• Secret Soviet Russian Subs Found Patrolling America’s East Coast

    August 5, 2009 8:58 am 17 comments
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  • Alert! Alert! Fear and panic race through Washington, as the Soviet Russians have relaunched the Cold War!

    Early this morning, while innocent and defenseless American families on the East coast remained asleep, US surveillance caught two Soviet nuclear submarines ominously lurking only several miles from the US East coast.

    Undoubtedly armed with enough nuclear armaments to wipe American cities off the map, these submarines are aggressive and may have been patrolling America’s border for days now.

    Update: Moscow Confirms Subs, Refuses to Move Them Off America’s Border

    The world is in peril. Only moments ago, Russian generals heralded their nuclear submarines that face America’s coast and the submarines are a clear sign of Soviet aggressiveness!

    The cold-hearted, atheist Soviets justified their actions with standard Kremlin twists of facts and Soviet propaganda.

    Source: Yahoo! News
    A top Russian general says two nuclear-powered Russian attack submarines that have been spotted off the U.S. East Coast are part of regular patrols.

    Anatoly Nogovitsyn, the deputy chief of staff of Russia’s armed forces, says the patrols are not newsworthy.

    Nogovitsyn said Wednesday Russia resumed the submarine patrols after restarting strategic bomber patrol flights in 2007…

    …U.S. defense officials said Tuesday that the Russian submarines had been patrolling in international waters for several days…

    Nogovitsyn said the patrols were “a normal thing” and suggested the U.S. also has submarines patrolling near Russia.

    Our American officials have stated that we currently have no cause for concern, for the subs have dared not do any action that is cause for extended worry.

    The Soviets are testing America’s mettle, just as they did with the Cuban Missile Crisis. Instead of trying to stockpile nuclear-powered weapons in Cuba, however, this time they are just floating nuclear-powered subs and potential plane bomb-run lanes all through international waters.

    Only America has a God-given right to patrol the Earth, and the Monroe Doctrine expressly forbids any foreign aggression in our Hemisphere of Earth or any other land we claim to be under our protection or surveillance.

    We must show our American power to the Soviets before it’s too late! Imagine the sorrow in your heart when the Soviets invade and your sons are forced into gulags while your wife and daughters are forced to keep a fat, drunk vodka-swigging soldier’s bed warm during a Siberian winter?

    These are the things that fill a Soviet soldier’s fantasy and we have no choice but to re-declare Cold War upon the Godless communist regime!

    Let us build lasers upon our American moon! Let us send men to Mars and plant flags to claim the planet in the name of our Christian nation!

    At the end of World War 2, God blessed America with nuclear weapons. He allowed us to quickly bring peace to Japan and the rest of the world by giving us but a few teaspoons of divine bombing power.

    Sadly, Democrats have shared the secrets of our Heavenly Birthright with sadistic nations that do not have the decency to have God’s name in their anthem, money or hearts!

    For this reason we have no choice but to simply stockpile the most nukes. We must stockpile millions of nukes not only in our country, but the lands of all of our allies as well. They are with us or communist.

    America is superior due to God’s favor: we are capitalists. We allow his money markets to run free, God’s invisible hand the only guiding force that’s needed to control it.

    We trust him with our money and he trusts us to defend his people from harm. Rest assured that we have weapons that are better than nukes, and I will shout with glory once we unveil them to the world and once again strike down the communists with fear of our God.

    They will tremble once we assemble a complex satellite network that’s capable of swatting their slow Russian missiles out of the air. Their cold hearts will race with panic once they get a taste of our super-laser.

    Their worthless potato-chucking troops will cry when our new EATR robot technology ravages their land and fallen whiskey scented corpses.

    Woe unto a nation that stands before our Christian might! The Soviets have declared war and we surely will finish it, all to protect innocent Americans from being squished by the rusty tracks of a Soviet tank.

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    About The Author
    Jack Gould Pastor Jack "Jbox" Gould is a local best-selling author, motivational speaker and youth pastor extraordinaire at Langley CC, where his stories about the laid back California life and relations to Jack-in-the-Box bobble heads are all the rage. Email Jack a Question

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