Is My Child Having Sex?
Sexual activity among teens and twentysomethings has become epidemic in America. We live in a culture that seems to view promiscuity as essential to a child’s success with his or her peers. Music and television celebrities promote fornication at every turn. The internet has made “hooking up” faster and easier than ever. Many parents are afraid to discuss the topic for fear of alienating their kids, while others are simply blind to the fact that intimacy could be happening at this precise moment, in their very homes. Children themselves are utterly confused about intercourse, with most claiming that oral genital stimulation, digital penetration and mutual masturbation do not constitute “sex.”
Time and again, studies have shown that the most common and reliable deterrent against premarital sex is “religion or morals.” This is welcome news to Christian parents today, but is it enough? Teenage minds are no match for teenage hormones! Celibacy and the sacred marriage covenant are rarely taught in our schools. The communal dormitory experience of college life can affect the ethical stamina of our young students. Chronic masturbation has become so widespread that very few people have the courage to speak out against its inherent risks. “Sexting” on cellphones and erotic video chatting have become rites of passage on campuses across the nation. Our college kids encounter a host of dangerous multicultural habits when they’re away from their families, habits that can certainly come home to roost!
As many adults have learned, premature sexual activity is often a warning sign of larger underlying problems, from drug use to mental disorders. Once a teen or twentysomething has been lured into sensual experimentation, it is very difficult to rein them in. Unfortunately, a simple doctor’s visit is not enough to tell if a child is having sex. To help your young ones navigate these difficult issues, we have put together a list of warning signs to look for. In the end, it is vital that parents practice a loving but vigilant approach to insure that their children successfully mature into healthy, principled adults.
What Are the Signs That My Child May Be Secretly Thinking About Trying Sexual Intercourse?
1) Pairing off with a single person: As a child moves away from his or her peer group to a one-on-one dynamic with an individual, the potential for intimate impropriety grows exponentially.
2) Lack of appreciation for the family’s values: Look for a lessening interest in worship activities, sibling play and family functions.
3) Recently changed email or Facebook password: Teens will lay the groundwork for a secret experience by shutting parents out of their online social life. You will also notice an unusual spike in the usage of inappropriate websites such as Craigslist, FourSquare, Chatroulette and Grinder.
4) Sudden increase in frequency of masturbation: As kids plan for sexual contact, the fantasy world they inhabit becomes a larger part of their emotional lives, particularly during the prime hormonal seasons of spring and summer.
5) For girls, sexually revealing clothing fashions: Low-cut skirts, short denim shorts, string bikinis, elastic-type clothing. Mothers should not be pressured into buying such clothing because “everyone is doing it”!
6) For boys, switching underwear styles: This may come as a surprise, but boys in the early stages of sexual prowling often make a shift from one underwear type to another. Some go from briefs to boxers to allow for easier access during oral copulation. Others select tighter pouch briefs, low-rise trunks, jockstraps or the homoeroticized Calvin Klein brand in an attempt to impress a potential mate with the firm, abundant shape of their private areas.
7) Use of cryptic internet slang: 8, 420, CD9, BDSM, GNOC, H4T, JSM, PNP, WS, VGL are all keywords parents need to be on the lookout for. See a complete list of terms and definitions here.
8) New, older friends: Most parents are aware that this is an issue for girls who have older male friends, but boys who become chummy with that sporty, festive guy down the street are also at risk. Homosexuals use the trick of athletic teams and sports outings to groom a boy for surreptitious erotic entanglements. Waterskiing, competitive swimming, hiking and karate can be minefields for young men, particularly when the steamy jocularity of the changing room leads to unfortunate voyeuristic displays of pubescent manhood.
Signs of a Sexually Active Young Person
1) Condoms and personal lubricants: While this one is quite obvious, many parents will tell you that they had absolutely no clue about their kid’s activities before discovering these types of items. Sexual aids will be secreted away in wallets, at the back of bureau drawers or at the bottom of trashcans. A used condom will look like the finger of a rubber glove and will be sticky to the touch.*
2) Washing their own clothes and frequent bathing: In an attempt to hide the smell of crusting semen or foreign cologne, a young person will take up household duties normally reserved for mother.
3) Sudden interest in your whereabouts or trips you’re planning away from home: Sadly, young people often engage in furtive, lustful penetrations in basements, attics and bedrooms when parents are away. Are your kids mysteriously in the house during unexpected hours of the day? Do beds that were made in the morning strangely appear unmade in the afternoon?
4) Inflated self-image: Promiscuous children believe that sex somehow makes them more mature. The older men they’re spending time with are partly to blame, and the child will be argumentative and arrogant in the home. Sassiness, particularly from boys, is never appropriate. Piercings and tattoos are another sign of this form of egocentric rebellion.
5) Breaking curfew: Where are your children going at night? While you may assume they’re at the houses of friends, they could be sneaking off to empty parking lots or public parks where timekeeping is less vigorous. Curfews play an important role in helping children avoid these sultry temptations. A gradually loosened schedule eases a child into adulthood while keeping parents from undue worry. Here is a standard guideline for curfew times based on age:
Ages 14-15: 8 pm
16: 9 pm
17: 9:30 pm
18: 10 pm
19-21: 11pm
6) The “Hookup” Spot: A little detective work can lead a parent to discover their child’s secret sexual liaison location. In the summer, this is usually outside or in an unused structure. Look for it in the bushes near the picnic area of a lake, at the end of a dead end country road or in barns and abandoned houses. You will find the ground worn and muddy from activity. There will be old blankets and possibly even a mattress rescued from the trash heap. Cigarette butts, beer cans and brightly colored square condom wrappers will tell the sordid tale of youthful violation.
