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Cracked.com Teaches Children How to Throw Gay “Furry” Orgies
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Abe
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cracked.com devilwhores jake and amire liberal leftwire conspiracy liberal mediaSatan’s favorite hobbies include luring people to sin with exposed flesh and telling sick jokes around the water cooler, so there is no doubt that his sulfur-laden hand is behind a sick new internet site named Cracked.com.
The smell of rotten sin is strong on this one. I can only assume their “columnists” lay back in their dank offices and smoke dangerous, addictive drugs like Magic Mint as they come up with insane headlines like Marigina legalization” and How To Win A Fight Against 20 Children.
There is no one that hates children more than gays, as for as you know for every one gay four children get improperly diddled, and after a few more headlines you’ll come to realize that “Cracked” is simply a front for the gay agenda!
Sure, these devilwhored scamps have sections devoted to exposed woman flesh and such, but do not be fooled! It is all an attempt to distract us as they carry out their true agenda to corrupt children and college students with thoughts of gays playing with each other’s furry satan scepters!
If this was 500 years ago I’d demand a trial so we could vote these liberal witches guilty and watch them float to the bottom of an icy cold Salem Lake that suddenly transforms to fire when they sink straight to Hell!
When loyal ChristWire contributor Janice first alerted me to their liberal sermons on gay furry orgies, I spit out my morning Oat Bran in disgust! Never have I heard of a furry orgies and if I were God of Universe for the day my first act would be to torture these heathens!
Look at this excerpt! Warning: The following media text archive contains dangerous teachings that espouse the homogay agenda and liberal methodology. Please first pray and then order women/children to immediately leave the room before reviewing and discussing with responsible adults for your parenting group.
I turned around to see a fat tiger standing on its hind legs in my living room. Stunned at the sudden appearance of a bipedal jungle cat in my home, it took me a moment to realize this was Mike. “Holy cats man, what are you doing?”
“Just getting a little more comfortable,” he said. An incredibly disturbing sound emitted from his head somewhere. Hours later I would realize, while shaking violently, that this was meant to be purring.
“Here’s your money,” he said, putting $20 on the table. Cynthia’s friend placed $20 on top of that and, with a wink, ducked past me and headed to the bathroom.
“Wait, whoa. What exactly do you people think my ad said?”
Cynthia and the fat tiger exchanged a glance with each other. “You said you were a
furry enthusiast who wanted to hold a party.”
I gaped, incredulous at what she just said. “My ad? The ad which said I had two mint condition Care Bears for sale? A Bedtime Bear, and a Love-A-Lot Bear? That ad? You read that and thought I wanted people to come over, dress up as animals and fuck each other in my house?”
Cynthia squinted at me, as if I was the one being insane in a tiger costume. “You posted an ad in the Services Offered section with the words ‘Bear,’ ‘Bedtime,’ ‘Love-A-Lot’ and ‘Come on down?’ Dude. You knew what you were asking for.”
“You’re saying I posted a coded message advertising my fervent desire for people to get their sex smell all over my house, WHILE DRESSED AS ANIMALS!?”
…
My anger is filthY! Fitth! I spit in rage that they are teaching these things to our children! Rest assured that these gay supporters think it’s all fun and games to call their site Cracked and post these articles that are marinated in the filth of fecal sins, but mark my words! The only thing that will be cracked are the teeth of all involved parties as they gnash in the pits of hell!
Satan loves a cheerful sinner and it looks like these foul miscreants are relishing in what they do! I have no doubts that the whoredogs Jake and Amir have their sugar plummed anus fingers in the mix here, and I’ll be writing a powerful letter to demand they take this furry article down or face the eternal pits of Hell!
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Thank you for visiting!
1:12 pm
Being a furry does not make you gay…It’s a fetish which can involve anyone with any lifestyle. I know straight furries. You see someone different from you and assume that they’re Satanistic sinners. God made us like this. Some people are “turned on” by other means. The furry community a long with AB/DLs is one of the largest there is.
This is 2009 not 1862.
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2:21 am
OK this is satire but furfaggotry has no excuse. call it emo call it furry it is still a bunch of undersexed dildo riders that need to get out and fuck like men.
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1:14 am
Oh dear, i could literally go on a 2 hour rant about everything wrong with this website, but ill just say this. Wrong, this is just wrong.
Also, if i were to meet the authors of this website in real life, id literally beat you up. Regardless of you being a pastor or whatnot, I don’t want my children to ever read anything like this. It’s disgraceful, racist, insensitive, bigotted, biased, and very very offensive.
