Despite Legal Questions, British People Go Ape For “Monkey Voting”
The British are up to their queer tricks once again! The same people who brought the world the antics of Oscar Wilde and John Cleese, have now invented something called “monkey voting.” As the video below shows, it’s an odd service that the Labour-controlled government provides for shut-ins, welfare recipients and other strange English people. Call up your local “estate council” office and they’ll send a trained monkey to pick up your ballot form for the next election. No need to take off your pajamas or even put on a pair of shoes, the dutiful “ballot monkey” will do everything for you!
There is a humorous side to this “monkey voting” trend, but one has to wonder if these creatures are displacing human workers. Are they so flush with money in England that they can afford an entire army of trained monkeys to service their needs? Does this not ultimately reinforce the laziness of the many, many people on government-subsidized service in Great Britain? A democracy that prides itself on hard work and independence like the United States of America would never legalize such a thing, yet those queer Brits seem to be having a grand old time with their hairy helpmates.
Fraud should also be concern here. There’s no telling if ballots are altered in little monkey hands. Maybe this doesn’t matter. I doubt the Brits are cognizant enough to notice if the will of the populace was replaced by the will of a million simian primates screeching for fruit. Remember, this is the same country that lost one of the greatest empires the world has ever known because they didn’t know how to plug a few holes in a few leaky ships… The same country that today worships an old lady who looks like a trucker in a bra… The same country whose biggest contribution to the global fight on terror is a few dozen weak-wristed troops in soft red berets…
From a broader perspective, does this humanization of monkeys reflect the agenda of radical groups like PETA who seek to give God’s lesser creatures the same rights as man? Could this be some underhanded attempt by Atheist and anti-Christian groups to familiarize human beings with monkeys as a way to promote anti-creationist ideologies, like Darwin’s evolution thesis? Time will only tell, but it does remind me of this quote from one of my favorite all time movies:
“To suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Why, man is a nuisance. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It’s a question of simian survival.” –Dr. Zaius, Planet of the Apes.
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Author: Stephenson Billings
Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package! Facebook me here or Fanmail me: StephensonBillings@yahoo.com !
1:01 am
I don’t see how you can insult our navy when it was, and still is, the best on Earth.
Or our army, since we have the SAS, best commando unit ever.
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3:13 pm
Listen peapod, your army hasn’t opened a can of beans in over a hundred years. Maybe they tossed those dangerous Falkland Islanders around a bit, but what else?
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10:49 am
The only war the U.S.A. has won on its own is the American Civil War… to borrow one of your phrases, go figure…
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1:35 pm
Yeah I agree Billings, except pretty much WW1, WW2 and the other smallers ones?
So, shut your mouth.
Accordinbg to a large number of historians, WW2 was spearhead’d by Britian.
WW1 England was easily a huge factor. (The French did well…but always ran away)
WW1 – Jump in, throw in 150,000 and say you did the most
WW2 – Jump in half-way, slap the Japanese and take it TO FUCKING FAR, and get partial credit, with no more losses than us.
So…
Go away, Peapod.
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2:00 am
want me to make a list of the failures of USA billings?
btw asumeing this is anything but a joke really amkes you look bad. don’t belive anything you find on the internet.
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3:18 pm
Listen here Hamlet, don’t you know I provide the most credible news you’ll ever encounter? Genuine 100% and utterly fascinating!
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4:05 pm
“don’t you know I provide the most credible news you’ll ever encounter?”
“Genuine 100% and utterly fascinating!”
And chock full of misinformation, fabrications, and outright lies! Oh yeah, and pictures of the wrong people!
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4:15 pm
do not you know i’m never wrong?
seriosuly you can’t make statements like that. you just can’t.
the credibility of your “journalism can be judged by anyone but you. and the only openion that matters to me is mine. and you are not credibel in the least.
genuine maybe but geniune what? and facinating… that’s a subjective term you dipshit. you can’t decide what i find facinating…. though i will admit your ego is facinating and so is you hypocrasy and stupidity.
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11:11 pm
ye you could always join the U S army and enjoy some friendly fire
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9:13 am
well for some reason christwire won’t let me post videos anymore but there should be a youtube link up there. i emailed jack and hopefully it will be included.