7) Health issues: Recurring bladder infections, enlarged testes, penile chaffing, pain in the lower abdomen and yeast infections are all signs that a child is not only engaging in sex, but that he or she may have contracted a social disease. Be watchful!
8) Sleepovers with friends who have siblings: A common ruse among teens, they will pretend to be best friends with one person while secretly “hooking up“ with the brother or sister. Sleepovers give them ample opportunity to hop beds in the middle of the night to act out their worst hormonal urges. Remember, not every parent is as vigilant and Christian as you would hope them to be!
9) Gang membership: Although rare, girls who join gangs will allow themselves to be gang raped as part of their horrific initiation process. Be vigilant if your girl suddenly opts for dark urban clothing styles and red bandanas.
10) Alcohol, cigarette and drug usage: There is a sad overlap between illegal substance abuse and teenage sexuality. This indicates you have a broader dilemma on your hands. If you’re worried that your son or daughter has fallen into this trap, be sure to sniff their breath and clothing when you give them that good night hug.
What To Do When You Discover Your Child is Sexually Active
1) The very first thing you should do is to take your child to a trusted physician to check for STDs and pregnancy!
2) Talk to your kids! Confronting your children about their activities is never easy but they may be suffering from a guilty conscience. Depending on how you came to discover the evidence of sexual impropriety, you could say, “You left your computer on the other day – are you trying to tell us something?” or “I was walking the dog in the park the other night and noticed you were sneaking off into the bushes with a boy. Didn’t you notice me watching?”
3) Set firm family rules: Make it clear to your children that premarital intercourse is entirely inappropriate and that it goes against all Biblical teaching. Let them know that you will be deeply involved in helping them avoid temptation in the future by setting strict limits on the amount of time they are allowed to spend with members of the opposite sex. Specify that it’s fine for him or her to go on unsupervised group outings, but one-to-one time alone time crosses the line. This might mean that he or she won’t be allowed to use the car without you or another adult along for the ride.
4) Prayer: Have your family reaffirm its faith and uphold your Christian morals! God is waiting to hear from you!
5) Purity rings: These are great reminders that chastity is vital and should be adhered to constantly!
6) Abstinence groups: Peers and religious leaders are instrumental in reminding your children that sexual cleanliness is an essential part of being a Christian in America today. Ask your pastor for guidance and schedule some spiritual counseling!
7) Summer activities: Pack their schedules full of fun activities and if they have down time, there are plenty of great books to read! This will deflate the pubescent sexual urges and promote a healthy physical appearance.
Good luck parents!
* I should note that used condoms do not always indicate sexual intercourse. Some boys practice wearing prophylactics in preparation for their “big day.” Others have been known to collect used condoms out of curiosity. They are intrigued by the confusing bodily interactions of the older children around them and collect such tokens like one would stamps or rocks. They often hide these damp, flaccid rubbers in cigar boxes in the backs of closets. If you discover such a horde, it may be your first clue in the search for the “Hookup Site” of an older sibling mentioned above. Use the opportunity to ask your boy where he chanced upon such a foul and dangerous thing and follow up on the lead.
- Sinful
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Author: Stephenson Billings
Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package! Facebook me here or Fanmail me: StephensonBillings@yahoo.com !
10:49 pm
Do you really want to know if your child is having sex? Ask his or her youth pastor.
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6:50 pm
Its narrowminded attitudes of this publication is the reason the US has the highest percentage of abortions and teen pregnancies of industrialized nations.
Hasn’t the AIDs taught you anything. Teens will have sex. Abstinence only teaching does not work. Children need to be taught early about sex, birth control, aids, STDs, and pregnancy. Obviously they need to be taught what is age appropriate. Not only about these subjects, but their consequences and how to prevent unwanted pregnancies and disease.
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11:37 pm
I very much agree with the above comment. This is a narrow-minded article that focuses only on one particular, fundamentalist version of Christian morals.
When parents act like sex is evil and forbidden, young people will only be more attracted to it. Parents should teach their children what sex is — because if they don’t, nothing they can do can stop the world from teaching that lesson for them. Take the mystery out of it.
And by the way, as a gay man who also very much believes in Christ (and is loved every bit as much as everyone else reading this poor article), let me say that we have no need to “groom” or “trick” people into somehow becoming gay. That, quite simply, is not how it works. No one can trick someone into becoming gay any more than you could trick a gay man or woman into becoming straight.
And finally, let your children make their own moral decisions. They will have to make their own choices — what to believe and how to act. And that decision is theirs, not yours. Nothing you can do can change that. All you can do is be there for them, teach them what you can, and love them no matter what.
On the whole, I don’t think this article is very Christian.
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2:46 am
Bwhahahahahahahaha… Oh wow, tears in my eyes from the laughter. That is hilarious.
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8:44 pm
Yup, this is the funniest thign I’ve read ina loooooong time! 8 PM curfew four 15 year olds, brutal cunning in preventing sex indeed!
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7:38 am
I hate myself, don’t bathe, don’t wash the laundry, and….. wait for it….. HAVE SEX!!!!! So fucking what, God LOVES me!
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7:40 am
I’m too busy being fucked and loved by the sex god to ever bathe or do laundry!
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7:42 am
is it any of your fucking business if your kids are having sex? you pervert…. God hates you
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10:54 pm
Stephenson,
This is an amazing primer for parents. There were several points that I hadn’t thought of. I’ve been preparing for the day when the grandkids begin experimenting with a ultraviolet light review of all their laundry.
Thanks so much for your investigation, you dear man.
Kind regards,
BB
Hot debate. What do you think?
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6:29 pm
If you were my mom I would throw you out of my house for such behavior and never let you see my children ever again. Mind your own business and let the parents raise their kids. You have no right to interfere.
