Questionable 2011 Senior Pictures Begin to Emerge
With another school year winding down, parents nationwide will soon be accosted with requests for class rings and senior pictures. For you first time parents, let’s have a frank discussion.
Your child is not worth it. Let’s just put it bluntly. You will spend $600 on a shoddy senior class ring. You will spend another $1,000 on pictures your kid will give to friends and Aunt Bessie, but could have just as easily uploaded and shared on Facebook like they are probably doing with their digital camera pictures this very minute.
Just like the parents of sweet Megan will discover soon enough, high school senior pictures should be the least of your financial worries right now.
While on the subject of pictures, if you’re actually friends with your child on Facebook, kiss that goodbye as she goes off to college. Spread legs and eagerly onlooking eyes is a common motif on campuses nationwide.
There are usually drunken pictures involved in the precursors to such nightly events and guess what, Mr. Young Dad? Your daughter is going to defriend you from her Facebook, so she can freely share those pictures without you and Mom calling her every five seconds to “nag”.
Trust me, I know. I am on kid number 3 who has betrayed me with a defriending.
Companies like Jostens and Ameriacn Yearbook are ripping you off. If it really comes down to it, you can just drag out the family camera and take the pictures yourself. It saves money and will come out looking decent enough. In five months, your child will not care about those pictures and only want money to buy stuff for their new dorm room.
$1,600.oo saved. Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned. You can either give those saved dollars to your kid as they beg for more ‘book money’ or ‘laundry quarters’. This means ‘drinking and good times’ money in college talk. You should remember that from your collegiate days.
Class rings and senior pictures; they are a rip off, almost more of a rip-off than what the first gackle of fraternity boys who lay eyes on your daughter plan to do with her clothing after plying her with alcohol.
Am I fear mongering? Let’s answer that question. Guys, think about you as a teenager. Think about yourself as a teenager with a beer or two, your friends egging you on and a naive college girl in freshly bought clothes and looking nervously around, in need for self-approval. Yeah, that’s not fear mongering, it’s preparing for the worst.
Dads, instead of wasting money on senior pictures for your little angel, here are some more practical things you can buy. Bring these awesome products with you to orientation and use your camera to make nice digital printouts, spreading them around campus so they will remember that crazy asshole with all the cool stuff. It works.
SHOTGUN
Cost: $400
Benefit: Instantly deflate libido of fraternity horndogs
If you have a daughter, you should have a gun. College boys have no problems trying to plow their shotgun into your girl, they will try time and time again. And even if they are never successful, they still need to know you have a shotgun that can put a hole in their face. These little limp-wrist fraternity boys need to know what manhood is all about and this is the final lesson in birds and bees that we who have daughters much teach boys who are not our own.
HP Laptop
Cost: $400 right now at Walmart.com
Benefit: Ultimate surveillance when configured
Every college student needs a good computer. For your girl, get a HP laptop. These computers are very easy to configure to allow remote access, which is what you will be using to remotely activate the web camera and built in microphone.
The neat thing about HP is that a new iPhone app lets you activate the remote features, meaning you can keep tabs on what’s going on from the comfort of your office and the links.
MINI SPY CAMERA AND VINTAGE JOHNNY CASH POSTER
Cost: $75
Benefit: Easy bait and surveillance
Every boy in college tends to seek out black lights, crappy posters of vintage celebrities and whatever will get his noodle wet. Your daughter is the pit of water in which he plans to make his ‘noodle’ al dente.
This next trick is complex yet simple. Exploiting the college boy’s endless hunger to acquire ‘I’m in college!’ coming of age posters (i.e., those depicting Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, John Belushi and Che Guavera), we first purchase a classic poster. Johnny Cash up above will suffice. Go outside and punch a beehive and in your frustrated cries of anger and pain, sign the poster “I hate you, Love Johnny C”. This will look very authentic since you punched the bees and have standard emotional line of Johnny Cash at that point.
Next, tell your daughter a little fabrication.
“Johnny Cash signed this. This is a valuable, vintage poster I had in college. I want you to have this and keep it on your wall wherever I hang it. It’s been my dream, sweetheart, to have you have this.”
Next, channel you inner-Bond. Like a 007 agent on a Wal-Mart budget, you can get really nice spy equipment for a non-Pentagon or M6 price. I personally prefer the alarm clock. As you set-up your daughters room, place the alarm clock near the bed, opposite the Johnny Cash poster.
