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How To Spot A Masturbator
May 9, 2010 by Stephenson Billings
Filed under Faith Links, Featured, Moral Alerts, Science
Masturbation is a serious issue facing families today but most parents are just too embarrassed to talk about it with their teens. Heed Colossians 3:5: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” If the sins of lust, covetousness, immoral thoughts, and pornography are forsaken and overcome, teen masturbation is a small offense that can be dealt with in the privacy of your own home. But when this self-indulgent practice becomes an addiction, it poses genuine health and spiritual risks, and also threatens workplace safety and the overall productivity of our economy.
It is vital for parents to personally prepare their teens for puberty. This can be an overwhelming and frightening time for children. Their bodies change in painful and unexpected ways. Leviticus 22:4 states, “If a descendant of Aaron has an infectious skin disease or a bodily discharge, he may not eat the sacred offerings until he is cleansed. He will also be unclean if he touches something defiled by a corpse or by anyone who has an emission of semen.” The danger this passage suggests has been proven by contemporary medical science, not just with the spread of STDs, but also because masturbation is directly connected to yeast infections in women and prostate cancer in young men (see “Masturbation May Cause Cancer”). In extreme cases, it has been known to lead to such dire scenarios as retarded ejaculation, urethral trauma and penile fracture.
“Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so he put him to death also.” –Genesis 38:9-10
For adults, masturbation exhausts. It can make one groggy and unfocused. It has a steamrolling effect, encouraging individuals to think more about sex and less about their work at hand. The connection to workplace safety is evident, particularly with men operating heavy machinery or dangerous equipment. These are the very sorts of people who need to be completely focused and when their distractions and fatigues take over, the productivity of our workplaces suffers. In offices, internet porn is the most common cause of procrastination and another drain on the economy.
Despite the warnings of doctors and religious scholars, masturbation still remains very popular in America. As a society, this degree of self-manipulation goes too far in familiarizing men and women with their bodies. These people become less active in their communities and begin to see themselves as sexual predators whose sole purpose is to climax at the end of the night. Masturbation has had a ruinous effect on the institution of marriage. Countless couples have been destroyed by porn addiction, many other men have just given up on the idea of marriage because they prefer to pleasure themselves whenever they choose, free from the interruptions of family life.
LOVING VIGILANCE: WHAT TO LOOK FOR
To help turn the tide on this crisis, it’s important for parents and work supervisors to be able to spot a chronic or even just a casual masturbator in their midst. Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear. The internet also makes it much easier for parents to identify a child’s masturbation habits. For health and safety, every adult should read the article “Protecting Our Children” from Christian Assemblies International about monitoring your kid’s web browsing history. Another helpful suggestion is to avoid laptops and keep the family computer in a public space like the TV room where web surfing can be watched closely. For a good discussion on the topic, read Amber Cooper’s article, “Is It Ok For My Christian Daughter To Masturbate?”
Do Some People Have an Instinct For Spotting Masturbators?
There are people who claim they can identify a masturbator with one glance. It’s not magic, but solid human observation. Up to a half an hour after the act, the perpetrator’s face has several telltale signs. Facial muscles are far more relaxed than they normally are, minimizing the depth of creases and fine lines. On the other hand, the flesh of the cheeks and forehead is puffy and pink, flush with heightened circulation. There is evidence of fatigue everywhere, from a low hanging jaw to glassy eyes. This is compounded by a general guilt or nervousness as seen in the eyes and posture. It is the apparent contradiction of these characteristics– physically relaxed but psychologically bubbling with a shameful secret– that is the greatest indicator that someone has just masturbated.
The images below will help you spot the masturbators in your daily life. The first is a simple display of the most common post-ejaculative face types. These boys can be first-time offenders and admonished privately by their parents in the privacy of the home.
The graph below is a detailed exploration of the habits and appearances of the addicted self-abuser. This young man is putting his future at risk by devoting more time to masturbation than to looking for employment, socializing within his community and preparing himself for marriage. If pushed, he will lie, cheat and steal to support his habit. Many college students fall victim to this lifestyle.
Exhibits A & B: Can you spot what makes a masturbator in these famous faces?
http://www.howtostopmasturbating.com/
This post was submitted by Stephenson Billings.
oh dear gos this is hillarious. i have NEVER seen anything this funny.
btw if anyone think it’s too long to read it all here’s the short version:
“haveing never had any sexual expirience i don’t understand any of it and is therefor very scared of it. because i’m scared of it must be evil. very evil.”
now time to coment on a few of the gems in this text
“One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear.”
and if this is not followed by said kid getting a restraing order against you you have far bigger isues at hand. well that or calling some kind of social services to get you removed from their life.
“. If pushed, he will lie, cheat and steal to support his habit. Many college students fall victim to this lifestyle.”
lie? sure most people would lie if asked if they were masturbating. cheat….cheat who with what? steal…. what in the world would you ever need to steal to masturbate?
your picture evidence proves nothing more than that you have no concept of what personal style is.
also here’s a far better method to find out: is the person you are looking at above the age of 12? then most likely they are masturbating. are they above 15? then it’s 99%. it’s that fucking simple.
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corection. it’s what disturbed people do.
btw on that same note… kids know where you fide your sex toys. maybe not a big isue for the lonely childless guy who’s never been married(and is therefor a sinner) but i’m just saying.
and as i said…. why the fuck would you EVER tell if you are masturbating. looking down on people for lieing about that says a far lot more about you than them. specificly that you have a seick intrest in other peoples sex lives…maybe because you don’t have one yourself(that you don’t deny)
and steal porn? heard of the internet dumbass? or wait ever heard of masturbating without porn? seriously this is so far out and stupid i don’t know what to tell you.
further down you claim you have done reasearch… show me the research that proves that penny and matt do not masturbate. show me that witch proves that the picture with “signs” or real. and maybe you should actually understand the research you do.
yes there’s a risk with masturbating. there’s allso a risk going to curch. you could get hit by a bus on your way to church ergo going to church is dangerous.
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“this is a perfectly appropriate thing for a mother to do, particularly when changing her son’s bed sheets.”
If a boy is old enough to be masturbating he’s old enough to be changing his bed sheets.
“This is something mothers do and in fact, mothers are more aware of this sort of thing than you’re probably aware. Toilet tissue, dirty towels… Mothers know what their sons are up to!”
The only mothers who do that are the conservative Christian hardasses who refuse to accept the fact that masturbation is normal and healthy, especially in the teen years. What’s sad and disgusting is that those mothers are more willing to poke, prod, and sniff their son’s personal belongings to find semen than they are to simply accept the fact that their son is masturbating.
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I’ve never been caught masturbating, nor have I ever left evidence. And even if I were to get caught or my parents started suspecting, they wouldn’t give a flying fuck. My parents are highly liberal, after all, and they’re understanding and accepting of the changes that teenage bodies go through and the urges that come with those changes. My parents would just keep the information to themselves so as not to embarrass me. They already know that I’m not having sex, so I’m sure that they’d be fine with the knowledge that the way I avoid sex is by self-pleasure. After all, you can’t get pregnant or get STDs through masturbation.
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the ship has sailed; you’re still on the dock. i hope you & all of your buddies enjoy being isolated & ashamed of yourselves. the rest of us rational folk will be enjoying healthy lives without judging people or prying into their personal habits. i should hope that if i ever have a son, he won’t be made to feel ashamed of his body by adults who can’t put away their prejudices.
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Sniffing the mattress and saying it smells like semen when it doesn’t is lying.
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you are not alone steve!
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Ahahaha, love it. I want that on a t-shirt.
As for the rest of you: JESUS! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS WHOLE WEBSITE IS SATIRICAL. Eh, never mind. Your flailing and righteous indignation is contributing to my amusement. Carry on!
(great work, SB! Hysterical as always)
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Stephenson Billings, I speak for the rest of the human race when I’m politely asking you to kill yourself. This will better our species and the world as a whole. fuck you.
your politely,
~Ryan
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I am concerned by the daft people that so not like the wonderful efforts of the author. I am a massive fan of stand up comedy. I have quite honestly never read or heard anything so funny as this. I can’t wait to read more. This is fabulous stuff… One person said he wishes the author would kill himself… That would be horrible. You would be taking this away from the world. He should be encouraged to actually go into stand up. Brilliant. Many thanks. Where can I subscribe?
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Masturbation has been scientifically proven to relieve stress, lower blood pressure, relieve pain by causing the release of endorfants, and potentially prolonging life. So suck it, I mean stroke it Billings!
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I got it! you’re tjat guy from donnie darko! that child molesting motivational speaker!! spitting image…
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Stephenson!
