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Will a Colonoscopy Make Me Gay?
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Approximately 1%-20% will emerge from the procedure with homosexual tendencies, about the same as general population tests for gay episodes. Straight men seem to harbor greater concerns of having their “gay switch” flipped during the procedure than straight women, probably due their Godly nature. After lifetime of faithful service as a one-way, exit-only traverse straight men fear their bodies may deceive them and begin a headfirst spiral into the gay agenda after receiving a colonoscopy. This serious concern is oftentimes rebuked by Doctors because as men, they have the same fears.
There are steps you can take to make sure your colonoscopy does not flip your gay switch. Taking these steps as well as following your doctor’s instructions exactly will guaranty you awake from the procedure with the peace of mind that both your colorectal and sexual health are as robust as when you began.
Have Your Gay Switch(es) Removed
“The gay switch” has enjoyed a near mythical popularity in straight male culture. Campfire stories retold at deer camp tell of men whose sexuality was involuntarily changed due to prison, a domineering wife or mandrill attack. (Check out the right hand corner mandrill giving the sweet neck massage to brave explorer’s African servant man while flipping his gay switch.)
“The gay switch” is often referenced as polyps in the parlance medical gibberish. Most times you don’t need to mention removing these gay switches or polyps to your physician. Your doctor will use something like a snake loop to wrangle that polyp and remove it. While he might suggest you are in a state of twilight wakefulness and try to persuade you with the ability to watch all the action on a monitor, GO FOR THE FULL KNOCK OUT! Just looking at a gay switch polyp might make you gay.
Here’s a diagram you can print out and color while you are spending all that time in the john.
Preparation
Your doctor will go over all the preparation you need to ready yourself for the big day. It is crucial you follow these instructions EXACTLY the way they are presented.
As a result of his instructions, be assured you will spend a lengthy amount of time on the throne. This is a good time to set up your instant view movie queue on the computer and maybe a small station of creature comforts in the bathroom.
Some men find comfort in their wives attending to them before and after the procedure. This is a good time to reflect on any hidden passive aggressive tendencies your wife may harbor. Some wives have added vodka to their husband’s prep the day before for an extra cleansing boost and to minimize the crying. Do not let this happen! Your doctor will most likely recommend avoiding all alcohol and blood thinning medications a week prior to the procedure. Remember, you need to follow the doctor’s instructions exactly so you can get your gay switch removed.
What If My Doctor Doesn’t Find Any Gay Switches?
You, my friend, are fortunate. Say a prayer of thanks and praise for a clean bill of health and well being. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever develop a switch, but for now, you’re in tall cotton.
Talk to Your Doctor About Music Selections During the Procedure
Many doctors will play music while performing a revolving door of colostomies. Don’t let his musical tastes ruin all your hard preparation. While you are fasting and sitting on the throne in repose, make a CD for your big day. Include manly tunes that will target the straight heterosexual health of your colon.
Keep a Diary or Journal of Your Experience and Share It
You might “like” this article and include it on your facebook page along with your specific experience. Or share your experience with other Christian men. The preventative benefits of a colonoscopy is not something to be shy about.
Getting a colonoscopy if you are in a risk group or are over forty is something nice you can do for yourself. Women in high risk groups should get a colonoscopy too, although they don’t seem to be as worried due to their natural inclination to follow directions. Getting your gay switch removed will give you piece of mind.
It should be noted that for gays undertaking a colonoscopy, removal of the gay switch will not un-gay the gay that is done, it only means you will never be straight.
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11:21 pm
Blance, your insight shines as much as your grace and beauty. For men over 50 I’ve found, it is especially tough for them weight out the annual prod versus the risk. The end game from what I tell them is if they enjoy it, they may need some psychological counseling and should also immediately discuss it with their wife and family.
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11:27 pm
Fantastic advice, Adam. Counseling with a pastor or deacon from church is always a good start.
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11:39 pm
Great read BB! You are reliable as a Christian mothers love for her child. I am told the twitters are already abuzz with your wisdom .
I remember vividly my first visit to the doctor where he “checked down there”. I wasn’t prepared for it and didn’t think it would ever happen to me.
Fortunately, my wife and I talked long about it afterwards and she forgave my transgressions. Although she did get a new Jeep out of it.
PC4U
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11:42 pm
PC4U2
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3:32 am
BB, this is a great post! The graphical charts really bring home the seriousness of this journalist piece.
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3:45 am
Pft.
There is no such thing as a “gay switch”. Yes, it’s a good thing to get a colonoscopy in order to ensure continued health, but a polyp isn’t a “gay switch”. It’s a polyp. Jeez.
Women don’t have a “natural inclination to follow directions”, by the way. Though, I guess that would explain your stupidity.
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12:13 pm
Blanche,
are you ever bothered when people like RD don’t get the message of joy and love that you are trying to minister to them? Can I get a witness?
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11:03 pm
Jerry,
Thanks for your kind post. I think the “bother” comes from the slacker mentality. It is as if the critical thinking skills have been removed and replaced with Pavlovian responses.
