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Secret Soviet Russian Subs Found Patrolling America’s East Coast
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Alert! Alert! Fear and panic race through Washington, as the Soviet Russians have relaunched the Cold War!
Early this morning, while innocent and defenseless American families on the East coast remained asleep, US surveillance caught two Soviet nuclear submarines ominously lurking only several miles from the US East coast.
Undoubtedly armed with enough nuclear armaments to wipe American cities off the map, these submarines are aggressive and may have been patrolling America’s border for days now.
Update: Moscow Confirms Subs, Refuses to Move Them Off America’s Border
The world is in peril. Only moments ago, Russian generals heralded their nuclear submarines that face America’s coast and the submarines are a clear sign of Soviet aggressiveness!
The cold-hearted, atheist Soviets justified their actions with standard Kremlin twists of facts and Soviet propaganda.
Source: Yahoo! News
A top Russian general says two nuclear-powered Russian attack submarines that have been spotted off the U.S. East Coast are part of regular patrols.Anatoly Nogovitsyn, the deputy chief of staff of Russia’s armed forces, says the patrols are not newsworthy.
Nogovitsyn said Wednesday Russia resumed the submarine patrols after restarting strategic bomber patrol flights in 2007…
…U.S. defense officials said Tuesday that the Russian submarines had been patrolling in international waters for several days…
Nogovitsyn said the patrols were “a normal thing” and suggested the U.S. also has submarines patrolling near Russia.
Our American officials have stated that we currently have no cause for concern, for the subs have dared not do any action that is cause for extended worry.
The Soviets are testing America’s mettle, just as they did with the Cuban Missile Crisis. Instead of trying to stockpile nuclear-powered weapons in Cuba, however, this time they are just floating nuclear-powered subs and potential plane bomb-run lanes all through international waters.
Only America has a God-given right to patrol the Earth, and the Monroe Doctrine expressly forbids any foreign aggression in our Hemisphere of Earth or any other land we claim to be under our protection or surveillance.
We must show our American power to the Soviets before it’s too late! Imagine the sorrow in your heart when the Soviets invade and your sons are forced into gulags while your wife and daughters are forced to keep a fat, drunk vodka-swigging soldier’s bed warm during a Siberian winter?
These are the things that fill a Soviet soldier’s fantasy and we have no choice but to re-declare Cold War upon the Godless communist regime!
Let us build lasers upon our American moon! Let us send men to Mars and plant flags to claim the planet in the name of our Christian nation!
At the end of World War 2, God blessed America with nuclear weapons. He allowed us to quickly bring peace to Japan and the rest of the world by giving us but a few teaspoons of divine bombing power.
Sadly, Democrats have shared the secrets of our Heavenly Birthright with sadistic nations that do not have the decency to have God’s name in their anthem, money or hearts!
For this reason we have no choice but to simply stockpile the most nukes. We must stockpile millions of nukes not only in our country, but the lands of all of our allies as well. They are with us or communist.
America is superior due to God’s favor: we are capitalists. We allow his money markets to run free, God’s invisible hand the only guiding force that’s needed to control it.
We trust him with our money and he trusts us to defend his people from harm. Rest assured that we have weapons that are better than nukes, and I will shout with glory once we unveil them to the world and once again strike down the communists with fear of our God.
They will tremble once we assemble a complex satellite network that’s capable of swatting their slow Russian missiles out of the air. Their cold hearts will race with panic once they get a taste of our super-laser.
Their worthless potato-chucking troops will cry when our new EATR robot technology ravages their land and fallen whiskey scented corpses.
Woe unto a nation that stands before our Christian might! The Soviets have declared war and we surely will finish it, all to protect innocent Americans from being squished by the rusty tracks of a Soviet tank.
12:06 pm
“lurking only several miles from the US East coast.”
While the Russian patrols certainly aren’t something to ignore, let’s not inflate the situation with lies. The subs are patrolling in international waters. International waters begin 200 nautical miles from the coast, which is a wee bit more than the “several miles” you espouse.
Again, this is still of some concern, but it’s not like we could swim from shore to ship…
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2:09 pm
Wow Jack. You sure are a wuss aren’t you? Did you need to change your Depends undergarments after learning about those big bad submarines in international waters? Grow a pair.
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5:21 pm
“Fear and panic race through Washington”
You’re the only pussy who’s panicking, you douchebag.
“these submarines are aggressive”
Where is your evidence that they are aggressive?
“The world is in peril”
No…no it’s not.
“Our American officials have stated that we currently have no cause for concern”
I’m trusting our American officials. Perhaps you should pull your tongue out of your scrotum and trust them, too.
“all through international waters”
Note the word INTERNATIONAL.
“Only America has a God-given right to patrol the Earth”
Proof, please?
“we have no choice but to re-declare Cold War upon the Godless communist regime!”
Actually we have plenty of choices that do not involve violence, but your head is too far up your ass to realize that.
“Let us build lasers upon our American moon!”
We don’t own the moon, and we have no right to exploit it for destructive purposes.
“Let us send men to Mars and plant flags to claim the planet in the name of our Christian nation!”
I’d like to send you there, along with Adam, Dan, Abe, Amber, and all the other asshole writers on this site and shove you all out the airlock with no space suits.
“At the end of World War 2, God blessed America with nuclear weapons”
How do you know that it was god and not satan…or scientists?
“For this reason we have no choice but to simply stockpile the most nukes. We must stockpile millions of nukes not only in our country, but the lands of all of our allies as well.”
