National News Review Nov 26, 2010
1 The national debate continues in regard to people’s fear of ornamentals because they think they have hepatitis from eating raw fish, noodles and watching MTV. The National Asian Society of America (NASA) continues to dispel this rumor stating that the yellow hue of their skin is a natural characteristic as are the squint little eyes. According to CNN (Communist News Network) and ABC, (Always Been Communist) have reportedly found flaws in this statement. They claim that the consumption of noodles and raw fish has no bearing on hepatitis. These stations continue to follow up the story that hepatitis played a big part of recruitment of Kamikaze pilots in World War ll. According to confidential sources, young Japanese (Ornamentals) were told by the Japanese government that they had hepatitis and only had a sort time to live anyway so why not die in glory for the emperor. An additional TARP funded study is expected to be funded to determine if there is any link between ornamentals and the yellow fin tuna specifically did the ornamentals cause the tuna to be yellow when it should have been American Indian red.
2 TSA officials report that they prevented a potential airline bombing today similar to the shoe bomber, Richard Reed aka “Dick Weed”. TSA officials found 2 pieces of flint and a zip lock baggie in the turban of Abulshitta Talibanha who was attempting to board American Comrade Airline’s flight nonstop 666 from Bombay Beach, Ca to Yuma, Az. The potential terrorist confessed after water lumbering that he had consumed 4 Del Taco bean burritos; he planned to then fart into the zip lock baggie and ignite the fart with the flint. He shouted out in anger as he was being taken away, jihad in the name of Alabama.
3 A black gay rights group protested in Washington today for the repeal of the military “Don’t axe, don’t tell” policy. The group claims that the presidential half brother should support their cause in the name of progress. The Alabama KKK counter protested offering the gay group free one way boat tickets to Africa to further pursue their cause in the name of justice.
4 The continued escalation of AIDs in Kenya despite education and other measures has led to a worldwide study to determine why this epidemic continues especially with the hundreds of millions of dollars poured into the program to prevent the spread of AIDS. The result of the study has determined that the person in charge of sending supplies to Kenya to combat AIDS is Puerto Rican. This Puerto Rican works for the International AIDSs Organization and has a major language problem. He sent hundreds of millions of dollars in AIDS literature to Kenya printed in Spanish and 300 million condiments including but not limited to mustard and ketchup.
5 The NAACP denied claims today that drinking grape Kool Aid causes an increase in black male sickle cell anemia.
6 After months of investigation the NSA has released their final report on the encrypted message transmissions between Taliban forces. The transmissions originated from Al Queda leader Osama Bin Laden, he states that if the US wants peace they should front the Taliban some of the unspent 800 billion left in undistributed TARP funds. He says that the funds are a waste of money anyhow so why does it matter who gets the money. He said if everyone had a TV, air conditioning and new camel in their cave they would be content and there would be no more Jihad. The Taliban leader additionally stated that they would build a Mc Donald’s and Hooters on every sandune. Reportedly Bin Laden quoted “Send the money and we will forget the Allah be praised crap”.