• 11 Signs Your Woman Is Fixin’ To Whore

    March 6, 2011 3:12 am 18 comments

    The following is an excerpt from Blanche Beecham’s collection of seminars on #womanstudies #cheaters #ChristianMen #Christianwomen #ChristianMarriage.

    For those not familiar with the colloquial term “fixin’” in the lexicon of the Southern United States, it can be defined as “intended preparation”. Note that fixin’ is not simply preparation or readiness. When the term is used by a Southerner it means a significant laser-focused intent is behind it. If a Southern woman is fixin’ to whore, you can bet the homestead it will happen if steps are not taken to recognize and correct the situation leading to the fixin’.

    1. The kids have lice and the house is filthy-dirty

    Maybe the kids are just disheveled, but the point is she’s taking shortcuts in the care of Bubba Lee and Peyton Lynn that are an embarrassment. The home, a man’s castle needs to be clean like his Momma would make it. If she doesn’t care or isn’t prepared for your Momma or even her Momma to come for a visit, you can bet trouble will be your next visitor.

    2. She’s Making A Lot of New Friends

    This is pretty obvious. It might be “facebook” friends, the most dangerous kind, that she is giving all her attention to. Or it just might be that new personal trainer down at Brenda’s Barbells and Bait off 25.

    3. Personal Grooming Improves

    Is she shaving her woman parts for sin or for your personal pleasure? Are her legs shaved at all times? Women will typically stop shaving their legs as often after the first year of marriage when the baby arrives. If she’s grooming, it’s for sinning not for you.

    4. She isn’t cleaning your guns properly

    Cleaning the guns is one of the main reasons men will marry a Southern gal. No one, except for a few up in Montana and North Dakota (Howdy, all y’all), can clean a gun as well as a Southern bred lady. If she hasn’t put a shine on your gun and hers have been spit shined, well it is time to re-evaluate the situation and get right with the Lord.

    5. She gets independent and engages in economic transactions without your permission

    I’m not talking about going to the grocery store or buying a vacuum cleaner. I mean economic transactions like getting a car in her name or selling the antique parked in the front yard with the tree growing through it without discussing it with YOU, the man of the house. Selling or trading livestock is not the lady of house’s place and that includes your bass boat, the four wheeler and your deer stand.

    Watch your property; she may be hoarding cash to take college or something like that

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    6. She’s Coveting things that show up at the house that you didn’t buy

    Is she receiving mysterious gifts? Where’d that necklace come from? Why does she have two cell phones? What is a Prada pocket book and what is she doing with one? You need to check these things out. A great way to keep in the loop is always stay on the good side of your mother in law and her sister. Be a confidant and encourage them to help you keep your Christian marriage intact.

    As a side note, some men will sin with the sister in law as retribution for a whoring wife. This results in sweaty sin-sack of relative humidity that you do not want. Your mother in law will have it out for you and it will not end well with three women after your hide to make lampshades.

    7. She’s not cooking anything special for you

    Is she dressing the deer you brought home? Is she making deer chili and cornbread at least twice a month in the winter? Does she make sure your favorites are hot and on the table when you get home from work?

    8. She Makes a Scene at Your Family Reunion

    This is a code red signal to you that she is fixin’ to whore. When your kin is assembled and she starts a fight with your sister over horse-shoes that ends in a potato salad meltdown and all the glamour and drama of those “housewives” shows – watch out. She’s disconnecting from your family and you are next.

    9. She Doesn’t Sit with You at Church

    This is another code red signal that should be addressed immediately. Even if you showered and shaved and didn’t wear camouflage and she still refuses to sit with you; your woman is fixin’ to whore.

    10. She’s too engrossed with Jesus for Sex

    Is she too busy praying for sex? Does she stay up reading the Bible rather than keeping you warm? This is trouble, friend.

    11. She talks smack and uses “I think” more than she should

    A lot of women say things that men will just tune out. Here’s one you need to pay attention to. If she’s saying “I think” it means she isn’t asking for your opinion.

    Nadine Didn't think Vasco was Home

    Here’s Why You Need to Do Something

    Some Pastors will advise men to take leadership charge of the household and see if things improve within a few days. This is a dangerous and ill-advised tactic with many Southern women. As true Christian women, they will ride a man’s ass to Bethlehem and make him wonder backways forwards.

    A southern raised Christian woman is a jewel to any home, a dutiful wife, and amiable lifelong companion as long as Christian values are followed. If a husband fails in his leadership duties, she will fall off the path because fouled logic of she is not Northern and her daddy taught her to never let a man get in the way of Christ’s purpose for her. Husbands must proceed with care and purposeful preparation. He has to be fixin’ a come to Jesus for his marriage.

    A Gentle Tap is NOT Recommended for Southern Women

    While in many cases, a gentle tap may be in order, it is not recommended for Southern women. I think the best way to illustrate this not with a good example, but a horrible warning.

    Jared James noticed his wife was fixin’ to whore. The house was filthy-dirty. He talked with his buddies who both had experienced the same issue with non-Southern wives from Ohio and Indiana. Buddy one said he came home and had a frank talk with his wife about the house and confronted her with it as a sign she was fixin’ to whore. He said he came home the next day a saw a little improvement. The following day he came home to his favorite supper and the whole house clean as a whistle. Buddy number two said he came home and told his wife he wanted the kitchen detailed, the clothes washed and ironed, walls washed and windows cleaned. He gave her a little tap to make his point clear. He didn’t see any improvement the first day or the second. The third day he saw miraculous improvement, ate a gourmet meal and his guns were cleaned.

    Jared James was completely inspired by his friends’ tales of success. He marched home to his Southern born and raised wife and let her know who was king of the castle. He decided a gentle tap was in order to make his points clear as crystal. The first day he didn’t see anything. The second day he still didn’t see anything. The third day the swelling was down on the left eye and he regained enough use in his arm to make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

    Here’s the deal, Christian Men, Southern women have Southern Daddys, and brothers and fourth cousins twice removed with hog farms to dispose of the bodies. Tread carefully here.

    Next Chapter – Discipline is Part of Being a Disciple; How to Discipline a Southern Woman and Not Get Kill’t.

    http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/65b_dating_list.html

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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