With another school year winding down, parents nationwide will soon be accosted with requests for class rings and senior pictures. For you first time parents, let’s have a frank discussion.
Your child is not worth it. Let’s just put it bluntly. You will spend $600 on a shoddy senior class ring. You will spend another $1,000 on pictures your kid will give to friends and Aunt Bessie, but could have just as easily uploaded and shared on Facebook like they are probably doing with their digital camera pictures this very minute.
Just like the parents of sweet Megan will discover soon enough, high school senior pictures should be the least of your financial worries right now.
While on the subject of pictures, if you’re actually friends with your child on Facebook, kiss that goodbye as she goes off to college. Spread legs and eagerly onlooking eyes is a common motif on campuses nationwide.
There are usually drunken pictures involved in the precursors to such nightly events and guess what, Mr. Young Dad? Your daughter is going to defriend you from her Facebook, so she can freely share those pictures without you and Mom calling her every five seconds to “nag”.
Trust me, I know. I am on kid number 3 who has betrayed me with a defriending.
Companies like Jostens and Ameriacn Yearbook are ripping you off. If it really comes down to it, you can just drag out the family camera and take the pictures yourself. It saves money and will come out looking decent enough. In five months, your child will not care about those pictures and only want money to buy stuff for their new dorm room.
$1,600.oo saved. Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned. You can either give those saved dollars to your kid as they beg for more ‘book money’ or ‘laundry quarters’. This means ‘drinking and good times’ money in college talk. You should remember that from your collegiate days.
Class rings and senior pictures; they are a rip off, almost more of a rip-off than what the first gackle of fraternity boys who lay eyes on your daughter plan to do with her clothing after plying her with alcohol.
Am I fear mongering? Let’s answer that question. Guys, think about you as a teenager. Think about yourself as a teenager with a beer or two, your friends egging you on and a naive college girl in freshly bought clothes and looking nervously around, in need for self-approval. Yeah, that’s not fear mongering, it’s preparing for the worst.
Dads, instead of wasting money on senior pictures for your little angel, here are some more practical things you can buy. Bring these awesome products with you to orientation and use your camera to make nice digital printouts, spreading them around campus so they will remember that crazy asshole with all the cool stuff. It works.
Benefit: Instantly deflate libido of fraternity horndogs
If you have a daughter, you should have a gun. College boys have no problems trying to plow their shotgun into your girl, they will try time and time again. And even if they are never successful, they still need to know you have a shotgun that can put a hole in their face. These little limp-wrist fraternity boys need to know what manhood is all about and this is the final lesson in birds and bees that we who have daughters much teach boys who are not our own.
Cost: $400 right now at Walmart.com
Benefit: Ultimate surveillance when configured
Every college student needs a good computer. For your girl, get a HP laptop. These computers are very easy to configure to allow remote access, which is what you will be using to remotely activate the web camera and built in microphone.
The neat thing about HP is that a new iPhone app lets you activate the remote features, meaning you can keep tabs on what’s going on from the comfort of your office and the links.
MINI SPY CAMERA AND VINTAGE JOHNNY CASH POSTER
Benefit: Easy bait and surveillance
Every boy in college tends to seek out black lights, crappy posters of vintage celebrities and whatever will get his noodle wet. Your daughter is the pit of water in which he plans to make his ‘noodle’ al dente.
This next trick is complex yet simple. Exploiting the college boy’s endless hunger to acquire ‘I’m in college!’ coming of age posters (i.e., those depicting Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, John Belushi and Che Guavera), we first purchase a classic poster. Johnny Cash up above will suffice. Go outside and punch a beehive and in your frustrated cries of anger and pain, sign the poster “I hate you, Love Johnny C”. This will look very authentic since you punched the bees and have standard emotional line of Johnny Cash at that point.
Next, tell your daughter a little fabrication.
“Johnny Cash signed this. This is a valuable, vintage poster I had in college. I want you to have this and keep it on your wall wherever I hang it. It’s been my dream, sweetheart, to have you have this.”
Next, channel you inner-Bond. Like a 007 agent on a Wal-Mart budget, you can get really nice spy equipment for a non-Pentagon or M6 price. I personally prefer the alarm clock. As you set-up your daughters room, place the alarm clock near the bed, opposite the Johnny Cash poster.
As the school year rolls along, your daughter will talk about her awesome Johnny Cash poster as an introductory conversation piece for the young lads she meets. Seeing their ‘in’, they will come back to the room. By the power of the laptop with permanent recording sound you bought her, and a remote iPhone app, you can be alerted to the sound of a male’s voice in proxy.
On your iPhone, you then watch the events. Size the boy up. Does he look decent? Is he of good resolve? Is his tone and demeanor proper? If he doesn’t pass the test, make a road-trip –unannounced – to visit your sweetheart.
Bring your shotgun.
- Dave Reilly is a father and good American. If you are sending your daughter to school this upcoming year, take precautionary steps to ensure her safety. Remember, when it comes to raising your child, no words are correct but your own.