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12:09 pm
The raeson you can’t post videos is probably because your computer hasn’t enough memory left on it after all that luverly porn you downloaded ten minutes ago.
Oh yes,and your article is bullshit as usual. Monkeys?
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12:08 pm
sigh your still an idiot billings wheres your source for this billings? theres no such thing as monkey voting in the UK as I am British
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3:10 pm
Video is here, HOORAY! Yuske, this is perfectly sourced as you can now see! And you people doubted me… Ye of little faith!
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4:20 pm
somebody don’t understand the concept of useing satire as a means advertise. or satire in general. in denmark we had advertisement for sprite called sellyourmom.dk or something like that.
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1:11 am
It’s not satire, I think I’m savvy enough to know what satire is. It’s a terrible concept that the British have legalized and practiced. Please do a little thinking before posting your delirious statements:
http://ballotmonkey.org/
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2:09 am
satire. do you notice that out of buisness mark because of over use? now i dare you to find one person in england who have used this service.
it’s a satirical advertisment ment to get people to vote. i don’t care if you think you are “sawy enough to know whatsatire is” because you obviously missed the point of this proveing that you aren’t.
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3:49 am
It’s not satire, they just aren’t doing monkeys anymore for the 2010 Parlimentary Election as it states on their site because of “overwhelming demand”. I checked this out before I wrote about it, and yes it’s legit. Why would I trust some silly skateboarder to know more about this than I do?
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12:15 pm
again with the weird asumption i’m a skateboarder. well if that discualifies me from haveing a valid openion why should i belive anything you as a terrorist-pedophile-massmudere have to say?
oh btw : forgot to add *facedesk*.
you really are stupid. prove to me that it’s real then. find one guy who used this to vote.
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3:01 pm
You are really out of your league here chum. Postal voting is legal in the UK, and whether a person or a monkey puts the envelope in the box, it remains legal (provided that all the information is genuine and the voter in legally registered). You are also a moron for not noticing A) that the Ballot Monkey site is not endorsed by the British parliament or any of it’s ministries, making it unofficial. B) There is no way to actually register for and access the service on the website, making it satirical. C) The video evidence you posted has ridiculously shaky camera work, a contrived sound track of God Save the Queen, and no accreditation or endorsement from the government, which all contribute to it’s lack of credibility.
FUCK YOU. THE QUEEN RULES!
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3:12 pm
Keep it in your pants, buddy.
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5:02 pm
great intelectual comeback however will we ever prove that you are utterly wrong?
oh wait we allready did and now you are simply avoiding the isue with pathtic personal insults.
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3:23 pm
Wow… That’s a pathetic response. I should’ve expected as much.
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3:37 pm
Hey, Denis. I really would keep it in your pants. You see, Billings here has a rather disturbing tendency to jump on any penis he sees, but it’s all right because he’s ‘not gay’. Just a warning!
—BobTheChairGuy
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5:38 pm
I would post an opinionated comment, but I’m worried about getting verbally attacked by the article writer. All I will say, though, is that I find this incredibly offensive to my nation, and I suggest you do a little bit more research before attacking an entire population.
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8:14 pm
Another Neville Chamberlin afraid to engage the gathering storm.
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6:38 pm
And what was the response of the Land of the Free in WWII?
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9:34 pm
You know Stephenson, I want to tell you a story. At the turn of the millennium when I was a very young man, I tried to convince my sister that we were entering into the 22nd century. This is obviously incorrect, and a quick google search at the time proved me wrong. It was hard, but I was able to say “Sorry, I was wrong.” This was very beneficial to me as a person because up until this absolutely indisputable loss of an argument, my head was growing due to my accumulating trivial knowledge. But with this my head shrank as I truly understood what Socrates said: “The wisest man knows that he knows nothing”. Or as the the scripture says in Job 8:9 “For we are only of yesterday and know nothing, Because our days on earth are as a shadow.” Can’t you just do as Christ would have you do. Say to us here that you were wrong about this Ballot Monkey being legitimate, and move on with your life with less pride and arrogance burdening your soul?
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12:07 am
If it’s not real, then some jerk tricked me.
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1:18 am
that jerk would be your own incredibly low IQ.
as we have said all along. it’s satire. and your were far to stupid to realise it. blameing someone else won’t work. you are too stupid to understand satire. end of.
