• God Unleashes Creature of Apocalypse Upon Alaska for Sarah Palin Retirement

    July 17, 2009 11:10 am 16 comments
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  • O Woe unto you, perverse state of Alaska! The plagues of heaven reach up from the depths of the sea and shall bring dark wrath upon your icy shores and homes!

    You have hidden your veil sins behind igloo walls and whale blubber, but you deveilwhores for Satan forgot you CANNOT HIDE FROM THE ALMIGHTY OMNIPRESENT EYES OF GOD!

    Last week Sarah Palin announced she would be leaving her throne in Alaska, the throne ordained for her by God!

    Instead of settling for the position God gave her, one that he had to imbue her mind with a man’s knowledge to even do, Sarah Palin is a typical women and using her extra knowledge to taste forbidden fruits of high-end politics!

    I bet God leapted off his throne with anger and rage, stomping his feet when he read Sarah Palin’s proud quote that she will be ‘splitting the Republican party!’ when she runs for president in 2012!

    God was so angry that he reached deep in his belly and commanded the very bile of the Earth to come forth and consume the land of Alaska. Local residents are confused and scared as they see God’s coming sea of doom:

    Quote: Anchorage Daily News

    Something big and strange is floating through the Chukchi Sea between Wainwright and Barrow.

    Hunters from Wainwright first started noticing the stuff sometime probably early last week. It’s thick and dark and “gooey” and is drifting for miles in the cold Arctic waters, according to Gordon Brower with the North Slope Borough’s Planning and Community Services Department.

    Brower and other borough officials, joined by the U.S. Coast Guard, flew out to Wainwright to investigate. The agencies found “globs” of the stuff floating miles offshore Friday and collected samples for testing.

    Later, Brower said, the North Slope team in a borough helicopter spotted a long strand of the stuff and followed it for about 15 miles, shooting video from the air…

    Nobody knows for sure what the gunk is, but Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer says the Coast Guard is sure what it is not.

    It’s certainly biological,” Hasenauer said. “It’s definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

    Something else: No one in Barrow or Wainwright can remember seeing anything like this before, Brower said.

    “If it was something we’d seen before, we’d be able to say something about it. But we haven’t …which prompted concerns from the local hunters and whaling captains.

    The stuff is “gooey” and looks dark against the bright white ice floating in the Arctic Ocean, Brower said.

    “It’s pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it,” Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose — just bones and feathers — to the borough’s wildlife department.

    “It kind of has an odor; I can’t describe it,” he said.

    Of course it has on odor, Brower. It’s wrath!

    Alaska, you better call your woman off trying to split the GOP or you will all smell a ‘pe-culiar’ odor when you nostrils are filled with sulfur when God casts the entire state right into hell!

    Did this Palin woman not already learn that she cannot be a Mom and a president? Does she want Bristol to become the village Octomom and then face gallows and scarlet letter wrath of the community?

    Such shame should have made Palin happy to be home. Her sins of bad parenting shines on all of you, Alaska! Your ruler has caused a good man of God, noble Senator John McCain, to not inherit his birthright to be our next Christian president!

    Due to Palin and you, Alaska, we have a liberal baby-murdering hipped hopper who likes to stare at a Brazilian child’s rumpus inhabiting the Presidential Office!

    I spit frozen giblets of spit upon you Alaska and I hope you realize that Satan is always in need of ice cubes for relief from hell’s heat! He’ll welcome you into his burning vats of sin if only to have your frozen souls to cool things by a few disease!

    The wrath of God is great my friends, like an old man who had forgot his morning glass of prune juice with breakfast.

    Be afraid, be VERY afraid if this woman you have allowed to get out of line splits God’s Own Party!

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    Abe If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack. Follow me on twitters. Poke me as your New Friend on Facebook!!

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