• ChristWire’s 2010 Top Criminals Of The Year

    December 7, 2010 1:43 pm 46 comments

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    Author:

    Abe

    As 2010 winds to a close, it is a good time to reflect over the highs and lows of the year.

    America definitely met with its lows. We had a first entire year with a non-Christian in the White House, and we can see we are no better off than a third-world Muslim sand pit. However, the House has been cleared of all Democrat pit vipers before year’s end, so all is not lost.

    And so goes life. Highs and lows, ups and downs. Perhaps there are no people who better understand this life lesson more so than criminals. For some reason or other, be it genetics or circumstance, some people just always find themselves on the wrong side of the law.

    The upside, sometimes they can provide us great insight and a chuckle. It is my pleasure to present our annual Criminals of the Year, for various crimes and features. They are in no particular order. Let’s hit it.

    Th

    • 1. Most Enthusiastic

      How shocking that at number one, we have a man dressed like a woman for “Mr. Enthusiastic!”.

      It is no secret that gays tend to have more energy than normal men.  This is because that one, gays inherit their mitochondria from their mothers.

      Gay men have difference in there cellular alleles that make them favor their mothers more than their fathers.  The mitochondria gives them the energy and interests of a woman, which is why you see this man probably takes pride in his long hair, effeminate smile and both ears looped with silver fashion earrings.

      I’m sure Bubba at the prison will be happy to see Sally Jane here strolling in.  Gays are also more energetic because they tend to find easy jobs like nursing or reception secretary, so they have time to think of their little snarky jokes and fecal orifices all day, which probably is what got this little sprite in trouble with the law.

    • 2. Thickest Neck

      There is a term in Georgia we have for stubborn people, and that is “Stiffneck”.  Stiffnecks sort of move around like Michael Keaton in the first Batman movie.  They are muscular but because they have so many steroid induced muscles in the head and neck, their upper body moves very stiffly as one.  They must turn their entire upper bodies to just peak over their shoulders.

      This stiffneck looks like he may be subdued with some Mexican genes as well, from the think eyebrows and puckered lips.  You can also see he is only 5’6″ eye level, which is tall for a Mexican but this one looks of mixed ancestry.

      Hopefully his neck is double strong as it is wide, for he’ll need it where he’s going when all the black perps decide they want to take El Ponyhorsie for a ride.

    • 3. Most Political

      Wiccan are witches who dress in emo style clothing. They do blood rituals and if you’ve ever seen teenagers standing outside of a Twilight movie, with their faces painted as clowns and drinking something called Faygo (a play of Gay/Fag-0, a homosexual juice) you’ve seen the modern wiccans.

      Wiccans are very Satanic and even responsible for the respreading of diseases such as rabies and hunta virus.  They bite rodents and bats in rituals and there is a rumor that Ozzy Osborn is also one of these dark Satanists.

      As you can see from this otherwise normal looking man, anyone can be one.  Luckily, the cops knew to look out for this one because he permanently identified himself as a Wiccan with the body tattoos (Wiccans tend to rebel against order by being Vegans and also occult signs), though most Wiccans are demonic and hide themselves in with normal people like Vietnam Charlies.

    • 4. Best Cap (Male)

      This normal man is under a black influence.  From his age, he looks sixty but really is probably only in his thirties, meaning he grew up a rebellious white teenager in the 1980s listening to thug rappers such as Prince, The Sugar Hill Gang (several founding members of the notorious modern gang the Los Angeles Crisps) and a raw Will Smith when he was a gang member as well.

      You can see the music inspired him to do drugs and wear juiced caps on his heads.  In the 80s, blacks wore shower caps in their hair to hold in ‘hair juice’ which made their hair have shine upon the inherently, kinked afro textures.

      You can also tell it was 80s black influence from the Puma jump suit this proselyte thug is wearing.  Unfortunately for him, that pink shower cap is going to make him a prime target for several Satan torpedoes when prison shower time comes around, and there is no secret that in prison they tend to always put one in ‘the hole’.

    • 5. Best Cap (Female)

      This black grandmother sold crack cocaine.  You can read the full story here.

      Even though this old lady wears the clothing of a proper grandmother and wears the aged skin of a grandmother, we can see that at her roots her innate desire to sell drugs could not be conquered by 87 years worth of wisdom and grace.

