• No more contractions!

    December 9, 2009 2:12 pm 25 comments

    My White Christian American friends,

    I have just this morning become aware of a threat to our very society, a threat that could potentially cripple us irreparably. That threat is contractions.

    Now, before all you feminesbians out their get your tampons in a tizzy, I am not talking about labor contractions. I am talking about grammatical contractions.

    You see, this morning I was sitting on the john reading the morning paper when I was struck by an apostrophe. As you probably know, some of the greatest thoughts and inventions of our time have come while sitting on the john.

    Benny Franklin, for example, invented electricity while in the comfort station. And Tommy Jefferson invented Macaroni and Cheese while paying a visit to his slave/mistresses outhouse.

    So naturally one can assume that the thought I am about to share with you that came to me while I was sitting on the mystical portal to the sewer world surely must rival those aforementioned inventions as well as every other thought and invention from the past, present and future.

    Well, not quite. But I must say it still came as quite a revelation. It is truly a sad story that speaks of the tragedy of the human races past, present and future.

    What I realized while sitting on the garderobe was the origin and evolution of the word “nothing.“ The word “nothing“ is actually a contraction of the three words, “not“ “a“ and “thing.“ I am sure you realize the significance this revelation had on me, and the ultimate state of shock it sent me into.

    No? Wait. Let me get this straight. You are telling me that you do not see how this simple revelation could possibly spell doom for the structure of civilization and society as we all know and love it?

    All right. Fine. Let me start from the beginning.

    Two thousand years ago, when language was first beginning to develop, the most basic proper response to the commonly used Negro question, “Wassup, mo-fo?“ was “Not a thing.“

    Simple and to the point. It answered the question succinctly and without going into an hour-long monologue about how your wife is having an affair with her sixteen year-old student who just so happened to also be dating your daughter who is now pregnant and quite frankly you resent being called a “mo-fo“ when you are apparently the only person in your entire family who is not doing any fo-ing.

    However, at some point in the historic timeline of the human race, someone got lazy. It was probably William Shakesqueer or Henry VIII. Those guys were lazy, Homogay bastards.

    In any event, someone decided that the response “not a thing“ had way too many syllables in it and needed to be shortened. Thus came the conception and birth of the word “nothing.“

    This reduction lasted for a few hundred years and, for the most part, people were happy with it. However, at some point in the last century someone else got lazy – my money is on Adolf Hitler – and decided that it was just way too hard to pronounce the “ng“ at the end of this poor word. And so the word “nothing“ became “nothin“`.

    However, even that was not enough for lazy old humanity. No, sir. In recent years, certain people – most notably, the blacks – have decided that “th“ is too hard to pronounce and so we have gone from “not a thing“ all the way down to “nut`in“`.

    Now do you see what this terrible trend means for humanity and civilization as we know it? In another hundred years, just imagine what our language will have digested to. The only words that will have survived our languages degradation will probably be the four basic elements of human survival: pizza, beer, sex and sleep. Though not necessarily in that order.

    Surely we must tackle this dilemma now before it consumes us. And how shall we tackle said dilemma? We must stop using contractions immediately. They are for the lazy and weak of heart.

    And while we are omitting the use of contractions, we might as well also stop all this nonsense with contractional obligations. I have always hated those.

    Which brings me to another thing I have always hated. Tubal litigations. Seriously, we really need to get rid of those.

    And while we are at it, women you can stop whining about labor contractions, we all know you just use that whole “labor pain“ mumbo-jumbo as an excuse to hold over mens heads to try and make us feel guilty for making you fulfill your God-given responsibility to the human race. So just take a couple Tylenol and walk it off, already.

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    About The Author
    shameful_truth I look forward to laughing with the Angels, Cherubs, Jesus, and Jerry Fallwell as we look down at the Heathens, roasting in Hell, while we sit back sipping martinis, listening to St. Michael play on his harp while we debate our favorite episodes of 7th Heaven.

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