If You’re a Fantastic Pro-Family Republican, Does One or Two Same-Sex Encounters Really Make You Gay?
Another pervert internet blogger is throwing slander at the Republican establishment in an effort to turn a fantastic politician into the posterchild of gayness. The man taking the heat is André Bauer, the next governor of South Carolina when the current Luv Guv Mark Sanford resigns. Sanford, you may recall, is the lusty soul who pampered his South American female playmate with deluxe vacations, fancy dinners and the best hotel suites all on the taxpayer’s credit card. He was caught when he told his wife he was going on a hike and disappeared for a week, leading the National Guide to search the Appalachian Trial while he was secretly canoodling on a Argentinean beach in an unflattering Speedo. Well, Sanford won’t be much longer in the governor’s chair and his second in command, Lieutenant Governor is all pumped up to take his place.
That’s where flamboyant blogger with bulge of bias Mike Rogers toe taps in. He lubed his way into the national consciousness by bringing down idyllic Senator Larry Craig and wise-as-a-whip Representative Mark Foley. This week he has accused 40-year old Lt. Governor André Bauer of secret homosexual tendencies. But Bauer has an absolutely fabulous record defending the rights of families and Christianity. He has loudly opposed Homosexual Marriage, Homosexual Sodomy and Homosexual Adoption. He has profoundly defined marriage as between straights only. Not only that, but he has pushed for the words, “I BELIEVE” and the Christian Cross on South Carolina license plates, fought tax hikes and supported free-market capitalism at every turn.
So this all begs the question, does the accusation of one or two wrong-headed and furtive man-on-man encounters actually make you gay? Couldn’t it be a mistake? If you have a great record fighting against the gays, doesn’t it cross out a few moments humping a younger man against the wall of some hotel room? This debate is far from settled, but it is an important one for the conservative party today.
Friends, we must reclaim the heterosexuality of our wonderful conservative compatriots and deny the gay blogging brigade their attempts to convert everyone to the homosexual lifestyle. It is a choice and one can choose not to be gay, even after a tiny engagement in sodomistic non-heterosexual fornication. For André Bauer, the Jack Bauer of South Carolina, it is most likely the result of the pressures of politics or a night of drinking. Christianity teaches us to judge a man by his actions and to FORGIVE! I forgive you Lt. Governor Bauer and I judge you to be straight for all you have done to protect us from the dangerous gay agenda! Now, let’s move on America!