Are you blind, dead, or just stupid? I’m guessing the latter, because we already have hundreds of thousands of nukes. We have the power to destroy the earth several times over, which is absolutely horrifying. NOBODY should have that power.
“The Soviets have declared war”
No they haven’t, you asspelunker.
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10:56 pm
Pastor Gould, I would like to apologize on behalf Claire and everyone else. Her comments are rude and disrespectful to your pastoral authority.
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6:20 am
Fuck you, Adam.
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7:16 am
Hear hear, Claire…
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12:55 am
reading this little article is a simple reminder of why me and countless others do not go to church anymore. and if what adam nelson says is right and you are a pastor, you are a poor one for the brash and violent suggestions of demonstrating our power to a powerless nation that you know nothing about. you are a complete contradiction of your faith by imposing your blind and irrational fears to people that look to you for guidance. i am truly sorry for them. the beauty of america is freedom of speech, but when you begin to assume you know gods will,(“At the end of World War 2, God blessed America with nuclear weapons”)maybe you should consider doing something else with your time instead of instilling fear and doubt in the hearts and minds of many christians. in the end all that really matters is love, happiness, and my unrelenting faith and honor to god, and all humanity. no matter what happens here on earth, i know god is with me always.
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3:57 am
Well, show good example, oh US of A.
Withdraw your nuclear submarines from the world seas and defuse their nuclear missiles.
Why are US submarines patrolling the seas? That’s clear act of aggression! Why does US hate the world? Why are you prepared to destroy all other nations with your nuclear missile packed killer submarines?
You know, as long as the Russian (didn’t you notice Soviet Union is there no more?) are in international waters, they can be where they want to and do what they want to.
You’re sad example of hate promoter.
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4:49 am
The international waters are there to keep the Soviets and Europe from terrorizing mercantile zones, and America has to enforce the law we created as such. Let’s not forget how the Eastern hemisphere was tearing itself apart in the 1940s, and it was up to America to set the world to peace, create the UN (just to keep Europeans from fighting, much like we suggested in the Great War as well) and then set up rights for all humans.
We ordained these things and we have a responsibility to keep Earth safe. Russians, on the other hand, are communists and not to ever be trusted.
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6:22 am
Adam, get back in the kitchen and make me a goddamned sandwich.
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6:32 am
Yes, dear.
Just stop cursing though.
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6:37 am
Stop being a sexist, intolerant bigot, and I’ll stop swearing.
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6:22 pm
did you even read the article? your assumptions and pessimism are a mirror image of the man who wrote this article. if you read my post you’ll find no hate there. the mere fact that we haven’t blown the submarines out of the ocean or raised political hell is enough evidence in itself that we do not have this vendetta that you suggest towards the world. we cannot evolve as a world sociologically, with the reclusive, cynical antics people like you promote
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2:08 am
Oh great an evolutionist. How do you think the world is going to ‘evolve’? Preposterous.
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6:27 am
Adam, you do realize that “evolve” can mean different things, right?
–verb (used with object)
1. to develop gradually: to evolve a scheme.
2. to give off or emit, as odors or vapors.
–verb (used without object)
3. to come forth gradually into being; develop; undergo evolution: The whole idea evolved from a casual remark.
4. Biology. to develop by a process of evolution to a different adaptive state or condition: The human species evolved from an ancestor that was probably arboreal.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/evolve
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1:05 pm
thanks claire, some people need to be spoonfed their information. lol
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9:59 pm
“We must show our American power to the Soviets before it’s too late! Imagine the sorrow in your heart when the Soviets invade and your sons are forced into gulags while your wife and daughters are forced to keep a fat, drunk vodka-swigging soldier’s bed warm during a Siberian winter?”
The Siberian winter is coming to the south! Oh, no! What are we going to do? *sarcasm*
“For this reason we have no choice but to simply stockpile the most nukes. We must stockpile millions of nukes not only in our country, but the lands of all of our allies as well. They are with us or communist.”
Actually, America and Russia are allies, meaning they’re with us. They’re Communist.
“They will tremble once we assemble a complex satellite network that’s capable of swatting their slow Russian missiles out of the air. Their cold hearts will race with panic once they get a taste of our super-laser.”
You mean like in Star Wars? They have super lasers, and you hate Star Wars, as proven in your attack of the snuggies article. Also, we already have a more than sufficient anti-missile defense network.
“Let us build lasers upon our American moon! Let us send men to Mars and plant flags to claim the planet in the name of our Christian nation!”
And then get cabin fever, since the dust found on Mars is scientifically proven to be poisonous! Yes, that sounds VERY smart, doesn’t it? The moon is technically in international airspace. This means it is not American. Lasers still have limited range, are extremely expensive, and we are in about a trillion dollars in debt.
“Woe unto a nation that stands before our Christian might! The Soviets have declared war and we surely will finish it, all to protect innocent Americans from being squished by the rusty tracks of a Soviet tank.”
The Soviet Union was disbanded. Russia’s tanks do not have rusty treads. One of the founding principles of our nation is freedom of religion.
“Their worthless potato-chucking troops will cry when our new EATR robot technology ravages their land and fallen whiskey scented corpses.”
The EATR robot must be controlled by a human, and if the person controlling it, as if it were in a videogame, which you despise, would be committing a war crime by mutilating a body, resulting in a trade embargo between other members of the UN.
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