Did you get parenting tips from Carrie’s mother? What mother would press their nose against their son’s mattress to smell if they have masturbated? It’s a known fact that young men going through puberty masturbate…ALOT! Probably their fathers masturbate too. We are human and humans are sexual. Who cheats and steals because they masturbate? That is ridiculous! Clearly, you are scared of S-E-X.
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It takes someone to write what you did, which means mummy caught you fiddlin’ it and stealing pornography, isn’t that right Billings?
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First off, what’s so bad about masturbation? It releves stress, it allows you to explore how your body works, it will help prevent premature ejaculation when having sex, it’s just good practice, and it simply feels good! It’s only socially unacceptable because the bible says it’s wrong, and a lot of christian ideology has been woven and melted into american culture.
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dirty hair, unkempt, angry expression… yep, Stephenson Billings is obviously a chronic masturbator. I hope your mom still doesn’t smell your sheets you sick fuck.
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I can spot all those Masturbators. Do you know how? I just check to see if they’re breathing and between the ages of 17 and 71. If they’re alive and past puberty, they’re a Masturbator.
You’re a Masturbator yourself and you know it. You’re just too uptight to admit it.
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Narrow minded Fail…
You guys need to look in the mirror.
Masturbation should be the least of the churches worries….the hushed up molesting and the child raping needs sorting out first.
Expand you mind people – If you dont see god in all, you don’t see god at all.
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Well, there’s nothing more to say…ah yes there is… If internet existed in early centuries of our time, I guess this is the type of articles that would have been published. Luckily for us we are in 2010 and things have moved on for us … ah No sorry not for everyone… Pity
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Hmm. Clicking mr Billings name at the start of the article takes you to his facebook page.
Quote from said page- “Special Leader of Christian Camping Trips for Hearty Teens!”
Plus another interesting entry under his likes and interests, specifically the music and activities section- Prussian Blue.
Hmm Prussian Blue? Arent they the number one fap materiel for extreme rightwing fascist’s? Pedobear approved no less.
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This is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER read. EVER. Like seriously. Trust me, I’m sure Matt Damon masturbates just as much as Russell Brand, if not more.
It is a piece of cake to hide if you masturbate. People who masturbate don’t walk around with the retarded expressions shown above. They look like totally normal people. Sarah Palin has masturbated. I would bet my house on it.
And the stereotypical picture of a chronic masturbator? Like REALLY! I masturbate all the time. I don’t look like that at all. I’m pretty sure that I submitted a picture of myself I would look just like your typical little church going girl.
Get a grip. This article is an absolute lie.
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“Masturbation is a serious issue”
No, it’s not.
“Heed Colossians 3:5: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.””
I’m pretty sure that stuffing yourself full of chocolate ice cream and two cheeseburgers falls under that category. Hypocrite.
“For adults, masturbation exhausts. It can make one groggy and unfocused.”
It energizes me.
“In offices, internet porn is the most common cause of procrastination and another drain on the economy.”
Source?
“many other men have just given up on the idea of marriage because they prefer to pleasure themselves whenever they choose, free from the interruptions of family life.”
You have no right to lecture others about marriage.
“One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.””
Not only is that absolutely disgusting, but it’s a total invasion of privacy.
This whole article is bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation. Many teens find masturbation as a way to release their sexual tension without having sex. What would you rather have, a teenage boy playing with himself under the sheets every other night or him getting his teenage girlfriend pregnant?
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You said it could be “fun” to mark your own record and try and break it.
You realize the article you wrote is against masturbation, right? How do you support it and give suggestions to other people about it when you just say you hate it?
Hypocrite.
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Okay, I’ll see how many days I can go without pleasuring myself if you see how many days you can go without stuffing your face with food. Gluttony, after all, is just as much a sin as masturbation is.
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Eating a hearty meal is not a sin. You really should stop riding me Claire! I am getting sore.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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LOL. Billings, you will never be right with whatever you say. Making fun of you is a pleasure I’m glad that I have. And Claire is awesome and in every way better than you.
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“Eating a hearty meal is not a sin.”
Two cheeseburgers for one meal = eating in excess = gluttony = sin
“You really should stop riding me Claire! I am getting sore.”
Perhaps you should stop “riding” homosexuals, Betty White, masturbators, and people who prefer arts over sports. I can see that you don’t like the taste of your own medicine.
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Stephenson, once again I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking valuable time out from your busy schedule to educate us about this issue, which unfortunately it would appear some of the unsaved are not taking as seriously as they should. It has become obvious to me as I browse the internet that a large proportion of it is made up of explicitly pornographic images and films to cater to the whims and fetishes of all sorts of masturbators and that there is, in fact, a huge industry catering to those poor people who are addicted to such pleasures of the flesh.
It saddens me that there are even people on this site who disregard your sage advice and I shall be praying for their salvation and that they stop this unnatural and heinous practice before they have due cause to regret it.
Truly masturbation can become an addiction unless it is taken in hand and dealt with early enough.
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This is ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. Everyone does it. I’d be surprised if Billings wasn’t just a troll pretending not too. If not, you are repressed and should seek help. Live in this world, loco.
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Blessings on you, Father! Did you know “porn” is the biggest search word on Google? The great thing is that many Christian groups are leading the effort to fight porn addiction and it’s having the effect of drawing many people back to church. It’s always good to know that you can discuss issues like this with a doctor, but sometimes a pastor is better equipped to deal with the corruption of the soul that masturbation causes. I urge anyone who is suffering to talk to your pastor about masturbation. It can truly save you.
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As Reverend Dan say:
“Truly masturbation can become an addiction unless it is taken in hand and dealt with early enough.”
Yes taken in hand, before you jizz in your pants
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oh really “porn” is the most heavily searched term. wow i didn’t know that… maybe because it’s an absolute lie (a sin mind you). But then again i don’t have any evidence to prove otherwise
oh wait
i do
http://www.google.com/trends?q=porn,+the,+and,+youtube&ctab=0&geo=all&date=all&sort=0
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Wow. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. The author is a moron. There are so many proven benefits of masturbating, like one person mentioned, such as lowered blood pressure, lower stress, lower chance of heart attack. And what you said about masturbation increasing the chance of prostate cancer is a flat out lie. Masturbating actually significantly lowers the likelihood of prostate cancer. Sir, you need to do your homework before you start spouting this religious mumbo-jumbo about how bad masturbation is. Its actually quite healthy. And that’s a scientific fact, not your religious “maybes”
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The best part is that he is making sexual innuendos…
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Hey, billings, check out how many likes your post have gotten
oh wait, that’s right! You hardly have any.
People obviously disagree with your opinion so why don’t you just give up already?
How does other people masturbating effect you?
If somebody masturbates do you have a beeper that goes off? Stay out of
other peoples business and we’ll stay out of yours.
I’m Christian and I disagree with just about everything you have said above.
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Please, all the people asking the author of this article to stop writing similar things are complete misguided. The guy makes me laugh non-stop. We should encourage him to continue, I beg you.
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you sir are what is wrong with religion….you are a fat retarded virgin and i want to skull fuck your mother and lick her cunt!
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“Many therapists I’ve spoken with have suggested that young people keep a journal and mark off how many days they can go without pleasuring yourself. Try to set your own record! And then try to break your record! It could be fun!”
Just to spite you Stephen, I’m going to keep a journal and mark off how many times I masturbate in a day. This is at least once every day, sometimes twice, rarely (but sometimes) 3 or more times. I will be sure to keep track of my record and try and beat it through profuse downloading of internet porn followed by repetetive masturbation.
Regards,
Matt
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Ok this is stupid!!! I was raised in church and still go most every week. I am 22 Married and have 2 beautiful
kids (one of each). I love my God and read my bible, and I know for a fact that my husband masterbates on occation
as do I. I say, better he masterbate when I am NOT in the MOOD than go loking for SEX somewhere else!!!
I mean r you really saying that masterbation is bad? what world were you born in??? Masterbation IS a normal thing
like another comment said, You cannot get STD’s from masterbating. well you can if you masterbating in a group
and using toys and shareing the toys with everyone in the group…Seirously!!!! COME ON!!!
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Ah, so you have discussed masturbation with your therapists? Glad to know you are willing to attempt to fix your own problem.
Wait a tick, did you talk to your therapists about boys masturbating and tying them up??
I have one word for you: PEDOPHILE!
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i’ll sum up everything i have to say about you in a quote from yourself; “you’re not fooling anyone with your high rhetoric.”
