Team USA Beats Team Canada 5 to 3 In Olympic Hockey
Canada proves once more why it is currently an icy kingdom of failure that needs to become an American state.
As is very well known, Canadians love to play hockey. They will sit around for hours and hours on end watching this boring sport. I don’t know about you, but sports where men tiddlywink about on ice, chasing about a puck, and only score twice in a match is what I call a heaping yawnfest.
There is more excitement in a bout of figure skating, but go figure. Canada is a frozen place where there is not much to do aside from watching American tv shows and going outside to see random moose and bears lurking about your frozen cabin.
So with hosting the Olympics, the Canadians were thrilled for the excitement. Sort of like the small town hillbillies when they make national news, Canadians all gathered ’round and thought they would have their 15 minutes of fame. They were banking their biggest source of pride on a group of men they hold in highest regard: The Canadian Men’s Hockey Team.
Today, the Canadian men were slated to play Team America. Americans play hockey for one purpose alone: it is another market in which to make money. American hockey fans like hockey for one reason: it is an excuse to buy cool looking shirts, go get drunk/take kids to matches and to play Fantasy Hockey with other people in the office, so the day goes by faster as you check your stats.
So while the Canadians who regal hockey as a cult religion took to the ice, they were boisterous. The fans trash talked America for the entire week. Even the players on Team Canada were poor sports and were Canadian flags in their hats, speaking of how they were going to crush and humiliate the “pathetic” US hockey team.
“They don’t have the hearts for the game, they are only in it for the money. We live and breathe hockey, so that is why we will crush them,” a Canadian team member was quoted as saying.
I wonder if he will now put money where his mouth is, because just the opposite happened. The “flashy, money-driven” US hockey team kicked Team Canada’s rear. The final score was 5 – 3.
My favorite part of the reviewing the match today was not the play itself, because hockey is really a very boring and terrible sport to watch, but rather it was seeing all the Canadians cry as their heralded team fell to America. The kids had little Canadian maple leaf flags painted on their sun-deprived faces, and the flags started to smear and smudge from all the tears pouring from their misinformed eyes.
This just goes to show that America can and will dominate every sport, be it because we actually like it or just want to make money and recreational office entertainment (read, Fantasy Sports) from it. We are simply better than other countries, simple as.
So congratulations on an excellent hockey match, Team America, and have fun remember that you suck, Team Canada. You were given homefield advantage, legions of fans cheering you on and a lifetime to train “with heart”. And your “greedy” capitalist overlords to the South still came and kicked your little Canadian butts. Amen.
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Author: Dan Nordgren
Born and raised in upstate New York, Dan Nordgren is currently a film student who enjoys martial arts, mountain climbing and football as components of his very active life. Join Team Sarah TODAY
1:10 am
Canada is such a failure. They should just accept statehood so they can go to a higher place of existence than what they have. Pathetic.
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2:51 am
can’t you just feel the love. well dan you know what you suck too.
oh and btw: ” Canada is a frozen place where there is not much to do aside from watching American tv shows and going outside to see random moose and bears lurking about your frozen cabin.”
hmmm maybe. but that still beats americas “watch american tv shows or go outside and get shot” don’t it?`
also how come that just because you find a sport to be boring it’s sudenly fact that it’s boring? just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it doesn’t have the right to exists. i’ll once again refer to my wish of banning the bible because it sucks.
lastly just grow up. canada should become part of the worst country in the world because they lost to you at ghockey….should we take a look at what america has lost in lately and to who?
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4:04 am
Yo dan You are a sucker Like the whole AMERICA country I’m canadian and I don,t bite to your stupidity
first there is BARELY no ICe or SNOW this year compared to USA
the ICE you SAW at Vancouver is artificial Ice
and second you JUST won AGAINST the male team and you “barely” won 5-3 is not what I call a crushing victory 18-0 its what I call a crushing defeat, you didn’t even win against Russia yet I bet on them you will see if you are really “good” after that
third we don’t want to be a statehood or whatever you call it we want to be free from ignorance and stupidity
oh and USA is a Failure as well Most of them are immigrant in TEAM USA when we have Pure Canadian in TEAM canada you really need Immigrant to “beat” us
seriously you are much more pathetic than I thought Dan you should Kill yourself oh and By the way we don,t watch “american TV show ” because 1. it’s boring and 2 Canadian TV show are way better at least the story is Good compared to your sucking TV show
oh and we have Banned Gun and we have crime rate lower than yours … figure it
so before pissing off canadian you should think about yourself before you got shot In the head by a Canadian You sucker american we don’t wnat you anywhere in this fucking world so stay in your ignorant country where oinly the intelligent being is asian and black people who are also Immigrant from different country Outside otherwise we have stupid american who can’t even make the difference between china and japan or alask and haawaii who think are in south
Oh and by the way : we don’t use drugs compared to you we don’t start wars neither for Oil last time we went at war from our free will was against the Nazi
so the failure are the so called “greatest country called USA” because Nobody wants them In their country
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7:58 am
Still me guys. But yeah, what’s up hockeybroski’s?
