Maggie Gallagher: One Woman’s Catholic Marriage Dilemma
The first thing you’ll probably want to know is that I was born in Oregon and that I had a beautiful Catholic childhood and all that Frank McCourt stuff about being an Irish-American, but that’s not really relevant to the story I wish to share today. In the first place, there isn’t space on all of Christwire for a full biography considering what I’ve been through and in the second place, my duties as founder of the National Organization for Marriage keep me incredibly busy. I get about two hemorrhages a day just trying to spread the simple truth shared by all human civilizations throughout history that marriage is between one man and one woman, despite what those crumby homosexuals say. Besides, I’ve already appeared everywhere from Fox to Limbaugh to talk about the long-term dangers of same-sex cohabitation and declining birthrates. I’ll just tell you about a few things that happened in my past and address some of the controversies that have been swirling around my marital relations and why I don’t wear a wedding ring and all that.
As a Yale grad and a Virgo, I’ve always been perspicacious. I used to plan out every stage of my life on little pink note cards with headings like “Marriage” and “Husband’s Career.” Of course there wasn’t one labeled “Homosexuals” back then. How shocked I would’ve been to know that some day secular bigots would try to sneak that nasty thing in ol’ Maggie’s deck! But I’m getting ahead of myself. I wanted to tell you about a crisis that happened over 20 years ago when one lousy heterosexual stormed through my life, shuffling my wonderful cards into a hot mess.
He had an adorably meaty face and a luminous mane like Larry Fortensky. Maybe that’s no coincidence since I considered myself a bit like Liz Taylor in those days. I had a delicious perm and usually accented my style with chunky earrings. It was Reagan’s 80s, what can I say? He told me his name was John and over the course of many bottles of Bartles & Jaymes Melon Splash at a corner table, he won my heart.
Later that evening, I made a terrible mistake I will never forget. I decided to give Maggie’s most precious and beautiful gift to that man. It all passed so quickly. John cleared the oil rags from the yellowed mattress in the back of his van. I nervously unclasped my favorite Vanity Far bra and he whispered in my ear, “Roll over on your tummy and I’ll tell you when I’m finished.” I could see the parking lot through the windshield, the crescent moon, and despite the college students vomiting chunks of calamari behind the dumpster, it seemed like the most romantic moment of my life. Lying there I thought of the promise before me; a wedding dress so enormous it would fill an entire page of the Yale Daily News, a fussy Victorian home in the suburbs, meatloafs dripping with ketchup and casseroles oozing cheese, glazed hams and potatoes stuffed with sour cream, all waiting for my husband to walk through the door after a long day at work.
What followed will be all too familiar to my women readers out there. John clapped his hands loudly and barked, “Done!” Before I could fully gain my wits, he had pushed me out the back door of the van. I walked into the dark, braless and dripping with his progenitive spray, believing all the while that he was right there behind me. It was only when I heard his engine start up and saw the lights as he pulled out onto that desolate country road did I realize he was gone. I thought to myself, “What would Liz do?” And with that I hitched up my skirt and wiped my parts clean with a greasy Burger King bag I found on the ground.
A few weeks later I received confirmation from my doctor that I was indeed with child. I returned to McMalley’s Ye Olde Irish Pub on a Tuesday Ladies Night and confronted the father to be. He denied even knowing me, stating that his name was Elton and that he’d sold his Chevy High Top months ago. So there you go Mr. John Elton, or whoever you are, I hope you’re happy with what you did to the beautiful flower that once was me.
William Donohue, the esteemed president of the Catholic League, has noted that our church does not have a pedophile problem, but rather a homosexual one. As someone who spent the next decade of my life navigating the Christian singles dating scene, I can attest to the truth of that statement. I worked my way through a lengthy list of scout leaders, choir members, wrestling coaches and congressional aides, all men whose mothers still held indomitable sway over their lives. I was rudely rejected at every turn. Desperate, I tried Slim Fast, Suzanne Somers’s Buttmaster, Sunday potlucks and a bad red dye job. Eventually I came to realize that the fault was not my own. Homosexuals had invaded the Catholic community and made it quantifiably more difficult for a vivacious single woman to find a husband up to the task of lifelong devotion. This crisis was particularly acute during the rise of Clintonian America, with political correctness tearing this nation apart and sexual abnormalcy gaining federal legitimacy. Deep inside, I simply ached for a real man, a man to feel all over every inch of my body, a man late at night in a moist marriage bed, a man surprising me from behind during my morning shower!
