• Will a Colonoscopy Make Me Gay?

    March 11, 2011 10:50 pm 19 comments

    Approximately 1%-20% will emerge from the procedure with homosexual tendencies, about the same as general population tests for gay episodes. Straight men seem to harbor greater concerns of having their “gay switch” flipped during the procedure than straight women, probably due their Godly nature. After lifetime of faithful service as a one-way, exit-only traverse straight men fear their bodies may deceive them and begin a headfirst spiral into the gay agenda after receiving a colonoscopy. This serious concern is oftentimes rebuked by Doctors because as men, they have the same fears.

    There are steps you can take to make sure your colonoscopy does not flip your gay switch. Taking these steps as well as following your doctor’s instructions exactly will guaranty you awake from the procedure with the peace of mind that both your colorectal and sexual health are as robust as when you began.

    Have Your Gay Switch(es) Removed

    “The gay switch” has enjoyed a near mythical popularity in straight male culture. Campfire stories retold at deer camp tell of men whose sexuality was involuntarily changed due to prison, a domineering wife or mandrill attack. (Check out the right hand corner mandrill giving the sweet neck massage to brave explorer’s African servant man while flipping his gay switch.)

    Mandrills Giving this man the gay

    “The gay switch” is often referenced as polyps in the parlance medical gibberish. Most times you don’t need to mention removing these gay switches or polyps to your physician. Your doctor will use something like a snake loop to wrangle that polyp and remove it. While he might suggest you are in a state of twilight wakefulness and try to persuade you with the ability to watch all the action on a monitor, GO FOR THE FULL KNOCK OUT! Just looking at a gay switch polyp might make you gay.

    Here’s a diagram you can print out and color while you are spending all that time in the john.

    Polyps mean gay switches

    Preparation

    Your doctor will go over all the preparation you need to ready yourself for the big day. It is crucial you follow these instructions EXACTLY the way they are presented.

    As a result of his instructions, be assured you will spend a lengthy amount of time on the throne. This is a good time to set up your instant view movie queue on the computer and maybe a small station of creature comforts in the bathroom.

    Some men find comfort in their wives attending to them before and after the procedure. This is a good time to reflect on any hidden passive aggressive tendencies your wife may harbor. Some wives have added vodka to their husband’s prep the day before for an extra cleansing boost and to minimize the crying. Do not let this happen! Your doctor will most likely recommend avoiding all alcohol and blood thinning medications a week prior to the procedure. Remember, you need to follow the doctor’s instructions exactly so you can get your gay switch removed.

    What If My Doctor Doesn’t Find Any Gay Switches?

    You, my friend, are fortunate. Say a prayer of thanks and praise for a clean bill of health and well being. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever develop a switch, but for now, you’re in tall cotton.

    Talk to Your Doctor About Music Selections During the Procedure

    Many doctors will play music while performing a revolving door of colostomies. Don’t let his musical tastes ruin all your hard preparation. While you are fasting and sitting on the throne in repose, make a CD for your big day. Include manly tunes that will target the straight heterosexual health of your colon.

    Keep a Diary or Journal of Your Experience and Share It

    You might “like” this article and include it on your facebook page along with your specific experience. Or share your experience with other Christian men. The preventative benefits of a colonoscopy is not something to be shy about.

    Getting a colonoscopy if you are in a risk group or are over forty is something nice you can do for yourself. Women in high risk groups should get a colonoscopy too, although they don’t seem to be as worried due to their natural inclination to follow directions. Getting your gay switch removed will give you piece of mind.

    It should be noted that for gays undertaking a colonoscopy, removal of the gay switch will not un-gay the gay that is done, it only means you will never be straight.

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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