• After Ten Years, Why is Tom Welling Still in Superman Denial? #TomWelling

    May 6, 2011 4:27 am 9 comments
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  • Smallville is a shocking teen drama that debuted on the old WB Network, surprising audiences with its non-African-American cast headlined by Steve Harley or the Wayans Brothers.

    Smallville was to be something new, a look into the life of a teenaged Clark Kent — the future Superman of tomorrow — with teenage angst of a small town life.

    As the show progressed, so did its core audience.  Its target 16 – 32 year old demographic aged, going from college into the deep throes of mundane adult life, looking to their decade old show to bring them one hope:  the day Superman will fly.

    Welling, however, is a pretty boy and is not concerned about fans.  In fact, when the show started Welling insisted on a “No Flights, No Tights” rule because he refused to be typcaseted as the hero of America and the man of tomorrow.

    Last week, DC Comics announced Superman would become the Red Son.  He would literally denounce America in a comic and show that he is a true alien traitor.  DC Comics may think the symbolism is smartsy and a great political statement, but I posit that is proves exactly why we must never trust illegal Mexicans.

    On point, Tom Welling.

    As we can see, Tom Welling is a knock-off pretty boy of Twilight persuasion.  Opting to take photo ops in a grayscale, the sin of this man’s libido is evident by his juggalo opening in his zoot suit.  Is this a true savior for mankind or a savoring womanizer?

    Superman is a character whose supposed to be all about power and inspiration.  Superman is the mighty Executive arm of America, waiting to slap down with an unpredented strength upon any evil that dares challenge our sovereign rule over mankind.

    That is what the Shuster Brothers wanted to create when creating Superman.  A symbol for America crushing the Nazis, striking fear into the Soviets and letting all of Europe know that the world had a new savior, and its name was America.  Superman is not a Christ symbol, as some atheists will try to say.  But rather, Superman is a patriotic symbol.

    But sadly, we see the latest Supermen have failed to live up to George Reeve.

    George Reeves Superman

    George Reeves Superman had the build of your father after a heaping plateful of Thanksgiving dinner.  Beyond the belches of stale whiskey and mashed potatoes, with the slightest hint of a turkey leg disappeared, you knew a drunken tango with father would only end in pain and suffering.  Drunk and stuffed, he could still put a good ol’ fashioned country by whoopin on any back talker.

    George Reeves symbolized the man strength of America.  There was nothing chisled or dramatically vampirish about his build.  He was just brawn:  steak and taters cornfed midwest beefcake.  That is why the Shuster brothers created Superman as a Midwest farmboy.  He’s a testament to the conservative values of middle America and the muscle that is built from strong work ethic and dedication to enforcing decency in morality.

    Tom Welling shies away from this image, opting for tight leather pants and black tshirst with the Superman symbol adorning it in emo fashion.

    Christoper Reeve Superman

    Reeve was a class act of Superman.  Acting in Superman I and II, Christopher Reeve sat in motion the greatest movie franchise of all time.  Fans of all Marvel and DC films should thank Reeve for his making everyone believe ” a man could fly” and furthermore “a man does not really need to have a complex costume to hide from the public if he has 100 powers, one of which includes crazy laser eyes.”

    In the movie, Reeve wasted no time becoming the Man of Steel.  He left Smallville, hopped into a learning chamber and in what can only make sense to the members of Pink Floyd after falling nose first in a vat full of cocaine laced acid dust, went through a space montage of infinite knowledge that was narrated by Marlon Brando.

    And then Superman emerges.  He scrogged Lois, smiled for the camera and superpunched a bully at a diner.  That is how it’s done.  He also made friends with Richard Pryor, who is a way better Pete Ross archetype as ‘random black friend in the Midwest’.

    Again, we see Welling falls short.  Reeves ruggedness capped off by an icy blue stare is patent American machisimo personified.  Welling, again, is up there wearing his Team Edward suit and trying to make his face more gaunt than a Russian model.

    John Haymes

    No many of you young fans out there are going to cry and coul shenanigans.  You’ll alrady be in an adolescent rage because we’re calling Tom Welling out on some longstanding douche behavior.

