• 11 Christian Ways to Discipline a Whoring Woman (part II)

    March 7, 2011 11:30 am 21 comments

    Praying is always appropriate

    Discipline is part of being a disciple of Christ. You need to teach your woman what it means to be married to you so you both can grow in Christ’s love and your marriage can evolve into the sacrament it is meant to be. Discipline can be the “come to Jesus” you both need to refresh and revive your marriage, but can also address issues and cause even more problems if done incorrectly.

    For these 11 ways to discipline, not all of them are recommended for every situation. A man, as the spiritual leader of the home, must be particular about when and why discipline is needed. When a man is particular, it shows in the shining faces of his family.

    1. Screamin’ like a Banshee or Dancin’like a Gypsy – It’s really about choice

    For extreme situations, extreme emotions can rule the day. If your woman is fixin’ to whore, you might experience some anguish or dismay. Most men do, at first. Then the emotions kick in. Yelling and shouting may not win her back, but you might feel better.

    Consider dancing like a gypsy. You might whistle a little tune, happy as June bug, in front of her. It doesn’t matter that you are crying on the inside. Act happy for her. This is confusing for the woman. It’s like in that movie Jeremiah Johnson when he acts all crazy because it scares the Indians and they stop wanting to kill him and are simply curious. That is the reaction we are going for – make her wonder what is going to happen next. Women are naturally curious. Satan relied on it in the garden and you can too.

    Angry man or reasonable debate, choose wisely grasshopper.

    2. Reasoned Debate

    Okay, this one can be tricky. She will throw down every single thing you ever did and the time and day you did it. You need to remain calm and focused.

    Women typically have God given special gland attachments to their ovaries that allow them to accumulate discrete event data to be used in a fight or flight situation. You won’t learn this in college or trade school, but it is true. Ask any man. The good news is, the storage capacity of these ovarian attachments is not infinite.

    Because you are at a biological disadvantage, you need to be like a ninja – silent. Wait for the seemingly continuous flow of data to subside before entering the fray with your remarks. Keep your facial emotions under control by thinking about baseball, hunting or fishing until she stops talking – then strike with the Biblical submissive imperative for a wife.

    3. Stomping around like a Storm Cloud

    Depending on her disposition, stomping around the house like Chief Madcow can cause change in the whoring factor. If she has a speck of respect for your position as leader of the family, you might be able to jar her back from the brink of whoring. If she’s farther gone, you’ll end up looking like Chief Littlepecker and will have a harder time with some of the other methods of discipline. Use stomping and fit throwing to a minimum and only in cases where you control the outcome.

    4. Show Her Your Butt is the Blackest

    In certain areas of the south, the proud exclamation of “Who’s butt’s the blackest” is not a racial slur. It means literally, “Who is the Smartest?” or “Who is in Charge Here?” You foreigners reading this need to pay close attention and quit moving your mouth as you read. In coal mining and working man communities the supervisor will be the one that sits while the other men work. Hence the “boss” is the one with the blackest hind parts or dirtiest trousers. You need to show your woman that’s fixin’ to whore that you are the boss.

    Confiscate and hide all the toilet paper so she depends on you to get her a roll. Be kind and gracious when she asks and don’t tease. This will set you as giver and her as receiver of a rudimentary necessity.

    Mix compliments and critiques on the state of the home or her looks.The house looks tidy, but it seems you’ve overlooked a few things.” If she’s been on a physical fitness regime, which some women will do that are fixin’ to whore, let her know it is all for naught with a coyly phrased “I thought you said you lost weight?

    Saying prayers before meals is part of the man’s role as head of the Christian household. Include encouragement for your wife’s journey back from whoredom in your prayers before meals.

    Bless us O’ Lord
    And this food to our use
    And help [Fill in name here] become more loving
    And ever mindful of the wants and needs of her family
    Not just her own whoring ways.
    In Christ’s name we pray.