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8:43 pm
“Depending on how you came to discover the evidence of sexual impropriety, you could say, “You left your computer on the other day – are you trying to tell us something?”
wrong asshole! that’s just plain spying and distrust. no parent who loves their kid should ever do this.
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9:51 pm
I wish I could blame it on your age, grandma, or your religion, but the fact is this is just stupid and there is no defense for it.
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11:00 pm
“Sexual activity among teens and twentysomethings has become epidemic in America.”
Twentysomethings are WELL within their right to be having sex.
“Many parents are afraid to discuss the topic for fear of alienating their kids”
The only parents who refuse to discuss sex with their children are those who are highly religious and thus deem the act to be unmentionable at any age.
“Celibacy and the sacred marriage covenant are rarely taught in our schools.”
Go to any school in a liberal city and you’ll find that they teach how to have safe sex but that they also teach that abstinence is the only foolproof method of birth control and disease prevention. Teaching these two in conjunction is recognizing the fact that teens are going to have sex REGARDLESS of the fear tactics (fear tactics that I fully support, as long as they tell the truth) of abstinence education.
“Chronic masturbation has become so widespread that very few people have the courage to speak out against its inherent risks.”
What would you rather have teenagers do? Would you rather they have sexual intercourse and risk pregnancy (and perhaps subsequent abortions) or STD transmission, or would you rather they masturbate in the privacy of their own room with no exchange of bodily fluids and thus no risk of disease or pregnancy? You can’t say neither, because teens are going to do one or the other thanks to hormones. So it’s really unfair to condemn both, because by condemning masturbation as well you’re just enticing kids to have intercourse instead because they you have deemed them equally risky.
“As many adults have learned, premature sexual activity is often a warning sign of larger underlying problems, from drug use to mental disorders.”
Bullshit. It’s called raging hormones.
“Once a teen or twentysomething has been lured into sensual experimentation, it is very difficult to rein them in. Unfortunately, a simple doctor’s visit is not enough to tell if a child is having sex.”
Once a person is above 18 their doctor is held to a strict code of doctor-patient confidentiality. It is illegal for him or her to reveal their patients’ medical history, even to direct family members. It would also be highly disturbing for any parent to want to know the sexual activity status of their twentysomething year old son or daughter.
“1) Pairing off with a single person: As a child moves away from his or her peer group to a one-on-one dynamic with an individual, the potential for intimate impropriety grows exponentially.”
No…really?
“2) Washing their own clothes and frequent bathing: In an attempt to hide the smell of crusting semen or foreign cologne, a young person will take up household duties normally reserved for mother.”
Sorry, but kids should be helping out with the laundry by the time they’re teenagers. The same goes for fathers. Welcome to the 21st Century.
“Remember, not every parent is as vigilant and Christian as you would hope them to be!”
Yeah, and that’s a good thing, because only Christian parents do sick things like pry into their grown kids’ sexual lives.
“1) The very first thing you should do is to take your child to a trusted physician to check for STDs and pregnancy!”
Only if your kid is 17 or under.
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5:12 pm
Hi!
I am happy to respond to your in depth response to my article. In regards to my use of the term “twentysomethings,” I believe it is entirely appropriate for parents to be concerned about the sexual activities happening underneath their very rooves, even if their kids are 20 or 21. Listen, parents have to set limits and they can’t turn their homes into hotbeds of premaritial sexuality. What happens if that child gets pregnant? A liberal approach by one’s parents would surely be to blame.
2nd point: Abstinence education is not as well promoted as one would hope. Many schools promote condom use and the normalization of homosexuality and its inherent promiscuity. Abstinence should be the primary focus of such health classes and the marriage covenant is rarely covered in public schools.
3rd: Chronic masturbation is not healthy. Discouraging it will most definitely not lead to more STDs. This information is absolutely false and I wish you would research such claims more deeply before posting incorrect information.
4th: I agree that doctor confidentiality prevents a parent from finding out the actitvities of a child, but what if we’re talking about rape or an 18+ man with an underage girl? Shouldn’t parents be involved???
5th: Kids who are having sex do attempt to wash their own clothes. This is a commonly recognized sign.
6th: Even if your child is over 17, you should be concerned about STDs and pregnancy! Just because a kid is 18 doesn’t mean parents give up their responsibilities to protect them!
Thanks again and I really hope this information helps you as you deal with these tough choices!
God bless you,
Stephenson Billings
Investigative Journalist
Hot debate. What do you think?
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7:12 pm
I could go with a long and drawn out commentary to all this, but I’m going to go with simple instead: you’re an outdated christian with outdated beliefs, and I hope you don’t have kids. If you do, I hope they never meet mine. That steaming crap you’re vomiting might be contagious.
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10:25 pm
Oh my! I’m sure your kids(sluts) would probably try to seduce my little Angels with their perverted ways and evil temptations! They would surely plant the seed of Evil in the virgin wombs of my babies! The “steaming crap” of “vomit” you refer to would be the child born as a result of your childrens evil deeds!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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2:58 am
@J.C. “…The “steaming crap” of “vomit” you refer to would be the child born as a result of your childrens evil deeds!…”
I only wish you actually had to answer to a god someday for condemning a complete strangers children like that.
You aren’t being very christ-like.
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7:32 pm
As a parent of three, I agree wholeheartedly with this article and its conclusions.
Also parenting never ends. No age graduates the need to be loved and worried about by a parent.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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7:56 pm
“What happens if that child gets pregnant? A liberal approach by one’s parents would surely be to blame.”
Then why did my dad’s friend’s daughter get pregnant at 16? This is a girl who was born and raised in Texas to strict Baptist and conservative parents, and whose school taught only abstinence-only education.