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8:06 pm
I think you will find comfort in knowing that this website began as purely satirical, making fun of extreme conservatives. And the idiots take it seriously, which causes the articles to become even more ridiculous, yet these bigoted “gods children” agree, because they’re too blinded by their ignorance and religion to know better.
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7:03 pm
“If this was 500 years ago I’d demand a trial so we could vote these liberal witches guilty and watch them float to the bottom of an icy cold Salem Lake that suddenly transforms to fire when they sink straight to Hell!”
The Salem Witch Trials didn’t begin until the late 1600s, idiot.
“When loyal ChristWire contributor Janice first alerted me to their liberal sermons on gay furry orgies, I spit out my morning Oat Bran in disgust!”
Perhaps you should oat brans?
“My anger is filthY! Fitth!”
Wait…your anger is filthy? What the fuck does that mean? How can anger be filthy?
“and I’ll be writing a powerful letter to demand they take this furry article down or face the eternal pits of Hell!”
A powerful letter? What are you gonna do, Abe, tell them about your filthy anger? Yeah, I’m sure they’ll be really impressed.
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1:13 am
I can’t imagine this not being a troll post. The hate level and ignorance simply don’t match up with the competent spelling and grammar. Not only that, but it manages to hit on as many bad Christian stereotypes as possible. JT97 noted that this site is probably actually run by Cracked, and I’m inclined to agree. If it’s not run by Cracked, it’s run by someone very similar.
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8:07 pm
It’s run by the Onion. Sadly, thousands of idiots take it seriously.
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12:52 pm
i think the people who originally started this site made it as a joke but then new people joined took over and actually believe the trash they write
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10:19 pm
I find it funny how ignorant the authors on this site truly are…I’m just starting to think that this site is for trolling…Or these guys truly are white supremesist (almost KKK) Christians…
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10:37 am
Dude. Almost every article has you spitting out food. You think you’d learn not to eat while at your computer. Jeez… I hope you clean it well all sorts of junk could start covering your keyboard. On second thought maybe the mold and bacteria will prevent you from posting any more crap, so please continue your habit of spitting copious amounts of tasteless breakfast cereal all over your computer.
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8:54 pm
this guy abe isnt a real person, right?
its a joke. nobody really talks like that. it would be really unhealthy to be that angry and offended all the time. how would he survive the modern world?
this guy cant be real. its meant to provoke a reaction. somebodys having a laugh.
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11:13 pm
Thank GOD for SARAH PALIN!!!! She’d deal with these FURRY FIENDS by SHOOTING them from a HELICOPTER.
THIS IS
SPARTA!!!WASILLA!!!Praise or Condemn:
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11:43 pm
This site is better than The Onion.
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7:29 am
Thanks, OP. I needed a good laugh.
“exposed woman flesh”
And thanks for that link. She’s absolutely gorgeous!
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3:15 pm
Is this site… for serious???????
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9:14 pm
Holy shit, I just fapped hard to that GorillaMask link. AWESOME ARTICLE
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12:19 pm
hey abe im really happy for ya but tom hanks is the greatest retard evur
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12:25 pm
exposed woman flesh really its not boob unless you see nipples gtfo
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2:00 pm
This article has to be a spoof
has to be.
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2:05 pm
Funny… praise Jebus!
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7:22 pm
“For every one gay four children get improperly diddled.” Oh, I guess this attack plan explains what the priests have bee doing.
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11:05 pm
hahahaha is this site serious? i laughed at your article far more than i laughed at the article on cracked. “furry satan scepters”? hahahaha you have got to be kidding me. whoever wrote this article is a fucking douche. and an ignorant douche at that. the level of absurdity contained in your article made me laugh at every sentence written. i sure hope this site is a joke. or at least this article. because with all the creative names for the male genitalia you come up with im starting to think you are the one that is a homosexual. get a life. and half a fucking brain cell as well. fucking hilarity i say !! hilarity!!!!!
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10:30 am
Holy shit, people!! Grab a dictionary or just Google the word SATIRE!!! It’s humor! And it’s funny shit at that!! Way to go Abe!!
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1:52 pm
Damn, That was funny as shit. I love how he spelt marijuana, doucher. Why dont you live your own life, not gods.
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4:06 pm
anyone who takes this seriously is hopelessly retarded. IT’S JUST FUNNY YOU STUPID FUCKS. sheesh.
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12:56 am
Do you guys not realize that the crap you say on here is more filth than these websites can ever produce?!
