Christian Ritual for the Modern Woman

I am pleased to give you this article which was banned by the editors of the Ladies’ Monthly due to its religious content. Those heathens will get theirs when they are burning in hell.

Modern women can have trouble fitting their Christian traditions in with this ever busier, changing world. It is no longer socially acceptable to do simple things like say grace before meals, especially at work, and even saying bless you after someone sneezes can lead to a politically-charged conversation. Instead of causing a scene, or becoming standoffish towards other modern people, the modern woman must adapt if she is to survive in this social climate. Here are a few ways that you can fulfill your duties to God without looking like an old-fashioned nutjob.

1.Text-A-Prayer
Communication has evolved a lot since biblical times. Cell phones have given us dramatically increased capability for long distance communication. So what better way to pray to God than to send Him a text? You can pray anytime, anywhere, with privacy, and no one will question you. Just send your text messages directly to “God.” If the message gets returned, don’t worry, he got it.

2. Godcasts
Waking up the family early in the morning and dressing up in your Sunday best to go to church is a thing of the past. You can truly honor your Sabbath by sparing yourself and skipping it, but you don’t have to miss church altogether. Many churches offer live service broadcasts on television and the Internet. Simply point and click your way to honoring God. If you need a pick-me-up during the week, just save the podcast so you can listen to it at work.

3. E-Bibles
Lets face it, carrying around that 4-pound tome with gilded pages makes you look like your grandmother. Replace your paper bibles with electronic ones. Not only will it be lighter and easier to read, the word of God just looks a lot cooler on a Kindle. Plus, you can carry around several different versions of the Bible at once. No more storing several different translations in the back of your car for arguments with atheists.

4. Pew-less Churches
It used to be that the church was necessary for organization among Christians. No more. E-mail and Blogs have replaced the traditional church by fulfilling the communication needs of the Christian community. Instead of using resources to build churches, the energy can be spent on websites like ChristWire, which bring together the Christian community and provide an outlet for Christian ideas. Forget the vertigo-inducing high ceilings and expensive stained glass windows, and say hello to the future of Christianity… online!

Pictured: A modern Christian woman on a plane, openly praying before the flight. She obviously had not seen our advice. Way to scare the other passengers!http://www.theladiesmonthly.com/