“the marriage covenant is rarely covered in public schools.”
Why should it be?
“3rd: Chronic masturbation is not healthy.”
Neither is being overweight.
“Discouraging it will most definitely not lead to more STDs. This information is absolutely false and I wish you would research such claims more deeply before posting incorrect information.”
This coming from the man who posted a picture of Kal Penn in his article on Aziz Ansari.
“5th: Kids who are having sex do attempt to wash their own clothes. This is a commonly recognized sign.”
Source, please?
“6th: Even if your child is over 17, you should be concerned about STDs and pregnancy! Just because a kid is 18 doesn’t mean parents give up their responsibilities to protect them!”
Well of course parents have the right to be concerned, but this doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to invade their kids’ privacy and sniff their bedsheets for semen.
“Stephenson Billings
Investigative Journalist”
How many times in the past have I asked for your credentials and you have refused to provide them?
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8:39 pm
Please, tell me what the risk in masturbation is? Children are expected to not only not have sex, but not to masturbate as well. I can’t think of a single reason a teenager or young adult should NOT masturbate. I fail to see any physical OR mental harm. Also, what constitutes as “chronic masturbation?”
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8:55 pm
Teen self gratification is inconsistent with the goal and structure of sexual intercourse. Firstly, sex is central to the process by which husband and wife become one flesh (Genesis 2:24); and second, sex and marriage are intended to serve as picture or symbol of the union between Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:31, 32). Sex, then, isn’t intended to be “all about me.” From first to last, it’s designed to function as part of the give-and-take of an interpersonal relationship.
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9:03 pm
That’s supposing that one is religious. I highly doubt you can give a non-religious based reason as to what’s wrong with masturbation.
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9:16 pm
Stevie, can you EVER provide a good answer without resorting to bible quotes? Scratch that, can you ever provide an answer that doesn’t increase how stupid you look?
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10:32 pm
Everyone is religious, some just don’t know it yet. When you meet the Lord on Judgement Day are you going to say, “Oh, sorry Lord, I don’t believe in you!” Or are you going to fall to your knees and plead that your sins be forgiven!
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4:29 am
@J.C.
In all honesty, I’m not going to beg for forgiveness because God/Allah/Yehweh/Vishnu/whoever is gonna know that I’m not going to mean from the bottom of my heart that I think what I did in life was wrong. On the other hand I’ll willingly take whatever punishment’s given because I can’t really do much else. Unlike you, I plan on fully owning up to my wrong doings. Any lowlife scumbag can apologize and promise to never do it again and plead for forgiveness. Only good people will own up to mistakes. I hope you find yourself in the latter category one day.
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9:43 pm
So…why do incredible, mind-blowing orgasms exist?
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8:13 pm
Exactly. Masturbation, and in fact sexual contact in general, reduces the natural carcinogens in one’s semen (this only work with men, as women don’t have semen.)
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11:40 pm
A lot of this is just factually wrong. God bless you too, friend, and you’re entitled to your opinion, but this is neither investigative nor journalism. This is just unresearched, uneducated fundamentalist proselytizing.
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7:54 am
While I don’t object to the continued concern over children’s well being, even those 20, 30 or older, my concern is that this article presents an extremely narrow-minded view of appropriate behavior, and is extraordinarily judgmental. I agree that we must be vigilant in our protection of our children, but alienating them with prying, spying and judging their peers and the culture they are constantly in contact with seems likely to only encourage them to rebel. Why is there no mention of prophylacticly building a relationship and ongoing dialogue with your children? Perhaps that way panty sniffing and semen hunting won’t be necessary.
On the whole, I find the tone of this article fundamentalist and offensive. I wish any parent trying these tactics the best of luck, and only hope they don’t end up with a pregnant runaway or secret abortion on their hands. They’d be better off praying.
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1:20 pm
it roofs not rooves you asshole
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7:27 pm
I’ve been doing my own laundry since I could reach the buttons on the machine and I didn’t have sex until I was 20 years old.
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2:24 pm
Go smell some kids beds and GET THE FUCK OUT
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7:08 pm
thank you, Claire, you’ve shown me that I’m not the only parent that read is and said “wtf?”
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11:06 pm
You’re welcome Dan, but I’m not a parent.
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12:19 am
Claire bear I dine daily with a friend of mine, David, and he is in his 50s and has never had sex and never kissed a girl.
Not everyone in the world has your silly opinions. You should look at England as the most disgusting place on earth. Teens have sex with 50 people before they reach 18, and the whole country has STDs or whatever they call it over there…
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4:23 am
WHAT????
Where did you get this bit of “fact”?
I would love to see your source for your remark of “Teens have sex with 50 people before they reach 18″
And to refute your claim of “the whole country has STDs or whatever they call it over there…”
According to the British Medical Journal,
older people are being diagnosed with STDs
however, this is attributed to improper use of sexual protection amongst those groups.
Please don’t make broad, sweeping generalizations about a nation that you seem to know nothing about. You give all of us Christians a bad name….And what is worse…you hurt the cause of Christ.
http://sti.bmj.com/content/early/2008/06/27/sti.2007.027847.abstract?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&author1=bodley&andorexactfulltext=and&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&sortspec=relevance&resourcetype=HWCIT
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1:43 am
The average age for marriage is now about 26. Saving it for marriage would entail going through high school, college, and four years of adult working life celibate. Think about that for a while. Anyone who does that is likely suffering from mental/emotional problems and needs help.
Seriously, think about it. Were you a virgin until age 26?
Try to get a realistic grasp of the world you live in.
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4:32 am
I do have to say, I am 26 and a virgin. I have been in a stable committed relatioship with my girl friend (now fiance’) for 7 years. She is also a virgin. She just graduated cum laude from Nursing school with her Bachelor’s degree. She is going back for her masters as well. I am working towards my bachelor’s in Respiratory Care.
