• A Christian Guide to a Green Lawn

    May 27, 2011 6:10 pm 29 comments
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  • Spring is firmly entrenched in all of America now, the darkness that was the month of February is far behind us. Now that Memorial Day weekend is here, it’s time for millions of Christian men to start taking their yard care duties to the next level.


    There are some things people will gauge you on as a Christian male; the quality of your wife, how good your kids are at sports, where you went to college, what kind of car you drive, and how green your lawn is. A perfect looking lawn is a sign of a perfect relationship with Christ. Here are some keys too keeping that relationship green.


    Use lots of water
    One of first rules to keeping your grass green is to use lots of water. More water means deep healthy roots on the soil. No amount of water is too much, I can’t stress that enough. Some people live in areas where water restrictions are in place. Most of these water restrictions are not metered; therefore the only way they can enforce it is to visually catch you watering. This can be easily subverted by watering very early in the morning. In areas where water consumption is metered you can purchase water from your neighbors or set up a collection and storage system for gutter runoff.

    Irrigation Systems


    Moving sprinklers and hoses around a lawn is a waste of time and effort and is more suited for the poor and Hispanic. Hoses also are messy looking; they lower property values almost as much as Africans that won the lottery moving in to the neighborhood. A quality underground irrigation system will make sure your lawn is watered in the middle of the night and while you are on vacation.

    Use a lot of chemicals

    A healthy lawn needs nutrients. Make sure to fertilize your lawn often. A well fed lawn is greener and has a thicker more comfortable feel to it. Many manufacturers recommend fertilizing quarterly. I find fertilizing every 2-3 weeks to be a very profitable endeavor. Many fertilizers are artificial and made from petroleum byproducts. These are the best ones to use! In addition to being good for our economy they are engineered by some of the great American chemical companies to be much more efficient than natural fertilizers. Look for fertilizers from the following companies:

    PPG industries

    Make sure to avoid natural or organic fertilizers. These provide little to no benefit and often contain human fecal matter resulting in giardiasis in people that come in contact with your lawn.

    A proper amount of herbicides and pesticides are very important too. Weeds did not exist in the Garden of Eden and should not be present in a Caucasian Christian lawn. These weeds are a sign of the sin of man and healthy applications of chemicals will keep them at bay. The same goes for bugs. A healthy application of pesticide will kill any insects or arachnids that try to make your property their home.

    Proper lawn equipment
    You wouldn’t buy a Japanese bible, so why would you purchase a Japanese lawnmower? No one knows grass like a proper American company. Companies like Snapper and craftsman provide proper made in America mowers guaranteed to give your lawn that proper American look.


    “The Made in America: Snapper CP21850 the pinnacle of Caucasian technology.”

    Make sure your mower has a proper engine likes a Briggs and Stratton. Honda engines are communist designs that may be efficient, but lack the raw thunder of a American engine.
    Electric Mowers are inefficient liberal tools. Having to charge your mower or drag an extension cord around the lawn makes you look Scandinavian. A proper internal combustion engine is required to produce the power needed to get a clean smooth cut.

    Bagging vs. Mulching
    Many people will recommend you mulch your grass and leave it on the lawn. The theory is that it returns nutrients to the soil and saves on bagging and landfill space. Mulching is a bad idea. Mulched lawns leave little bits of grass behind which can get on shoes and clothing to be tracked inside. They also blow around leaving an unsightly mess on your sidewalks and driveway. Bagging and throwing away is the proper way to deal with grass clippings.

    Who you hire
    Some people like to hire someone to take care of their lawn. There are many reasons to do this; however one must understand that no one can care for your lawn like you can.
    not a good idea

    There are many Mexican lawn services available in most communities, but you need to ask yourself a question before you hire a Mexican to care for your lawn. Have you ever seen a Mexican with a nicer yard than yours? No you haven’t. You can’t expect them to do as good a job as you can. Some people hire Asians, they are more expensive than Mexicans and some appear to have fairly well done yards themselves. But unless you want Koi ponds, Kamikaze trees and Zen gardens, its best to do it yourself or hire a Caucasian neighbor kid.

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    About The Author
    Senator August Weisz Retired Hydroelectric Engineer. Now spend my time helping others who won’t help themselves. http://christwire.org/august-weisz-biography MA

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