• How to Handle a Cheating Wife

    January 8, 2010 7:15 pm 66 comments
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  • Hey, shameful?
    I have a question, what should I do about my wife?
    She`s been cheating on me for sometime now.

    Hi Tim,

    I decided to respond to your question in an independent article rather than in the comment thread, for this is an important issue that should be addressed and not lost in the bowls of Christwire`s comments.

    Ah yes, Tim, the age old question of how to handle a women who has gotten out of line. Some of these cooter-flavored liberals who constantly barrage our comment feedbacks would probably tell you that you should talk things over with her, try and work it out, and if it looks like things just are not going to work out, look into getting a divorce.

    To which I spit on them.

    You are married, so unless you would like to spend an eternity having your sole raped by the minions of Satan, you are stuck with the wench until either you or she dies. Preferably the latter so that you can find yourself a good woman who understands her place in the world.

    Assuming you do not want to muck around with hiring someone to kill her (for which I would have the upmost sympathy), and you want to stay married to the harlot (perhaps her parents are quite wealthy and you want to wait until she has inherited there trust fund), I would suggest the following.

    First off, give her a couple good, healthy slaps so that, like a dog, she knows what will happen when she misbehaves. Be careful not to hit her hard enough to leave any marks, not because that is wrong but because then she will be able to claim that you are abusing her and Hussein Obama will give her Health Insurance.

    Then one morning slip some strong sedatives into her morning coffee. Something along the lines of elephant tranquilizer should do the trick. Go down to your local ACE Hardware store and purchase a hole lot of duck tape, some good strong rope, some of those nice heavy duty chains, and some super rubber cement.

    When you get back home, drag the flussy into your basement (or attic, walk-in freezer, or wherever that will be most secluded, dark and dank), tie her up nice and tight with the rope, take the chains and secure her to something sturdy, cover her mouth with duck tape, and seal her forbidden zone shut with the rubber cement.

    Leave her there for about a week. Every other day or so, if the tart behaves, you can reward her good behavior by bringing her a dog biscuit and a small bowl of water, but make it clear that if she acts up you will get the vacuum cleaner and take her snack back.

    Should you have children and they inquire to the absence of your wife, simply tell them that mommy was a naughty little slut and that she is getting a small taste of what awaits her in the after-life. Instilling a sense of morality and fidelity in children is always important.

    Most importantly, once you have removed the jezebel from “time out,” make sure that you always use protection when invoking your weekly marital relations privileges, for you do not want to take the chance of contracting any STIs from the filthy slattern.

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    About The Author
    shameful_truth I look forward to laughing with the Angels, Cherubs, Jesus, and Jerry Fallwell as we look down at the Heathens, roasting in Hell, while we sit back sipping martinis, listening to St. Michael play on his harp while we debate our favorite episodes of 7th Heaven.

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