While we have not been completely pure, we want to (and will) wait til our wedding night for making love. This is no one elses’ business but our own.
It is between us and God.
Neither one of us has ever needed to be treated for any sort of mental or behavioral or emotional problems. Sex is not the end all be all of our lives….
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6:23 am
liar.. I met a 29 year old virgin.. he masturbates to the screams of females in horror movies because he is afraid to look at porn, or have sex out side of marage. he has a speach impediment , messed up teeth, and no idea how to speak to females.. so he will never get married. ie never have sex. i am sorry for him..
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4:48 pm
He sounds like one of those many young African males that I see over here in Africa.
The difference is that these negroes will get to have sex even though they’ll never get married (or choose not to get married). That’s because the statistics for rape here is a staggering 82%. It’s almost like a national past-time.
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2:27 pm
I’m starting to think that Claire is on the payroll here as a professional antagonist for the folks at christwire. LOL!!!! ANOTHER Brilliant piece Mr. Billings HEH!
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11:05 pm
Oh, I’m going to have SO much fun blowing your ‘article’ to smithereens!
//1) Pairing off with a single person: As a child moves away from his or her peer group to a one-on-one dynamic with an individual, the potential for intimate impropriety grows exponentially.//
Uh, no, it doesn’t. I know people who fuck at least five different people and they’re usually with someone else. Just because someone hangs out with one person, does not mean that they’re more likely to screw’em.
//2) Lack of appreciation for the family’s values: Look for a lessening interest in worship activities, sibling play and family functions.//
How does sex have anything to do with family values? Maybe if you’re a psycho-conservative christian, but not everyone has the same values as you, you twit.
////3) Recently changed email or Facebook password: Teens will lay the groundwork for a secret experience by shutting parents out of their online social life. You will also notice an unusual spike in the usage of inappropriate websites such as Craigslist, FourSquare, Chatroulette and Grinder.//
Parents shouldn’t be watching over their child’s shoulder like a damn hawk in the first place. Besides, what if that person had a friend who’s account got hacked, or what if it’s been quite awhile since it was changed? Changing passwords on a regular basis helps security, and if a parent is demanding access to their child’s online activities, either A) that child is too young to even be using those sites, or B) that parent has trust issues with their child that needs to be worked out.
//4) Sudden increase in frequency of masturbation: As kids plan for sexual contact, the fantasy world they inhabit becomes a larger part of their emotional lives, particularly during the prime hormonal seasons of spring and summer.//
That’s more of a contradiction. Why would someone need to jerk or rub one off if they have someone that they screw? It’s more the opposite: sex leads to less masturbation, if anything.
//5) For girls, sexually revealing clothing fashions: Low-cut skirts, short denim shorts, string bikinis, elastic-type clothing. Mothers should not be pressured into buying such clothing because “everyone is doing it”!
That’s more of a sign of a girl wanting to be attractive, that’s a different issue. Related, yes, but it’s still a different issue than someone’s teenaged kid having sex.
//6) For boys, switching underwear styles: This may come as a surprise, but boys in the early stages of sexual prowling often make a shift from one underwear type to another. Some go from briefs to boxers to allow for easier access during oral copulation. Others select tighter pouch briefs, low-rise trunks, jockstraps or the homoeroticized Calvin Klein brand in an attempt to impress a potential mate with the firm, abundant shape of their private areas.//
Uh, 1, that sounds pretty gay. 2, how is that an indicator that someone’s having sex? A guy changes the kind of underwear he likes, so what? Doesn’t mean he’s getting laid.
//7) Use of cryptic internet slang: 8, 420, CD9, BDSM, GNOC, H4T, JSM, PNP, WS, VGL are all keywords parents need to be on the lookout for. See a complete list of terms and definitions here.//
Yeah, your list is bullshit, you don’t know what you’re talking about.
//8) New, older friends: Most parents are aware that this is an issue for girls who have older male friends, but boys who become chummy with that sporty, festive guy down the street are also at risk. Homosexuals use the trick of athletic teams and sports outings to groom a boy for surreptitious erotic entanglements. Waterskiing, competitive swimming, hiking and karate can be minefields for young men, particularly when the steamy jocularity of the changing room leads to unfortunate voyeuristic displays of pubescent manhood. //
Wow, that sounds exactly like what you do to trap those poor boys in your basement. That has nothing to do with a person having sex, that’s more of an issue of possible abduction.
As for the other half, the only parts that aren’t total bullshit are the first three points. Even then, point #3 shouldn’t rely just on religious morals. You make it seem like those of non-Christian faiths, be it for or against a faith, are nothing but sexual hounds waiting to fuck someone. The rest is just wrong. ‘Praying’ doesn’t help. If it did, then your kid wouldn’t even be in the situation to begin with considering how your talking to Christians who are stupid enough to listen to you. Abstinence has been proven to NOT work. Be it through those stupid rings or groups, eventually those kids aren’t going to give a damn and they’re gonna have sex with whoever they were bangin’ before, and your ‘summer activities’ idea is nothing more than a temporary solution to a somewhat permanent problem.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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5:26 pm
I’d like to reply to some of the points in this convoluated comment. I believe this is a clear case of a misguided teen who needs to learn a little bit more about human sexuality before spouting off on topics he knows very little about.
1. For teens, “pairing off” is a common element of a potential first time sexual experience. I believe the promiscuity of several partners comes later, after the teen has been introduced to sex.
2. As I noted above, studies have repeatedly shown that families with strong moral foundations are the least likely to have children engaging in improper sexual relations. Just because you have a problem with Christianity, doesn’t mean that this premise should be so inexplicable to you. Maybe you need to take some time to appreciate all the good Christian teaching has done for America.