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12:41 pm
Billings, I understand that some one may have tricked you. But, by not responding to that trick with humility and social grace, you are doing two things that put you in direct conflict with the word of the God and subsequently prove Jazze to be right. Do you actually have any reason to dislike Britain? Do you have any legitimate reason to disagree any of their policies, practices, beliefs or cultural attitudes? If your only reason for any of this is that Britain is not America and they seemingly have found a way (albeit a joke) to make voting easier and more convenient for the British public, then you are hating your neighbor instead of loving your neighbor, and you are being prideful and arrogant about your American identity. Be a good Christian. I’ll make it easy for you. Copy and paste the following : “I was mistaken. This monkey thing is not real. I’m sorry”.
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2:02 pm
Well, what with me living in Britain right now I can tell you with a fair deal of confidence that this is not genuine. Do some research for Christ’s sake.
Sorry, I couldn’t let this one go by:
“The same country whose biggest contribution to the global fight on terror is a few dozen weak-wristed troops in soft red berets…”
America, of course, has contributed massively to the war on terror. After all, if you hadn’t funded the IRA all those years we wouldn’t have a clue how to fight terrorism.
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5:15 pm
nor would anyone have insulted the muslims enough to ever form terror cells. i mean basicly starting the entire war is quite a big contribution.
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8:30 am
To be fair, the American government never funded the IRA – only wealthy Irish descendants…
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11:57 am
Y’know, this is the first article I’ve read on this stie that actually make me realise what bullshit it is. Not to belittle the insults suffered by others, of course.
Have you ever been to Britain? Do you know where it is?
How the hell can you dismiss thousands of troops who are willing to put their lives on the line for a war started by America? Let’s face it, America’s approch to war is simply to throw in more troops until the enemy run out of bullets and/or patience and surrender.
I would now like to apologise to any sensible american reading this. Sorry.
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8:28 am
I still can’t decide whether this site is taking the piss or is maintained by a bunch of retard red-necks…
But you can at least get your facts right. Even in the second sentence there’s a mistake: Oscar Wilde was Irish.
Jesus, no wonder the world is going to shit with people like the author going around.
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2:44 pm
lol you guys are so stupid.
The website is a joke, every article is a joke and clearly ridiculous.
And even the comments that he leaves are just ridiculous proddings and attempts to get you guys riled up even more.
The truly sad thing is how gullible and easily roused you guys are, so in the end the joke really is on you haha.
He talks about mailing postcards to Miley Cyrus and openly says all Mexicans are criminals. It’s satire on the extremity of some Christian nuts.
You are retarded if you haven’t realized this yet….
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6:05 pm
“The British are up to their queer tricks once again!”
“…strange English people”
“those queer Brits”
Being English myself I take offence to that =(
Also the overuse of the “Gay” Insult and/or overly homophobic tendencies usually are the result of not being comfortable with your own sexuality.
Although a Man’s cock in your mouth is a better choice than an 8 year old’s eh Billings?
Thankfully religion is gradually dying out in Britain so we don’t have to deal with the overly-zealous Christians that America has to tolerate.
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5:44 am
I don’t see why this is a bad thing. Actually going to vote takes up valuable bumming time.
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3:54 pm
This doesn’t surprise me. On a related note, Spain is the first country to grant human rights to apes. What will these Euros think of next!
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12:44 am
This is why we started America right? Because we were tired of British people using monkeys.
Yeah, I think that’s what I read somewhere once.
On the internet.
Maybe.
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12:50 pm
I’d like to say all of this article is just false. It also irrates me highly how you use “Britain” and “England” interchangeably, they are not the same.
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12:01 am
Dude, that’s an AMERICAN post box… One of the things that England is most famous for is our big red shiney post boxes, you xenophobic, hate mongering fool.
I wish god was real, that way you could actually be judged come the day that you die, but as it stands I’ll have to do with the satisfaction that when you do die, you’ll just cease to exist.
Oh, and did I mention that all Jews have horns? Sheesh, were you part of the Nazi youth when you were younger?
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3:24 pm
“Fraud should also be concern here. There’s no telling if ballots are altered in little monkey hands. Maybe this doesn’t matter. I doubt the Brits are cognizant enough to notice if the will of the populace was replaced by the will of a million simian primates screeching for fruit.”
