Elusive Florida Monkey Eludes Captors, Dangerously Defies Darts

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St. Petersburg, Fla – Alarming news from Florida, where authorities report a rogue monkey is on the loose. So far the nimble primate has used unprecedented feats of agility to elude cops and avoid capture.

According to reports, the monkey has been at large for more than a year. It was caught several months ago, but managed to pick the lock to its cage and escape the Florida Wildlife Association officials.

Authorities were called to a Florida neighborhood yesterday, when area residents reported a belligerent, swift primate running hastily amongst their homes.

When authorities arrived to the scene, the rhesus macaque monkey eyed them and performed “several backflips, a triple lutze and front-handspring” to avoid a flurry of darts.

Predicting the monkey’s amazing agility, the wildlife officials pulled out an experimental automatic dart-gun, which landed two tranqulizers into the monkey’s flank

But without precedent or warning, the monkey shook off the effects of the dart. Quickly, the monkey ducked behind a nearby drug store and church to make yet another escape.

The Associated Press interviewed wildlife rehabilitator Vernon Yates on the subjects, with Yates reporting, “the tranquilizers don’t appear to affect the animal”. Officials have increased the dosage of the tranqulizers in each encounter with this monkey, to no avail.

Yates also reports this monkey is smart, even taking the time to “stopping to check traffic before crossing a busy street”.

This monkey is a threat to humans and should be considered armed and dangerous. Residents of Tampa should be scared and call your local police if you spot this monkey. It can pick locks and is strong enough to bend steel and tires, so beware.