• How to Measure Taint

    April 4, 2011 10:18 pm 65 comments

    Recently the results of a study of taint measurements was released that revealed a corollary between the distance between the scrotal sack and the anus to human fertility in males.

    Since we are enjoying the final four game with several Christian men as well as some confused Atheists, I thought it would be a good time to take some measurements from the field as well as run a cross analysis of those findings with the data array from the original study. As my friends all know, I love working with numbers and science is a casual pastime.

    What I discovered was amazing. Not only is larger taint a sign of vigorous fertility, but it is also a sign of Godliness and more reliably, spiritual maturity.

    How to Measure Taint At Home

    1.) First, thoroughly wash your hands in warm soapy water. I like to sing “How Great Thou Art” to ensure enough time has passed during the cleansing to remove pollutants and residue.

    2.) Make sure you have your equipment.

    You will need gloves for those that request them. I’m not sure why some asked if I had any, but if it gives them comfort to wear them I have no issue obliging the “subject”.

    You will need a flexible tape measure. I used a quilting tape after the hardware metal tape measure nearly ruined the chances for Justin (not his real name) to ever be a Daddy when he received a nasty slice. I used the automatic recoil button too soon in the process and learned quickly from the mistake. Flexible fabric tape measures will not leave a mark, so I feel this is an appropriate. I also do not recommend what is called a “straight edge” for hygienic concerns.

    You will need to cloak yourself in the scientific method. While it would be easy to approach this task in a friendly manner, this is for science so a terse and professional demeanor is required. Refer to the men as “subject 100” or “TS100”. This will create a clinical environment to take the measurements and adds credibility to the study.

    You will also need a small flash light. I used some duct tape and a book light, but a discreet light source is helpful as well as reading glasses if you need them. Remember your accuracy is dependent on the precision of your measurements so you need to take precautions for the sake of the study.

    Baby wipes are also helpful for the more wiping challenged of the group.

    3.) You will also need a clipboard to write down your findings. Paper and pencil is great for this. It was suggested that we use TS107’s iPhone to simply take pictures and find an iTaint application, but it just didn’t seem to have the quality controls demanded for this study.

    4.) Take a deep breath, it is time to measure. Okay, the first one was pretty tough. I asked TS101 (I practiced on the dog first, so he was TS100) to get on all fours and ‘stay’. He forgot to remove his trousers so we had to start over after he dropped his drawers. When the subject is in the all fours position, the Clinician will need to make sure his knees are far enough apart to get a measurement. Refer the subject to the baby wipes at this point if required.

    5.) Measuring from the base of the scrotal sack to the center of the anus sounds easy, but it is isn’t. This is living tissue and sometimes the subject will turn his head around like one of those cockpit photos NASA takes before the Space Shuttle launches. It can disturb a person trying to do science!

    6.) Once you have the measurements it is best not to reveal them to the subject. First, men are competitive and since this was being done in a game day atmosphere, I didn’t think it was fair to create any undo ill will. I did give them the data set to speculate upon and as proof of participation.

    7.) Analyze the data. If you are familiar with some of the spreadsheet programs like SuperCalc or VisiCalc it should be a breeze. From my graph below, one can see that the Christian men had much larger taint measurements than the short shifted Atheists.

    If anyone has additional data they would like to present, please comment below.

    Graph of the Study

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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