Homosexuality’s relentless destruction of traditional marriage deeply disturbed me. These are people who denied me my right to be a loving, procreative human being. They destroyed any chance I had to be a faithful Christian wife. They literally ripped all that from my womb! It was a horrific situation and it called for drastic measures. One day, I made a fateful decision: I would look outside my faith for a heterosexual.
As a life long supporter of the American experiment in democracy and freedom, I felt no guilt in marrying a Hindu. Yes, my husband Raman Srivastav is a Hindu, a man who wears turbans and worships about twelve dozen gods. These gods are the most fantastically silly creations, worse than anything in a Harry Potter book! And Raman, he gets on his knees before those cheap golden statues, with that little red pimple on his forehead, and starts moaning like you wouldn’t believe. Everything about my faith says that our marriage violates the most sacred tenets of the Bible and that Raman is an idolater who will burn in Hell for eternity with the very same homosexuals I have devoted my life to putting in their rightful place. But I still love this man and I am committed to introducing him to the healing power of Jesus Christ. I pray that he will convert before his soul is thrown irrevocably into the River Styx.
Fred Karger over at the Huffington Post and liberal activists like Donna Pandori, Pam Spaulding and Jeremy Hooper have harassed me for not wearing a wedding ring in public. The truth is that I have circulation problems and my fingers get so swelled I can barely open up a jar of delicious Dill pickles most mornings. Plus, the fabulous ring that Raman gave me is just so huge it sets off metal detectors at the courthouses and airports where I spend much of my days fighting for your rights! Your rights! So don’t give me a hard time about it. Do you people really think I’m slipping off my wedding band so I can pick up strange men at hotel bars and give them quick handjobs in rooms paid for with NOM money? You people have really filthy minds. I’m a Catholic for crying out loud!
As for the lack of pictures of Raman floating around, well I’ve resolved that with the photo above. I always thought Indians had a superstition that cameras stole their souls. Apparently, that’s the other kind of Indians. Who knew? So you can see he’s a terribly handsome man and I’m very lucky! I don’t think of myself as Liz Taylor anymore. Sometimes I dream that my hubby and me are living out the movie “Funny Girl,” minus the Jewish bits and the divorce part. He’s my Omar Sharif, with his sultry Orientalist looks and his fantastic bridge playing skills, and I’m Barbra Streisand, underestimated as a bitter, horse-faced nag who reeks of hypocrisy and failed femininity in the beginning, only to surprise everyone when I become the tearjerking phenomenon of traditional marriage in the vaudeville of American politics! God bless everyone!
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Maggie Gallagher
Maggie Gallagher is one of America's most beloved journalists. She is the former chairman of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM), which fights to protect traditional Christian morality from left wing radical homosexual activists.
10:32 pm
Maggie,
You are a national treasure!
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your reasoning for marrying a pagan Hindi. The spread of gay across our nation is testing our moral fiber, but will never rip us apart. I feel so sad for our young people that face limited supply of good Christian partners for solid Christian marriages. If we could cure the gay I think young people would stay married longer as well.
Thanks again for your engaging article.
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12:12 am
You cannot cure the gay. Sorry.
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10:38 pm
Maggie, what a brave story. Thank you for sharing.
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10:43 pm
This is such a inspiration to have you on our site! God Bless!
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5:50 pm
Hey Dad–Didn’t you used to have a Chevy Hi-Top van?
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11:16 pm
“Homosexuality’s relentless destruction of traditional marriage deeply disturbed me. These are people who denied me my right to be a loving, procreative human being. They destroyed any chance I had to be a faithful Christian wife. They literally ripped all that from my womb!”