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9:43 am
Dan, are you aware of the fact that you look like a donkey?
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10:54 am
What a horrible thing to say, Claire. Pretty childish.
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12:43 pm
I’m pretty sure that 9/10 people on this site can attest to the fact that Dan looks like a donkey.
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8:07 pm
Dan is handsome and young. He looks like he could bench 200lbs and whip up a mean omlette in minutes. What’s your problem, Claire?
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4:38 pm
Dan? Handsome? Eww.
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4:56 pm
i belive it’s called difrent taste in men.
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9:18 pm
I think saying Dan looks like a donkey is slanderous to donkeys.
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2:47 pm
he is a donkey and it,s why canadian don’t wnat to be associate with american they are look like donkey DUMB and stupid seriously dan if I were you you should shut your mouth Up before someone kill you because a Mad Canadian is Not very good to see and your “god” won,t do anything about it
oh and By the way canadian AND european are still better than american in any sport
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6:11 pm
curling : china first Canada second Sweden third
and who is in the last place … Hmm I wodner
ah I Know USA IS IN THE LAST PLACE IN CURLING YOU SUCK
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8:04 pm
“Sort of like the small town hillbillies when they make national news…” Oh Dan! So true! These little brothers to the big America always get a cheap thrill when they’re mentioned in the US media. Oh well, it’s probably very exciting for them to see our athletes up close and intimate. Hopefully they can admire and learn. We are here to teach the world, to exemplify what a glorious beautiful nation full of faith can do! Our pale little brothers of Canada are decent folk, but a little backward and slow, probably due to their addiction to socialism and poor comedy. Isn’t Keifer Sutherland Canadian? He seems like a decent fellow.
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10:18 pm
He’s a converted Canadian, much like Dr. James Naismith and the wholesome Alan Thicke. They are Canadian by birth, but American by oath and heart. That is why they have been blessed with successful careers. Also, Jack Bauer loves freedom.
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5:09 am
allright lets vsee what we have learned a faithful nation can do: eat it self to death. kill innocent people in the search of weapons that do not exists. declare that everything that difrentiates just a bit from them is evil and must be destroyed. think only of themself and let the rest of the world go to shit as long as they are happy….yeah i think i’ll stay over here and say that any good that might exists hates us.
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7:14 pm
“Isn’t Keifer Sutherland Canadian? He seems like a decent fellow.”
Isn’t George Bush American? He seems like a amoral bastard.
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8:37 pm
and Losing In curling to every country in the world Including china oh and saying they are superior to everyone else when they are mostly inferior to everyone else hmm sorry but we Canadian are not “brother” to american if we are brother to someone would have been the european folks or even asian country ( in social structure)
and you don’t teach Much since we already Know much More than you
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6:01 pm
FLASH NEWS USA lost to Canada in Finals hahaha
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7:15 pm
There is more excitement in a bout of figure skating? Are you fucking high?
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7:21 pm
did you Know that figure skating is way more Older than Hockey as a sport actually Only the noble were practicing this sport
and Canada won Bronze in figure skating the other two were korean and Japan
as for Ice Hockey Men and women we won Gold
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7:36 pm
Figure skating being older definately does not make it more interesting.
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3:04 pm
Words fail me as I am appalled to read yet another article showing me what arrogance the people of the USA exemplify.
To call yourself a Christian and yet belittle a country of which you know little, is extremely poor taste, and a poor witness. If I were to re-write your article changing USA for where you have Canada…would you not be infuriated? From my understanding, Americans are allowed to be patriotic about their country, but I’m belittled for being proud of mine?
I challenge you to come and live in Canada and with us for a year. Then see if you can actually write an article such as this.
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1:06 am
Oh, how many gold medals did you get? certainly wasn’t more than us, shame. You are a pathetic excuse of a writer. Get educated dipshit.
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