Advice from Super Conservative Alex
Rough and rugged Reagan endorses this weeks column
Welcome to the newest pool of salvation here on Christwire, Advice From Super Conservative Alex. If you have ever wondered if you are deviating from the Republican Party and the teachings of Reagan, then you are in the right place.
Every week I will be taking questions from good Americans and liberals alike, spreading the conservative word and giving you, the reader, an idea of how you can be a better American, Republican, and Christian.
Our first question today comes from John of Cedar Rapids, Iowa
“A homosexual couple moved in next door to my family a couple of weeks ago. We believe them to be harboring and/or aiding muslim terrorists. One of them has a foreign accent. The other is a black. We seen them at the supermarket buying ethnic foods. How can I thwart their terrorism?”
If you get in a pinch, a well placed kick to the sternum and karate chop across the Adam’s apple will be enough to do them in. If you have hound dogs, set them loose during the day. Also, beware of their dirty tricks; an innocent walk by your door could be masking a sinister attempt to spread AIDS to your property.
Since the real estate market is down, selling really isn’t an option. Conservatives and their money do not part well. You can, however, ask that your HOA ban gay people from flaunting themselves during daylight hours when children are playing outside. Lobbying your local city counsel to ban gay unions is another option. Finally, voting Republican seems to take care of them pretty fast as well.
“Alex, you are a total piece of shit. People like you make me ashamed to call myself Christian. I hope you never breed, because if you do the worl will be doomed. Please die. PS I voted for Obama.”
That little gem was brought to us by ‘jagfan1989′ from Jacksonville, Florida.
First, I agree. You should be ashamed to call yourself a Christian. Voting for Obama is akin to taking the mark of the beast. Thanks for hating freedom. I hope you enjoy God crushing your trailer park with a mighty hurricane.
Second, it’s ‘world’. Your welcome for the grammar lesson. You can make your check payable to Alex Keating…
This from Judy of upstate New York
“I am mother of three and concerned parent. I have recently noticed the pastor at my church speaking more and more liberally about gay marriage. Is it above the parishioners to admonish him in front of the flock? Or should I just start looking for another church?”
If your pastor is indeed fostering sin, it leaves you with little choice but to chide him in public. You should also immediately ask for your tithing back, as it will no doubt be used to further the homogay agenda rather than for God’s good Republican Conservative work.
Those seeking future advice from Super Conservative Alex may email it to me at AlexKKeating@yahoo.com, or write it on a chalk board and post a picture in the comment section.
- Sinful
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- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Alex Keating
Alex K. Keating is a presidential hopeful currently seeking the Republican nomination. His likes include Fox News, Ronald Reagen , and exposing Communism. Fan mail can be sent to AlexKKeating@yahoo.com.
2:16 pm
Nice work Alex. This service you have also extended to the carnal is a true testament to your love for all. I hope to someday have your patience.
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2:19 pm
You do know that if Regan were alive today, the tea party would call him a socialist.
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2:29 pm
Not to mention that Reagan’s economic policies were nothing short of garbage. Trickle-down economics just don’t work.
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2:34 pm
Tell Donald Trump trickle down economics didn’t work.
Or are you liberals still scared to say his name?
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2:38 pm
Donald Trump is a joke.
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2:42 pm
A man who has $200 million of his own money to spend on a campaign is pretty serious, if you ask me.
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2:42 pm
Donald Trump is, as Raptor Jesus pointed out, a joke.
By the way, how’s that whole “job creation” thing going? I see states destroying their budgets by extending tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy, but no new jobs.
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6:31 pm
I’m not sure, RD, maybe you should ask Obama. He’s the guy with the ‘change’.
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7:20 pm
A joke? Remember this one?
“Also, Central Park is a proper noun. Capatalise it”
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7:25 pm
Except that, you see, it’s the Senate and the House of Representatives who create and pass the laws and bills. Obama has SOME authority, but he can’t make laws as he pleases.
The Republican candidates who were elected to Congress in the 2010 electoral season campaigned on the promise to “create more jobs”, on the idea that they were conservatives and therefore wanted a smaller, less-intrusive government. The Republicans elected to state Senates and as governors campaigned on the same promises. It’s the end of March, and I’ve yet to see ANY job creation legislation in ANY state, much less from Washington, DC. Rather, I see legislation to destroy unions, to limit a woman’s reproductive rights, to create an invasive, intrusive government. Tax cuts are extended for the wealthy, and unemployment benefits are cut, further crippling our economy (as the theory of “trickle-down economics” has been proven time and again to not work). And those pieces of legislation aren’t coming from Democrats or liberals; they’re coming from CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS.
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7:42 pm
Unemployment benefits were extended to three years. RD, are you sure you don’t want to just leave the political talk to men?
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8:06 pm
The man is a billionaire and an American.
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8:09 pm
Socialism does not work, yet Premier Obama is hellbent on throwing it onto all of us. Reaganomics works just fine, if you’re a hardworking, successful member of this society.
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8:43 pm
Reganomics fails the lazy and stupid.
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5:34 pm
You assholes are more racist than I am. Holy shit!
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6:49 pm
I vote this as the best comment of the year.
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8:18 pm
“are you sure you don’t want to just leave the political talk to men?”
You realize that women like Hillary Clinton would torch your ass if you were to say something like that to their faces, right? Then they’d step on your cubes.
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8:47 pm
And the real men; Kissinger, Baker, Haig make any woman, including Hillary, sound like a stripper.
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8:54 pm
Oh fuck you, you sexist cumsack.
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8:59 pm
Exactly my point.
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9:30 pm
What point?
