NEW YORK – On May 21, 2011, Christians will blissfully ascend through the air to meet Christ in his heavenly kingdom; The Rapture is at hand. While many of us are busy preparing for this impending juncture towards an apocalyptic world, sinners have delighted in an announcement this week that the consequential increase in available housing will further drive-down prices in the housing market.
“We’re looking at huge price drops for homes, especially in rural areas.” Said Logan River Raistlin, a real estate expert and Mormon demographist. “The state of Utah is expected to drop from a population of 2.3 million, to about three or four individuals. This means more housing, for less people.” Raistlin’s Utah statistics are a tiny indication of what is expected in most of the Southern and Western United States.
In 1994, when the initial Rapture was predicted to take place, our merciful God provided an extension to man’s sorrowful existence on Earth. Heathens had seventeen years to atone for their sins. Instead, up and down the hellmouth that is commonly referred to as the East Coast, they have been developing strategies to capitalize on the looming catastrophe.
Sodomites Richard Rimmer of New York and his partner in perversion Jan Bottoms have been saving their pennies for the day it happens. “Jan and I have always wanted a quaint little cottage on a bucolic farm outside Salk Lake City,” says Rimmer, “we can’t wait to have the town to ourselves.”
It may not come as a surprise that dropping housing prices haven’t pleased everyone. The Republican congressman from Texas, Larse Smiths, has expressed that he, along with many of his colleagues, fear a huge shift in their voting base. This is due to the forthcoming influx of Muslims, Jews, and Homosexuals into their districts. Also, few Republicans, aside from those working in government, are expected to be present after The Rapture takes place.
U.S. Population Density and Expected Migration Patterns:
Opportunistic idolaters living on the outskirts of major cities won’t benefit either. Tequan Guitterez and his wife Jemimi have been trying to buy an apartment in New York for years. Sources report that due to high levels of homosexual deviants and recent increases in violent video games, cities such as New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Miami Beach will remain relatively unaffected.
“Everyone seems to benefit from the Rapture except my husband, and twelve children,” says Jemimi, “if we’re not going to have a place at the right hand of God, the least we can ask for is a reasonable price on an apartment in Manhattan.”