Heroic Microsoft Spearheads Effort to Save World from Internet Explorer 6

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It has been a dark, cursed pox upon web programming for a decade. Stories of old reveal tales of elder programmers, driven to madness by the horrors of IE 6 non-compliance in a world of essential web standards.

How many of you have had a site render beautifully in Firefox, Safari or even a later generation Internet Explorer, to only find a client crying and complaining days later, because his wife said the site looked “jarbled” on her home computer.

In your heart, just like millions of others, an anger grew slowly by slowly. A primitive sweat filled your brow as adrenaline fueled your body to hulking levels of irate anger and thrown Mountain Dew cans: Cheetos in tow and cat cowering in fear, the room gave in to your rage in knowing that there are still people on Earth too stubborn to stop using Internet Explorer 6.

All drama aside, IE 6 has been a bad actor on the stage of browsers, giving the users a slow, hunkering performance that is always in poor taste and decoration. It reads from a cue card built years ago and is smudged with all sorts of maladies that are just too tedious to fix; yet, it has been too bulky for the collective hooked cane of programmers to yank. There has been no good way to get rid of this hellbeast, until now.

Like a guilt-mounted alien civilization that unleashed a great beast upon the millennia ago, Microsoft has risen its corporate head to claim accountability for this global horror.

“Friends don’t let friends use Internet Explorer 6″. This will be the mantra of Microsoft’s campaign to ensure all people on Earth get rid of the browser. If there ever was an argument for mandatory automatic software updates that give the end user no choice, this would probably be it.

About The Author
Born and raised in SoCal, Bren Langford is currently a student, lifeguard and lifestyle editor for ChristWire Campus Weekly.