• How To Pack A Cat

    March 17, 2011 9:30 pm 33 comments
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  • Cats are vermin. Every year, America is plagued with over 1,000,000 stray cats that throw off natural ecosystems and ravage trash cans, forcing home owners to go out in early morning, wallowing in their own filth as they frantically clean the yard and adjoining neighbors’ before the trashman arrives.

    It is the solemn duty of all Americans to make sure we rid this nation of the cat pest. The best way to do this to call your local animal control and then ship any stray cats to them. So cats are so wild and feral, that they are impossible to trap in home. If you don’t have a steel cage or tranqs handy, you could find yourself with a loose cat in your garage or home over the weekend. Cats will go straight for your furniture and face. Be warned. There is no favorite activity more for a cat than pissing all over your nice furniture, plaguing your nose with endless torture until you take your furniture to the trash and put it to flame, burning away comfort and hard earned money in the process.

    Cats are coy, taking indifference to the inconvenience they put on our lives. They expect to be fed and for human beings to cater to them, even after grievous offenses like scratching up desks and furniture or attacking a peaceful tank of expensive tropical fence. Cats are also trouble makers, scratching and batting the faces of innocent puppies whenever your back is turned. So be warned, cats are sneaky, nimble and violent, not the type of creatures you want to keep unleashed in your home until animal control can come take them away or opens up.

    So it is imperitive to have a way to trap cats before you turn them over to the city. The method I used most recently was strapping a cat in an old suitcase, then leaving it overnight in the garage.

    The next day, I just dropped it off to the city shelter and was assured that they had so many strays, the cat would be put down after the obligatory week waiting period. I could have just left this cat the night before when I was pumping gas, but I caught it and brought it home. Now with this the cat is off the streets and won’t contribute to the uncontrollable levels of cat we have straining our nation.

    If everyone contributes, we will have the number of cats in this country well under control and control their population levels. Just be warned that you need to have containment measures in place and be able to arrange them quickly. Everyone should have a suitcase and with Obama’s TSA molesting people at the airport, this is likely a better use for your luggage. Notice how the cat had no chance to escape and I was even able to zip it up overnight before taking it to the shelter, blocking out its hopeless mews of adoration as if I’d let it escape and contribute to the vermin population explosion.

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    About The Author
    Adam Nelson

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