    5. Getting drunk on whiskey and passing out in the yard

    Aha! Fooled you! I don’t really encourage this as Christian men should never allow alcohol in the house or to stain their Godly nature. I do encourage getting high with Jesus. Read the Bible and let the Holy Ghost comfort you and your family in this time of need. Start a tradition of reading the Bible aloud with the family after supper if you don’t already.

    6. Cryin’ to her Momma

    You’ll need to schedule Sunday suppers with her Momma. Make sure you are spit shined and cleaned for the occasion. Do not directly say your woman is fixin’ to whore, but bring up some of the signs. Her mother will cast a stink-eye on any threat to access to the grandchildren so use this to your advantage.

    Make sure that any confidence you keep with her Momma is centered on the threat to access to the children and ensure the threat is directly related to your woman that is fixin’ to whore. Momma will be on your side because she is on God’s side. (see prayer under #4 for when Momma comes to dinner)

    7. Take the lug nuts off her car

    This is a strategy that should be employed when “fixin’” is in danger of being “done did”. If access to the object of whoring is impaired it will give her time to think and you time to use some of these helpful steps. If she has her own vehicle, you need to disable it. This is what Jesus would do.

    8. Make a contest out of who can Whore the most

    My good friend Maynard Ray had a woman that was fixin’ to whore while he was out of town on business. She groused and complained about being home alone with the kids, but never about the paycheck. He showed her whose butt’s the blackest by bringing her a Hooters t-shirt (two sizes too small) home as a “honey I miss you” gift. She straightened right up.

    It isn’t advisable to actually go out and whore yourself. You want to make sure that her Mother sees you as pure as God’s light. Go for actions that can be interpreted as fixin’ to whore, but not the act itself.

    There's always that one from High School that pines for your touch...

    9. Off Site Counseling with the Buddies

    Only go on off site counseling sessions with the buddies if YOU yourself come up with the idea. I know you grew up with them, but any one of them could be the one your woman is fixin’ to whore with. You need to treat them as hostile counsel and deeply evaluate any suggestions they may give you. Be aware your Bro’s could be the Ho’s Bro.

    One of your buddies could have hidden special panty powers like this young man in the video below. Just by the sound of his voice, a woman’s panties will drop to the floor and she will receive him into her moist tropical garden of sinful delights outside the boundaries of Christian marriage.

    Super Panty Powers, can avail any woman of her panties with the sound of his voice.

    10. Show her how much you love her by throwing out her stuff

    You need to keep her wardrobe to a minimum and ditch the skanky outfits. Talk with your pastor about the poor and how you would like to minster with a clothing drive for minimal donations to the church. Think how black your butt will be selling that little halter number to the poor for 25¢. Wearing your old work coveralls was good enough when she was big as a house pregnant with little Peyton, there’s no need to go changing things now.

    11. Shame and Embarrassment

    Shame and embarrassment go together like planting pumpkins next to the corn field. These are two great concepts that work well together. As Christians, the shame of Christ’s death and the original sin of the garden are powerful motivators. In today’s reality and atheist based television, some may have experienced an erosion of these forces for adherence to Christian values and mores. This just means you need to up the ante to be effective.

    First, a little reflection is required. What relationships outside the home really matter to your woman? Is she active in church and social groups? Consider a video prayer for healing of her whoring ways and ask other church members to form a chain of prayer protection by posting it as a devotional on the Church web site.
    Here’s a good video example that will have many praying for your marriage, but not blaming YOU if it doesn’t work out. Insert your own pictures of happy times together and some of your wife at her most whorifying for best impact.

    Signage is always popular; remember to keep your message succinct. “Tiffany Gayle is Fixin’ To Whore, Please Pray For Her” on the side of a barn facing a busy highway is always effective. Remember to use duck tape, not paint so you may remove it easily.

    “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs 31:10

    Good luck and prayers to any many facing the rigors of a whoring woman. For those cases where it doesn’t work, check out my advice on the subject of divorce and finding new love.


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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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