How To Pack A Cat
Cats are vermin. Every year, America is plagued with over 1,000,000 stray cats that throw off natural ecosystems and ravage trash cans, forcing home owners to go out in early morning, wallowing in their own filth as they frantically clean the yard and adjoining neighbors’ before the trashman arrives.
It is the solemn duty of all Americans to make sure we rid this nation of the cat pest. The best way to do this to call your local animal control and then ship any stray cats to them. So cats are so wild and feral, that they are impossible to trap in home. If you don’t have a steel cage or tranqs handy, you could find yourself with a loose cat in your garage or home over the weekend. Cats will go straight for your furniture and face. Be warned. There is no favorite activity more for a cat than pissing all over your nice furniture, plaguing your nose with endless torture until you take your furniture to the trash and put it to flame, burning away comfort and hard earned money in the process.
Cats are coy, taking indifference to the inconvenience they put on our lives. They expect to be fed and for human beings to cater to them, even after grievous offenses like scratching up desks and furniture or attacking a peaceful tank of expensive tropical fence. Cats are also trouble makers, scratching and batting the faces of innocent puppies whenever your back is turned. So be warned, cats are sneaky, nimble and violent, not the type of creatures you want to keep unleashed in your home until animal control can come take them away or opens up.
So it is imperitive to have a way to trap cats before you turn them over to the city. The method I used most recently was strapping a cat in an old suitcase, then leaving it overnight in the garage.
The next day, I just dropped it off to the city shelter and was assured that they had so many strays, the cat would be put down after the obligatory week waiting period. I could have just left this cat the night before when I was pumping gas, but I caught it and brought it home. Now with this the cat is off the streets and won’t contribute to the uncontrollable levels of cat we have straining our nation.
If everyone contributes, we will have the number of cats in this country well under control and control their population levels. Just be warned that you need to have containment measures in place and be able to arrange them quickly. Everyone should have a suitcase and with Obama’s TSA molesting people at the airport, this is likely a better use for your luggage. Notice how the cat had no chance to escape and I was even able to zip it up overnight before taking it to the shelter, blocking out its hopeless mews of adoration as if I’d let it escape and contribute to the vermin population explosion.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Adam Nelson
9:48 pm
It’s a good thing to use welding gloves when handling the cat. It prevents disease transfer and keeps those nasty claws away.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
3
10:02 pm
“Cats are vermin.”
No, they’re not.
“Every year, America is plagued with over 1,000,000 stray cats that throw off natural ecosystems and ravage trash cans, forcing home owners to go out in early morning, wallowing in their own filth as they frantically clean the yard and adjoining neighbors’ before the trashman arrives.”
Yeah…sounds more like the work of raccoons to me. But all animals need to eat. Perhaps you should be glad they’re going for your leftovers and not climbing into your house and eating off of your plates.
“Cats are coy, taking indifference to the inconvenience they put on our lives.”
Just because you’re a heartless bastard doesn’t mean that everyone views cats as an inconvenience.
“or attacking a peaceful tank of expensive tropical fence.”
Que?
Seriously Adam, I hope you die. I hope someone hogties you and locks you in a crate with no airholes.
Praise or Condemn:
4 
2
10:03 pm
You give no sources for your wild claims.
Not only that, but do you know how many stray dogs there are? How many raccoons? Those also knock over garbage cans and cause harm to humans and their properties, you moronic cumsack.
What you’re proposing here is animal cruelty. Simple negligence of a pet is punishable by a $500 fine in some states; out-and-out abuse and cruelty can earn you a prison sentence in many.
I hope you get clawed by a feral cat so badly that the wound becomes infected and you die from it, you miserable excuse for a human. It would serve you right.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
0
9:56 pm
Its just a joke people!!!
Praise or Condemn:
4 
0
10:19 pm
The cat I captured has still not been bought and only has three more days to live. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight, because I will knowing that I helped exterminate another vermin.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
4
10:53 pm
“I hope you have sweet dreams tonight, because I will knowing that I helped exterminate another vermin.”
It’s “articles” like this that make me want to go out, get pregnant, and then abort the fetus, just so that I can gloat in your face that I helped exterminate vermin.
