No more contractions!
My White Christian American friends,
I have just this morning become aware of a threat to our very society, a threat that could potentially cripple us irreparably. That threat is contractions.
Now, before all you feminesbians out their get your tampons in a tizzy, I am not talking about labor contractions. I am talking about grammatical contractions.
You see, this morning I was sitting on the john reading the morning paper when I was struck by an apostrophe. As you probably know, some of the greatest thoughts and inventions of our time have come while sitting on the john.
Benny Franklin, for example, invented electricity while in the comfort station. And Tommy Jefferson invented Macaroni and Cheese while paying a visit to his slave/mistresses outhouse.
So naturally one can assume that the thought I am about to share with you that came to me while I was sitting on the mystical portal to the sewer world surely must rival those aforementioned inventions as well as every other thought and invention from the past, present and future.
Well, not quite. But I must say it still came as quite a revelation. It is truly a sad story that speaks of the tragedy of the human races past, present and future.
What I realized while sitting on the garderobe was the origin and evolution of the word “nothing.“ The word “nothing“ is actually a contraction of the three words, “not“ “a“ and “thing.“ I am sure you realize the significance this revelation had on me, and the ultimate state of shock it sent me into.
No? Wait. Let me get this straight. You are telling me that you do not see how this simple revelation could possibly spell doom for the structure of civilization and society as we all know and love it?
All right. Fine. Let me start from the beginning.
Two thousand years ago, when language was first beginning to develop, the most basic proper response to the commonly used Negro question, “Wassup, mo-fo?“ was “Not a thing.“
Simple and to the point. It answered the question succinctly and without going into an hour-long monologue about how your wife is having an affair with her sixteen year-old student who just so happened to also be dating your daughter who is now pregnant and quite frankly you resent being called a “mo-fo“ when you are apparently the only person in your entire family who is not doing any fo-ing.
However, at some point in the historic timeline of the human race, someone got lazy. It was probably William Shakesqueer or Henry VIII. Those guys were lazy, Homogay bastards.
In any event, someone decided that the response “not a thing“ had way too many syllables in it and needed to be shortened. Thus came the conception and birth of the word “nothing.“
This reduction lasted for a few hundred years and, for the most part, people were happy with it. However, at some point in the last century someone else got lazy – my money is on Adolf Hitler – and decided that it was just way too hard to pronounce the “ng“ at the end of this poor word. And so the word “nothing“ became “nothin“`.
However, even that was not enough for lazy old humanity. No, sir. In recent years, certain people – most notably, the blacks – have decided that “th“ is too hard to pronounce and so we have gone from “not a thing“ all the way down to “nut`in“`.
Now do you see what this terrible trend means for humanity and civilization as we know it? In another hundred years, just imagine what our language will have digested to. The only words that will have survived our languages degradation will probably be the four basic elements of human survival: pizza, beer, sex and sleep. Though not necessarily in that order.
Surely we must tackle this dilemma now before it consumes us. And how shall we tackle said dilemma? We must stop using contractions immediately. They are for the lazy and weak of heart.
And while we are omitting the use of contractions, we might as well also stop all this nonsense with contractional obligations. I have always hated those.
Which brings me to another thing I have always hated. Tubal litigations. Seriously, we really need to get rid of those.
And while we are at it, women you can stop whining about labor contractions, we all know you just use that whole “labor pain“ mumbo-jumbo as an excuse to hold over mens heads to try and make us feel guilty for making you fulfill your God-given responsibility to the human race. So just take a couple Tylenol and walk it off, already.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: shameful_truth
I look forward to laughing with the Angels, Cherubs, Jesus, and Jerry Fallwell as we look down at the Heathens, roasting in Hell, while we sit back sipping martinis, listening to St. Michael play on his harp while we debate our favorite episodes of 7th Heaven.
8:21 pm
jesus christ you really are insane.
electiricty wasn’t invented it was discovered…it’s allways been here WTF do you thing lightning is?
and no you idea does in no way come even close to that since it’s rubish. nothing started as that it wasn’t a cotraction of not a thing nobody ever said that it’s allways been nothing. and boho langues change all the time over the last few hundre years a few owrds have been pronuced difrently (by some not all it’s not like you can look up nut’in in the dictrionary)but langues never die out unless they become completly obsolete which means they have been replaced by another language(or the people who spoke it all died)
btw i really doubt a german would be able to change the english language whille at war with both england AND USA…
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1:41 pm
Hitler was a terifyingly powerful man, after all.