3. I absolutely disagree. With pedophile predators and rape in the news headlines every day, parents need to be aware of what their kids are doing on the internet now more than ever. I understand your qualms about security (and yes, adults change their passwords, too!) but this is simply one sign of many that should be taken into account.
4. Masturbation indicates a desire for future sexual intercourse (please note the section this item is listed in!). However, I do not believe masturbation descreases among sexually active teens. In fact, I’d argue that it increases vastly.
5. I think you should look at some of the fashions that young girls wear. If you were a parent, you would not want your kid showing off all that flesh. Maybe you’re revealing your personal interests here?
7. The internet slang changes and some phrases may be out of date, others not included but google any of these terms and you’ll see that my content is solid.
As for the last paragraph, it shows your anti-Christian bias. How depressing to think there are people in this world so full of hate. I am simply helping parents and you bust in with your personal agenda to get all kids into bed. Why would you really want that? Do you understand the crisis of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases in this country? It’s an awful state of affairs and one that should not be taken lightly. I pray you will heal these emotions of yours.
With love,
Stephenson Billings
Hot debate. What do you think?
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5:57 pm
//I’d like to reply to some of the points in this convoluated comment. I believe this is a clear case of a misguided teen who needs to learn a little bit more about human sexuality before spouting off on topics he knows very little about.//
Stevie, you talkin’ to me? Do you not know who the hell I am by now? Are you THAT senile?
//1. For teens, “pairing off” is a common element of a potential first time sexual experience. I believe the promiscuity of several partners comes later, after the teen has been introduced to sex.//
What teens have you talked to? What teens have you asked these questions to? What are your experiences with teenagers these days? You have no idea what the hell you’re talking about and you’re just blabbering about.
//2. As I noted above, studies have repeatedly shown that families with strong moral foundations are the least likely to have children engaging in improper sexual relations. Just because you have a problem with Christianity, doesn’t mean that this premise should be so inexplicable to you. Maybe you need to take some time to appreciate all the good Christian teaching has done for America.//
Yeah, what studies? Show’em. People like you go “oh, we have studies”, but you never actually show them. You will never show how you got your data, you just say ‘it exists’ and be done with it.
//3. I absolutely disagree. With pedophile predators and rape in the news headlines every day, parents need to be aware of what their kids are doing on the internet now more than ever. I understand your qualms about security (and yes, adults change their passwords, too!) but this is simply one sign of many that should be taken into account.//
It’s not a sign, it’s a leap in logic. If a parent doesn’t trust their child and requires complete access to their private life, then there’s an entirely different issue at hand.
//4. Masturbation indicates a desire for future sexual intercourse (please note the section this item is listed in!). However, I do not believe masturbation descreases among sexually active teens. In fact, I’d argue that it increases vastly.//
Yeah, you’d argue that it increases vastly because you’re an idiot. That’s like saying that eating dinner makes you eat more afterwords. If someone has a fuck-buddy, then having a date with Rosie Palms or Bob becomes less and less frequent. Sex feels better than sexual stimulation. If you have access to the better of the two things, why not go for it?
//5. I think you should look at some of the fashions that young girls wear. If you were a parent, you would not want your kid showing off all that flesh. Maybe you’re revealing your personal interests here?//
I said it was a related issue. Rather than saying that ‘girls wearing skimpy clothing = having sex’, you could say ‘girls wearing skimpy clothing = WANTING to have sex’. People are animals, we try to make ourselves as attractive as possible to get a mate. As it just so happens, girls looking like sluts is what’s ‘in’. Who’s responsible? No one knows, but rather than try to pin the blame, why not encourage people to be sexy in a different way? Get to the same end without taking the same route, and use psychology to convince them that it’s better to NOT dress up like a $2 whore.
Of course, knowing you, you’re against the entire idea on a whole simply because you’re an old fool.
//7. The internet slang changes and some phrases may be out of date, others not included but google any of these terms and you’ll see that my content is solid.//
Only a small chunk of it is ‘solid’, and because you just admitted that some of these phrases are out of date, then who’s to say that they’ll change in just a short while? Technology and lingo are constantly changing, as well as when they’re used, you can’t rely on one list to determine what people mean. Even THEN people could use those phrases in a different way.
//As for the last paragraph, it shows your anti-Christian bias. How depressing to think there are people in this world so full of hate.//
Says the old fool who hates homosexual people simply because he reads the bible as saying that.
//I am simply helping parents and you bust in with your personal agenda to get all kids into bed.//
Do you not know what the word ‘agenda’ means? Seriously, you throw that word everywhere, it doesn’t mean what you think it does, nor do you know what my ‘agenda’ actually is.
//Why would you really want that? Do you understand the crisis of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases in this country? It’s an awful state of affairs and one that should not be taken lightly. I pray you will heal these emotions of yours. //
Again, you’re nothing short of a fool who sees the world in nothing but black and white, and you think you’re some shining example of what ‘good’ is. You don’t take into account the ‘what-ifs’, you don’t take into account if you’re wrong, you don’t take into account the feelings of others, you don’t take ANYTHING good from the other side of the debate, you REFUSE to admit that there’s anything wrong with your side, you’re just a blind old fool who’s out of touch with the world today, and you have a BELIEF, not an OPINION that you’re right, regardless of the amount of information that just proves you wrong.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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8:20 pm
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8:32 pm
I find that funny, because I know a lot of people who SAY that, but don’t actually MEAN it. You can SAY your religion helps you out, but it actually MEANING something is completely different. If your parents would throw your ass out if you had sex, you’d lie that you didn’t do it yet yourself, and that’s effectively what a lot of religious teens are like.
