Glenn, we love you, we really do. For conservatives like me, you’re that big warm friend who holds us close when the world seems to be spinning out of control. You’re the man with the words (words of devasting brilliance!) when the rest of us are too tongue-tied with rage to speak out. And even though we haven’t met, I consider you a peer and a friend and true a ray of light.
Please don’t take this as criticism and I’m saying it because I love you, but I’m very worried, Glenn. Things have gone too far. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Those other guys aren’t going to say anything. Take it from me, Bill O’Reilly is not your friend. He’s jealous that you’ve stolen his thunder. That Irishman is aging, his ratings are sliding and he needs someone to blame. It’s like when Fidel starting hating Che. As for Rush, well that bag of gas only cares about himself. He’s got his own billionaire fortress of conservatism down there in Palm Beach and won’t even let the rest of us bums eye the guard gate. A Christian newsman would practically have to rape a Congressman to get any play on his show (believe me, I’ve tried). Same with Hannity, and I like Sean, but he’s nowhere as bighearted as you. (And frankly, he’s a bit lowbrow for Fox News.)
So here it is, the big problem: I just don’t know if I can believe you anymore. You’ve warned us so many times to prepare for the end of America that the terror is starting to lose its punch. This is bad. The horror should stay fresh in our veins. We want to be scared, we want to be horrified. But we need a payout for all that emotional capital we’ve invested. It takes a lot of effort to ready ourselves for Armageddon. Yet you ring your alarm bells week after week and we see no blood on our soil. Deep inside we want to witness the end times. It will be the most beautiful vindication of our faith and patriotism. But my dedication to your message is being challenged when the biggest stories I see floating around have to do with Facebook’s IPO and Ricky Gervais’s antics at the Golden Globes. Even Egypt feels far away and America’s interest in protest montages is beginning to fade.
What is all your outrage about ultimately? Is there something happening at home? You cry in front of the cameras, you shriek like a hormonal woman. It’s unseemly and unpleasant! What’s going on in your life? Is it for show? Are you only crazy for the ratings? Do you really believe your hype? You jumped off the ship of sanity, now you’re drowning in waters of wackness. Honestly, you’re acting like a liberal. You’re the Republican party’s Rachel Maddow. Like that woman with her endless journalistic scandals, people are starting to doubt your credibility. Why, why, why??? All these conspiracies and outrages! What do you want from us? Do you need the money that badly? Or is it the attention?
It’s not just you. We’ve got Michele Bachmann acting like some jilted inner-city transvestite on Jerry Springer. Or Ann Coulter. She used to be comprehensible, but now she’s so desperate for attention she’d YouTube herself topless reading the Ten Commandants if she thought it budge the fetid corpse of her career. And with scourge of health care and TARP corruption– there are just so many solid arguments we could make against this socialist attempt to destroy our freedoms. But instead of being reasonable and suffocating our enemies with facts, you shriek and yell! That crazy chalkboard of yours, what’s with that? This is the technological age and you act like an aging hippie Vassar professor.
And you personally, Glenn, you’ve become the big media’s punching bag. “Wingnut,” “Crazy,” and “Crying”: why are these words always connected with your name these days? You’re making the rest of us conservatives look bad. We have careers and car payments, you know. You’re like the fat guy whose cannonball makes such a big splash that the little girls in the low end end up choking on pool water. I’m choking Glenn! Don’t you care about me?
I understand it’s hard to get our voices heard these days. We had a grand time under President Bush. He cared about tax cuts and winning wars and Christianity, but we’re in the upper decks now. Still, that’s no reason to paint you bare chest blue and scream like a drunken Polishman just because the Bears are down twelve points. It’s getting absurd. You say the Chinese are taking over New Zealand and the Soviets will invade the Netherlands. Sarah Palin isn’t even on board with all this. How in the world are you helping her and our party prepare for 2012? Ultimately people will want to see armies and missles, destruction and mayhem on the homefront.
The Republican Party used to represent the most stoic and charming of men. (You’re a very charming man yourself, by the way.) But could you imagine Dwight Eisenhower or Ronald Reagan bellowing in teary-eyed panic on a soundstage? It would have given the commies the signal they had been waiting for to invade us. Republicans don’t cry, they are simply epic. Whether fighting wars or spreading righteousness, they are epic! Even Richard Nixon, who had his share of democratic underminers, was the coolest of cucumbers. Dick knew a thing about self-control! Glenn, you’re starting to remind me of my 40-year old cousin Victor who is on medications and weeps at beer commercials. I have to leave the room when I see his face curl up at those stupid Budweiser Clydesdale ads.
I hate to say this, but Glenn you have the soft, puffy hands of a male masseuse. When was the last time you chopped wood or replaced a fan belt? We need to harden you up. It’s only going to get worse and we need your strength! So toughen up, big guy! Speak from your heart but take it like a real man. Please, Glenn, let us help you help yourself!