    Ditching your fans and trying to claim you’re not a Superman typecast after acting as the title character of Smallville, for ten years, is just pretty lame.  Puckering lips and squinting your eyes as you look into the Sun is meant for Zoolander, not the show that details the life and times of the Man of Steel.

    Yet, Welling refuses to relent.  He is relentless in his quest to not let Superman fly.  But what is not flying is the stuffed mimis of what we have above, John Haymes.

    In the late 80s – 90s, there was a show called Superboy.  Superboy liked to stuff tube socks down his pants and show off skills that were better fitted to an After School Special’s everyone is a thespian day marathon.

    That is to say, the show had poor acting and a worse budget.  But it is classic.  It is during this time that Superman went from a farm boy rugged prettiness to a Mexican Meztizo look.  He looks like he might have some Spanish tainting and the demise of the character into a Twilight pretty boy wins.  Did Jacob manage to back straddle Edward and this abomination popped out.  Who knows?

    It would have been a better plot turn in Superman Returns than seeing the ‘action ponit’ being Superman lifting a giant chunk of island and Lex’s lack of toupe inducing crystals leaving another bald plot to annoy us all with mundane criminal antics.

    But before we can get there, we must make one crucial pit stop.

    Dean Cain Superman

    It was very hard to find an image of Dean Cain with his shirt on.  A plot point of Lois and Clark, the New Adventures of Superman, was to have Dean Cain find new and creative ways to answer his door or start a scene somewhat dripping wet, as he is wearing only a towel.

    That is one sign of being a pretty boy Spaniard.  Answering anything in just a towel and dripping wet is a common site in the barrios of LA and the Bronx.  You’d think America had a Superman army if slick haired, squinty eyed Sanchos flying around were the golden knight standard of being a super hero.

    If I were a fine citizen of fair Metropolis, and the big mariachi bird was above was flying overhead, I’d run and scream in panic.  When did the Mexicans learn to fly and shoot cold breath from their mouths! 

    It’d be very scary, until Lois started eating frogs and it cloned her.  One Terri Hatcher is more than enough for society.  This Dean Cain was somewhat whipped by Hatcher’s moist massager, but hey, who would’t be.  She was not that desperate back then.  Plus, if we’re to believe the plot of the next movie, combing a Mexican Superman with Hatchers thighs would produce us 100s of little Superheros for dead beat dad Man to come home to.

    I wish Batman were somehow secretly hiding behind the white light of this photo, emerging a strong kryptonite laced arm and smacking the pretty face of this Soap Opera model until he agreed to not sign the contract.

    Yes, he managed to look the part of Reeves, if you consider shopping a Kmart and Bloomingdales the same experience.  This is a generic, Kmart special Superman.

    He was a deadbeat dad.  He was a stalker.  He didn’t look Mexican though, but oh, he was also bested once again by a hairless, no brainer scheme by Lex Luthor.

    This Superman had no heart for action and Kate Beckinsale must have been a surprisingly stiff lay for, you know, giving up being the most powerful being on Earth, capable of reversing time itself by just flying around the world really fast, all topped off by being able to yell in the vacuum of space. 

    Maybe that’s why he is a deadbeat.

    Henry Cavill.  Clenched jaw.  Angst filled chin juts.  Cheeks ridgier than Steven Tyler after a plastic surgery binge to hide geriatric age.  Lips that pout.

    This is the upcoming face of Superman.  “The Man of Steel”, also being billed as “Superman for the Twilight Age” is flying into a theater near you in 2012.

    That image above should scare any traditional Superman fans.  Again, Batman is likely shaking his head in disgust and figuring out new ways to Bogart Superman’s powers.  Frank Miller is always just a penstroke away from erotica and finding new ways to make Superman get bested by the bat.

    And that’s what we need here.  Bats for everyone, to knock these pretty faces up a bit and return some rugged grittiness to Superman.  Why is Tom Welling not donning the suit?

    It is because he’s a pretty boy, concerned about his modeling career.  How this hurt his film career that’s consisted of mediocre family movies and ten years of puckering his lips as Tom Welling masquerading as a misplaced farm boy in the Big City.

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    About The Author
    Thad Connely The gentleman of choice, Thad Connely brings experience of two familial generations of news coverage and hard biting reports.

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