• The Bike Thief Beatdown: What Would Jesus Do?

    September 10, 2009 1:01 pm 22 comments
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  • Here’s a great moral conundrum for you hippie-hipster ethical relativists who read Christwire for a rare glimpse of common sense. I know you people love the environment and show that by riding around town on your fancy expensive bicycles. You think it’s funny to pedal in the wrong direction or on sidewalks, knocking old men like myself into fruit stands. Big city bike messengers are even more aggressive, throwing epithets if a man dares to stretch out his toe three lanes away from their pedal paths. But you kids also hate wars and fighting and think violence is a Republican thing. Thirdly, you’re a bunch of greedy materialists who are very attached to the stuff you’ve bought with your parent’s money. So this one should be especially hard for you types to figure out. Let me state this in advance: you’re all a bunch of hypocrites for your replies.

    This video was filmed last week in Manhattan’s gay punk rock neighborhood known as the Eastern Village. It shows a man who was caught stealing a very expensive bicycle with a drill. Quickly street justice erupts and a group of well-fed weirdos gather to give him a classic inner-city beatdown. Being a dangerous urban area, the local police forces could not be bothered to get involved. (See the barely coherent rambling of one of the non-prosecuted participants at the bottom.) The video is violent and full of rage, so adults only please! Plus they repeatedly call him “Bro.”

    Watch and ask yourself what you would do:

    A) Join the gang of dirty hipsters who are beating down a possibly mentally deficient bicycle thief named Bro?

    B) Cheer them on and film the event for profit and attention on YouTube?

    C) Ignore the whole thing because you’ve got an expensive brunch and an even more painful hangover to deal with? Darn those Appletinis, Mary!

    D) Do your Christian duty and stand up for the downtrodden, the suffering, the hungry and save Bro from any more damage to his shiny helmet?

    The original illiterate account from The Massive New York Blog:

    Here’s the story. I was having brunch on first ave and first street with a a couple of friends including Alfred. It was a pretty sunny day and a good there was a good amount of pedestrian traffic. Nothing unusual. Alfred went out to make a call and spotted someone looking over his bike. Nothing unusual, he got a hot ass cannondale with hot ass wheels. the guy was average looking, had a helmet and a bag. looked like your average joe casual biker. Suddenly this dude gets on his knees and pulls out a drill. At first Alfred thought he wanted to steal his wheels, until he saw the drill. Is this what it has come out to?! people stealing bike with drills? Anyways as he was getting ready to drill the ulock, Alfred comes in the restaurant and yells,! yooooo someones trying to steal my bike, lets go get him. and let me tell you this ass hole tried stealing the wrong bike. first it was a bike messengers bike and second it was Alfred’s bike and the motherFkr got a temper sometimes. so we roll out to this dude and start pounding him. my first instinct was to get my U lock and bang on him, but my bike was already locked up so, we bumbrushed this dude and started pounding him. Everybody is watching and wondering why this dude is being plumeted, but at that point we don’t give a fuck.we had to make sure this asshole dosen’t do it again. me personal i have had 2 bikes stolen, in like a month apart.fuck that shit.he did’t even look like a bike thief! so while pounding him i reach out to put my phone in my pocket and realized i had a camera on my wait. i pulled it out and captured the second half of the beating!

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    About The Author
    Stephenson Billings Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package! Facebook me here or Fanmail me: StephensonBillings@yahoo.com !

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