What do you do when your wife refuses to iron your pants? Hit her?
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9:35 pm
Why would I marry a woman who would refuse this? And I would never refuse to make sure her oil is changed or the grass neatly mowed.
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9:47 pm
“Why would I marry a woman who would refuse this? And I would never refuse to make sure her oil is changed or the grass neatly mowed.”
Well, from the tone of your writing the last couple of days, it sounds like you’re upset that she’s withholding sex.
Good for her.
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10:12 pm
Good for her for withholding sex. It’s quite amusing how men get all pissy when they can’t get their rocks off.
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10:06 pm
“Why would I marry a woman who would refuse this?”
Because there might be a tiny part of your brain that wants to respect women?
“And I would never refuse to make sure her oil is changed or the grass neatly mowed.”
A mowed lawn and new oil in the car benefits both of you; ironing your shirt benefits only you. I’m sure that she would be more than happy to swap duties with you.
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10:19 pm
Claire, why do you hate freedom?
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10:51 pm
Why do you hate women?
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10:52 pm
I hate freedom because I think that women should no longer be relegated to housework and ironing their husband’s pants because they’re too lazy to do it themselves?
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11:03 pm
I laughed and laughed at your comment, Claire.
Please read your sentence again. (They’re and their refer back to lazy women.)
I hate freedom because I think that women should no longer be relegated to housework and ironing their husband’s pants because they’re too lazy to do it themselves?
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11:08 pm
She makes a lot of mistakes. It’s very embarrassing for one who needs to constantly resort to pointing out the mistakes of others. She is also a troll.
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12:14 am
Claire’s referring to all women, actually. I guess that, in your book, “lazy women” are women who know that they don’t have to bow down to whatever a man requests of them, especially if it involves sex.
I expect nothing less from you, Bitcham. How much sexual intercourse did you have today?
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12:20 am
Bitcham…. That’s hilarious RD. Remember when you said this?
“Also, Central Park is a proper noun. Capatalise it”
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1:09 am
“A mowed lawn and new oil in the car benefits both of you; ironing your shirt benefits only you. I’m sure that she would be more than happy to swap duties with you.”
Actually, if you ask her, an ironed shirt benefits her more than it benefits me.
And oil in her car benefits her too. She irons both of our clothes and I change oil in both (all) of our cars.
There are hundreds of roles we each play; both of us have our strengths and weaknesses. We are a team. Team Awesome.
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1:42 am
How does ironing YOUR clothing (a task you are perfectly capable of accomplishing) benefit her? Do you beat her if she doesn’t iron your clothing?
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1:59 am
I will play devil’s advocate as I don’t think he is responding to you. She has to look at him and the better he looks the better she feels, he’s not the one who cares whether his shirt is ironed. I would happily iron the clothes for a man if he would do things like change my oil or fill my car up at $4 a gallon. I am getting the better deal out of that one.
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2:08 am
I am not sure who you are responding to. But I wonder. Would it make more sense for a man and woman to each change their own oil, for them to each mow their own half the grass, for them to each cook their own separate dinners, for them each to do their own laundry? Or would it be more efficient for them to divide chores as a team to optimize efficiency?
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10:31 pm
“A homosexual couple moved in next door to my family a couple of weeks ago. We believe them to be harboring and/or aiding muslim terrorists. One of them has a foreign accent. The other is a black. We seen them at the supermarket buying ethnic foods. How can I thwart their terrorism?”
I think Alex’s response to this was dead on, although I do have a few more suggestions.
1.) Offer peace and welcome to the neighborhood. Ethnics and vagitarians love soup beans and bean products. Cook some soup beans (with pork)on a very low simmer overnight. Look for bubbles, this means diarrhea bacteria are alive and well in the pot. Carefully skim the bubbles and transfer to a festive, welcoming container. Deliver the dish of abdominal cramps to the neighbor. This works well with the homogays who have number two issues. If they are Muslim, they will not become ill because their digestive systems are used to eating botched foods.
2.) Invite them to Church. During open prayer, mention to the almighty your concerns about the sexual nature of their relationship as well as the Muslim threat.
3.) Casually mention to your neighbor that they have been the talk of the cul de sac. Also mention that the neighborhood watch committee has been taking down all license plates and has digitally recorded all visitors to their home for their protection.
I personally would refrain from letting loose the hounds, with leash laws it is not prudent to flagrantly break the law.
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10:34 pm
Praise Click 4 your insight and wisdom.
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10:48 pm
Number 3. Excellent advice.
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11:35 pm
“She is also a troll.”
I am not a troll. Please email me at csnedeker9@gmail.com so I can explain, as my comments seem to get moderated whenever I try to explain what I think of this site in a thread.
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6:03 am
There is hope for you yet. The fact that you’re propositioning is good.
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2:10 pm
You seem calmer today, Adam. Did you finally meet someone at the gay bar?
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2:14 pm
Please explain how that qualifies as propositioning.
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3:08 pm
He thinks he can finally pay to get in bed with you, since he views all women as whores, or one with a ‘price’.
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9:31 pm
i like email # 2 the best.
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6:04 pm
what a bunch of bigots! are you serious!? this whole site is a JOKE!
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6:11 pm
hahaha, never mind. just realized after looking around “christwire” for a lil bit thats it a spoof site lol..
yet there probably are people like this in the world.
its sad what religion can do to people
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9:01 pm
Sounds like Claire was up against a particularly stubborn pair of pants recently. Don’t be angry about your inability to do the work that the almighty God himself created you for. Try ironing them quickly right after they are dried. (I remember this from when I was single and needed to iron my own)
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