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This has got to be the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. If I ever caught my wife sniffing my sons sheets I’d pack her off to the cracker factory. What in the fuck is up with this? Is it for real or is this whole site a fucking front for comedy central? If this truly is satirical, please come work for me! If not, just fucking forget I exist, you’re as crazy as a shithouse rat! Just how in the hell does whacking off lead to a life of crime? I never heard of anyone doing time for robbing the ky truck. Holy shit, this is too fucking funny! I think I’ll go rub one out just for the hell of it, after I piss my pants laughing.
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sign 1: they wear a cross necklace around their neck.
Sign 2: they say they don’t masturbate.
Sign 3: they tell you not to masturbate
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ish sorry Billings but I also masturbate ( like every fucking people In this world and I don’t look like the guys with red glasses sure I wears Glasses but it’s for My near sighted problem
I shave and wash regularly and I am actually decent manner for a lot of people I never cheat or steal (well sometimes I lie like everyone else)
Oh by the way Billings I’m sure you are the Number One Master masturbator ?
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I understand your dilemma my friend. Here’s a great resource for you and good luck!
http://www.howtostopmasturbating.com/
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Jesus Christ, you are really living in your own bubble, aren’t you?!
Don’t you understand your behaviour and ‘insights’ are damaging the last bit of respect people can muster for conservative Christians these days?
Your ignorance is appalling!
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look for person who looks exactly like billings. Now thats a wanker.
now the only reason he see’s himself not a wanker, Its time to play with uncle Steve girls and boys
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and it’s time to play “use billings own stupid methods against him”
now just as billings have posted 2 pictures and used them to comment on how they look and made some weird corelation about that would have something to do with them masturbating you should do something alike. i will start by posting a picture that shows how you will look if you are christian and if you are not. LET’S PLAY!!!
okay here we have hot girl not beliveing in god and obvously haveing a sense of humour
and here we hav- OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT!!! GET IT AWAY.
yeah this is what christianity will turn you into.
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A gay zombie?
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Lol a Gay zombie funny
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gay zombie….. IT’S ZOMBIE JESUS!!! WE FOUND HIM!!!!!
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Oh wow! She’s hot!
I’m masturbating to her picture.
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Remember that ChristWire is helping our urban ministry sell ex masturbatory tshirts.
Ex Masturbatory tshirts
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And also giving lessons for those who’d like to learn to do it correctly.
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Buy our anti-masturbatory shirts! Moneys!! We needs it!!!!!! FEEEED MEE
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oh my god. that is hillarious. I want to buy your stupid/awesome ex-masturbator shirt. do you have any idea how many people would NOT take that seriously? plus it gives me a chance to tell this story and make fun of you.
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LOLOLOLOLOL EX-MASTURBATOR?? That’s amazing. Seriously, amazing. I would totally wear that shirt.
Btw, “EX-VIRGIN”?? That makes no sense.
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LOL….i used to masturbate, but all i got was this cum-stained t-shirt!
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I spent 3 hours the other day with an “oversized sexual aid” and, all of a sudden, hair began growing from my palms, and I went blind!
Oh, if only I had repented my evil, lustful ways. Alas.
Ah well. Time for porn!
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It’s not really appropriate to make jokes here, sorry.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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guess what i’m doing right now
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Why not?
This ENTIRE SITE is a joke.
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Yeah… This is a joke right?
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thanks for reminding masterbation is the reason we have wars …..
ohh no thats right most of the wars in the world today and through
history is because of religion . half of you so called christions are child molestors , porn freaks ,theives and you hide behind your faith get a life and leave us normal people to a normal life
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Its also not appropriate to be a hateful , judgmental,worthless human being,…but you have no problem doing it.People like you are the root of everything thats wrong in this world.I am having a hard time believing this website is even real.I feel sorry for you,truly
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WOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS CRAP IS ACTUALLY FOLLOWED AND BELIEVED BY PEOPLE !!! ?????? WHAT THE FUCK! WE LIVE IN 2010 AND THIS BULLSHIT IS STILL BEING SPREAD AROUND?!?!?!? WOWOWOWOW MASTURBATION IS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND NATURAL AND THOSE OF YOU THAT BELIEVE ITS EVIL ARE FRIGGIN IDIOTS IM SORRY BUT YOU ARE!!! MUTUAL MASTURBATION IS A GREAT THING TO DO WITH YOUR LOVER AS IT CAN HELP YOU TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHERS BODIES BETTER!!! SEX IS BEAUTIFUL AND THE HUMAN NAKED FORM IS ALSO BEAUTIFUL… AT LEAST THOSE OF US THAT MASTURBATE AND BELIEVE IN THIS EVIL ARENT LIKE YOUR GODDAMNED PRIESTS THAT LIKE TO MOLEST AND RAPE LITTLE FUCKING BOYS ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SICKOS AND PERVS UR PRIESTS ARE BUT WE ARE THE FUCKED UP ONES???? WTF!! LMFAO
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Hey Leslie,
You sound like a hot chick with a big dildo. Want to have cybersex and masturbate together some time?
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Handcuffs can help. Parents should cuff masterbators to their beadposts and hang Bibles from the ceiling or play recodings of appropriate Biblical passages to reform these Godless heathens.
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Well in the old days children would have their hands tied to bedposts with soft towels. It was not painful at all, but did limit any late night temptations but I don’t think parents would be willing to do that these days.
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You know what I did today? I took a copy of that stupid book you are so fond of, rolled a bunch of pages up from Luke, and shoved it in my ass and whacked off while doing so. I chose Luke, because my last boyfriend was named Luke, and he had a huge cock.
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MEIN FUHRER! OUR INFORMATION IS INCORRECT! our national socialist allies in germany have uncovered that your research iz actually incorrect! ZE SOURCE, YOU TOOK IT TOO EARLY! ZE STUDIES, ZHEY WERE UNCONCLUSIVE! ZHEY… ZHEY WERE RESOLVED AS THIS! http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3072021.stm MEIN FUHRER, WHAT DO WE DO? SHOULD WE BLATENTLY DISREGARD all EVIDENCE? OR SHOULD WE FALL BACK ON PUSSY BIBLE QUOTES?
DIRECT US! ZEIG HEIL!
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Now now, don’t tease him, you know christians don’t believe in science.
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YOU SOUND LIKE A FRAK!YOU BELONG IN JAIL!TIE KIDS HANDS TO THERE BEDPOST.ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!!F ING DISGUSTING
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dear stephen, i just want to say, i believe that you are a kiddie porn loving, masturbator child molestor.
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Your correct Billings – they wouldn’t do that today because it is PURE CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
“For adults, masturbation exhausts.” – Sex in general exhausts one. Evidently you’ve never had any type of sex, or you would know this.
“The connection to workplace safety is evident, particularly with men operating heavy machinery or dangerous equipment.” Can you please post your link to this fact? Oh, wait, I know that’s a stupid question. You have no sources for crap you make up.
“In offices, internet porn is the most common cause of procrastination and another drain on the economy.” Guess you’ve never held a real job. Major corporations have ’spyware’ on their computers where they are able to track just what their employees are doing on the internet. I used to work for a small medical equipment supplier that even did this.
“Despite the warnings of doctors and religious scholars, masturbation still remains very popular in America. As a society, this degree of self-manipulation goes too far in familiarizing men and women with their bodies.”
I don’t know of any doctors that state this – just the opposite. My husband has been prone to prostate problems for the last 5 years. His doctor back in IN told him frequent ejaculation would help. Even his Doctor at the Veterans Administration where we currently live has told him the same thing. I’ve seen this stated several times by several doctors on TV when discussing this.
As far as the second sentence goes, that is a good thing. Why?? Because you will know what your body is like. It helps one diagnose different medical issues that one may have. My Mother had a cancerous spot show up on her labia (do you know where that is Billings?). HER doctor told her that she should actually examine herself monthly (guess you can get the drift from that statement that my mother does not masturbate and since it was at a time when my father was still alive, they weren’t having regular sex).
“Masturbation has had a ruinous effect on the institution of marriage.” Again, please state where you obtained these facts? I agree with the other person on here that stated that she prefer her husband to masturbate when she doesn’t feel like having sex instead of seeking out other women to have an affair with. I’m right there with you Sister!! Maybe if my first husband had done that more often, we may still be married. Also, I wouldn’t have contracted an STD that caused me to have to have a partial hysterectomy at the age of 28. No, instead he chose to have numerous sexual one night stands.
“Countless couples have been destroyed by porn addiction, many other men have just given up on the idea of marriage because they prefer to pleasure themselves whenever they choose, free from the interruptions of family life.”
The first part of this is THE only statement in which you are correct, however it has nothing to do with the entire blog (I REFUSE to call you a journalist until you start doing actual research and gladly site your sources instead of making them up).