Are you honestly blaming your marital and parental misfortunes on the Catholic excuse that homosexuals, not pedophiles, have infiltrated the church, rather than on your own foolishness decades ago and on the lousy straight man who knocked you up? Is that what you’re trying to do here? Not only are you REALLY grasping for straws with this, but you’re trying to place blame where it is most certainly not deserved.
“Yes, my husband Raman Srivastav is a Hindu, a man who wears turbans and worships about twelve dozen gods. These gods are the most fantastically silly creations, worse than anything in a Harry Potter book! And Raman, he gets on his knees before those cheap golden statues, with that little red pimple on his forehead, and starts moaning like you wouldn’t believe. Everything about my faith says that our marriage violates the most sacred tenets of the Bible and that Raman is an idolater who will burn in Hell for eternity with the very same homosexuals I have devoted my life to putting in their rightful place. But I still love this man and I am committed to introducing him to the healing power of Jesus Christ. I pray that he will convert before his soul is thrown irrevocably into the River Styx.”
Wow…does your husband know that you so easily insult him and his belief system? Have you ever considered your own beliefs and realized that they are just as ridiculous as his are? You can’t truly love someone if you think so negatively of their beliefs.
“Do you people really think I’m slipping off my wedding band so I can pick up strange men at hotel bars and give them quick handjobs in rooms paid for with NOM money? You people have really filthy minds. I’m a Catholic for crying out loud!”
Hey, you’re the one who was cheap and foolish enough to give her virginity to a man she’d met a half hour before in the back of his filthy van. So I wouldn’t put it past you to give anonymous men handjobs.
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11:49 pm
Clier,
I’ve read a few of your posts on this site and find you to be a little angry. I know if you had the love of a good Christian man it would make such a difference in your life.
Can I introduce you to my nephew? He likes cats.
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12:18 am
Claire is far better than your nephew deserves. No “good Christian man” would “cure” her of anything.
Besides, that is an ugly fellow if I ever saw one.
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12:29 am
You are very judgmental and oddly territorial.
To be so liberal, you sure want to tell everyone else how to live.
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12:39 am
You’re also very judgmental and oddly territorial.
To be so Christian, you sure want to tell everyone else how to live, and how they’re going to Hell.
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1:14 am
My nephew is the vice secretary of the greater tri-state cat fancier’s association and some say he looks like Clint Eastwood. I think his cooling waterfall demeanor and Claire’s fiery personality would be a great match. It could save Claire from Havisham spinsterhood. Who wants to live with a rat infested wedding cake?
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1:26 am
Clint Eastwood:
Your nephew looks nothing like Clint Eastwood.
Besides, if Claire doesn’t want to marry, then why should she? It’s her choice.
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1:17 am
Dear Claire and RD,
You are making Christianity seem like it is a terrible thing. You destoy the main idea of christianity which is loving everybody. Claire, have you even gone to a church? Because Christwire is not real Christianity. Just remember that the next time you make fun of Christianity.
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1:24 am
Answer:
I was raised in a Christian household. I, however, am agnostic, and my family respects that view. I know a number of Christians, and thus know that this site is a terrible, sad reflection of that faith.
I simply enjoy requesting that people back up their claims with facts before trying to present them as truth.
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1:38 am
What kind of Pecksniffian paradise must these socialist, gay love promoters and hate mongers seek to bring about with their rancorous, emotive displays?
We would live in blindness to the truth as one of their heroes is often quoted:
“The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived.”
Oscar Wilde
They want to be honored and admired for their choices, but have no tolerance for the views of others.
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6:14 am
Maggie, you are a beautiful human being.
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5:25 pm
She claims to be married to a foreign man. You hate foreign men. Thus, you hate him, and because you hate all of those who are associated with those you already hate, you must hate her. Ergo, you hate the woman who’s behind the NoM.
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6:52 am
Everything about that flower photo made me so hawnee! It reminded me of my crutsy cheesey vag. It made me pick the dried cottage cheese off my vag and eat it. MMmm.. I wanted to pick the dried vag juice off that flower. MMmm…
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4:51 pm
You are an odd little person who deserves to be locked up.
