• Why is Pet Turtle Masturbation One of the Internet’s Hottest New Trends?

    January 26, 2011 3:37 am 59 comments

    Pet Turtle Masturbation

    Popular American culture reveals much about who we are as a people. Sometimes our fascinations can lead to inspiring moments, such as the national movement to rescue homeless man Ted Williams once it was discovered that he had a beautiful singing voice. Other times, our obsessions shine a light on the darkest corners of our souls. Recently, a father expressed concern to me about the videos he found on his son’s computer. They were sexual, animalistic and graphic, yet they were freely available without parental warnings on Youtube.

    The films in question depict pet turtles in multiple acts of masturbation. On grassy lawns and in luxurious sand lot cages, they abuse abandoned human shoes in ways that most people would describe as rape. Did their upright masters drop these articles of footwear before their jaded terrapin eyes to tempt them, to prod them into an erotic peep shows the likes of which offend and outrage the moral amongst us? Are the turtles themselves aware of their audience, intentionally displaying their best techniques of savage love to satisfy owners and friends recording from behind a nearby bush? We may never know…


    As you watch in horror, these pets mount their prey with an insatiable determination. Sneakers and clogs shift out of their reach, yet again and again the hard-shelled heathens return to these acts, forcing their unwitting podiatristic concubines to submit to slimy reptilian investigations. Once clenched unapologetically in the throes of chelonian carnality, the turtle will lift his scaly face to the sky and roar, roar with a mighty barbaric cry of conquest, announcing to the world, “Climax will be achieved!”

    In the background of the Youtube scenes, young people are often heard laughing and cheering. They are thrilled to partake in the titillation of testudinal erections! The jolty camera action betrays their filmers’ shared excitement. The surprising “money shot” close-ups are the icing on the cake of their unrelenting depravity. Who are these people? What do they hope to gain by spreading this message online? Is there more than the perversion for profit motive here?

    The Bible reminds us to treat our bodies as temples, to cast out the evil temptations in our hearts. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body,” Corinthians 6:19-20 implores us. God also recognizes the threat that the animal kingdom poses to human lifestyles, encouraging us to hold dominion over the lesser creatures of this earth. Indeed, in Luke 16 we are told, “And he called him and said to him, ’What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your stewardship, for you can no longer be steward. He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous in much. You cannot serve both God and mammon.‘” We are to lead, not be lead by turtles.


    It’s a sad state of affairs that this turtle film trend passes for entertainment nowadays. As has been discussed before, this type of casual sexual activity is confusing for young people. They may be bothered or they may be physically excited. Whatever they are, they lack the moral foundation to understand what’s happening in their gentle, developing bodies. It may cause them to act out, to lash against the society that has labored so hard to protect them from the vilest aspects of the unethical kingdom.

    It’s almost a certainty that young people will be tempted to experiment with masturbation after watching such shows. Studies have long shown the connection between images seen by youths and their real life activities, most notably in the case of violent video games. Furthermore, they run the risk of introducing our children to illicit voyeurism. Teens and twentysomethings who watch these self-pleasuring pets may feel pressured into filming their own masturbation escapades with little fear of social ostracism. And in this morass of misinformation, is any Christian counterpoint offered? Of course not. The fact that the health and moral risks of emissionary addiction are absent from these films is offensive to all of us in the faith community.

    In an age when child pornography is seen as a legitimate art form on programs like MTV, maybe we shouldn’t be so shocked. Corporations have long embraced the profitability of pornography. Censorship has become a dirty word in our culture. Barack Obama has done little to slow this trend. Indeed, the president feels the need to discuss male on male sexual intercourse at every turn. This widespread abandonment of premarital chastity also fits into the liberal push to discredit traditional marriage. When one looks at these videos, they can be seen as yet another underhanded attack on the wisdom of our Christian forefathers. Ultimately, the liberal agenda shares much in common with the endpoint of turtle masturbation pornography.

    For the edification of responsible adults, below is a sampling of turtle gratification videos. I would encourage all of you with Youtube accounts to write in personally to corporate management expressing your pain and horror at the spread of this shocking epidemic of profanity. Remember, we must always be vigilant when it comes to the education of our most precious children. Warning: the first one has a shocking ending!







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    About The Author
    Stephenson Billings Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package! Facebook me here or Fanmail me: StephensonBillings@yahoo.com !

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