Going to Hell in a Google Search
By: Sidney Oliver Nymm
The other day I was scouring the World Wide Web for the latest breaking news on Jesus Christ. As you should know, Jesus Christ is the central figure of Christianity. He is also the central figure in my life and on my crucifix necklace.
As I was Googling his name, I was shocked to learn that Jesus Christ is not the central figure in most Google searches.
As I began my search, I wittingly typed the letter J – the first letter of Jesus Christ’s name – into the blank Google search box on my computer. As I did, “jimmy johns,” “jersey shore,” and 8 other “popular” people, places and things popped up. To my great dismay, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, was not in the top ten.
At that very moment, I realized that society is headed for disaster without effort and in great haste.
I mean, sure Jimmy John’s has over 1,000 locations and has fed millions of people delicious gourmet sandwiches. And sure it seems like a miraculous event when the delivery guy shows up just minutes after you placed your order.
But Jesus Christ is the one true miracle worker. He is the original Jimmy John’s delivery guy. The man once fed 5,000 people with only a few loaves of bread and fish.
And don’t get me started on Jersey Shore. Jesus Christ’s abs were the original “situation.”
As I tentatively typed an e into the search box, “jenn sterger,” “jessi slaughter,” and 8 other “popular” items popped up. Again, Jesus Christ was not in the top ten.
I thought to myself, who in Jesus Christ’s name are Jenn Sterger and Jessi Slaughter?
As it turns out, Jenn Sterger is the former New York Jets’ sideline reporter who may have received voice and text messages from former New York Jets’ quaterback Brett Favre. The text messages allegedly included pictures of Brett Favre’s penis.
Learn more here:
I understand the infatuation with Brett Favre. The man is the anti-Christ. But what is it about this Jenn Sterger woman that is so arousing?
It’s not like her shirt says J-E-S-U-S.
And then there’s Jessi Slaughter. She is the 11-year-old Florida girl who has become a web sensation because of her webcam confessions.
Instead of confessing to her webcam that she’s “perfect in every way,” Ms. Slaughter should be in a confessional begging Jesus Christ for forgiveness for her profanity-laced videos.
As for the thousands of people laughing at her dad, Gene Leonhardt (World’s Greatest Dad Runner-up 2009), for his performance in this video:
You should be at home doing Our Fathers. In the words of Mr. Leonhardt, you “bunch of lying, no good punks” should be reported to the “cyber police and the state police.”
How dare you Google search Jessi Slaughter more often than Jesus Christ? It’s as if Jessi Slaughter has popped a GLOCK in your mouths and made brain slushies.
As I irresolutely added an s to my search, “jesus” finally popped up. Of course, he popped up behind “jesse james” and “jessica simpson” and just ahead of “jessie lunderby.”
Are you kidding me?
What in God’s name is wrong with you Google users?
Jesus was stripped, flogged, mocked, crowned with thorns, and crucified all before dying for our sins and he barely beats out Jessie Lunderby.
All this 21-year-old Arkansas jailer ever did was pose nude for a Playboy website.
Seriously, what does this girl have that Jesus Christ doesn’t?
After my eye-opening Google search for Jesus Christ, I then decided to Google the world “Hell.” You know, the place of suffering and punishment in the afterlife. After all, based on society’s Google search habits, that’s where most people are going.
What did I learn when I typed in H-e-l-l?
More people are interested in Hell’s Kitchen and Hello Kitty than the fiery and painful place where they will spend eternity.
All I can say to society is this: Enjoy hell.
Oh, and when you get there, say hello to Brett Favre for me.