Gay Agenda in Vicious College Catfight, Michigan Attorney General’s Office Investigates
Andrew Leo Shirvell is a hero’s hero, a brawny and ambitious man with expressive eyes and the buzz cut of someone who relishes military precision. Exemplifying the true rewards for love of God and Country, this compassionate Christian went from being a humble student at the University of Michigan to a widely respected graduate of the Ave Maria School of Law in Naples, Florida to his current job as Deputy Attorney General for the great state of Michigan.
As Deputy Attorney General, he is now wrestling with one of the most pressing cultural issues of the day: the growing presence of homosexuality on college campuses. Mr. Shrivell has made it his personal crusade to cleanse the University of Michigan and its Student Body President Chris Armstrong of their worst sexual sins. He started a blog to investigate the nonstop gay orgies at his alma mater, orgies where the young men of America’s heartland strip down in a heartbeat to show off their blossoming bodies. Like Mr. Shrivell, many will imagine the worst types of moral offences happening at these gatherings– techno music pounding luxuriously in the background as muscled undergrads rub into each other at a frantic pace, all sense of their parent’s love and the faith that guided them through high school thrown out the window for a few seconds of sweat-drenched passion in a cramped dorm room, forever destroying any hope they may have had to become successes in the lives, successes like Deputy Attorney General Andrew Shrivell.
But now our hero is facing his greatest challenge. Deputy Shrivell has been hit with severe criticism for heartfelt statements on his blog and in live news reports about U Mich’s Student Body President. Andrew called that young student a “Nazi-like” “viciously militant homosexual activist” who is “Satan’s representative on the Student Assembly.” Shrivell has done this not just once, but many times over. In fact, his entire blog is dedicated to college homosexuality. It shall come as no surprise that the liberal media has taken up the case and is siding with the gay agenda and repression on this one. Calling Shrivell’s statements “cyber bullying,” many leftwing legal analysts say that his acts are a violation of the anti-bullying laws of Michigan, laws that his boss Attorney General Mike Cox has so blindly embraced and that Shrivell is legally bound to enforce.
Even more outrageous, some have openly pondered whether Deputy Shrivell has a secret gay crush on the undergrad Chris Armstrong. They point to the fact that he has shown up outside of the young student’s house several times and has even followed him to university events, suggesting that Shrivell is being driven by insatiable homoerotic fantasies to stalk the fresh-faced boy. There are even bloggers out there who suspect that the 30-year old single man is actually a closeted pedophile who secretly trolls the internet for nubile college boys just back from sports practice and reeking of youthful brine. They will say he is fighting against his own terrible personal urges, stuffing his lust for male flesh so deep inside that it leaks out in his painful winces whenever the subject of all-male intercourse comes up. They will argue that even though he lists “Finding the Right Lady” and “The Chatechism of the Catholic Church” as activities on his Facebook page, he also expresses a love for a classic threesome of notoriously homosexual interests: “The Simpsons,” “Weight Training” and “The Madness of King George” (starring openly gay actor Rupert Everett).
The salty sodomites over at the blog Queerty have gone even further, stating:
“Now who else, after watching this video of Shirvell speak, thinks there’s about to be a leak about a certain assistant attorney general enjoying the company of men? Because my gaydar is about to need a repairman it’s beeping so loudly. In my wildest scandal dreams, me thinks maybe Mr. Shirvell and Mr. Armstrong had a lover’s quarrel? Or fought over the some freshman twink? Or something equally salacious?” –Ryan Tedder, “Why Is Michigan AG Andrew Shirvell Cyber Bullying Gay College Student Prez Chris Armstrong?”
Sadly, no one is brave enough to stand up for the Constitution in this awful contest. Christians have as much a right to Freedom of Speech as any other group of Americans. Deputy Shrivell knows this. In fact, he has made a career out of vocally promoting Evangelical values in his home state. As a strapping undergrad at the University of Michigan, he was president of Students for Life, a pro-life campus group. In 2004, he protested the voter registration efforts of abortion advocates. In 2005, he had his church boycott a pizzeria for displaying a rainbow flag on its door. He later joined the conservative blog, Right Michigan, penning such inspiring columns as “Michigan’s Unborn African-American Babies Cry-Out for Justice” and “Like Pharaoh, Pro-Partial-Birth-Abortion Gov. Jennifer Granholm Has a Heart of Stone.” In 2008, he issued a statement celebrating the departure of Sean Kosofsky, former policy director for gay-rights nonprofit Triangle Foundation, from the state of Michigan. Shrivell has slammed the homosexual group Log Cabin Republicans, personally emailing them to say, “You are all sick freaks!” Earlier this year, he joined Reverend Fred Phelp’s Westboro Baptist Church to protest a homosexual play about murder entitled, “The Laramie Project,” earning the moniker “the anti-gay heckler” in the liberal press.
Where is the support for this hero? The conservative press has been criminally silent on this whole dilemma and for that I say, Shame on you! You have turned your backs on one of our most promising and virile young faith crusaders, a man who has the tech skills and the political fortitude to jump right in to the grimy homosexual ground battle for our children’s futures. Deputy Attorney General Andrew Leo Shirvell is a man who is not afraid to wrestle gay men to the ground no matter where they are. From America’s spicy pizzerias to its outrageous college campuses, this is a man who will prowl endlessly for homosexuals and surely knows what to do when he finds them!