Will Your Diet Send You On A Road To Damnation?

I rubbed this picture on a pig before I posted it

My Columns here at Christwire have made me somewhat of a celebrity, and as such I get many questions from concerned Christians and Conservatives on a day to day basis. Most of them have to be chided, even the pastors, for their lack of true Christian Conservative ideals. However, some bring up good points. One question I have gotten a lot lately is concerning diet: can what I eat send me to Hell?

The Bible says yes. And so do privatized health care representatives.

In Leviticus God told Moses not to eat pigs. I’m not going to quote the passage here because that would be pretentious of me to think that you do not already know what it says. But does that apply to Americans? No, and I’ll tell you why…

God was talking about unclean animals. Arabs of the time, and some still to this day, have unclean farming habits. Their American counterparts, by contrast, have a much cleaner and more sanitary approach to raising animals for consumption. Any farm animal raised in the US is raised with pride by decent hard working people. God realized that when he created America and knows we need bacon with our eggs in the morning.

Kosher bacon, however, will get you sent straight to Hell along with the rest of your Jewish Jesus-killing friends.

Muslims don’t eat pork, but not because of their blasphemous Koran. They go on crash diets so they can lose enough weight to hide the bombs they strap to themselves. This explains their holiday ‘Ramadam’ and the increased terrorist attacks immediately thereafter.

But what about the Jews and their ‘Kosher’ food? All that stuff is witchcraft and mumbo jumbo. Jesus never said anything about fancy dressings for your vittles. Eating any of it is a one way ticket to the eternal furnace for believing in magic. The same thing goes if you don’t have a Ham on Christmas.

The Catholics like to celebrate ‘Lent’, which is a heathen custom along the lines of Ramadam. No where in a Christian Bible does Jesus deem Americans be forced to live like third world peasants. Only liberals think their own suffering makes them any better than anyone else. Participating in such things is a good way to not only to lose a spot in Heaven but to also have your name smacked on a Communist blacklist.