Slavery was the awful engine that drove empires and destroyed Africa. It planted the dangerous roots of cigarette smoking and racism around the world. Now popular social networking site Facebook.com is embroiled in an attempt to bring back this vile institution and trash the last hundred years of American social progress.
Astonishingly and sadly, Facebook.com is being accused by me of a stunning and offensive case of human slavery. Men and women are being tempted and bribed in the most horrendous of ways to sell their mothers, their fathers, their brothers and sisters and even their friends and children into servitude for the obscene monetary pleasures of a select elite few. The selling price is chilling it’s so cheap. Aren’t you worth a little bit more than 10 cents on Twitter and 7 cents on Facebook? Have you no pride, America?
2009 Market Prices for Facebook People:
- 1,000 of God’s Children for $177
- 2,000 of Our Sons and Daughters for $321
- 3,000 Handsome Hunks for $438
- 4,000 Cool Chicks With Pretty Photos for $555
- 5,000 Souls to Work Your Friendship Fields for $654
- 10,000 Helpless Fans To Prop Up Your Failing Career for $1,167
We find that each Twitter follower we have is worth about $0.10 to us every month. Therefore, for every 1,000 followers, you’ll should earn around $100 from them per month. Have 10,000? That’s a further $1,000 per month for you or your company.
– uSocial Secret Twitter Strategy
Who is buying America’s children off the auction block for their own hedonistic, self-obsessed pleasures? The Hollywood elite is, of course, a target audience. I can just imagine your Megan Foxes, Ashton Kutchners and Robert Pattinsons lining up to buy our precious children at wholesale prices. These liberal elites have a fanatical need to get in contact with the youngest and cutest of human beings. They want these beautiful souls on their fan and friends lists so they can promote their terrible reality shows and painful music concerts. They need your smiling and sexy faces on their photo pages to convince us they are cool. The celebrity set is surely salivating at the prospects of all of you subscribed to their every tweet. They want to text message you at school, send you alerts in the dead of night and lure you to motels on the edge of town. Major and unscrupulous corporations are funding these slave ships as well, hoping their new and virile captives will drop anchor and dollars in their fast food chains and supposedly hip clothing stores.
You don’t have a large following on Facebook, do you? Well, that’s where uSocial can help. We’ve just launched a world-first range of products which will enable you to invest in packages of up to 5,000 targeted Facebook friends, or up to 10,000 targeted Facebook fans which we will deliver to your very own profile in a matter of weeks.
– uSocial’s Secret Marketing Plan
But What Does This Mean For The Future?
I can just imagine the terrible market that will surely develop when these celebrities start to sag and the corporations grow weary of their rebellious chattel. Will awkward teens be sold off at bargain basement prices to the Kmarts and WB Networks of this world? Will the elderly and infirm be cruelly unfriended, left alone to post photos and blog updates that no one reads? Or will they be dropped off in the dead of the night at Barbara Striesand’s MySpace page? Will the middle-aged Facebookers, so desperately networking their way out of crushing and thankless work, find that all their hard online clicking was useless, that they’ll forever be stuck in suburban life, unmarried and drowning in credit card debt because no one wants to buy them? Will our less than trendy college students be shunned by marketers, left to find out about Rihanna’s new album or Judd Apatow’s latest masterpiece from their Mothers?
Please click on the “Share on Facebook” link above and get the word out that we Americans oppose this disgustingly cheap and dreadful bondage!