There is a HUGE difference between porn and a person that occasionally masturbates. One does not need to watch porn to masturbate, however, with that being said, there is such a thing as a porn addiction. Occasionally watching porn can help to spice up a married sex life. MANY psychologists will tell you that.
As far as the second part – well, that could be a good thing, after all our world is overpopulated as well. That may be a good measure of population control.
“Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” ”
You have got to be kidding me!!!! What a friggin joke!!! AND TRULY DISGUSTING!! I bet the ‘mothers’ that told you this probably sniff their underwear!!!
You also stated above that it was not ok to joke in regards to this. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE I HAVE EVER SEEN!! Please, Please, Please, Please go crawl back under the rock that you came out from under!!
You are such a self-righteous bigot that it just stupefies that you can exist anywhere. I bet you don’t even go out in the daylight for fear of contracting a disease from us ordinary people.
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T Alenduff, you are awesome.
I mentioned to him about the fact the article he linked to his statment of “Despite the warnings of doctors and religious scholars, masturbation still remains very popular in America” was completely OPPOSITE of what he wrote. I seriously laughed.
I don’t support masturbation, but i am not about to shout out at the top of my lungs (even though he is attempting to write satire) about binding a youth to a bed, and then claim that it’s “been done.” Sickness of the mind, that man has…
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PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE! PEDOPHILE!
I think this is the best argument and the honest truth: Billings is a pedophile!
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Your mental instability is frightening.
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Billings, why do you keep doing this?
99% of the people who read your article are not here because they agree with you.
To most people, you come across as a psychotic religious nutcase with a severe disconnect from reality.
Your sources are contrived and clearly disregard any evidence that disagrees with you.
But seriously, you are not helping anyone become closer to god, the people who already agree with you will praise you, (like the reverend)and the people you are trying to save, the “sinners”, the masterbators, those who are “doomed to hell”, are only driven away by your pretentious nature. Instead of responding to people who disagree with you with rational retorts, you pass judgment upon them, you insult them, you commit the very sins you condemn them for, every time you have responded to a comment, you have “sinned”.
The scary part is, i think you are aware of exactly what you are doing.
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Chico, this article has been helpful to many, but becuase of the internet a large groups has decided to spam this message board with their hate and nonsense. It is important for my composure and credibility to level the playing field so to speak with reason and faith. So yes, I do need to reply to some of the more insane posts on here. But I have heard privately from many parents that this article was truly helpful for dealing with troubled teens.
“He that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.”
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Glad to get a prompt response
anyways…
I want to try and keep this as professional as possible, please understand that I’m trying my hardest not to offend.
look man, your articles do come across as an illogical rant. For example your photo comparison, that’s the kind of stuff that is gonna get you in trouble with your readers. There’s no evidence to back up your claims.
For the first one, I will acknowledge that Snooki is a freak of nature, but what you say about Penny Nance Young? in your description it honestly sounds like you have a thing for her.”Flawless”, “perfect”, “intense”, to most people that is entering creeper territory. There is no information out there that gives any indication as to whether or not either of them masterbate.
In the second one, Brand has no reason to masturbate, women probably line up for him, the picture you chose was intentionally a bad one, and your readers can see you are attempting to put a spin on your article. In addition, judging by the fact that he was at some sort of premiere in that picture, I’m willing to bet that he had about half a dozen people working to give him that “i honestly don’t give a shit look”, that’s just his style, there is no reason to attribute it to masturbation, teenage girls think its cool.
*Also, if someone makes a post that’s intentionally trying to provoke you, such as typing Pedophile repeatedly or posting an obscene image, IGNORE it, you wont do anything by arguing with them. But, you need to take serious account of the kids who give “rational” responses, the ones that actually try to make an argument, dont just blow them off by saying “Claire, you’re not fooling anyone with your high rhetoric.” That very sentence is hypocritical.
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I really don’t need the lecture, nor your advice. I lead my life very well and my faith and even my journalism reflects that. I find the tone of your comment unbecoming and rather arrogant. In actuality, I am likely 30 years your senior, so please show some respect.
“Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” –Proverbs 29:17.
As for these children throwing all their vile anger and verbal threats at me, I am not dismayed and I will remain strong in my faith in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. All that doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger. And despite all this spamming on here, our message at Christwire continues to reverberate across America. Do you not worry about the souls of our children?
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I apologize, I do not intend to come across as arrogant, I simply disagree with your views and offered what I viewed as constructive criticism.
but, whats wrong with my opinions just because I might be 30 years your younger? Age has nothing to do with the quality of an argument. In all seriousness, what respect should I have shown? I never used offensive language or tried to assert “superiority”, I gave what I viewed as rational critiques of your paper. Do you say I lack respect simply because i disagree with you?
look man, If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t take my advice, don’t make a big show about how you don’t need it.
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“Fore I was blind, but now I see”… a masturbator.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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…in the mirror.
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Woody, I pray that this hostility you feel will subside. I also pray for your soul and tiny, tiny penis.
“Dear Lord, please grant Wodrow the ability to satisfy his wife. My she no longer find comfort in the arms and loins of multiple long shoremen. May his 3 inch erections last longer than his 4 minute sex-act, followed by several hours of crying. May he find mercy in your forgiving touch. For this we pray.”
Amen.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Lol that was actually a really good comeback!
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“Woody, I pray that this hostility you feel will subside. I also pray for your soul and tiny, tiny penis.”
Five star comment. Would read again.
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While you may mean very well and have Godly intentions of helping families break free from the bondage of porn (which can have terrible consequences on families, adolescents and even single individuals), your views and comments are a terrible portrayal of the Christian view. Nothing you have said is based in fact, and you have not used biblical views to back up any of your statements.
If you are trying to be a Christian and lead others to Christ, I want to tell you that you are doing exactly the opposite. These types of condemning articles are precisely why people think that Christians are crazy and exclusive.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Romans 8:1
Condemning those who indulge in sinful behavior (which is all of us, including Christians) does nothing and saves no one. Discouraging the behavior itself, while teaching (out of LOVE for humanity), can encourage a generation to make the right decisions.
Respectfully in Christ,
Amy
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If you are in Christ Jesus, you’re striving to live a life that’s not riddled with sin. Porn is right up there with the biggest fornication and destruction of God’s temple that is your body, so patently, by accepting that sin over a lifestyle that respects Christ, you’re ensuring your soul a first class ticket to the lowest landing strips of hell.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Goddamn, I need to get laid…
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Here’s a tip:
Biblical verses DO NOT make good pick-up lines.
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So I’m assuming you never sinned a day in your life. Never thought a woman was hot, never ate too much at one sitting, never ate pork, never did work on a Sunday, never said oh my God! etc….
If you would bother to read the whole Bible and not just the parts that fit with your weird interpretations, it says that being a Christian isn’t about being free of sin, it’s about recognizing your sin and saying sorry.
Durr!
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who are you to assume to position of God and say who and who does not have a one way ticket to hell? You are all retards. I bet God is sad at how many people you are turning away from him with this ridiculous article.
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we were saved by grace, not by the ability to not masurbate.
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So adam you are without sin ?
wanting destroying entire country despicting female wanted to kill animals ( cats for exemple ) hating your neighbour for what they do judging Other people SHould I continue ??
you have more sins than all atheist combined
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Amy, thank you for taking the time to comment but I disagree wholeheartedly with your discourteous approach to my journalism. I worked hard on this piece and researched it thoroughly. I feel very confident that it is in line with Biblical teaching. The Bible speaks often about masturbation and it is clearly not condoned. If you are here trying to promote that self-centered agenda, you are in the wrong place. It’s also a bad choice to encourage children to do this when you consider the real danger of cancer and infections. I think you should really read your Bible before making these claims. God bless!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Everyone who believes Stevie is a journalist stand on your head.
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Your journalism? This is not journalism. Journalism is unbiased and cites sources. Journalism is not using the words meant to spread love and peace to attack children exploring their body. What you are, sir, is an evil person. You are using centuries old texts to spread lies designed to make others feel bad and oppress the lives of people you have no right to be interfering with.
Masturbation is natural, healthy, and frankly pretty damn enjoyable. If you claim to have never masturbated in your entire life, you are a liar.
By the way, sex is also natural, healthy, and pretty damn enjoyable. Pre-marital sex is happening, will always happen, and there is nothing wrong with it. If you have kids, they did it. Sorry to burst your perfect little bubble.
Being gay is natural, it is not a choice, and it is not evil. It can not be ‘fixed’ or ‘cured’. Looking down upon people that are gay or denying them anything that straight people have is against EVERYTHING Christianity stands for.
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, even if they’re a horrible person like yourself.
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hopefully he doesn’t have kids. If so, they are probably fucked up beyond repair.