At least we’re cognizant enough to know that monkeys are not intelligent enough to commit fraud. Oh and we’re also cognizant enough to realize that the whole ballot monkey thing was a light-hearted way to encourage voting.
“The same country whose biggest contribution to the global fight on terror is a few dozen weak-wristed troops in soft red berets…”
While America’s biggest contribution to the global fight on terror is to commit massive acts of terror.
“From a broader perspective, does this humanization of monkeys reflect the agenda of radical groups like PETA who seek to give God’s lesser creatures the same rights as man?”
No, it’s still just encouraging voting.
“Darwin’s evolution thesis?”
I think you mean Darwin’s evolution THEORY. A thesis is completely different.
“I think I’m savvy enough to know what satire is. It’s a terrible concept that the British have legalized and practiced.”
Yeah, satire was illegal here (I’m British by the way) until 1995. It’s still frowned upon by conservatives.
“If it’s not real, then some jerk tricked me.”
I thought you were an investigative journalist, if so why do you never check your facts? Remember that praying game on the Wii that turned out to be a viral marketing campaign for Dante’s Inferno? If you want to be taken seriously as a journalist then do some research. Until then you’ll always be Blogger Billings.
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6:59 pm
I really want to know, why did you write this article?
even if this monkey voting thing were true (which, having followed the election avidly, i can safely say its not) why would you write such a hate filled article about how we brits are queers, useless and worship an old lady who looks like a trucker in a bra (btw, no-one worships the queen, we aren’t romans, we don’t deify our heads of state)
have you recently been spurned by a british woman you’ve been stalking for ages?
why do you hate the british so much?
if you were truly christian in your morals, then you would know that this disgusting xenophobia and sweeping stereotype is wrong, morally wrong.
Also, this kind of attitude is why many people this side of the atlantic don’t like the Americans; because of their inability to recognise other countries and other cultures. (this is also why many people don’t like extremist evangelists, why can’t you people be more accepting, like buddhists!)
And I implore you. CITE RELIABLE SOURCES; government endorsed websites, national newspapers, books, studies, anything, and people may take you a little more seriously.
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7:03 pm
also, i’d like to further emphasise THAT IS AN AMERICAN POST BOX.
ours are red.
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7:08 pm
Why do you post comments on a Journalist’s website? To get information across. That’s why I do it. You seem new to the internet, my friend. it’s a complex world.
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7:18 pm
I asked why you wrote this article in such a hateful manner. i don’t have a problem with you writing this to inform if you genuinely thought it was real but why so hateful?
if your not going to answer my questions, why bother writing anything, you just sound like a patronising arse!
Also i’ll ask this, does god tell you to hate the brits? should you not love thy neighbour?
and finally… journalists can back up their claims with wait for it…RELIABLE SOURCES. You are a blogger!
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12:26 pm
I have to ask this question. Do you actually believe what you wrote in this article is true?
Others have pointed out the inaccuracies in your “report” so I won’t bother repeating them. However, as an Englishman, born and bred, I can’t begin to tell you how offensive your comments are. I’ll leave you with some points to consider instead.
Perhaps if the brave citizens of the USA hadn’t funded the IRA for many years so many innocent men, women and children might not have been murdered or maimed?
Perhaps if your Government had not funded various Arab and Muslim groups for so long, and taught them counter-insurgency techniques, we wouldn’t have had Al-Quaeda?
Perhaps if Bush Snr had the guts to finish the first Gulf War the world would have missed out on Saddam Hussain’s later excesses and Iran might have been confronted?
Perhaps if your country had had the guts to commit to Word War II early on untold millions would not have died and Hitler would have been stopped? Who know? Soviet Russia might not have come about? But your brave country preferred to stay at home, screw us with war loans which were only recently paid off and sit on your asses. Of course, you did decide to react when the Japanese whipped you at Pearl Harbour.
If you’ve read this you’ll probably have a similar feeling to how mine when I read your atrocious poison.
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12:30 pm
Not to mention prescott bush selling weapon to the Nazi in WWII
Not to mention the same prescott bush selling wepaon to afghanistan
Not to mention Bush sernior to sell weapon as well
on a side note I saw an “AMERICAN” movie called Hitler the birth of the evil
and they said he was socialist ( which is Not true Hitler hated socialism )
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