• Jersey Shore’s The Situation Makes $5 Million Per Year

    April 11, 2011 4:32 pm 26 comments


    There used to be a show named The Power Puff Girls.  Blossom was the leader, followed by her sisters Bubbles and Buttercup.  As if on a Kitchen Nightmares episode featuring the culinary skills of Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, wielding Tiger’s Blood, flank steak and the powderings of Rick James cocaine laced ashes, Professor Utonium somehow created a master-mix of chemicals that created superpowered heroines.   They used to fight demonic creatures on there, perhaps the most notorious being  prominently called the Gangrene Gang (thanks, readers!). 

    The show was watched by the late 90s generation, soon falling off the stage when people realized there was probably better things to do than watch latenight cartoon network.  Being swamp-muck thriving single celled organisms, naturally the Amoeba boys threw giant self orgies and multiplied, increasing the size of their crime family and the need for money.  Then, they struck it big!  VH1, where are they now?

    You can see the original Amoeba cast still looks strong aside their offspring, the most notable being Snooki’s dyeing her hair from orange to black.

    Of all of these people, there is a slickster who stands out most.  He calls himself the situation and is as slimy as ever.  By flexing paint on abs and orange tinted skin, this guy is making $5 million a year.

    There is something wrong in America, when you can start out life as a little swimmer, diving into a random egg in a woman you have not yet called mom.  Nine months later, your parents look upon you with smiling eyes and huge dreams.

    Growing up, you have ambitions.  Perhaps you really enjoy setting up the school’s bully for detention and a round with a group of disgruntled teenagers, further getting said bully into trouble with the law of the school.  Maybe it’s that you took pride in bandaging up a good friend who was clobbered in the face with a baseball at recess.

    Your passion is born and after getting through formative school, you go on to college to become a lawyer or doctor.  Your parents aren’t rich, you take out loans and work day and night in crappy jobs, just to make ends meet.  You gruel through long hours in a library when you are not working, because hey, you have to study to live out your dreams.

    Then the big day.  Mom and Dad have raised you to a great person.  You have proven your dedication through long hours or hard work and study.  Sallie Mae calls you every day so you will keep paying back your massive loan debt on time.  And then, you get a lifetime of 100s of court cases or patient after patient in the emergency room, sick and sometimes at the point of death, while trying to balance out life with a family.  You may make, maybe if you’re lucky, $300,000.00 a year.  But you will have to work hard for it, and not forget, you still have a family and friends to love and be there for as well.

    Then, on the other side of reality, a cock faced guy calling himself The Situation and having the stress of a day be that he ran out of a vat of hair gel, making $5 million dollars.

    What is wrong with America?  Is it because Obama cannot tell right from left, takes a vacation during a budget crisis and flip-flops more than a jack makerel snorting-X and left to a sandy fate of sun-dried demise?  Is it because terrorists are terrorizing our dreams and Mexicans jumping our boarders?  George Carlin?  Satan tickling our children’s dreams with naughty feathers by night and promises of chocolate laced carnality by day?  Maybe.

    But moreso than anything, when we have people like The Situation and the entire crew of Jersey Shore making at least $100,000 an episode and multi-millions due to endorsements per year, and people continue to suppor this with viewership, we deserve to have a handbasket to hell reserved for this society.

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    Jerry Cohen JP Cohen

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