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5:17 am
he was…in germany…however he wasn’t that powerfull outside and certainly nowhere near powerfull enough to change the language…also when languages change it’s not because one man decide to change it. it’s when quite a big society as a whole decide. but go on tell me how hitler changed the pronouciating of the word “nothing”
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9:10 am
“However, at some point in the historic timeline of the human race, someone got lazy. It was probably William Shakesqueer or Henry VIII”
What The Ugly Fuck? William What? Get a fucking Encyclopedia before writing this Godforsaken irrational, bestial bullshit thank you, and spell it properly! You do not want any contractions? Well, start spelling words of your own language properly! All of them, and stop with your nonsense neologysm like “homogayality” which is not a word, it is an useless tautology which means nothing! Get a dictionary, now!
“Those guys were lazy, Homogay bastards”
Prove it! PRove that Henrt VIII was a homosexual! Historical facts will prove you wrong sir.
If you write something like this on the internet, for public view and scorn I have to say, you must be able and sure to prove your statements. You still owe me an explainantion to your hydeous theory of Tolstoj being a communist!
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1:46 pm
Seriously, sweety, all that is coming out of your mouth is “blah, blah, blah.” Does your tampon need to be changed again? Speaking of which, I find it interesting that you make no attempt to dispute my theory that labor contractions are nothing but another feminesbian guilt trip.
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2:12 pm
Fortunately I just finished with my mentrual cycle for this month, next one due in January. You picked the wrong time.
Second: you always avoid the part of “proving your statements”, which makes your position even more precarious in my own view. Adn not only mine I have to say, since there are other rational people writing here. You are the one shooting only “bla bla bla” all day sir. Not me, since I can actually prove my statements and I am more than willing to do it. It’s a bit difficult, considering that there is an ocean between us and I do not even want to think about coming to US and wasting money just to see your ugly ignorant face.
Thanks for the attention, have a nice evening.
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2:20 pm
Well, seeing as Claire has already helped me prove that the menstrual cycle is nothing more than an excuse for women to whine and not do anything for one week out of the month, I am not really that concerned.
“Thanks for the attention, have a nice evening. ”
Good gravy, has not anyone ever taught you about time-zones? It is morning here, you reeky clapper-clawed hugger-mugger.
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4:37 am
Well, considering that in Italy when I wrote the post it was almost 9 PM, my statement was, from my view, coherent. And you are the one talking about time zones?
About the menstrual cycle…well, you will never experience it, so shut the fuck up!
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1:09 pm
Typical ego-centric European. Just because it is 9:00 p.m. where you are, does not mean it is everywhere else. Please do pull your head out of the sand.
Yes, you are right, I will never experience a period, and neither will you so you can cut the whiny act already.
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7:55 pm
typical ego-centric american. just because it’s morning where you are, does not mean it is everywhere else.
really shameful THINK before you post. THINK!
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7:07 pm
Wow…. you’re annoying.
Have you ever actually had a period or given birth? Just curious, because it’s considered somewhat rude, closed-minded, and unfair to make a judgment on something when you only know one side of the topic at hand. Please be more respectful of others.
Thank you.
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11:24 pm
Who is William Shakesqueer ? Did you mean William Shakespeare ? I just wanna know.
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1:07 pm
Whatever his name is. I do not keep track of all them homogays.
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1:16 pm
then stop writing about them. if you aren’t willing to even the wikipedia check to find out how theire name is spelled then don’t write about them at all. it makes you seem further uninteligent and god knows that not what you need at all. but you know what shameful-asshole-fucker? i don’t belive you. you obviously know who he is considering the amount of times you’ve quoted him. even the fact taht you start to write about him shows you have at least slight idea who he is and the fact that the mispelling some how ends up haveing “queer” in it whille you call him gay pretty much shows it was intentional that you miss spelled it.
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2:26 pm
you still an ignorant, and like Jazze said, stop talking about them !!
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4:35 pm
I will stop talking about them once there are no more of them to talk about.