And I quote:
If you don’t like what you just read here you can just get out of my country.
Seriously? What kind of Christian talks like that? Oh right – the typical ones that pushed me out of church for so freaking long.
People like you make me sick. You claim to be people of God but you treat others like this. Show some respect, God is about LOVE – or do you not know the term “agape”? Seriously… God is love – not hate. Quit supporting the cause. Half the people on here probably didn’t even know about this website until you gave it this lovely bit of advertising – ever think about that?
The sword cuts both ways, Christians – remember that, before you get it implanted in your brain from doing things the wrong way like I had for so many years.
Christianity is about faith, hope, and love.
Not acting all high and mighty like so many of you just did. Believing in God doesn’t make you better than anyone else. We are all EQUAL in HIS IMAGE – what part of that don’t you understand? Oh, and until I see you in the oval office, I don’t so much think you can ban people from your country.
Jus’ sayin.
Peace.
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1:58 pm
stop your silly ness. you dont know anything about trhe christian god so stop pretending the crap you pick up on sister sister is any truths about the bible. you are full of lies and distort the truth. go to church, listen to a priest and maybe you learn something TRUE about Christians. i am just so sick of you lies on here people like this.
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4:23 pm
Ahem. Ask yourself this, before you throw someone under the bus because they aren’y like you: Wouldn’t god punish cracked.com in some way shape or form if it was truly evil? Why the intolerance that you all exhibit on a daily basis? It’s satire. Learn acceptance. When you do, we’ll break bread. You are human, and therefore family. It sickens me to see people act as anything but that. Just answer this: are you or are you not descendants of adam and eve? Yes? PLAY NICE. Both sides of this comments page.
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12:58 am
One more thing – woman are also equal to men. Quit misinterpreting the bible. In my marriage, I’ve screwed up in the past – my wife hasn’t.
The women who are messed up are usually messed up because of men who belittle them. Women deserve a lot more respect than most of us men do.
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9:45 pm
These people are all perverts and disgusting. I dont know how they can get off this kind of erotic toy thing. it all pedofiles to me. Stuffed animals are for children, not gay dress up. I want to cry when I read this. Thank you Abe I am excited I can help!
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4:23 pm
“For every one gay four children get improperly diddled.” Oh, I guess this attack plan explains what the priests have bee doing.
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1:55 pm
you are a pervet for having these thoughts. and it was the catholics anyway not the mainsteam america christians who got accused. the baptists and protestants didnt have the child sex scandals like the catholics. i think its because so many are italian and irish. they are lovely people mind you, just different that the founding father religion types. you are just offensive for throwing that accusation here.
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12:30 pm
Is this site just as much farce as Cracked? Every time I see ads for saving the kids in Guatemala or supporting missions in Quatar – I seem to think “Hmm. Do I support westernization of the world?”
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1:56 pm
pres bush is no longer in office so stop writing your dumb consipracy theory. no body wants to listen to you angry liberals any more. you and michael moore are the reason the economuy and jobs is so bad. its your lazy thinking and dumb economy policy. you should get back to a real job and make your mother proud not typing all day like some lazy internet pervert.
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7:32 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! IS THIS SITE FOR REAL! PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS SATIRE!IF NOT YOU’RE ALL FUCKING MORONS!OH AND JESUS GAN GO FUCK HIMSELF IN TH ANUS WITH GOD’S GIANT DILDO
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7:47 pm
Peeps, this site is fake, and almost certainly run by cracked. The writing style is nearly identical; also notice the picture of the “author” on the China article
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8:21 pm
You’re Christians right?
Then forgive them.
And if you don’t forgive them, then you fail at your own faith. You’re already failing as it seems that you guys are taking judgement into your own hands, having a prejudice against something you have no right to judge. Now, Jesus didn’t teach you to hold grudges, did he now?
Well done at making Christ think you’re an asshole! Keep on going, and -you- will be the ones going to hell
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3:08 am
You do all realize that this site is a joke right? Take a look at the authors picture and description at the bottom of the article.
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9:32 am
You do realize that if your kid throws a “Gay-Furry-Orgy” chances are he’s gay? Shocker, I know.
BTW, it was a heterosexual furry orgy. Get your facts straight.