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if you worked hard on this, and it is not a joke, then it is the saddest thing I have ever seen. This is a joke right?
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I think you should keep writing this garbage. You make christians look as crazy as they really are. While most of you hide behind normal socially accepted values that you use to validate a crazy belief system, you show just how retarded all of you really are.
Go to Heaven, the real party is in Hell
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I too am shocked that you used the words ‘my journalism’ with regards to this peice;
as I said it’s either satirical fiction or fundamentalist propaganda.
One is genius, the other odious and deceitful.
Which one of those guys lurks in a place like this?
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Ok dude, you said way up the top of the page (May 11, 2010 at 3:08 am) that masturbaton leads to INFECTIONS! and CANCER!
What the fuck dude, if your going to say that you may aswell say that sex leads to it too.
Fuck dude, pulling ya shaft or proding your pipe with ya hand it the same a having intercourse but without all the juices and foreplay.
Fuck man get over yourself, Get off your high horse, download some porn and have your very first wank and tell us all how much you enjoyed it, coz we all know you will.
Now dude this shit has got to stop, you are making me an innocent christen with his own ways look fucking bad, JESUS CHRIST DUDE.
Oh yeah by the way I have Tourette Syndrome, So does good look down on me and say that I’m not going to heaven because I swear, be rude to people and BY GOD MASTERBATE which by the way if you do some research you will see that it is a part of T.S.
BAHAHAHAHA CUNT FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING LIFE!!!
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I am still trying to figure out how Amy was being discourteous. She was, by far, the NICEST person about stating facts. You actually attacked this sweet Christian girl just for nicely saying, “No, I do not believe what you are saying is true…”
Billings, to you I say:
“Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch?” Luke 6:39
“He hath blinded their eyes, and he hardened their heart; Lest they should see with their eyes, and perceive with their heart…” John 12:40
“…that we may be no longer children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, in craftiness, after the wiles of error…” Ephesians 4:14
“Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, in whom ye were sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice:
and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29-32
Can a devil open the eyes of the blind?
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One thing I will agree with you on, I am quite sure Matt Damon hasn’t had to masturbate in a long long time, I am sure he is quite content with all the women that are willing to suck and fuck him 24 hours a day.
I do want to say that Masturbation is bad for the environment, I think of all those trees that are cut down everyday to make tissue and toilet paper that end up being flushed down the toilet every day
Billings, you now have my sympathy, I fully understand why your brain works the way it does, for it is quite apparent that you have not shot your load in 30 years.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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@adam nelson
you and the author are complete idiots. masturbation and pornography are not the same thing. People masturbate plenty without it. You’ve done nothing more than make a freudian slip of sorts, revealing only that your own masturbation habits ritually include pornography.
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Well, the scary thing is that the more teens masturbate, the more the porn industry seeks to meet their needs. In essence, teen masturbation financially supports their worst traits and effects (prostitution, disease, sodomy, homosexuality) and parents are partly to blame if they do not enforce a code of self-control. When one masturbates, there are results.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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so does showing that you a christian. it results in relegious nutjobs like bíllings beliveing they have suport in the masterrace plan of genocide.
porn is an industry. there’s a demand because many find it enjoyable. no body is hurt when it comes to porn. it’s profesionals. sure you’d dislike being in a porn movie. i’d dislike being in a church. but that doesn’t mean every priest in the world is being scared by his job. they most likely enjoy their job. again i have to ask you why should people be denied a pleasure just because it’s not enjoyable for you…and why don’t it go both ways?
Hot debate. What do you think?
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it’s because he’s a virgin jazze
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Pornography truly hurts people. It lowers inhibitions and makes men much more likely to rape. For the poor women involved, many come to porn as prostitutes and leave as crack addicts. Young girls are tricked into the business and ruin any future they may have had as office workers. These women are not just pretty dolls, they are our mothers, our daughters, our sisters and our friends. How sad they must sell their bodies to dirty old men. I cannot fathom that you enjoy this sort of thing.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Oh dear mr billings, do you not realize that the people who go into porn LOVE it?
They wouldn’t do what they do without consent, and before every shoot many have to prove identification and state that they are willing and consenting to do THEIR JOB.
I’ve known several ex-porn stars who are happy and not “crack addicts” they have good families and are healthy normal people.
You are NOT a journalist. You are a retarded inbred christian who takes every word the bible spouts out literally and then spits venomous lies to those who are too dumb to understand that the bible is a piece of shit and shouldn’t be taken seriously. Christianity was young and considered a nuisance like scientology today when the Romans were ruling. I think they had it right when they slaughtered the christians back then, then I wouldn’t have to listen to nutjobs like you who despite SO MUCH EVIDENCE can’t look past your own nose to see that we live in 2010 and there are no witch burnings, there are no heathens. We have the freedom to do and say what we want and so many people choose not to take any religion as their own, which is a trend I hope continues because without it there are just that many conflicts in the world resolved and gone.
Religion is for the weak. You are retarded.
Touch your dick for once in your measly life.
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So its solely men’s fault for porn, women were just tricked into it because of their small inferior brains… I get it now.
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well i forgot to mention that billings is after all a 50 year old virgin so it proves how sad he actually is and it shows he tries to hit on claire all the fucking time but on top of that he’s the biggest hypocrite i have ever seen on his facebook page it show’s that he watches all the things he hates and on top of that he is a fan of them so WTF?? billings your a bigot and a hypocrite at the end of the day.
Saying this as a joke claire so don’t take it seriously but i will take it seriously to bullshit billings I probably have more chance of getting laid with Claire than you even though i have never met her in my life
nothing personal claire don’t take it seriously I’m only supporting you 
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dude a diseased goat have a better chance with any girl than billigs do… saying you have a better chance than billings with claire can’t posibly be insulting to her.
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well it was stupid to say but i was only trying to prove a point really
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Everyone realizes this is a satirical website, right?
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Uh-oh….LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA GET CANCER!
what if i’m a GIRL who masturbates..?!?!?!
It helps me get through stressful days, and it’s just fucking fun!
Am I going to hell because I touch myself and I’m a g…g…gi..GIRL?!?!?!
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It’s a valid question and I may save the answer for a future article.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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In the fundamentalist Christian world, girls don’t matter. They are apparently only, at their best, sniffing their teenaged sons’ sheets, or perhaps an “office worker.”
As for me and my Christian self, I’d better spend my time in prayer for my children, then spending it smelling my child’s sheets — especially when one realizes that boys will have perfectly normal nocturnal emissions that are not masturbatory in origin. Since this happens in their sleep, does this mean that God made a mistake when he put their developing plumbing together? I think not. And does the fact that 99%+ teenaged boys masturbate mean that they are all going to become rapists? Again, I think not. Your science is flawed, sir.
This entire article is a living, breathing example of the non-evolution of mankind.
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this is the funniest thing i have ever seen
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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This is very valuable information, i always thought the pungent smell from my son’s mattress was from the previous Guatemalan owners. However I now know it is the sinful stain of semen!
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That doesn’t make any sense. Why would you buy a mattress in Guatamala?
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Because they live there. The internet exists around the world, not just in America. I’ve gotten on facebook in England, if you need an example.
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Because Guatemalans can live wherever they want, so long as they are from Guatemala originally. (This is the part which makes them Guatemalan.)
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Wow, I’ve been trolling for less than a year on this site and I already have an imitator. *insert SSB ‘new record’ announcement here*
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“One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.””
Not only is that absolutely disgusting, but it’s a total invasion of privacy.
Fuckin’ lol’d… you guys seriously need to do some research. Everything you say are total lies… oh, and guess what. I’M BISEXUAL.
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A mother has a responsibility to her child. When you’re an adult you’ll understand.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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lolwut? did you even read his comment?
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Are you daft? I am saying that it is the responsibility of every mother to monitor the activities of her children, particularly her boys. Moms should guide their boys into adulthood with with information about sexuality as Biblically defined. Obviously public schools teach much premature and try to make children sexually active giving out free condoms, normalizing homosexuality, anal sex, etc. If we teach our children about waiting until marriage to engage in physical contact according to God’s laws, we really have nothing to fear.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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No, I’m not “daft”. And the Bible? What a load. It’s as real as Harry Potter.
Look dude, I like the idea of no sex until your ready. But when the teens are ready, they have the right to do that.
I really don’t want to argue with someone with the IQ of a McDonald’s cheeseburger.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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“I am saying that it is the responsibility of every mother to monitor the activities of her children, particularly her boys.”
It makes absolutely NO sense for mothers to be the primary “monitors” of their SONS’ activities. Where are the FATHERS in this picture? Shouldn’t FATHERS be the primary “monitors” of the activities of the MALE children?
