• Bloodninja: Portrait of a Christian Hero

    May 9, 2011 5:29 pm 25 comments

    Over a few week period we will be honoring ten of the greatest Christian heroes with a short 30 second read.

    In our last report we profiled one of the bravest American Christians of all time.

    This time we profile someone who actually fought on the frontlines of the sinful internet..

    History
    Bloodninja — A pseudonym for an Internet hero best known for preventing online sexual conversations. He would interrupt young women looking to masturbate to online messaging discussions of a sexual nature. Once involved and engaged he would prevent masturbation sin.sinner

    Christian Values
    Because of his efforts thousands of girls were denied online masturbatory experiences.

    Here are some examples of how he did it:

    {bloodninja}Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
    {BritneySpears14} Aight.
    {bloodninja} Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
    {BritneySpears14} I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
    {bloodninja} Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
    {BritneySpears14} Oh, I like to play dress up.
    {bloodninja} Me too baby.
    {BritneySpears14} I kiss you softly on your chest.
    {bloodninja} I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
    {BritneySpears14} Hey…
    {bloodninja} I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
    {BritneySpears14} Funny I still don’t see it.
    {bloodninja} I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty sex of the Beyondness.
    {BritneySpears14} You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
    {bloodninja} Don’t mess with me girl, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
    {bloodninja} I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
    {BritneySpears14} Don’t ever message me again you piece of ****.
    {bloodninja} Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
    {bloodninja} King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
    {bloodninja} You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
    {bloodninja} Baby?

    {Bloodninja} I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
    {Sarah19fca} mmmm, okay.
    {Bloodninja} I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
    {Sarah19fca} Yeah I like it rough.
    {Bloodninja} I smack you thick booty.
    {Sarah19fca} Oh yeah, that feels good.
    {Bloodninja} Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
    {Bloodninja} I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O’ Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
    {Sarah19fca} you like that?
    {Bloodninja} I peel some bananas.
    {Sarah19fca} Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
    {Bloodninja} get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
    {Sarah19fca} Peanuts?
    {Bloodninja} Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
    {Sarah19fca} What are you talking about?
    {Bloodninja} I’m spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
    {Sarah19fca} This is stupid.
    {Bloodninja} Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
    {Bloodninja} Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
    {Bloodninja} Yeeaahhhh.
    {Sarah19fca} /ignore
    {Bloodninja} Its cool stone cold she wasn’t fun anyway.
    {Bloodninja} We get on harleys and ride into the sunset

    {BritneySpears14} Ok, are you ready?
    {eminemBNJA} Aight, yeah I’m ready.
    {BritneySpears14} I like your music Em… Tee hee.
    {eminemBNJA} huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
    {BritneySpears14} Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
    {BritneySpears14} I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
    {eminemBNJA} Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
    {BritneySpears14} What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
    {eminemBNJA} Oh ****
    {BritneySpears14} I swear if you do it one more time I’m gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
    {eminemBNJA} Oh ****
    {eminemBNJA} damn I gotta write down your names or something

    .

    Controversy
    Many people attempted to claim they were him. They used various names and caused a backlash in the online community. It got so bad that girls in Massachusetts were pretending they were attractive online and lying about their education. These controversies forced Bloodninja into retirement.

    Redemption
    He is credited with hundreds if not thousands of young women being saved from sinful masturbation.

    Christian Heroes reported so far
    Big Ben Roethlisberger.
    Marshal Mathers III.
    Harrison Ford.
    Michael Richards.

    ..
    .MA

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    About The Author
    Senator August Weisz Retired Hydroelectric Engineer. Now spend my time helping others who won’t help themselves. http://christwire.org/august-weisz-biography MA

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