      It is really scary when you think of all the black gang members in jail right now, or even worse the Mexicans of how when they reach an old age and you think they can be trusted, you see it is not truly the case.

    • 6. Most Theatrical

      Thespian is a fancy way of saying ‘gay actor’.  They use the word “thespian” to get away with publicly doing sashays, gay Shakespearean lisps in pentameter and sonneting other men in the bum shavvy.

      Here we see dramatic poses from this perpetrator and stage mascara around the eyes, to give him a fleeting Spaniard look.

      These features are not going to serve him well in jail, but rather get him more stage presence then he’d ever wanted.

    • 7. Best Duo

      I’m sure this is not the dream our inspirational leader Martin Luther King Jr. had in mind when he dreamt of the day little black children could be good citizens, just like little white children.

      Here we see they are under the influence of two homosexual comics, the “Batman” (where a grown man forces a boy to wear stockings and then ‘fight’ crime with him, returning to the ‘Bat Cave’ in a sweaty mess of bloodied leggings and seminal groin region musk) and then to the right the Spiderman (the story about a gay man with “Spider Powers” who binds enemies up in New York).

      You can guess who was the bad influence in this dynamic duo, but ultimately, comics are to blame for corrupting both of them and they are possibly boyfriend and girlfriend as well.

    • 8. Most Generous

      Haiti is a terrorist nation that sits 90 miles off the coast of Florida.  Despite trying to nuke us with Soviet wmds in the 1950s, these lowlifes had the audacity to beg us for mercy when God struck then down with a mighty hurricane for their third world sins and defiance unto American and democracy.

      This is a rare albino Haitian, who probably got caught as he sneaked into our country from a makeshift car boat.  You can see he has on his entitlement beggar shirt but it still did not keep him from the long arm of justice.

    • 9. Best Beard

      This is hands down the most interesting beard, somewhat the lovechild of a syncope plagued unicorn and ZZ Top.  If you look closely in the eyes, they are red tainted like a smoke drugs Mexican so maybe that was the crime that landed this one in the slammer.

    • 10. Most Creative Facial Expression

      You can see hand of Satan here.  The eyes are all white and the head grows red with the heated fury of hell’s lava itself.  It is maddening and notice he wears all black, so likely yet another moon Wiccan who has let Satan enter his body.

    • 11. Best Name

      This man’s name is apparently Joe Cool, a play on Cool Hand Luke.  At first glance you would think this was a normal man, but notice the lack of collar on the shirt, the dingy jeans and then the olive complexion to the skin.  It’s a best a Greek and more likely a mixed Mexican ancestry at play.

    • 12. Coolest Haircut

      Again, notice the red tint to the eyes and the defiant haircut.  When your children are rebelling and allowing Satan to fill their thoughts, the first thing to go is usually the hair.

      Just look at the little scamp Emma Watson.  She cut her hair like a boy after the Twilight movies turned her into a blood lesbian.  Then, there is also Justin Bieber who is now a member of the notorious street gang the Los Angeles Crisps.

    • 13. Most Confused

      Look into the cold eyes of sin.  This is a model criminal.  Long, greased Mexican hair, a Sancho bar moustache, drug laden eyes and the cold stare you only see in the crazed eyes of Obama and others under that devil influence.  This is just terrifying that people like this exist.

    • 14. Biggest Yankees Fan

      Well colored me surprise, an afro on the list.  This one has the standard tattoos and not even wearing a shirt, so his baby momma can be enticed to have more welfare kids perhaps.

      In the middle we have “NY” a gang sign for New York Yankees, who are far more evil than most gangs combined.

    • 15. Most Afraid

      This man is probably innocent and was the fall guy for some guidio Mafioso scheme.  It is a shame he got mixed in the wrong crowd and there is nothing more the sally jail inmates love more than kneading the dough of a little Pillsbury Dough boy.

    • 16. Worst Dad

      Notice there is also a spider tattoo on the arm.  It makes you wonder just how many Wiccans are present.

    • 17. Oldest

      This poor old man was caught stealing batteries from his local Walgreens.  More and more, our elderly have to result to stealing in this rough Obama economy.  Obama is slashing out Social Security and Medicare for the elderly, so he can line the Democratic line item agenda of arming the Iranians with nuclear weapons, Michelle’s lavish vacations and abortions for all worldwide.

