Ladies and Gentleman, we’re dealing with a crisis of unimaginable proportions. I seriously cannot even imagine it. Microsoft, the ones who brought us such fantastic products like the Zune, and Microsoft Flight Simulator, have now just come out with a doozy that threatens the safety of all Americans. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the Xbox Kinect. I know it seems harmless, but having used it I know that our entire way of life is now in trouble.
This seemingly joyful device gives a full body work out to anyone that uses it, and is perfect in training one to run, shoot, and destroy. What first got me terrified is that most gamers don’t want to get exercise and move around. They’re perfectly content on sitting on their lazy boy gaming chairs and playing Call of Duty: Black Ops without having to move anything but their thumbs and eyes. This is why it’s so popular. But now, in the hands of our enemies, it becomes a tool to bring America down.
My sources in the Middle East tell me that Xbox Kinects have been purchased by the truck loads, but cannot be tracked because the Middle East doesn’t have the internet yet. The terrorists are now geared to train in cave to kill us instead of running outside which is a prime spot for our drones to wipe them out.
Now, inside their cave living rooms they can train for hours. Day and night they will train using horrifying games such as, “Fantastic Pets” and “Get Fit with Mel B.” This will not stand. I will never use an Xbox 360 ever again because of this treasonous action by one of America’s biggest corporations.
Just look at how you start using the Kinect:
Is this how we want to start playing games, or is this how we want to celebrate after blowing something up?
The moment the Middle East gets internet is when the hell storm will really come down on us all. Terrorists will be able to train across the Xbox Live network. Imagine it: Al Qaeda training happening simultaneously over the internet, taunting regular players with their extremist views, and teabagging my character as practice for the real thing.
What can you do? There is nothing you can do. This is happening. Kinect is giving our greatest enemy one of their most useful tools. Soon their experience points will be the evidence of how hard they’re working at destroying all that we hold dear. Rise up to your local stores and protest these machines of Jihad. Refuse to have anything to do with stores that carry the Xbox Kinect. Go and buy a Wii, because it’s the only safe alternative.