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8:04 pm
then do the reacherch you dumb fuck.
thats the problem with you people you speak about things you haven’t the slightes idea about.
do you really want me to go back to how the bible is a book with a step by step guide on how to sacrfice children to the sun god, how you get the most leasure from rapeing a cat and hwo churches are nothing but huge orgy houses where you sacrefice your firstborns rightbefore you all have sex in theire blood. thats what i imagine goes on in churches but that far from makes it right. unless you actually do a bit of reacherch and find out about things then you are not qualified to talk about them. i’m not qualified to discus the bible thats why i don’t do it. you’re not qualified to talk about gays balcks or any human relations whatso ever to be blunt. neither are you capabel of discusing cultural or political news. all because it all scares you too much to find out about it.
seriously the best looking into of book you’d do is listening to the explantion of the book from a guy who heard his explanation from a guy who once saw that cover of the real book. then when people who actually read the book challanges your knowledge you deny that you’re wrong even if you have nothing to back yourself up on.
short version: if you wanna talk about stuff at least make sure you know what you are talking about.
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11:18 pm
Wow… good luck! Because nowadays, the gays takes more place! I’m so happy
No, I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t care who is gay! There is nothing to do with you, anyway! Okay, talks about gays if you want, bu I will continue to be by them side !
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8:46 pm
Hey Mr. Shameful, it’s me again.
I didn’t even bother to read this article, or any of the comments, but I’m going to wildly assume it includes attacks against gays, women, blacks, foreigners (Especially the dirty ‘Sweeds’!), as well as claims of US superiority, Christian moral high-ground, your incredibly insight into foreign relations, as well as yet another demonstration of your smorgasbord of wisdom.
So simply another mindless demonstration of your endless stupidity.
That, and of course:
- The fact you won’t reply to this (unless you ‘temporarily release the ignore button’) would underline that you don’t have a logical argument.
- The fact you have made public your hometown (Bucksnort), place of work (Atlanta), occupation (Rocking Chair maker funnily enough), that you have a wife and a six-year old daughter), and your age (40). It’s all ludicrously unbelievable though, as nobody would be naive enough to talk about themselves like that, unless it were out of a blinding sense of pride.
- The fact you vehemently believe that Alaska is an island situated next to Hawai, simply because it is shown as being south of the US on maps! (http://www.kidney.org/about/images/usMap550px.gif)
- The fact you seem to think these comments are copyrighted and therefore prohibit me from taking all those golden quotes (mostly archaic insults) and using them for an upcoming comedy website.
- The fact that you do not know the difference between ‘there’, their’ and ‘they’re’. Also, your repeated use of the words ‘Homogayality’, ‘Sweeds’, ‘Sinhole’ and Chinalien’.
- The fact that your ‘arguments’ are based purely on assumptions. You seem to believe that I really do think I am God, that I am an Anarchist/”Libral”/Homogay/16 year old and most importantly, that the Christwire community is rooting for you. Also, with the exception of Claire, all commenters are, in your eyes, male.
…and many many more!
Anyone feel free to add to the list.
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10:54 pm
I am temporarily releasing the Ignore Button to say that you are a pribbling pottle-deep joithead.
You are now being ignored again. Have a nice day.
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6:37 am
You see, your ‘ignore button’ is completely pointless, as you have replied to almost every comment of mine on different articles anyway, merely letting me know that you’re ‘temporarily releasing the ignore button’ to throw some embarrassing insult as me…
I will continue to criticize you, and you will surely keep defeating the purpose of your red button by feeling the need to keep making a complete fool of yourself, further perpetuating the social stereotype of ultra-liberal bible-belt pseudo-Christian.
Oh, and you haven’t replied to my last comment on here:
http://christwire.org/2009/11/jack-the-ripper-whats-the-big-deal-anyway/#comment-25333
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12:29 am
what he believe Alaska is south of USA … I always thought it’s was Mexico Man I surely suck at Geography
and for female there is quite a Lot on this site and they are against you yes christwire is rooting for you (10 peopleANd shameful you surley like one of those republican who surley have voted against the bill that franklein put ( the bill to help victim of rape in Big company like at most against 7 Billions )
Oh and shameful you surely the type of “chivalrous” guy who would have voted against the bIll that the democrats franklen as proposed ( the Bill who protect women againstrape in big company like Hallinton) yes 30 republican voted against
you surely are also the same perosn who are raped his daughter and didnt wnat to admit it I’m worried about her if she is real because I can’t said if you are real
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1:15 am
For the love of all that is Sacred, Kallios, stop talking. And they say I cannot form a coherent sentence…sheesh…
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7:16 pm
I hope you fall into the toilet next time you sit on it. I also hope that you choke on your own turd and die. Drowning in your own piss would be acceptable too.
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7:00 pm
This is amazingly funny in an offensive kind of way because I know you’re not serious! Hahahahahahaha
Wowwww…. I cant get over it! One of the best fakes I’ve seen on here, that makes 2 great ones in one day! Thanks!
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