“Obviously public schools teach much premature and try to make children sexually active giving out free condoms, normalizing homosexuality, anal sex, etc.”
Do you realize how asinine that sounds? Public schools are not encouraging kids to have sex. Public schools ACCEPT the fact that teens are going to have sex, and that many times, NOTHING can stop said teens from doing the deed, so they provide them with protection and information on how to have SAFE sex. Trust me, I’ve told my friends time and again just how stupid and risky it is to have sex at their age, but many of them go ahead and do it anyway. At least educate them on how to be safe and hopefully SOME of them will heed the information. Oh, and homosexuality is perfectly normal.
“If we teach our children about waiting until marriage to engage in physical contact according to God’s laws, we really have nothing to fear.”
That’s just what my dad’s Texan friend taught his two daughters, and it’s also what they were taught in school, and both of them wound up unwed mothers, one of them at only age 16, so…
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Masturbation is not only normal, but it’s healthy. It starts from the time we’re infants. It helps to have a healthy body image and also helps to learn normal body functions and be able to realize if something is not normal, i.e. a lump in a breast, testicle, or labia. As parents people should be understanding of a teenagers needs and not penalize or “make weird” any normal habits that will continue throughout adulthood. No adolescent should be alienated for exploring a new time in their life and learning how their body will now work. Understanding masturbation is a completely healthy response to raging hormones actually lessens the chance a person will rape someone. If rape and masturbation are both sins, as equal as oh say, killing someone or violating a small child, then what difference in their mind is there? In my humble opinion religions and their doctrine should be used to uplift and rejoice in people and their actions, not to repress and alienate people who are being safe (not having unprotected sex and still experiencing a feeling similar) with their (God’s) temple. I think our God could be appalled at the content of this article.
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“That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear.
Christfag has failed, atheisfag has won I declare aybabtu, now you must listen to my aybabtu chant: lolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtulolaybabtu
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I’m wondering if my awesome trolling made the site crash earlier. That’s right, shake the silliness to the core! Rock it!
Randomness….
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you have a right to privacy from even your parents. if they do this you can get social services to deem them unqualified to have children…just saying.
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You parents pay for your doctor’s visits. Your mom not only buys your clothes, she cleans them. She cooks your food, drives you to school. You father pays for the roof over your head, that front lawn of yours, your rooms full of toys, the family television. I think it’s evident your parents have every right to be involved with your lives. They have a responsibility to care for you in the best way possible. If you are show up to the emergency room with scars and shoeprints on your head, your parents will be investigated.
I would go further and say since your parents are paying and providing for everything in your lives, YOU OWE THEM! You owe it to them to be good children, to work hard in school, to excel at sports and to keep yourself clean and decent.
You people all seem to imagine you live free of any responsibilities but you are actually living in loving families and there are obligations.
Hot debate. What do you think?
8 
51
you are right in more or less all you say there. 2 mistakes.
one execling at sports is not something anyone can demand. at best that i excel at something.
second whille they do have to watch over me they have no right to be part of my sex life. do you call mom every time you’re going to bed with that diseased goat we have concluded is your best bet?
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“You parents pay for your doctor’s visits. Your mom not only buys your clothes, she cleans them. She cooks your food, drives you to school. You father pays for the roof over your head, that front lawn of yours, your rooms full of toys, the family television.”
You dumb queef. When I visit the doctor, my insurance covers it. I buy my own clothes, I clean my own clothes, I cook my own food. I drive myself to school. My father doesn’t pay jack shit- he’s in a different state. I mow that lawn. Fuck toys. I paid for my computer and everything that goes in it.
“I think it’s evident your parents have every right to be involved with your lives. They have a responsibility to care for you in the best way possible. If you are show up to the emergency room with scars and shoeprints on your head, your parents will be investigated.”
Yes, they will. They’d believe me if I said they did it. But if they didn’t do it, then why lie?
“I would go further and say since your parents are paying and providing for everything in your lives, YOU OWE THEM! You owe it to them to be good children, to work hard in school, to excel at sports and to keep yourself clean and decent.”
Fuck sports. I excel at masturbating.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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“Your mom not only buys your clothes, she cleans them. She cooks your food, drives you to school. You father pays for the roof over your head, that front lawn of yours, your rooms full of toys, the family television.”
This is the 21st Century. Mothers roles are no longer limited to buying and washing clothes, douchebag.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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‘excel at sports ‘
Ha ha ha ha… American imprint on your children MUCH?
Tell me Mr B… have you heard of ’sweeping generalisations?’
You seem to specialise in them.
Rest assured, the naive and uneducated thrive on them.
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2
“A mother has a responsibility to her child. When you’re an adult you’ll understand.”
Perhaps when it comes to MALE teenagers and the issues of masturbation and sexuality, the FATHER (you know, the parent with the penis, testicles, and other MALE reproductive organs) should deal with them.
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Ooh billings… this article… you’ve aroused me… I can’t help it… I must… be your bad little child… you like that don’t you… yeah, of course you do… ooh… feels so good, billings… oooooooh….
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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What seems not to have been mentioned here is addiction to masturbation. Any form of addiction leads to problems, and masturbation can be highly addictive. This can then cause problems in relationships where for example a guy prefers the easy hit of masturbation to making love to his wife or partner. It causes avoidance, a secret life, denial and shame if and when it comes to light. As a parent, I am under no illusion that my three sons masturbate regularly; what I am afraid of, though, is that they might become addicts, like their father. I was an addict for years, and it robbed me of my peace and my wife of the sort of trusting closeness that I wanted us to have. It is sorted now, but only after a lot of heartache and working through it together. I am neutral on masturbation, as I think the Bible is, and I certainly won’t be lecturing my boys on the subject. I will love and support them un conditionally whatever they do. But being controlled by it, needing to do it furtively three times a day just to get through, to cope, was not a recipe for happiness in my case. It is the addiction that is the issue. It can be a slippery slope, but if not, then fine. Just my opinion everyone. Peace to you all.
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Addiction or excess of anything is wrong but when it comes to chaffing your organs it’s much worse. Wasting seed is a sin in the eyes of Jesus and it leads to physical immorality. It familiarizes children with sex and their bodies as toys of erotic pleasure. Nothing moral about that!
Hot debate. What do you think?
5 
32
“Addiction or excess of anything is wrong”
Yes, like overeating.
“but when it comes to chaffing your organs it’s much worse.”
Not if you’re gentle about it.
“Wasting seed is a sin in the eyes of Jesus and it leads to physical immorality. It familiarizes children with sex and their bodies as toys of erotic pleasure. Nothing moral about that!”
Would you rather teenagers have sex instead???
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“Wasting seed is a sin in the eyes of Jesus and it leads to physical immorality”
Actually, you’re not “wasting” anything, since your body makes new semen constantly. And there is an Australian study that actually proves that regular masturbation increases fertility.
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Does wasting seed include birth control? If so, WOW. Just WOW. Besides which, many of the edicts in Leviticus were done away with when Jesus died on the cross — Jesus’ teachings taught us that we don’t have to go and sacrifice animals in order to absolve our sins, so what parts of Leviticus and the Old Testament are we picking and choosing to use to our own twisted thinking? I’m not saying that the Old Testamant is irrevelant, but I am saying that parts of it are, and Jesus taught that. Not sure his standing on birth control though.
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My personal feelings on this (and I have been born again since the 1970’s):
My mother in her wisdom preferred me masturbating privately at home instead of going out experimenting with girls. My only sexual partner has been my wife of 37 years.
The Bible as I understand it, does not forbid masturbation as it does adultery, fornication, etc.
It is unrealistic to try to keep boys from release of sexual tension, because otherwise it will cause them to gravitate to other outlets that bring more danger.
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After reading a number of your articles I have decided that you are too stupid and single minded too deserve any more of my attention. The points you bring up in many of your articles are just completely ridiculous and idiotic. People like you seriously make me lose faith in the progression of the human race. You are the reason why the world is not a more accepting place. I would have hoped that someone who claims to be such a devout Christian would use their religion for good but instead you just use it to alienate others and attempt to drive ridiculous fears and ideas into the minds of your readers. Your writings are a disgrace to humanity.
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Katie, I under you want to disagree and when you’re young, it’s fun to rebel. I just hope you keep faith and Jesus Christ in mind as you go through the trails of life. He truly love You! Some day when you’re in need, think about praying to Him. Jesus can truly help you out of any situation and the community of Christians in America is the most wonderful, caring, intelligent group you will ever encounter and guess what? They want to embrace You!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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yeah saying there should be room for everyone sure is rebeling right? all hail the master race!! SEIG HEIL!!!!