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5:56 pm
DURR HURR I’M A CHRISTIAN, I DON’T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION DESPITE THE FACT THAT I USE PRODUCTS EVERY DAY BASED ON THE EXACT SAME SCIENCE AND PRINCIPLES, ALSO I LABEL THINGS AS “BLASPHEMOUS” TO JUSTIFY MY INNATE HATRED AND ANGER FOR ANYTHING I DON’T UNDERSTAND, CONDEMNING OTHERS TO TORTURE AND HELLFIRE, YEP I SURE AM PIOUS.
ALSO, NINE OUT OF TEN CHRISTIAN PRIESTS DIDDLES KIDDIES, BUT I GUESS I’D JUST BETTER NOT MENTION THAT HERE WHILE I’M OUT CRUSADING AGAINST “THE GAYS”
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9:18 am
check out what they are doing to Jesus. that is not right
http://www.jesusdressup.com/
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10:00 pm
This better be satire of some sort.
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1:55 pm
Lol, clearly this is not a serious article if it has “improperly diddled” in the body.
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7:15 pm
This has GOT to be a troll. Really. It just has to be. I refuse to believe someone could seriously type this horrible, prejudiced crap.
Ok. Cracked.com is an hilarious satirical site. Very little of it is meant to be taken seriously. This whole furry thing was a simple parody.
You claim to be a Christian, and yet you teach hatred. I’m an ‘evil, sinful atheist,’ and I have more respect for my fellow humans than you do. I am friends with gays, gamers and cosplayers, all of whom are wonderful, caring people.
You know what? The more I look at this site, the more I think it’s a troll site. I mean, “Moral alearts? Praying to decide who needs boycotting?’ If this ISN’T a troll site, then…well, you’re certainly not Christians. I’d guess at sad, lonely people who evidently never got out much.
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3:31 pm
well do you know the westboro baptist church it’s a fanatical sect under the christian name
so there is a SLIGHT chance that these people are real but seeing their photo … they look like 1900 and before
and anyway they probably suck at geography and history as well china is not japan or korea they are all different country and different culture and different writing and language
Hawaii and alaska are states of USA well alaska was to Russia before USA buy it
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10:10 pm
I really am sorry that the world thinks all Christians are like this…
Trust me, Christianity is almost a polar opposite of this site…
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12:56 am
This is not a real Church website; it is a troll website designed to make Christians look bad.
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4:03 am
This was some funny shit. I really hope this is a joke website making fun of intolerant christians and not real.
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12:49 pm
this site sucks
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10:08 pm
Dude…
The devil enjoys ‘small’ sins way more than the big ones. Little lies, hypocritical, condemning ‘religion’, etc.
Stuff like that makes you think you don’t NEED salvation.
The very Bible says that all sins are equally evil.
Please… True Christianity is about God’s love. Do you really think that’s what the world is getting from articles like this?
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6:23 pm
May god have mercy on the souls of those that condem others with no knowledge of who they are. You say “God hates gays” but something tells me that more than anything else God hates ignorance and hate mongering like this^^ i’ll see you all in hell
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6:25 pm
You know, it occurs to me that while some people believe that god hates gays just because they are gay. I’m pretty sure that he really hates ignorance and hate mongering like what is done on this site so much more. See yall in hell you hateful ignorant aholes (who are probably actually extremly gay, but put up sites like this to try and hide that fact from everyone else)
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11:54 pm
“There is no one that hates children more than gays”
That is soooo not true. Gay people have just as much potential to love children as do any other sexual orientation. Many gay people are fighting for their right to adopt children since they can’t conceive children on their own.
“Never have I heard of a furry orgies and if I were God of Universe for the day my first act would be to torture these heathens!”
You’ve never heard of them because you’re an ignorant, close-minded fuck. And how arrogant to even speculate being a god. If you were God, I’d shoot myself and hope I went to hell. I’m sure all the decent people would be there. Don’t worry Abe, you’ll be reincarnated like everyone else. If heaven and hell were real, I’m sure you’d be going to hell.
“Warning: The following media text archive contains dangerous teachings that espouse the homogay agenda and liberal methodology. Please first pray and then order women/children to immediately leave the room before reviewing and discussing with responsible adults for your parenting group.
I spit in rage that they are teaching these things to our children!”
Homogay is redundant, and it’s not a real word. Order WOMEN and children to leave the room? Oh, because of course, women have much fragiler minds than men do. Who exactly is teaching children about furry orgies? I highly doubt these sites are targeted at children. If your children (prepubescent) are reading about these things, you’re seriously neglecting your job as a parent.
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11:36 pm
Christians like you are the reason it gets such a bad rap….
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9:41 pm
Generally I do not learn post on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thank you, quite nice article.
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