The shocking headline gleamed across celebrity entertainment website IDLYITW, revealing that after having his face potentially marred by his wife’s wrath and wrecking his SUV, somehow Tiger Woods claims to be cured of his alleged case of infidelity.
‘Tiger Woods really loved whores until his wife beat him with a golf club and dared him to talk to the police. Now he is a miraculously changed man! TMZ reports his statement issued today:’
“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect. But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions. Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult. I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.”
Yeah, that’s it. He’s sorry. He made a mistake. Specifically, the same mistake over and over until his wife caved his face in with a three wood. I’m not saying he deserved it, but if I fucked this many whores, I’m pretty sure Luke would have to pay a visit to Jabba because it would be obvious at that point that my girlfriend had cut my dick off and froze it in carbonite.
How cute, Tiger Woods thinks it is okay to be the Black Savior of golf and try to steal our sport and then think he can go commit secret sins behind closed doors!
He is public and therefore all Tiger Woods does in his life is our business. You never saw proper golfers like Sam Snead and Phil Nickelson do such filth and try to cover it with veil lies and Stanford rhetoric!
I wish this were 300 years ago because I would lead the charge to his gated home and help a mob use birchwood trunk to break down the gates and drag him out!
We’d put him to the gallows and shameposts until he confessed all before us so we can judge him guilty of Adultery! Brand his fired scarlet letters! Adulter Whore! A!
No matter how much Tiger Woods tries to hide his sins, he should know that Satan loves to strike adulterers for a hole in one straight into hell!
There is no reward of collard greens and fried chicken there, as the only flesh being seared is that of vile sinners who cheat on their beautiful Christian wives! Confess Tiger Woods!
The truth will set you free and until you reveal the full details of your sins with us, you shall suffer from guilt, shoots over par and plague curses!