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I find all this Nazi-bashing just inappopriate.
Hot debate. What do you think?
5 
47
Billings, you want to protect the poor Nazis from nasty old Jazze? Think carefully before you use slang, or you’ll end up looking more stupid than you do already.
—BobTheChairGuy
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Let’s make it apparent that I don’t believe in God. Or Jesus Christ for that matter. Or anything Christian. I’m a Wiccan. :3
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It’s just so easy to condemn the Nazis but what do you people know about history? The Germans were being threatened by Soviet totalitarianism on one side, French liberalism on the other. They were a Christian and Nationalist nation. They believed in the goodness of their own people. There is a lot to admire in their nobility.
Hot debate. What do you think?
6 
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No..they didn’t stick up for all their people, they betrayed Russia, killed millions of Jews, Polish, French, German, they stomped over Europe with some pockets of France fighting back whilst we British support the French resistance, fight in Africa, and bomb German cities, along with this the Germans eventually didn’t bomb strategic targets but rather bombed civilian districts and murdered harmless soldiers.
But because the bastards cared for those who where the ‘master-race’ they where good people? Hang yourself.
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“I find all this Nazi-bashing just inappopriate.”
I find Nazi-bashing to be quite appropriate, considering how, you know, they killed millions of innocent people…
My grandfather fought in WWII; he even had a dagger with a swastika on it that he swiped from a Nazi that he killed, and he was a devout Southern Baptist.
WWII was the last war that American was justified in entering, because the Nazis were pure evil and Hitler was a maniac and a threat to the entire planet.
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Oh. My. GOD. I read your article, and it gave a me a few laughs to think that there are humans with so small a grasp on the world as you. Scrolling down, I noticed two of your comments. In one you say there is too much Nazi-bashing going on. In the other you called them a Christian nation. I am forced to pose the question: do you possess a brain? “THOU SHALT NOT KILL.” Is that hard to understand?? The Nazis, as a state, systematically killed over 6 million civilians. That’s Christian?! If so, then you have convinced me to get as far as possible from Christianity for the safety of myself, my family, my friends, this country, and the world at large. Please rethink your view of the world before you let any other hate-filled phrase drip from your mouth. As a Pole who has heard many horror stories concerning their atrocities, from mountains of discarded glasses and shoes of the dead to the literal hills surrounding Auschwitz formed from the ashes of the dead…..I am floored by your complete lack of concern for fellow humans. I typically dislike religious extremists, but from your posts, it is apparent that your flaws run much deeper. Like I said, thank you from scaring myself away from Christianity. Thank you.
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Allright people, let’s not over react and take things out of context. This is a polite discussion, no need to attack me for my heartfelt political views of history. Just because you’re blind to the truth and insulting your own race, doesn’t mean I can’t help you learn.
Hot debate. What do you think?
5 
41
nazis are not a race you dumb fuck.
i have every right to bad mouth a group of people who belive that they have the right to kill everyone who is not the way they want them to be…. you really are a nazi now that i think about it.
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Nazi bashing ‘not appropriate’? Your ‘political views’? We are ‘blind to the truth’? A bit insulting to maintain that we have no idea about history and the real rise of the National Socialist Party in Germany? We are educated to some level or other. We may not believe YOUR ‘truth’. Going by your inaccurate and unverified ‘facts’, your ‘truth’ has no semblance to the anyone else’s truth other than a small group of deluded morons. Technically I am a ‘christian’ with a small ‘c’, but in truth it is people like yourself that have turned me away from the christian church and made me question the teachings and validity of christianity. If that is what you set out to do with this farce of a website, well done. I’m sure that many start reading the tripe you post as your views of correct christian living and turn away, never to return. In fact, this has the very effect that the devil is seeking. You are doing the devil’s work! And doing it very well indeed. I’m sure you and all your Christian friends will rejoice in that thought.
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Did he just said He loved nazism ( National socialist aprty )
oh and russia was not Totalitarian just letting you know
and France liberalism at least are not fascism
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Katie,
It’s more likely than not that the human race will shortly leave the fundies behind us as science and technology make more and more discoveries. I mean look at this site, even. Billings and his lot are outnumbered at least 200 to one and counting, and that’s on their own website.
—BobTheChairGuy
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Katie, I applaud your comment. I couldn’t have said it any better myself. I just wrote a comment but I still hadn’t seen yours but you totally summed up my thoughts.
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Immediately after reading this I masturbated…and i enjoyed it. reading this got me so upset that i think i will masturbate again right now.
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There’s no way that a logical human being can believe this. It has to be a front of some sort because it is absurd to think that something so normal and healthy can be spoken about in such a way. Teaching other’s to stereotype by looking at appearances of other’s is not only unchristian but immoral and just plain wrong! This hatred and finger pointing has gone way to far.
If anything RELIGION is the number one cause of death SINCE THE EXISTENCE OF THE HUMAN RACE and this is not one of the made up stats that you put into this article. How about for just one day you stop telling other people how to live their lives and worry about your owns and actually HELPING people.
I leave you with a big FUCK YOU for putting this nonsense into people’s heads.
Hot debate. What do you think?
26 
4
Another liberal with his hot bag of conspiracy theories. Save it for your local PTA meeting fella.
Hot debate. What do you think?
5 
51
Hurm. Conspiracy theories, you say. Let’s list off some of these conspiracies: the Crusades, the Inquisition, pogroms. So you’re saying religion hasn’t contributed anything to war? Interesting; you’re kinda starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist there yourself, Stephen. Sorry to burst your bubble.
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BILLINGS IS A NAZI-SUPPORTER!
I bet you just loved the way they killed off everyone different, less than the blue-eyed blonde-haired ideal. Is Hitler your role-model? He too thought that gay people were disgusting, in fact he tried to massacre them. Do you dream of that, you nasty little bastard? Do you think of the screams of your opponents as they suffocate in the gas chambers? Dream of making your country great again? I thought you were an idiot, but this is a whole new side, Stevie. Hitler was an atheist, he used religion to keep the people down as is still done in many countries around the world today.
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“It’s just so easy to condemn the Nazis but what do you people know about history? The Germans were being threatened by Soviet totalitarianism on one side, French liberalism on the other. They were a Christian and Nationalist nation. They believed in the goodness of their own people. There is a lot to admire in their nobility.”
Wow, that totally justifies genocide against those who followed a faith that… *gasp*… CHRISTIANITY IS DERIVED FROM.
My brother, it is not those who pleasure themselves that are going blind. It is you.
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We don’t need your nonsense hate speech here, friend. And what does this have to do with the Jews? We’re talking about masturbation.
Hot debate. What do you think?
4 
39
MY hate speech? Believe it or not, brother, you are the one who said that word for word.
Or are you so blind that you would forget what you say?
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I Am So SIck Of You Little Imbecile Shouting Me Down!!!!!!!!
I was commenting on your stupid reaction to my comment. Do you even have a brain or have you been smoking too much pot or going to public school? You don’t understand the basic concepts of journalism or faith so save your childish antics to your ghetto abandoned lots, you little pervert.
Hot debate. What do you think?
6 
46
Whoa, easy there, big fella.
Save some energy for your harem of small boys.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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that is the consequences of saying stupid shit on the internet. if you are not willing to take the consequnces then fucking don’t say stupid shit on the internet.
you bring it on yourself. seriously you are wandering into enemy teritory here(yes your own site is populated mainly by non-belivers mainly because it’s on the fucking internet) and it is there for comparabel to the man who walks in to a church and dtsart cursing at god on a sunday. would you take it? or would you be offened when this man talks about how evil you are when you ask him to leave because he is so intolerant.
you are wrong. we are simply proveing that to you. this is not a personal attack(that often) but because you make it to be one it further proves that the isue at hand is quite close to you personally.
you are digging your own grave…. and right about now nobody can get you out even if they wanted to
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Tantrum much?
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“We don’t need your nonsense hate speech here, friend”. Oh, I see the agenda here. We don’t want any ‘nonsense hate speech’ other than YOUR ‘nonsense hate speech’, even if that ‘nonsense hate speech’ is pointing out that YOUR ‘nonsense hate speech’ is bias, inaccurate, unfounded rubbish. I can see that your acceptance of the Nazi ways goes further than just political and ideological, you have the same values in public information distribution as well.
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you’re an idiot.
you’re getting angry at people’s
responses to what you have said.
you are clearly not a christian,
but a child fucking, moronic dictator.
i’m sure hitler’s smiling in his grave
at the stupid pointless things you have said.
PEACE OUT MOTHERFUKAAAAA
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“It’s just so easy to condemn the Nazis but what do you people know about history? The Germans were being threatened by Soviet totalitarianism on one side, French liberalism on the other. They were a Christian and Nationalist nation.”
