• Donald Trump and Audrina Patridge To Release Kissing Sex Tape Scandal? Scheming Amway Antics Included?

    May 6, 2011 5:15 pm 2 comments
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  • Donald Trump Slipping Painfully Fast in the Polls, Trying to Slide Back up With Sex Tape Scandal Involving Audrina Patridge?

    Now that President Obama has killed Osama with one hand and roasted The Don with the other, Team Trump’s presidential campaign team is rightfully nervous.

    As if it’s not enough that Obama is a double-threat with his ability to latently pull the “Race Card” and the Oprah Bump to gain numbers of black and woman supporters, respectively, now all liberal college aged students are crediting Obama for the downfall of America’s 3rd greatest enemy, behind the scary dragon empire Chinese and Satan himself.

    Trump cannot run a clean campaign against such antics.   The DrudgeReport reports that Ron Paul, the notorious Dr. No of the House, right now has the best chance of running against Obama.  And trust, no one wants the kooky libertarian in office.  It’d be like letting senile Grandpa Jones from Charlie and the Chocolate factory have a presidential pen and authority on international policy.  Burping would be hand by all and purple girls with too much money would shoot down factory shoots, it’d be a chaotic mess and we’re better left with Obama’s chocolate rule than that.

    But I digress, I digress.  The scandal is being planned out and if the American people could forgive Bill Clinton for his infidelity, cheating with interns and secretaries, why would we not be able to forgive Donald Trump for a little geriatric swishing on tape?

    Donald Trump and Lynn Patridge kiss

    This is the cover shot.  A Naughty Day in the Office is the working title and in the opening shot, you can see Donald is in a very lavish layer of lude luring.  He’s making his moves on Audrina as her mother, Lynn, is in a pink peacoat and eagerly cheering on what could be the start of a broken marriage, a bastard child and endless money after the requisite divorce.

    But we must look deeper into the strategic nature of this issue.  Is is just a cheap ‘scandal’ where Trump will air his old teabags and steep them in the Patridge’s sin kettle for all to see?  Or is there something even more shocking in the works.

    With Trump, we must assume it will be shocking and calculated.  Polticians and professional hookers releasing sex tapes is not shocking.  John Edwards can tell you that.

    But what is interesting to consider here is that to be President, you need a wife who looks good on camera.  Trump will have to compensate for his divorces.  America is much like The Royals:  one divorce can have you outcasted from your rightful spot as king.  And while Prince Charles is likely too much a big eared wuss and follow in his family tradition of murdering the son prince trying to usurp his throne in a glorious sword battle, which I would pay big money to see, we’re instead stuck with soft palletes of Royal Weddings and a plain looking princess with a backwoods Wasilla caliber family.  Again, I digress.

    We’re talking about Donald Trump today and his coming sex tape.  Donald is going to do this, friends.  He’s going to rodger Patridge’s dodger, then announce that he wants to marry this woman.  We will have footage of what will be taking place in the Rotunda by day and Lincoln’s bedroom by night.  And the public will love Trump for this.

    Trump needs a pretty woman to hang on his arm and wear pearls, so we’re distracted from his combover and face that screams “Alert:  Scheming Amway Pyramid Scheme Salesman”.  That’s what he looks like.

    Faces of Amway Salesmen

    Amway is a company that sells professional pyramid scheme, according to any person who joined it and found out those very facts.

    The product you sell is convincing your friends to give you $200 dollars to buy overpriced commodities from you:  $12 mouthwash.  $8 eyeliner.  $50 diapers for the little one, with $4 complimentary wipes by the individual pack.  But in all of this, there is the biggest selling ptich of all.  You and your wife have to take a snapshot picture, as if you were captured off-guard during a bad 80s infomercial vacation.

    There’s that billion dollar Amway grin.  There is a term called sh**-eating grin and that’s exactly what we see here.

    Americans like people who look like this.  It tells you that they live a shallow life of early-morning wakeups to soak in a jet spa bathtub, while crusing to work to boss around everyone in your department.  Their day is ruined if Starbucks line is too long.  Their awkward island tans always stand out in the brunt of winter.

    These are the schemers of our society and while Trump is a man of questionable morals, a good old fashioned pyramid scheme is excatly what America needs right now.  We need to convince our friends, our allied countries, to invest in us.  Everyone knows not to loan money to a black guy, you’ll never see it again.

    But the faces of the Amway Diamonds we see above, that’s where people will throw their cash for no reason.  It’s just like World War II, without the whole watching Europe destroy itself so we could get rich of material and monetary loans.  This time, we’ll just let Trump schmooze and win them over to giving us money.  It can’t go wrong.

    I fully support this sex tape scandal because the ends justify the means here.  We need to save America from another four-years of darkness.  Trump is the light and is the best candidate, and I think his photo shows exactly why.  It’s a scheme in the making and one I’ll gladly sign up to join.

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    About The Author
    Bren Langford Born and raised in SoCal, Bren Langford is currently a student, lifeguard and lifestyle editor for ChristWire Campus Weekly.

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