If a poster is say, I don’t know, a firm feminist-lesbian type that proclaims superior intelligence I would expect more on the constant reference to men as doctors in response to some articles.
Thank you again for your question.
Praise be,
BB
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4:38 pm
fuck sience and logic i got FAITH!!!!!!!!!
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11:58 pm
As my doctor was preparing his blunt instruments for my colonoscopy, the nurse put a Pet Shop Boys tape in the cassette player. I asked her to turn that shit off and play some Lynyrd.
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5:49 pm
… There is no such thing as a “gay switch”. You’re either gay or you aren’t, some people just don’t figure it out until later in life. They may already even have a spouse and kids before they realize it.
It is a known fact that the male g-spot is located in the prostate, which means that if I man can get past the “gayness” of having something inserted in his anus he is likely to enjoy it. This doesn’t make you a homosexual. It just means you get more pleasure out of sex.
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6:27 pm
Skins,
Thank you for the most laughable post of the day. My, you are jocular mind candy for the sugar-starved psyche of serious academic study. LOL I hope it doesn’t make one diabetic! LOL “There is no such thing” – I nearly wept with laughter.
You really nailed the satirical portrait of the liberal, atheist hipster! You are a riot! Thank you for making the interwebs so humorous on a serious subject.
Praise click!
BB
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6:26 pm
OK, first Christians say that Gays choose to be gay. Now you start talking about the doctor accidentally switching on your “gay switch”. And all of a sudden you where pastel, listen to Lady Gaga and watch Glee?
Kinda funny that God would create people with a gay switch if he doesn’t want you to be gay? I thought God was never wrong, and everything has a purpose. So maybe this means, that some people are meant to turn Gay.
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6:56 pm
Liz,
All babies are born perfect heterosexuals. Babies don’t have gay switches, although there are some very diseased pederasts that would travel to Asia to try and test this. I hope you are not one of them.
Gay switches are growths (sometimes called polyps) that grow in the large intestine due to genetics or “lifestyle” choices. Sure some of these choices may be the shows we choose to watch, but also include rich fatty French foods in the diet due to a Franco-phile preoccupation with ruffled cakes and sauces. While there is no way to tell if that the twinkie or creme anglaise will produce a polyp or gay switch, I think the potential “gay” and/or “cancer” resulting from the growth is something we all can agree needs to be addressed with swift removal.
Liz, as a woman, you might not be as concerned with the unexpected enjoyment of having a penis or colonoscope in your anus, but many men are very concerned. Talking with family and church friends is one way to ease this awkwardness and mentally prepare for a visit with one’s doctor.
Thanks for your post.
Kind regards,
BB
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9:43 pm
whoever believes this crap must be mental. i was not born a heterosexual. homosexuality is not something that happens when you hit a “switch” you only wish it was so that you have someone to blame. i was born a homosexual and i am proud of who i am and that i can stand up for my beliefs instead of following the retards who believe they are “doing gods work”. just listening to your crap makes me believe less and less in the human race.
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7:24 am
Thank you for a truly insightful article BB. One question though, if I were to push my pink, bulbous, manshaft into your tight, cherry, little rectum, and assuming you have butt polyps, will our uber hawt buttsexxorz make you lesbian?
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9:48 pm
This is…Utter Horseshit. What propaganda have you been force-fed? I can only imagine how your last Boyfriend announced that he was gay, to you, and it Shattered your life. Grow up you Fucking Inbred. God or not, he created us all in his image. God is never wrong, and he had a purpose for everything. Pious Christians like you are the ones that Burn in hell, for your hate-mongering and falsifications of the bible. I’m not even religious, and I believe god has more love and compassion then you do. Maybe you need to read the Bible again, Because you seem to have missed the point the first time you read it. Shall we all remain heterosexual, and overpopulate the earth? Was it gods plan for us to Fuck like rabbits, and run out of livable landmass? Your Logic is Stupid. Fucking Cunt.
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9:56 am
you imberciles. Is this the true extent of your american idiocity? A polyp is polyp for heavens sake, there is no such thing as a gay switch, it was probably dreamed up by the flaming homosexual who created this website/page as to divert attention from his/her own sexuality. Where I live, in the grand old country of great britain we follow science and the church of england not crack pot weirdos from across the pond who basically believe in witchcraft and shall serve time in hell for it!
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1:14 pm
Dear miss Blanchee Beecham,
You must be without doubt, the stupidest person I have ever encountered in my lifetime, and let us hope that you will be the only incredibly stupid person that i will ever encounter. No one can just become gay, you are not born a “perfect heterosexual”. Do you think 7 year olds randomly become gay as if they would choose to have a life where they are bullied until they wish to commit suicide? You are seriously twisted in your faith and I feel sincerely sorry for you. and for whoever wrote this completely idiotic post NO A COLONOSCOPY WILL NOT MAKE YOU GAY, STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
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