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5:14 pm
Same to you, you psychotic mother fucker.
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5:18 pm
I worry about you. I know we have differences of opinion but I feel like I’ve grown closer to you over these past months. Listen, sometimes you show some real aggression and anger and after what we saw in Tucson I have to wonder if maybe you need some genuine help, like the support of a community of faith or a medical professional. If you ever want to let your hair down and talk, just let me know and don’t forget despite everything I do love you buddy.
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5:29 pm
//I worry about you. I know we have differences of opinion but I feel like I’ve grown closer to you over these past months.//
Gay.
//Listen, sometimes you show some real aggression and anger and after what we saw in Tucson I have to wonder if maybe you need some genuine help, like the support of a community of faith or a medical professional.//
So you chalk the truth up as the words of a mad man? Do you even listen to yourself?
//If you ever want to let your hair down and talk, just let me know and don’t forget despite everything I do love you buddy.//
Let my hair down? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? And why the fuck would I want to talk to a man-child who does nothing but explode when he’s proven wrong and refuses to listen to the truth, instead making up bullshit, or running away, or ignoring the points entirely, and who makes false claims everywhere about everything? Explain to me just why you’re right, and without using the Bible. You can’t, can you?
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5:43 pm
I just wish you’d open your heart AND your mind!
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5:59 pm
Open up your head first and then we’ll talk.
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6:32 pm
Billings, how many times have we told you NOT to be a creeper? Are you purposely trying to get yourself thrown back in the slammer?
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7:35 pm
There’s nothing “creepy” about pure Christian affection.
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5:51 pm
Maggie, that was a great story. I came!
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1:44 pm
Really? I went out and bought a van and a mattress.
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9:03 pm
its me or I am the only one to see the satire in thise article
john elton (Elton John the singer)
also River styx is from Greek mythology not christian or Hindu for the matter
oh and also you have no right to convert him to your christianity because of your what we call again ah yes FIRST AMMENDMENT
also you are not the perfect exemple of the “pure christian woman” having sex in the back of the Van is not what I call Pure
also christianity is lying to us for Long time enough is time to strike back not By Lying to them but by revealing the Truth
also christianity doenst mean democracy stop living in an illusion
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9:06 pm
“There’s nothing “creepy” about pure Christian affection.”
Oh hell yes, there is! Especially when the Christian doing the creeping is a clown who takes young boys out into the wilderness. If I find your actions to be creepy, then you’re in no position to refute that.
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1:24 pm
Oh maggie, you poor thing, I feel so sorry for ya, I really do, if you where more like your savior, you would find the man of your dreams, so first thing you need to do is get on your knees and blow 12 men, then clean your dripping off their feet and have dinner with them, just before the other religious nuts of your day Nail your fat lumpy azz to a cross.
AMEN
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8:31 pm
reading this article i am now truly convinced that this is in fact a joke site.
oh, and maggie, if you are as christian/catholic as you said you are, why didn’t you get married to billings? i heard he’s single. but haaaayyyyle no. you had to go and import a husband.
maggie said:
Homosexuals had invaded the Catholic community and made it quantifiably more difficult for a vivacious single woman to find a husband up to the task of lifelong devotion.
well, if she met billings BEFORE she met her husband, then the sentence above is particularly revealing about….you guessed it! billings.
p.s. i wonder what happened to her child whom she got impregnated with in the back of the van. abortion? adoption? but aren’t those unchristian?
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7:27 pm
I have served as Mr. Srivastav’s luggage handler on several of his Bridge Tournaments, staying in his room and serving his meals to him, while also applying my skills as a massage therapist.
I can categorically state that he is not only real, but all Man, and an excellent tipper!
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8:54 pm
I love how your proof of your “husband” existing is a badly photoshopped picture. It’s amazing.
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10:27 pm
Oh my God, I was thinking the same thing myself! I’m pretty sure the real reason she doesn’t wear her wedding ring is because she’s actually not married…nice try Maggie, but owning 30 cats (as I’m sure you do) does not equate an ugly Hindu husband
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