Welcome to the newest pool of salvation here on Christwire, Advice From Super Conservative Alex. If you have ever wondered if you are deviating from the Republican Party and the teachings of Reagan, then you are in the right place.
Every week I will be taking questions from good Americans and liberals alike, spreading the conservative word and giving you, the reader, an idea of how you can be a better American, Republican, and Christian.
Our first question today comes from John of Cedar Rapids, Iowa
“A homosexual couple moved in next door to my family a couple of weeks ago. We believe them to be harboring and/or aiding muslim terrorists. One of them has a foreign accent. The other is a black. We seen them at the supermarket buying ethnic foods. How can I thwart their terrorism?”
If you get in a pinch, a well placed kick to the sternum and karate chop across the Adam’s apple will be enough to do them in. If you have hound dogs, set them loose during the day. Also, beware of their dirty tricks; an innocent walk by your door could be masking a sinister attempt to spread AIDS to your property.
Since the real estate market is down, selling really isn’t an option. Conservatives and their money do not part well. You can, however, ask that your HOA ban gay people from flaunting themselves during daylight hours when children are playing outside. Lobbying your local city counsel to ban gay unions is another option. Finally, voting Republican seems to take care of them pretty fast as well.
“Alex, you are a total piece of shit. People like you make me ashamed to call myself Christian. I hope you never breed, because if you do the worl will be doomed. Please die. PS I voted for Obama.”
That little gem was brought to us by ‘jagfan1989′ from Jacksonville, Florida.
First, I agree. You should be ashamed to call yourself a Christian. Voting for Obama is akin to taking the mark of the beast. Thanks for hating freedom. I hope you enjoy God crushing your trailer park with a mighty hurricane.
Second, it’s ‘world’. Your welcome for the grammar lesson. You can make your check payable to Alex Keating…
This from Judy of upstate New York
“I am mother of three and concerned parent. I have recently noticed the pastor at my church speaking more and more liberally about gay marriage. Is it above the parishioners to admonish him in front of the flock? Or should I just start looking for another church?”
If your pastor is indeed fostering sin, it leaves you with little choice but to chide him in public. You should also immediately ask for your tithing back, as it will no doubt be used to further the homogay agenda rather than for God’s good Republican Conservative work.
Those seeking future advice from Super Conservative Alex may email it to me at AlexKKeating@yahoo.com, or write it on a chalk board and post a picture in the comment section.