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9:15 pm
Should have pulled this little tidbit from that report. Says a WHOLE lot more than the drivel you just posted.
“At the same time, research suggests that once religious teens do have sex, they are less likely to use contraception.”
Kind of makes you wonder just where the majority “per capita” (so to speak) of those young teen pregnancies are coming from.
(Got to give you props on the nice hyper-link. You’re catching on.
)
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11:13 pm
“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” –1 Corinthians 7:1-5.
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8:05 pm
“I believe this is a clear case of a misguided teen who needs to learn a little bit more about human sexuality before spouting off on topics he knows very little about.”
Pfft! Likewise, douchebag.
“For teens, “pairing off” is a common element of a potential first time sexual experience.”
It’s disturbing that you know that.
“As I noted above, studies have repeatedly shown that families with strong moral foundations are the least likely to have children engaging in improper sexual relations.”
Riiiiiight…
“If you were a parent, you would not want your kid showing off all that flesh. Maybe you’re revealing your personal interests here?”
Excuse me, but you’re the one who told me several years ago that I would “like your body”.
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1:51 pm
mr. billings you are the only one displaying hate in your words through your shameless defence of an outdated and outlandish form of christianity, your true goals are clearly illustrated by your lack of support for children to have a breath of individuality and space, as a veteran of 12 years of Christian schooling at a private institution i must say the type of restrictive and prying parenting and upholding of YOUR “christian” values is what pushes many of the young Christians to turn away from the faith to seek something that resembles a type of personal freedom. granted, some of these children will act out in ways that are deemed unseemly, but to condemn a child’s inherent right to learn from mistakes, which is supported in the BIBLE, is a backwards viewpoint on par with the Saudi Arabian form of Islam. you are clearly bigoted against all non-christians, are a believer in the outdated idea that non-christians will not be accepted to heaven no matter their deeds on earth if they dont convert, and that anyone who strays from your convuluted and misguided interpretation of Christianity is doomed to be defined in hate speech spewed from your supporters such as commentor JC who has used the name of Christianity, a religion of peace, to condemn the children of another to burn in Hell and make hate filled statements to those of a different viewpoint. you do realize you resemble the rabbis and faithful that Jesus condemned who sat and overly proclaimed their faith and adherence to the word of God in the squares so that they may be seen and thought to be faith filled, true christians do these things in private for they are to be God’s matters with you not the world. a man of true Christianity would not take to a blog to rile up a storm in the name of HIS bible interpretations. the bible has no one true message for how to live it sets skeletal guidelines which we must fill in. premature sexual encounters are to be looked down upon that much is true, abstinence and safe sex MUST be taught in conjunction for any effect to be had, and i hope your children or grandchildren have children while in their teens years so you may write on this blog how, if you dont want to contradictory to your own beliefs, this child is an abomonation to the world because that is what you allude to in this entire article as well as disrupting privacy, stressing parent/child relationships to the brink, and making sure the children raised this way have no sense of identity and no capability to function in todays society because they cant do their own laundry because that means theyre having sex. I noticed also you look down on women, very similiarly to the strict Wahabbi sect of Islam in that you attribute simple household and life chores children should learn to handle are to be left only to mother. you are a bigot a homophobe who denys even the most concrete of science which states homosexuality is genetic makeup, who belongs in the 50′s where homosexuality was thought to be forced upon children and women were only allowed to be in kitchens, on judgement day it is YOU sir who will answer for why your narrow minded ways clouded you to Christs true message of love and forgiveness of our human failings. PS i hate you
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11:46 pm
I envy your journalistic ability Sir Billings.
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9:17 pm
“I envy your journalistic ability Sir Billings.”
Don’t.
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11:53 pm
I had to send this to my brother in law.
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8:20 pm
It’s too funnily ludicrous to keep secret!
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11:57 pm
Claire and Comedian, It’s all just a joke. This whole site is for laughs. Did you notice the link at the top for HATEMAIL? You’re gullible beyond comprehension.
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6:15 pm
as usual you crackers are crazy
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8:05 pm
I find it sad that you people get so upset when someone voices their free speech and it doesn’t fit into your liberal agenda. This is not the place to throw out your conspiracies in an attempt to discredit my reporting. Please take it elsewhere.
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8:40 pm
I find it ironic that you bitch about free speech when you’ve stated several times that you want to impose a ‘thought police’ system and thus REMOVE free speech from people. Apparently you believe that only Christians deserve rights.
Oh, and I love the ‘conspiracy theory’ bit, nice touch jackass. You’re the king of conspiracy theories around these parts, so telling others that they’re looney only makes you look more insane.
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10:22 am
Dont feed into his overtly conservative christian ideal… It’s outdated and false. Science has proven the Christian worldview as incompatible with the universe as a whole… and his complaints about political reform and ‘returning to the way America was founded’ is a joke… The founding fathers were Deists, not Christians.
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11:27 pm
Go read your constitution since your Freedom of speech like you proclaim just affect your country in other word your constitution don’t affect The Internet
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1:55 pm
what makes those who disagree liberals. i accuse you SIR of trying to push your conservative views and you get upset when all dont bow to it. again i hate you and as a republican with conservative social view you are giving us a terrible image
P.S. have fun in hell with Osama Bin Laden you blasphemer.
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4:05 am
The funniest part of this is imagining how those parents managed to have children in the first place. “No, sweetheart, we never did ANY of those disgusting things.”
Now I hope I live to see the next generation squirming as their parents show them their Conception videos in HD. “wait for it … wait … bang! There you go, and nine months later, you were born! You’re welcome … “
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6:47 am
You forgot #13 Is your mom buying Anal Juice at the Grocery Store?