Praise or Condemn:
6 
0
11:19 pm
“make me want to go out, get pregnant”
Good luck with that…
Praise or Condemn:
1 
2
11:35 pm
I have a gay friend who would love a child. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to give me his sperm. Then I’d just tell him that I miscarried.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
0
11:38 pm
Unfortunately, that makes a lot of sense.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
2
7:40 pm
Don’t worry Claire. This may be a late post, but this site is full of moronic dumb asses. They think cats are raccoons. They must be blind as shit. Dogs are stray, yes. Cats are also, yes, so are EVERY OTHER FUCKING ANIMAL. THESE STUPID CHRISTIANS THINK THEY ARE FOLLOWING GOD FOR KILLING INNOCENT CREATURES/CREATIONS OF GOD. THEY ARE SO UNHOLY TO THE MAX. Theses are false people made form satan. They are full of lucifer and legion. Your literally the only name that I have capitalized. Oh and God nor Jesus wrote the bible. Drunk people did. They got drunk from the wine that some guy turned it from water. People are destroying this world 1 trillion times more than any other animal is. A fact is that humans caused Global warming from our own inventions. We made cars, we are to fucking lazy to use renewable fuel, so we just use some fossil fuel which is more devastating. IT’s HUMANITIES FAULT FOR THE WORLD’S BURDEN. WE CAUSE POVERTY, WE CAUSE EVERYTHING BAD. WE CAUSE HURRICANES, NOT HOMOGAYS, US GOD DAMMIT JUST FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU RACIST PRICKS.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
11:46 pm
Adam “I’m happy knowing that I committed animal cruelty…oh yeah…” Nelson wonders why no woman would ever want to be with him.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
1
11:52 pm
Comedian, population control is a very ethical and humane practice.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
2
12:19 am
“Comedian, population control is a very ethical and humane practice.”
Not as humane as simply spaying and neutering or abortion. Despite what you may think, I’m fine with aborting animal fetuses, for the same reason I’m fine with aborting human fetuses. In fact, several years back I witnessed a feline spay/abortion when I interned at a vet clinic – a purebred Siamese had been bred by her brother (the owners were too stupid to spay and neuter the siblings prior to this and the two had actually had a previous litter together which had turned out rather fucked up). The owners finally wised up and brought them both in a week after the mating for a spay/abortion and a neuter. The vet showed me the horns of the uterus, which were lined with tiny black specks, each about the size of an unground peppercorn, which were the fetuses. She then proceeded to remove the uterus and ovaries and into the trash they went. And to be honest, I didn’t feel any sort of sadness. I love kittens with all my heart, but these were little black specks – they couldn’t feel, they couldn’t think, they most certainly couldn’t survive on their own, they had no nervous system, no circulatory system. I did, however, feel sorry for the poor mother cat, who had already been knocked up by her horndog brother. At the same time, though, I was glad for her, because she would never have to go through that shit again.
Once the kittens are born, however, adoption is vital. By that time they can feel, think, and are a hell of a lot cuter than newborn humans. There’s no excuse for shelters to not do everything in their power to get kittens, puppies, and their parents, adopted.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
0
3:30 pm
so you are in fact saying abortion is a very humane and ethical pratice since it’s also works as a part of population control?
great now even the nutjob christians agree abortioan is a good thing.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0
3:37 pm
No, I never said abortion. People thin animal populations everywhere, usually to prevent the animals suffering. Sometimes humans cause extinctions of animals, but just as often we contribute to overpopulation. Domesticated cats are an example of an animal that thrives because of humans.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
1
10:44 pm
Adam,
I wish I had read this before a allowing one of these in my home. I have a Bible versed terrier mix that has, on numerous occasions, caught “the cat” cheating at cards, hiding like a yellow eyed demon in cupboards and showing his missing juicy bits to all while lounging on the couch. While it was easy to teach the terrier Bible verses and how to pray each night, the dang cat is an unwilling pupil. I am going to our local dry goods tomorrow and purchasing welding gloves and one of these carriers.
Thank you again for your fantastic insights.
Praise be,
BB
Praise or Condemn:
2 
2
12:41 am
How stupid are you? A dog doesn’t give two shits about the Bible, nor does any other animal. Besides that, animals can’t play cards, or any other human-made games.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
1
12:48 am
“animals can’t play cards, or any other human-made games”
We had a horse that could play tic-tac-toe it also could play checkers, but couldn’t “king” so that was a bust. Cousin Frederick had a hamster that could play monopoly, but never won.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
2
7:27 am
Comedian, turning over a cat to the local animal shelter is not cruelty. If you think it is, go join Peta. In the meantime, I will continue to catch every stray cat I can and count down those seven days with a smile on my face, because I hate that the nation is being overrun with these pests. I have nothing against an owned cat, but if it’s in the wild I will take time out of my schedule to trap it and turn it over to authorities. I give it to the animal shelter because the local cat society is known for turning them loose again, and the problem repeats. I’d rather it just be put down and there is nothing wrong with that, they are an invasive species and throw off the local population dynamics of flora and fauna.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
2
1:07 pm
Oh, just so you know, Adam, strapping a cat into a suitcase and then zipping it up overnight is animal cruelty. Expect action from local law enforcement.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
1
1:42 pm
//Comedian, turning over a cat to the local animal shelter is not cruelty. If you think it is, go join Peta.//
Taking an animal to a shelter isn’t cruel, capturing an animal and forcing it into confines that don’t allow it any movement, leaving outside overnight, and then gleefully await the day when you hear that the shelter did your fantasy of killing the animal IS cruelty.