As the school year rolls along, your daughter will talk about her awesome Johnny Cash poster as an introductory conversation piece for the young lads she meets. Seeing their ‘in’, they will come back to the room. By the power of the laptop with permanent recording sound you bought her, and a remote iPhone app, you can be alerted to the sound of a male’s voice in proxy.
On your iPhone, you then watch the events. Size the boy up. Does he look decent? Is he of good resolve? Is his tone and demeanor proper? If he doesn’t pass the test, make a road-trip –unannounced – to visit your sweetheart.
Bring your shotgun.
- Dave Reilly is a father and good American. If you are sending your daughter to school this upcoming year, take precautionary steps to ensure her safety. Remember, when it comes to raising your child, no words are correct but your own.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: uReport
12:50 pm
Dave,
Very interesting article. So many liberal parents drop deliver their spawn at sunrise for orientation. I think your suggestions are cool water for thirsting Christian parents whose little girls didn’t get accepted to Bob Jones University.
These liberal do-nothing parents depend on a Nanny State to patrol their children’s journey into the dark, sinful nature of higher education. Can you imagine being the parent of this young woman at USC, caught on security cameras? http://imgur.com/a/2RfCA/all See link for pictures with safe for work blackouts.
I think the size of the black out box on that young man means he might be black.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
3
1:02 pm
“These liberal do-nothing parents depend on a Nanny State to patrol their children’s journey into the dark, sinful nature of higher education.”
What? These “Children” are adults now. And how hypocritical is it to condemn the parents for not being intrusive, but also condemn the government for being intrusive. Do you have any sources claiming the government is being “Nannyish”? And how is being educated sinful? Oh, right, god loves the uneducated masses.
“I think the size of the black out box on that young man means he might be black.”
Oh, no! A black man! According to you, shouldn’t they be picking cotton on some backwards plantation in Georgia?
Praise or Condemn:
2 
1
12:53 pm
Wow, spying on your college age daughter. That isn’t illegal or anything.
Praise or Condemn:
3 
0
3:07 pm
I feel silly responding to a dinosaur that’s been extinct for well over 1200 years. A woman remains in the dominion and responsibility of her father until she is married. It does not matter what age she is.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
2
3:16 pm
“I feel silly responding to a dinosaur that’s been extinct for well over 1200 years.”
Someone didn’t pay attention in science class.
“A woman remains in the dominion and responsibility of her father until she is married. It does not matter what age she is.”
Maybe in your crazy little “the Bible is the only law on everything” world, but not for most people. My parents keep an eye on my older sister and I, since we’re away at college, but they don’t do so intrusively. They visit, they call us on the phone, we sometimes talk over Skype, but that’s it. If you really want one of your kids to develop a lifelong hatred of you for being an intrusive parent, though, then sure, spy on someone who is a legal adult.
Oh, and you ARE aware that, when your children turn 18, they are legal adults and, if they so choose, can file a restraining order against you for such actions?
Praise or Condemn:
3 
0
3:25 pm
You forgot to say you are disgusted by male genitals.
18 adults? Ok have them go buy beer or get elected president.
“Someone didn’t pay attention in science class.”
OK, do you really think that raptors have been around in the last 1200 years?
“Maybe in your crazy little “the Bible is the only law on everything” world, but not for most people”
Please look at what web site you are on.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
1
3:36 pm
“18 adults? Ok have them go buy beer or get elected president.”
At eighteen years old, in the United States, a person is legally able to buy cigarettes, vote, buy pornography, and be tried in court as an adult. The drinking age was raised to 21 in 1987, presumably due to medical studies proving the effects of alcohol on a still-developing brain. In some states, however, it is legal for parents to serve alcohol to their children in their own home. But that’s irrelevant.
And, would YOU want someone fresh out of high school running your country? People need experience living their own lives AS ADULTS before they try that. Your “point” is irrelevant.
“OK, do you really think that raptors have been around in the last 1200 years?”
They’ve been extinct for a few million years. What’s the year again? 2011? I don’t see any accounts regarding dinosaurs roaming the earth from the ninth century or before. There are, however, fossils that are a few million years old.
“Please look at what web site you are on.”
Please look at the laws regarding adulthood in the United States. You’re invading the privacy of an adult in this scenario. You can go to prison for that, or at least have a restraining order filed against you.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0
3:47 pm
The age which one is an adult is subjective. There in no one federal guarantee. And parents all over do stuff like this. Many parents pay for their kids’ education or allow them to live at home in exchange for some privacy rights. For example showing their parents their college grades even though they are an adult and shouldnt have to.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
1
3:53 pm
Also, I said “well over 1200 years”
The only way to disagree with that statement is to say less than 1200 years.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
2
4:21 pm
“A woman remains in the dominion and responsibility of her father until she is married. It does not matter what age she is.”
