We’ve all been there before. You come home late from a catered event where maybe you had a glass too many of the table wine and you find yourself flipping through the cable channels for something, anything to distract you from the growing ache in your temple. Maybe you land on a tennis match, or a Brazilian soccer game and you start to think, “Well, that is one chunk of man. I wonder how he showers off all that sweat?” Or maybe it’s the Vietnamese guy at your local coffee shop who bats his tender eyelashes at you while you quiver all over from the caffeine of your Iced Venti Frappuccino and before you know it, you’re dreaming of a vacation on some hot Equatorial beach, speedos eveywhere… Or you’re sitting in the steam room of your local gym and Mr Hairy Muscles to your left lets his towel slip and you gasp for air, wishing you had some thing, any thing, to grab hold of as you fall into an uncontrollable rush of flesh-toned images which have nothing whatsoever to do with the Bible or the Jeb Bush’s candidacy in the 2012 election.
Well, stop right there, America!!! Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin!!! Did that shock you back to reality?
Homosexuality, that enemy of American values, is lurking within you right now. Here’s a terrifying fact: Anyone can fall prey to homosexuality at any time, even our most prestigious political and religious leaders. Just look at our prisons or Governor Andre Bauer! There are labor crews out there pushing you to this very precipice. It’s the secret plan of every homosexual in America, from your married Connecticut Lesbian and your shirtless Manhattan cat owner, to your androgynous streetcorner twink and your power bottom internet man-skank. Don’t doubt it for a second! They want you, whether it’s up close in their filthy bathroom stalls or shopping at their antique shops. They want you in their lives, copulating, corrupting and charging outrageously-priced vintage lamps on your credit cards. They see your fascinating and victorious heterosexuality and want to throw the skunky seeds of dissatisfaction all over your bare Christian chests. They live in a vicious world of fast tongues and moisturizers and can’t stand to witness the happiness of our suburban cul de sacs, the nonstop pleasures of parenting, our well-adjusted high school athletes, our mothers beaming with pride, our fathers hard at work, our idyllic political leaders, our fabulous fountain of morality! Yes, yes and yes! We shall overcome!
My friends say that I’m a little too lathered up about this subject. It’s true! I am worried and upset! There is just too much homosexuality out there today. You can’t turn on the tv or walk down the street in your community without chancing upon some impure man or girl, raping you with their eyes. We Christians really aren’t making much headway against flamboyant gay marriage in our states, no matter how much more money we donate. The homosexuals will probably invade our military with Candidate Obama’s consent in the next few years. Can you imagine, our virile, handsome army soldiers, exhausted from a long day of GI Joe-style adventures, being threatened in their very own barracks by their tumescent bunkmates in the dead of night? Or trapped in the morning showers with a man pack of urgent physical needs, no women in sight and no one to stop them while the bugler calls in vain to formation? “Sorry General, the soldiers wanted to have a little soapy intimacy before fighting this war for you!” And after those horrible offenses to the senses: special gay freedoms and health care benefits, tax deductions, protections for gay speech (who can understand their high-pitched chatter anyway?), international marriage migration laws, adoption, university scholarships, the illegalization of faith-based thought, etc., etc.
As moral families and good citizens, I don’t know what our future will be in the face of these very homosexual victories. Maybe it’s just time we admit publicly that we’re going to lose. Most statisticians have calculated that in a generation’s time gay marriage will be common all over the world because our youths are too lazy to care. If we accept the gathering storm (and I do love you NOM people, but why should I write checks to cover the office expenses and catered events of a lost cause, Maggie?), maybe we can prepare for it. I don’t mean with little umbrellas like DOMA. I mean by picking up and moving out of the path of this rainbow hurricane. The Pilgrims did it in Massachusetts and the Mormons in Utah. Maybe we can peel off some section of this country and leave the rest for the liberals and gays, make one place our refuge of sanity and smiles? Shouldn’t we start buying land and building the walls of our compound today? We can call it “Heterosexual’s Gate” or “The State of Stephenson” (just kidding, I’m much to humble to take the credit for this wondrous idea).
Before I go to bed, let me kneel down and make this confession– I’m absolutely terrified of the day when this ever-growing trend of buggery shows up at my door in the shape of my friendly refrigerator repairman or a broadshouldered and insistent pastor from Argentina. I’m scared for my extraordinary manhood in the face of these lascivious and big-lipped libertines. We heterosexuals are the Grade-A meat at the gay barbeque and I, for one, do not need an engraved invitation.
(This article was originally published in 2009, before Senator Scott Brown\’s election and the defeat of Gay “Marriage” in New York, New Jersey, Maine and elsewhere!)