The following letter is a welcoming missive I personally delivered to our new neighbors with a basket of my special homemade dog treats and fudge for the children. While most normal people would respond with a kind note of thanks or maybe an invitation for some sweet tea on the porch, these people have done nothing.
I am beginning to suspect they might be members of the White Trash Nation, or is social etiquette just something that is perceived as old fashioned?
Dear New Neighbors,
Congratulations on your recent move to the neighborhood. I’m guessing you are self employed as a notary public. I can see from my telescope the parade of citizens visiting your home for brief 5 minute visits. While no doubt obtaining your witness on non-contentious legal documents, these visitors are varied and dubious characters. I’m glad to see self-employment is keeping you off the government teat as it were.
One can’t help but notice you own a fine, pregnant example of the Pit Bull as well as a large Labrador. I’ve heard the Pit is a noble mascot for the white trash nation enjoys great popularity with your people, as a loving pet and protector of treasures held in your newly rented estate.
One can also tell you are very familiar with the Pit breed’s character and well-deserved reputation for blood sport. Bred for a high prey drive, the Pit Bull requires the abject neglect and absence of any observable training or attention you’ve provided to elevate the stalking and dog aggressive aspects of the animal’s nature. Everyone, unfortunately, must live I always say.
I believe you will find the number of active children; number of small dog owners; close proximity to the walking park where leashed dogs and unleashed children run and play and flimsy fencing surrounding the property will result in a symbiosis that benefits and exploits the prey drive characteristic of your neglected, stressed and pregnant Pit Bull. I must also add that keeping the unsupervised animal in a prong collar is an interesting achievement of daring in the face of common wisdom held by silly so called “animal behaviorists”.
As discussed with your handyman, I was thrilled to see initial repairs being made on the fence. While reviewing the contractor’s work, I noticed both dogs lunging, barking and simultaneously defecating as 70 year old Mr. Schneider was walking is 12 pound Jack Russell to the park.
Later the same day of the repairs, I noticed the Lab escaped your enclosed property and was struck by a car, also killing the dog he was chasing. I offer my deepest condolences for your loss. Since it appears the Pit may have whelped recently, I also congratulate you on your new additions.
I’m sure the death of the Lab isn’t your fault and is just jealous projection by those uneducated in the fine qualities of the Pit Bull. Some people are so judgmental. One must set aside the ridiculous notion the Pit Bull breed is exclusively dangerous and turn our attention to responsible owners like you who quietly promote the breed as leaders of liberty and freedom for all.
Again, warm welcoming wishes to you and your extended family.
Mrs. Blanche Beecham