Perhaps you’d be more at home in Saudi Arabia, because in 21st Century America women are no longer viewed as property.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
0
4:24 pm
Please look at what this site is about. We are sharing traditional conservative values. If you do not wish to read about traditional conservative values then I suggest you go to a web site not about traditional conservative values.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
2
4:32 pm
Sorry, but I don’t tolerate sexism. To hell with your mission statement.
Praise or Condemn:
2 
1
3:58 pm
“The age which one is an adult is subjective. There in no one federal guarantee.”
Except that, according to the law here in America, a person is a LEGAL ADULT upon turning 18.
“And parents all over do stuff like this.”
First I’ve heard of it. You’d think that, if it’s a common practice for parents, guns in hand, to drop their kids off at college, it’d be a little more well-known.
“Many parents pay for their kids’ education or allow them to live at home in exchange for some privacy rights. For example showing their parents their college grades even though they are an adult and shouldnt have to.”
If you live in another person’s house, you’re held to their rules. That’s fairly basic; they don’t have to let you live there, and as such, you should respect their rules. There is a rather large border between “privacy rights” and spying on someone who is an adult and no longer lives in your house. They have a right to know what you’re doing; they can just as easily throw out the computer, poster, and/or spy camera.
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0
4:01 pm
“Also, I said “well over 1200 years”
The only way to disagree with that statement is to say less than 1200 years.”
If you meant, “more than 1200 years”, you should have specified a greater length of time. If you’d said, “dinosaurs have been extinct for thousands of years” or “for over a million years”, that would have been acceptable. Rather, you specified a very specific time (“well over 1200 years”), when it’d been scientifically proven that most dinosaurs went extinct several MILLION years ago.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
9:48 am
“when it’d been scientifically”
Excellent! Way to show them by using incorrect contraction grammar RD!
Praise or Condemn:
0 
1
10:09 am
You forgot a comma between grammar and RD, PD.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
6:53 pm
1200 Years ago = Middle age I hope you know that the first dinosaur fossil we have been found ( and recorded ) was 2 Million years ago
and what is the use of a shotgun anyway ? you Incite violence to kill feeloow country men and you wodner why outsider laugh at you and think ya just a Bunch of brainless Yankee
18 is adult consentment 35 is to become President andf you have been adult for a Long time and even then that many “old President” where stupid enough
namely Reagan, Bush sr and Bush Jr Brainwashing the nation
Also traditional conservatives value doesnt include sexism and homophobia neither slavery
there is good christian value as well ( respecting your parent and everyone around you )
But it’s seems you lost the touch to reality you become paranoid wanted to Nuke every country outside of USA
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0
10:17 pm
August Weisz, please stop flaunting your scientific ignorance. The dinosaurs have been extinct for about 65 million years. If you pick a number, don’t pick an odd one. 1200 years is like saying the dinosaurs went extinct before July 30th, 856 C.E. at 1:34.23 in the morning.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
1
9:27 am
Blah Blah Blah go the evolutionist. Might as well have a monkey derby, makes about as much sense as their Darwinian nonsense.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
2
10:06 am
It would make sense if you didn’t have a vestigial brain.
Praise or Condemn:
1 
0
5:48 pm
I like that pic where that lezbo is looking up at that cheerleader’s panties. Maybe she is hoping delicious corn laden poo will splat down on her face! Yum!
Praise or Condemn:
0 
1
7:39 pm
” There are usually drunken pictures involved in the precursors to such nightly events and guess what, Mr. Young Dad? Your daughter is going to defriend you from her Facebook, so she can freely share those pictures without you and Mom calling her every five seconds to “nag”.”
Actually, they probably won’t. They’ll probably just change the privacy settings on their account.
I’m not even going to comment on the shotgun.
“Every college student needs a good computer. For your girl, get a HP laptop. These computers are very easy to configure to allow remote access, which is what you will be using to remotely activate the web camera and built in microphone.”
HP is for pussies. Sager and Alienware is where it’s at. As an added benefit, if your child plays Global Agenda, they’ll fit in perfectly and have added bragging rights if they own an Alienware. Why you’d be looking at your daughter’s webcam… kind of suggestive.
“Next, tell your daughter a little fabrication.”
Is it, “I’m totally not going to spy on you when you’re masturbating so I can get off!”?
Praise or Condemn:
0 
0