuts Her

    April 4, 2009 10:13 pm 12 comments
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  • A girlfriend made a bad sandwich and her fiance cut her finger like a inebriated butcher to a shank.

    Allegations fly and this story begins when woman made a sandwich for her fiance, Lyndel Toppin. Lyndel yearned for a sandwich with the cheese laid on it just right.

    According to reports, his fiance failed. The cheese placement, it was all wrong.

    “Specifically, the cheese placement was all wrong, which infuriated Toppin. That was the catalyst,” said police Superintendent Michael Chitwood.

    The cheese was to go atop a meatball sandwich, which one can assume was of the hoagie variety like an eager high school girl will prepare for you on a Thursday night at Subway. $5 footlongs.

    The ink on the affidavit reads ‘[he] became enraged due to the victim not placing cheese on the hoagie roll correctly’.

    It would have been a better night had Lyndel and his fiance chosen the capitalist health facade of Subway instead of trying to make sandwiches on their own. Instead Lyndel’s fiance made a sandwich that angered him like a steel clawed bear who just had his privates stung by a diving armada of furious bees.

    Like the bear, Lyndel released his anger by swiping and cutting. Allegedly.

    Reports say after seeing the poorly made sandwich Lyndel armed himself with a knife and slashed his fiance’s finger. It bled.

    The attacks did not stop. Records state Lyndel Toppin then bit his teeth deeply into his fiance’s wrist. His devotion to not letting go would have impressed the most dogged of mean pitbulls.

    An investigator stated, “Toppin bit down on the victim’s arm and would not release his bite.”

    The deep finger laceration required 23 stitches to mend and Chitwood was disgusted the ligament damaging injuries:

    “It was a barbaric attack,” said the police Superintendent.

    Born and raised in West Philadelphia, Toppin faces many assault charges in a court of law.

    Another Superintendent, John Reilly Jr. quips, “Wait until he gets a load of the prison food.”

    Don’t bite women, men. It’s immoral. It is a crime in the eyes of the law and the eyes of God.

    D.D.M.

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    About The Author
    Dean Miller God is all I have and I hate emotions.

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