In a Stunning About-Face, Gays Fight to Save Dr. Rekers’ Luggage Lifter Jo-Vanni from Liberal Media Bias
The dogs of the liberal media are a vicious bunch, quick on the scent of fresh blood and never reluctant to tear the innocent to shreds. In recent days we have seen them in action, gearing up to take down one of America’s finest gentlemen, our paragon of Christian values in the fight against the homosexual agenda, Dr. George Alan Rekers. Now they’ve turned their eyes on his loyal luggage lifter, the sublime Jo-vanni Roman.
Tabloid rags like The National Enquirer and The Daily Mail have lined up to rip into this young man who only wanted to assist our able scientist on a sunny getaway so essential to his precarious health (hernias!). Yes, this young Jo-vanni is a hero in many a circle for his talented ways and discretion, his cheerful good looks and ready smile. If only every good Christian leader had such a versatile assistant!
Does the liberal media want to educate the public about the ecclesiastical history of old Europe that Dr. Rekers and Jo-vanni explored as they went from church to church while on their getaway? No, they’d rather focus on the nightly rubdowns, so important for an older man to keep circulation at optimal levels. But it gets even worse, blogs like Unzipped and The Miami New Times have been truly giddy diving into all sorts of obscene sex speculations that have put this gentle child, this noble boy of future faith at risk, physically, financially and morally.
Now rumor monsters are suggesting the good Baptist minister has a second secret rent boy. Chaz Chazonator, an ex-porn star has penned a little blog post about his supposedly oily experience with Professor George. In a lengthy description entitled, “I am the original Rekers Rent Boy!!!!”, he states, “By the time I was finished, there wasn’t a single part of his body that my hands had not touched. He wanted a light tickling of his skin, just barely touching his skin, as I glided my fingers up and down his spine, all the way into his crack. He shivered with pleasure with every stroke.” But this sounds implausible and unlikely to me as it happened before the doctor’s hernia problems. Hopefully, it’s just another weird, racist attempt to destroy Christian-Americans that won’t make it into the national media.
After a few painful days of media lies and character assassination, a few homosexuals out there like Joe Jervis have thankfully and surprisingly admitted the errors of their ways and are now working together to support our favorite son of Miami, Jo-vanni! They are advising Jo-vanni to avoid certain media interactions. They’re seeking qualified legal representation so that both he and Dr. Rekers cannot be arrested or sued for any odd intimate occurrences. They have even sent one blessed priest named Father Tony Lauderdale his way for counseling. I wholeheartedly concur with these efforts and hope they stand as a model of what good, decent Americans (even if they are suffering from homosexuality) can do in a time of international crisis. By all means, show your support for this young man. Send him your love and maybe your money, get him lawyers and educational advice, show him that he does not need to sell the lurid details of the “long stroke” to the media for a quick buck. Dr. Rekers’ research curing “unwanted homosexuality” is just too important.
SHOCK AND SHAME
On the other side, I am truly shocked and ashamed of my brothers in the Christian Evangelical community. You have shown such despicable weakness and apathy! The Family Resource Council erased each and every mention of Dr. Rekers from their website like an incontinent dog guilty about a stinky mess on the carpet. Tony Perkins, the president of FRC, even pretended he had never heard George’s name before! This is pathetic, Tony! Do you know nothing of Jesus Christ’s teachings on forgiveness? This is a terrible precedent for when the next scandal comes down the pipe, whether it be a rapist priest, a hypocrite university leader, an anti-gay researcher or a rapist priest. If you truly believed in curing the homosexual lifestyle choice, you would gather Dr. Rekers up to your luxurious bosom and weep with him! Instead, you deny like Bill Clinton. And where is Dr. James Dobson? You counseled a father to “take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.” Don’t you feel the least bit responsible for your dear, dear friend, Dr. Dobson? I trusted you, man, and you betrayed me with a stony silence.
The University of South Carolina is equally pathetic and weak, impotent and nonsensical. Many of your professors have had criminal and sex scandals, USC, yet in this case it took you only a day to delete Dr. Rekers from your website! What sort of bastion of intellectual righteousness is this that runs from the smallest whiff of controversy? Are you people not the same fighters who stood up against Abraham Lincoln’s attempts to steal states’ rights? Is a few blog posts too much for you? If you fired every professor who hired a hooker or every student who shot up steroids, there would be no one left on your gorgeous campus. Chivalry and loyalty are no longer Southern values if we read your slimy playbook.
Bill McCollum, Attorney General of Florida, you were wise when you handed $156,000 in taxpayer money to Dr. Rekers for his work, and yet where are you now? A lawyer and a politician should stand up for the idea of being innocent until proven guilty. You shared a bed with Dr. Rekers and paid dearly for the thrilling experience, yet now you’ve locked yourself in the shower, scrubbing yourself raw with a bar of amnesia. Stand up for your man, Bill! Don’t let the gays intimidate you! You’ve done everything in your power to fight their insane attempts to adopt, and this little media story makes you hide in fear? I am shocked at how weak you have become. And why haven’t you done anything about that homosexual governor of yours, Charlie Crist? His fake tan must violate some solar energy law.
NARTH, the National Association for Research & Treatment of Homosexuality, is the only organization besides Christwire to voice their support of Dr. Rekers. They have not erased him from their lives just yet. They even issued a small statement saying they still love the man. But does it go far enough? What if Dr. Rekers admitted he is homosexual, would that refute his research? Would that invalidate his testimonies against gay adoptions? They need to be proactive here. NARTH needs to state clearly that while homosexuals cannot adopt, they can still write books about homosexuals not adopting, even if those authors are having secret gay sex and adopting on the side. In fact, it’s Dr. Rekers close experience with the homosexual lifestyle that makes him an even greater expert! Just look at how homosexuality destroyed his life. If that is not a great example of the horrific danger of same-sex experience, then I don’t know what is!
To reiterate my points, I am surprised that the gay community has made the right decision here to protect luggage lifting Jo-vanni from dangerous liberal media exploitation. By all means, support the boy and let’s not dwell on any sweaty sexual details. I really prefer not to know what parts of Dr. Rekers’ body were aching and needed extra oil and deep pressure. On the flip side, the Christian community is appearing desperately deflated, flaccid in the face of a firestorm, limp in the limelight. This could be a great time to be out and loud about exactly how homosexuality is destroying families and reputations, just look at what being gay did to Dr. Rekers!