      Obama probably laughs about all this and updates the jailing stats, since most old people are white due to a life of good, wholesome living paying off in better health from good nutrition and good choices.  This is evening out the crime rate of blacks and whites in jail, and it is a sick shame they are arresting good elderly people in unfortunate situations in this tough economy.

    • 18. Biggest Clown

      Here we have a Wiccan ICP clown.  There is a posse, or gang, known as the Fag-os and they also go by Insane Clown Posse.  These Wiccans have violent concerts where they force women to strip and have nude orgies and everyone gets fondled, then they do chants to the sound of at least one dozen loud and unsynchronized instruments.  You should just run away from these people and they also may call themselves jiggalows.

    • 19. Happiest

      This one in the Freddy Krueger shirts has a watermelon smile, so probably is still on some sort of drug rage and not realizing he’s in jail.

      Blacks are naturally very athletic and when they do hard drugs, it removes their pain perception so makes them a double threat.   It may have taken the cops three or four taser shots to bring down this impressive perp specimen.

      And he’s still smiling just like a black eating some delicious fried chicken and a side of sweet pies despite their sugar diabetes.

    • 20. Best Facial Tattoo

      On the neck and check of this illegal doer, you can see the lipsticks of likely a whorenanny.  Then the moustachioed portion is shaven and in its place the words “Ladies Love It”.  I’m not sure what this all means but I’m pretty sure I know all illegals just need to be boarded up and airdropped in Siberia in cold winter so they can get out of our country with their nonsense.

    • 21. Guiltiest

    • 22. Best Smile

    • 23. Second Best Smile

      You should not laugh, because when Obamacare first destroys all of the private healthcare companies and Obama then cuts you off the forced government insurance or more likely it crushes under its own weight, all of our mouths are going to look like this.

    • 24. Best Tan

    • 25. Best T-Shirt And Facial Expression Combination

      Black women sure have a smug, mean attitude don’t they?  I’m looking more into that very matter and in the meantime, look at how she smugly smiles at the cops and then wears her pride attitude shirt.

    • 26. Best Eyebrows (Male)

      Wiccan Juggalo devil worshipper.  Look at all the scary symbols upon the face and notice the Ba’al worship bull toward the scalp region.

    • 27. Best Eyebrows (Female)

    • 28. Coolest Crimped Hair

      When I was little, my sister had a Crimpin’ Suzy playset and it looks like this young man found one as well.

    • 29. Widest Face

      There was a story we covered a few months ago, where a lady was caught eating a stolen deli sandwich, and failed to wipe off the crumbs for her mugshot.

      This kid only left a few crumbs in his hair on the left side and upper lip, though then again I don’t think too many crumbs are usually missed for this one.

    • 30. Best Attitude

      On the side of the head, the word “Vida” which is Mexican for life.  You can see this one has also removed socks in potential attempts to elude la migra.

    • 31. Most Creative Facial Hair

    • 32. Best Ponytail

      I really wish I knew where to send the letter, as I would request they at least shave this poor sap’s hair before Tyrell and Antoine get any ideas of making him play Kristy the 80 Cheerleader.

    • 33. Reddest

      This looks more like a Kool-Aid job than naturally, so no telling what’s involved with this one.  There may be a tie because if you survey a panel of ten blacks, 9/10 of them will say they like “red” Koolaid flavor, which in their tongue red means cherry when you speak of Koolaid.

    • 34. Most Interesting Head

      With such a head on his shoulders I never thought he would have crime on the mind.   Pretty sad.

    • 35. Grossest

      This is just tasteless here.  You can see exposed saucer and it is wrong on a man or a women.  Then if that was not enough the milksacks of the whore demon tattoo is exposed with a apple fruit as well.  This is probably a tattoo of Eve right before she prostituted herself to Satan and ate of her fruits.

    • 36. Best Use Of Hands

      Again,why do black women have such attitudes.  Of all the criminals of the year, notice the only ones giving real attitudes are…a black women.  This is just standard and I’m going to do serious investigation into this one.

    • 37. Not Rick James

    • 38. Most Pimpin

      This picture you would think was on Facebook or done at Glamour Shots.  ”Pimpin” is the black word for “stylish” and it holds other connotations in their tongue as well.

    • 39. Best Internet-Related T-Shirt

    • 40. Sorriest

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    About The Author
    Abe If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack. Follow me on twitters. Poke me as your New Friend on Facebook!!

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