• Team USA Beats Team Canada 5 to 3 In Olympic Hockey

    February 22, 2010 12:17 am 24 comments
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  • Canada proves once more why it is currently an icy kingdom of failure that needs to become an American state.

    As is very well known, Canadians love to play hockey. They will sit around for hours and hours on end watching this boring sport. I don’t know about you, but sports where men tiddlywink about on ice, chasing about a puck, and only score twice in a match is what I call a heaping yawnfest.

    There is more excitement in a bout of figure skating, but go figure. Canada is a frozen place where there is not much to do aside from watching American tv shows and going outside to see random moose and bears lurking about your frozen cabin.

    So with hosting the Olympics, the Canadians were thrilled for the excitement. Sort of like the small town hillbillies when they make national news, Canadians all gathered ’round and thought they would have their 15 minutes of fame. They were banking their biggest source of pride on a group of men they hold in highest regard: The Canadian Men’s Hockey Team.

    Today, the Canadian men were slated to play Team America. Americans play hockey for one purpose alone: it is another market in which to make money. American hockey fans like hockey for one reason: it is an excuse to buy cool looking shirts, go get drunk/take kids to matches and to play Fantasy Hockey with other people in the office, so the day goes by faster as you check your stats.

    So while the Canadians who regal hockey as a cult religion took to the ice, they were boisterous. The fans trash talked America for the entire week. Even the players on Team Canada were poor sports and were Canadian flags in their hats, speaking of how they were going to crush and humiliate the “pathetic” US hockey team.

    “They don’t have the hearts for the game, they are only in it for the money. We live and breathe hockey, so that is why we will crush them,” a Canadian team member was quoted as saying.

    I wonder if he will now put money where his mouth is, because just the opposite happened. The “flashy, money-driven” US hockey team kicked Team Canada’s rear. The final score was 5 – 3.

    My favorite part of the reviewing the match today was not the play itself, because hockey is really a very boring and terrible sport to watch, but rather it was seeing all the Canadians cry as their heralded team fell to America. The kids had little Canadian maple leaf flags painted on their sun-deprived faces, and the flags started to smear and smudge from all the tears pouring from their misinformed eyes.

    This just goes to show that America can and will dominate every sport, be it because we actually like it or just want to make money and recreational office entertainment (read, Fantasy Sports) from it. We are simply better than other countries, simple as.

    So congratulations on an excellent hockey match, Team America, and have fun remember that you suck, Team Canada. You were given homefield advantage, legions of fans cheering you on and a lifetime to train “with heart”. And your “greedy” capitalist overlords to the South still came and kicked your little Canadian butts. Amen.

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    About The Author
    Dan Nordgren Born and raised in upstate New York, Dan Nordgren is currently a film student who enjoys martial arts, mountain climbing and football as components of his very active life. Join Team Sarah TODAY

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