You’re serious? You’re ACTUALLY trying to justify the actions of the Nazis? You’re even more fucked up than I thought.
“They believed in the goodness of their own people.”
No, they believed in the extreme superiority of their people, which proved to be a dangerous thing.
“There is a lot to admire in their nobility.”
And a lot to fear in it, as they proved to us.
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This is true Claire, but totally off topic! This article is a discussion for parents dealing with troubled teens, not a giant history lesson. Let’s stay on topic, people!
Hot debate. What do you think?
4 
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“This is true Claire, but totally off topic! This article is a discussion for parents dealing with troubled teens, not a giant history lesson. Let’s stay on topic, people!”
You’re the one who started defending the Nazis, dumbass. When someone begins doing something as asinine as justifying the actions of the Nazis, it’s gonna throw the entire conversation off track.
Oh, and just because a teen does something totally natural, like masturbate, he/she is not “troubled”. What’s troubling is that you think parents have the right to smell their son’s bedsheets (ewwww!) for semen.
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Claire, don’t be naive. Troubled teens masturbate. You know it. I know it. Don’t deflect the issue at hand.
Hot debate. What do you think?
5 
36
ALL teens masturbate, and those who don’t at least WANT to. It’s you who’s being naive.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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This has to be the biggest load of crap i’ve ever read on the internet! Let the brainwashing continue! WOOHOO
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Christwire, articles like this are the reason so many people are turned off to Christianity. as a Christian myself, I’m ashamed to be associated with you and your ridiculous piety. I hope God forgives you.
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GOOD THING MY PARENTS CUT MY FORESKIN OFF SO I CAN’T MASTURBATE. PRAYSE JAYSUS.
Fucking retards.
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I guarantee that Billing’s mum had a fiddle now and then. She clearly enjoyed getting railed by a mentally defective simpleton to have this social retard slide out of her musty cave.
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DONT YOU DARE INSULT MY MOTHER THAT IS WRONG AND DISGUSTING SHE IS A GOOD WOMAN WHO IS ONLY HUMAN AND MIGHT HAVE HUMAN PROBLEMS BUT SHE IS FAR BETTER THAN YOU LITTLE INTERNET SCUMBAGS HERE DESTROYING WHAT IS A ARTICLE ONLY MEANT FOR PARENTS.
Hot debate. What do you think?
5 
45
“DONT YOU DARE INSULT MY MOTHER THAT IS WRONG AND DISGUSTING SHE IS A GOOD WOMAN WHO IS ONLY HUMAN AND MIGHT HAVE HUMAN PROBLEMS BUT SHE IS FAR BETTER THAN YOU LITTLE INTERNET SCUMBAGS HERE DESTROYING WHAT IS A ARTICLE ONLY MEANT FOR PARENTS.”
Uh-oh, it must be a full moon.
Billings, if you were a real journalist, you wouldn’t fly off the handle and write run-on sentences in all caps with no commas.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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asee billings that’s the thing about the internet. you may have a targte audience. but no way in hell are you ever gonna be able to enforce it. if you were a journalist you’d knew. same goes for the fact that anyone slightly profesional knows that personal insults merely shows a lack of ability to discuss the subject in most cases. and seeing you inability to cope with people doing it to you despite you doing it all the time both proves you are not a yournalist you are not even a profesional blogger you are a hypocrit and you are not foloowing the teaching of christ(do unto others what you’d want them to do unto you IS a christian thing right?)
Praise or Condemn:
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“…a article only meant for parents.” For a “journalist” (and I use the term loosely). In cases where an article (in this case ‘a’ or ‘an’) preceedes a word that begins with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) the article to use is “an” and not “a”. The correct grammar for the end of this sentence should be “AN article meant only for parents.”
You suck, Stevie. How dare you call yourself a journalist. Hack is a more apt term.
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17 
2
FONZIE
BE WITH YOU
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I REGRET TO HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR MOTHER IS NOT A VIRGIN AND THERE IE A GOOD CHANCE THAT YOUR FATHER IS A MOTHER FUCKER (I CAN’T BE SURE OF THE LAST PART OR IF HE EVEN WAS YOUR FATHER)
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2 
1
This article is total HOTNESS… Definitely made me laugh!! By the way, the author sounds like he masturbates on the regular. I know because of the way he types.. he pounds on the keyboard and this article has a distinct “pungent bleach-like odor” to it LOL
god bless the net!
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It took me a minute to realize this post was not a joke. I find what you say to be quite masturbatory actually. This post is rather self-stimulating for you isn’t it? You may not masturbate physically, you just do it with your website. Just how did YOU develop such fine skills to be able to spot a masturbator anyway? How do you know that Matt Damon doesn’t masturbate? It’s just kind of creepy that you would devote an entire post to the subject of young boys masturbating. Creepy…
Praise or Condemn:
16 
2
Save your liberal horse dung for the farmhands you little freak. Do you even have the slighest clue what faith is? Have you been Saved? Why must you go around being a radical? People like you are disgusting and a pox upon on their own race.
Hot debate. What do you think?
3 
49
Billings: “Save your liberal horse dung for the farmhands you little freak. Do you even have the slighest clue what faith is? Have you been Saved? Why must you go around being a radical? People like you are disgusting and a pox upon on their own race.”
Billings: “Dear Nick, you are an imbecile. Your crude attempt to cut up my journalism fails at every level. You are a liberal weak-kneed scumbag….”
hm, real “christian” of you. calling people freaks, disgusting, scumbags, imbecile.. and then belittling them. billings, you know you’ve masturbated before and probably A LOT, and you enjoyed it too. don’t try and deny it. you’re not “holier than though,” whatsoever. you haven’t convinced me at all. and i’m pretty sure you haven’t convinced anyone else.. especially in the way you speak to people on here. you can’t pick and choose what you’re going to follow in the bible. your article here isn’t doing much. and you’ve failed pretty miserably at defending yourself.
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11 
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OMG this is the FUNNIEST thing i have ever read. I love masturbating haha and i certainly don’t look like that guido wash-up Snookie. It gives me energy and practicing orgasm makes me even better in bed with my boyfriend. You should try getting laid Stephenson, it’s really fun and might lighten you up a little. It’s people like you with such pent-up sexual tension and hatred that do awful things to this country. Us, the youth not corrupted by close-minded bigots like you, are the only hope for our nation. People like you Stephenson are the reason why people in other countries hate America.
P.S. Pookie’s orange from tanning beds you idiot, not oversized dildos.
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LOL Is this site for real? Or is this supposed to be a parody?
I would love to see the credentials of “Dr. Louisa Phillips, DHg”. A quick google search, surprise, turns up nothing.
They sure as hell nailed Russel Brand though, didn’t they? That guy probably jerks off 20 times a day.
Matt Damon, however…my brother went to school with him. Apparently he jerks off constantly, and so much so that it’s even an open joke amongst his friends. In fact, he tries to set “new personal records” for himself on how many times he can nut in a day.
That was 20 years ago of course, I’m sure he’s just like the rest of us now in his old age, and only rubs one out twice a day.
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Listen folks, that is a complete lie written by someone who dislikes Matt Damon. I know for a fact that he is a good man so stop the character assassination. I find your childish antics really unbecoming.
Hot debate. What do you think?
4 
44
You want him don’t you? Your over zealous defence of his ‘honour’ has ‘gay christian desire’ written all over it. Go on, put the repression to one side and step out of the closet. You’ll feel so much better for it.
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Hey guys,
I masturbate all the time. I also love guys. Hung guys. Write to me at Stephenson@Christwire.org
Also, I’m one handed typing this as I furiously fap to some porn.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Someday, I’m going to sniff my son’s bed and exclaim, “THIS SMELLS LIKE SEMEN!”
Then, I’m going to take a picture of the face he makes and frame it.
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1
I apologise if this has already been stated in the comments but I got bored of reading the comments halfway through. Regardless of the other gross falacies in this article, I find it important to correct the statement that masturbation can lead to prostate cancer and yeast infections in women. Being a medical proffesional myself, I can assure that masturbation does not cause prostate cancer (in fact regular ejaculation is beneficial to the prostate and has been shown to reduce the incidence of prostate cancer). Yeast infections in women, due to masturbation, is also at best very unlikely, as yeast infections are usually due to pH imbalance.
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Not only is masturbation a major sin in the eyes of our Lord Jesus Christ, this article is quite clear that it is deadly for teens:
http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2009-01/drop-sock-masturbation-may-cause-cancer
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Hah, too bad for the boys then!
But seriously, that article indicates that there MIGHT be a link.
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