//In the meantime, I will continue to catch every stray cat I can and count down those seven days with a smile on my face, because I hate that the nation is being overrun with these pests.//
Which proves you’re just a sick fuck who enjoys torturing others for your own amusement. You just admitted that you’re SMILING at the thought of killing an animal, not feeling sorry that it didn’t get a home, not feeling guilt that maybe YOU could’ve done something, hell, not even no feelings in either direction, a lack of caring would be better than being happy that it’s going to die.
//I have nothing against an owned cat, but if it’s in the wild I will take time out of my schedule to trap it and turn it over to authorities.//
I highly doubt you have anything against owned cats. You’ll come so close to being able to murder an animal and then let someone else finish it off for you, simply because you think you found yourself a loophole.
//I give it to the animal shelter because the local cat society is known for turning them loose again, and the problem repeats. I’d rather it just be put down and there is nothing wrong with that, they are an invasive species and throw off the local population dynamics of flora and fauna.//
Nothing wrong with putting down an animal if needs be, but doing so while being so giddy prove you’re just a psychotic killer waiting to happen. You pretty much said that you’d rape Claire if you had alcohol in you while she was around, and you just admitted that you love the thought of a cat dying. I’m willing to bet that you wish they tortured the thing even further than what you did, simply because you don’t want to get your hands dirty.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
0
11:59 am
Before they are killed…Could we save the fur for the poor? I think Jesus would approve!
Praise or Condemn:
2 
0
3:34 pm
“Cats are coy, taking indifference to the inconvenience they put on our lives”
that sounds exactly like a description of most christians… weird huh?
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0
6:49 pm
I teach high school biology and anatomy and when it comes time for cat dissection, I tell my students to bring their own cats.
This way the school saves a lot of money and the students are doing their part in reducing the menacing hoard.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
1
6:52 pm
More great ideas Biology. We send ours as presents to enemy troops. The cost of postage is about the same as what they charge for the euthanasia shot here. It had a very demoralizing effect on their men.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
1
12:15 pm
I suggest we ship YOU off to enemy troops, “August”. I’m sure they would all commit suicide upon seeing your fugly face.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
1
12:36 pm
yeah why dont you show us what a “looker” you must be?
Praise or Condemn:
0 
1
12:51 pm
I never claimed to be one.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
12:01 pm
I like to fuck a cat while slitting its throat. The way it bucks makes me so hawnee!
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
2:19 pm
Cats ain’t vermin they get rid of vermin, thats why humans took them on as pets in the first place, otherwise we’d be over run with rats.
And the only reason there would be so many rats is lazy humans leaving there rubbish all over the place.
And cats need to scratch stuff to get there nails sharp, no malice or nothing.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
2:38 pm
Thank you for a most informative article. Reminds me of the days when Izzy the orange tabby had too many kittens and Grandpa would just put the ugly ones in a big sac, swing it around over his head and smack it against the willow tree a couple of times. Good times! Driving to a shelter to exterminate cats wastes gas and precious resources. Not to mention the cost of air freshener. You can reuse a canvass sack in the privacy of your back alley or de-tatched garage if a willow tree is not available. Also, a lot of fur on the hoods of jackets made in China are made from cat. I think we should also think of exporting cats there where they utilize the whole animal for various purposes and help the economy. Thank you for your time
Praise or Condemn:
2 
0
7:48 pm
you guys are just satan. you guys are not real. you guys will go to hell if you dont stop being satan followers like this. i bet you that guy who wrote that book was drunk as a fucking hippy on angel dust you faggots. if you hate homogays then i will call you homogays you faggot demonic pieces of shit. i hope you guys burn in hell for saying these things ive read. you guys disapoint me i think i will convert. i seen an article that says message from hell: letting a friend die athiest… blah blah blah. you guys expect to convert with the bullshit stuff you guys post? you guys better be joking. i hope you guys burn in hell you faggots of satan lucifer legion and every other god damned demon in the pits of hell. may god have mercy on your twisted, demonized souls.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
6:22 pm
Wow. If cats were spawn of satan then why did “God” have them put on Noah’s Arc? You, sir, are an idiot.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0