Recently while ministering to misguided youth in the inner city with the pastor of my local church and great American, Reverend Landry, the topic of cars came up. We were having a time of it discussing horsepower and the like when one of the roughians approached with his pants halfway to the ground and his hat bent at a funny angle. “Chevy’s suck. You should get a Ford.”
Like I said before, misguided youth. And probably a communist.
The exchange that followed was a one sided beating which led to the offender being sent to clean garbage out of rental trucks as punishment for his blasphemy. It also brought up the topic we shall discuss today; can the car you are driving be a sin to God and country?
According to Reverend Landry, the answer is yes. Yes it can. And it can also reveal homo gay tendencies. Ask yourself these four questions, and if you answer positive to any one of them, you may very well be driving that car you love so much on the road to eternal damnation.
Is it a Ford?
You may at first think you are supporting the economy by buying a good American brand name like Ford. The shocking reality is that most of their jobs have been outsourced to communist China for pennies on the dollar. Instead of a hard working Americans making sure you get quality craftsmanship, some lazy communist who takes ten breaks a day and wears red pajamas to bed is kicking around rice patties and blaspheming Jesus while he should be working. Supporting Ford = supporting communism. Owning a Chevy is what George Washington would do if he was alive.
Does your car have an Asian name?
If it does you are supporting communism outright and should be shot as a traitor and heretic. Those who buy Fords can at least feign ignorance, though that will not save them from the fire and brimstone. An American who owns a Honda has absolutely no excuse and might as well give up their birth certificate and take up ping pong. When you put American gas in a foreign car you are putting a notch on the terrorist side of the scoreboard.
Can your vehicle handle the snow?
If it can’t then all you are doing by driving it around is forwarding the homo gay liberal agenda. Even an American compact, like the 1969 Dodge Charger, can muscle its way out of pretty much any situation using good old fashioned Detroit steel. Recent studies have proven that the smaller a man’s vehicle is, the more likely he is to visit gay bars and other homosexual events like wine tastings. You never see gays driving trucks. Because Gays can’t drive trucks. They would instead spend all day fornicating with the shifter.
Does your vehicle run on electricity?
If so, your sins are tenfold and even the lowest levels of Hell aren’t hot enough for you. Not only are you not supporting our economy by not buying gas, you are spitting on the Bible by utilizing witchcraft and wizardry to power your automobile. On top of all that, the likelihood that you will be carpooling with fellow gays to fashion shows is great. You probably also helped to vote a Kenyan into our highest office. Heathen.