Dear SUV Drivers,
I know that you’ve been cursed with smaller genitalia, hence your need to buy an outrageously large vehicle for no productive purpose other than making you feel bigger down below. That’s fine and well, do whatever your therapist says will help you feel better about your handicap.
There is a real problem that I and I’m sure many other sane people are having with you this winter: it’s pretty simple. When it is snowy and icy outside, stop driving your damn SUV so fast on the damned icy roads.
Yes, you love to be bold and brash because you have low self esteem. There are others of us, however, who worry about important things in life: insurance premiums, our families and not ending up a trauma motor vehicle collision victim in our local ER, because some asshole in an SUV decided to be manly and drive 60 miles per hour on black ice conditions because they have “four wheel drive”.
You daft idiots, let us review physics.
As you zip past with your four-wheel drive chariot and giving sensible people the finger, you’re missing out on a key fact: the only thing between you and being rammed by Satan in hell below are the contact points your tires are making with the ground.
We’ll even keep it simple. When you push your gas pedal, your vehicle accelerates. Your vehicle has mass. This creates a force that eventually needs to stop. There are two main things that can do that for you: the friction from the road surface and your burly SUV tires. Getting it yet, Cochise?
In fresh snow, you may just be lucky enough to have the contact patch of your four tires generate a large enough friction value with the ground that allows your vehicle to stop sliding. Guess what happens when it is icy?
You slide into the cars in front of you,filled with drivers opting to travel at sensible speeds. Sometimes you even spectacularly flip over again and again, forcing EMS workers to come out and pull you out of your compensation package with the sharp jaws of life.
You pea-brained sots, stop driving so damned fast. If you would take time to travel at reasonable speeds, with four points of braking mechanism exerting a friction force upon your tires, resulting in four true contact patches with a force of friction would actually make you the best braking vehicle on the road.
The problem is that you SUV drivers are forgetting the fact that in any sub-par road conditions, braking distance increases for everyone. This especially holds true when your big, gas-glugging pile of waste comes churning and chumbling along at 80mph, on ice, carrying you and your slack-jawed offspring and probably cases of speakeasy in the back.
At least everything will eventually be on ice!
Seriously, take time to think about others. Wherever you need to go, you’ll get there. You can get there in one piece and not put others in danger.
I like my life and you probably do as well. So let’s keep the roads safe by all travelling at slower speeds in the snow. On icy roads, keep it slow as if you had a two wheel drive. Why? Because friction will eventually be needed and if you’re going to fast, you are putting your life, my life and the life of your loved ones in jeopardy.
==Joe P Reagan=