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7:07 am
Your one creepy fuck billings troll or not.
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10:34 am
Mr Billings God has blessed you, this is a great piece of investigative journalism.
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4:53 pm
if parents should really take parenting advice from a 50 something childless bastard wouldn’t that mean you should take your faith advice from some one like me billings?
well tip of the week abandon god. seriously it will be the most exhilarating thing ever. obviously i know far more about this subject than you because i do not belive in god and never have thus i know more about beliveing in him than you ever will. obviously.
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6:16 pm
ya’ll crackers KRAY-ZEE
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6:21 pm
Racist !
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1:47 am
Unevolved negro. Please get back up on that tree and sing kumbaya.
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6:24 pm
Trying to prevent hormonally active humans from engaging in sex is like trying to prevent your child from growing. It just isn’t going to happen. It is part of biology and evolution. I know, I know, you don’t believe in evolution, so how’s about a different take on it? If your supposed god did not want teenagers to engage in sex then why did he create in them the physical urge to have sex? To test them? If so then he is dumber than he appears to be. Raise your kids right and trust them. If you did a good job in raising them then they will practice safe sex when they do engage in it. And most of them will engage in sex while a teenager, and nothing you or their parents say or do will stop them from being human. Instead of giving useless advice that will more than likely help the kids hide their sexual activity from their parents you would be better off teaching them safe sexual practices.
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8:09 pm
Your comment is a sad statement on the lack of morality in some families today. Do you honestly believe that turning a blind eye to teen sex will help anyone? Despite our public schools and their condom distribution, we have a huge number of pregnancies AND a STD epidemic among young people today. What’s so wrong about turning to the Bible for some old fashioned wisdom about purity and bodily righteousness? Abstinence teaching is incredibly effective and should come far before the liberals in our school systems set out to give every child a box of condoms.
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8:17 pm
“What’s so wrong about turning to the Bible for some old fashioned wisdom about purity and bodily righteousness?”
Gee, maybe because not everybody believes in fairy tales that oppress women and teach other outdated ideologies.
“Abstinence teaching is incredibly effective”
That has got to be the funniest thing I’ve heard all year!
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8:35 pm
Turning a blind eye is bad, but arming people with knowledge is much more helpful than just saying ‘don’t do it’ and scaring them with religious ideals, especially if they decide that they don’t agree with those views later on in life.
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5:19 am
That’s because a huge number of teenagers don’t have any access to sexaul education courses, because their parents refuse to talk about sex and anything related, like STDs and undesired pregnancy. And many of these parents are Christians! Not all of them fortunately though.
My own parents are Christian, they were both virgin when they married but they taught me everything I needed to know about safe sex, including the use and purpose of condoms and hormonal contraceptives. And yes, I know perfectly well that abstinence is the best way to prevent STDs and pregnancy, because it’s logical, if you don’t have sex, any kind of sex, you won’t obviously get any disease or get pregnant! It’s biologically impossible but it’s not the only way. It only takes a minute to explain your son or daughter how to use a condom and of course you can tell him or her that abstinence is the best birth control on earth, but you can’t tell her or him that it is the only way.
I’ve been sexually active for four years and guess what, I never had a STD or I never got pregnant. Never!
Why? Because I know what to do!
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2:07 pm
by the way mr. billings teen pregnancies are at the lowest point in almost 2 decades, also you continue to say liberals are conspiring against you. why? i dont know a single person in america that would allow a school to hand out boxes of condoms because unlike you most americans have common sense and dont want to instill an Iranian style theocracy built around an archaic interpretation of Christianity you wish for non christians to be stoned in the streets and decapitated with their heads placed upon pikes as warnings of the brutal misguided life you lead the liberals you speak of most likely have more faith in one finger than in your entire attention whoring being. an amazing thing is studies OVERWHEMINGLY PROVE abstince teaching in conjuction with safe-sex education is the best way to counter todays teen sex issues because some will do it regardless and what would you have the Christian conservative agenda do then in schools shun these students? at least those who will have sex can at least know how to avoid many of the hazards of sex and under your guidelines these kids will literally be troubleshooting when it comes down to when they finally copulate
P.S. i still hate you
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7:55 pm
Would you rather teenagers use condoms that are given to them, or would you rather them have unprotected sex? Either way it’s going to happen.
/thread
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8:13 pm
Well said, Truth.
p.s. I love the X-Files!
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6:28 pm
Some of this guy’s warning signs are oddly SPECIFIC…
“As many adults have learned, premature sexual activity is often a warning sign of larger underlying problems, from drug use to mental disorders”
This statement is actually false. However, it makes me wonder if the author suffered from a mental disorder in adolescence that he spuriously associates with his pubescent sexual interest.
“Look for it in the bushes near the picnic area of a lake, at the end of a dead end country road or in barns and abandoned houses”
Not the bushes near the picnic area of a ball field? “the end of a dead end country road”? Seriously? The author must have found his own kids doing the horizontal boogie at the end of a nearby road.
The underwear thing… I can’t even begin. That’s way too eerily-specific. That must have been one of the author’s personal associations.
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6:32 pm
Nah, he did not suffer from any mental disorders. He is doing what many religious leaders do, and that is deliberately using fear to try and tighten control over his flock.
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6:38 pm
For the first number 2 “Lack of appreciation for the family’s values: Look for a lessening interest in worship activities” Don’t get mad at your children for being smarter than you.
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6:57 pm
The answer i just yes, and it’s probably gay sex
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6:59 pm
Y’all DO realize this is a satirical website, right?
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7:01 pm
lol — no I didn’t – I bought it — they got me good — lol!
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8:02 pm
HAHA, fooled me. Just goes to show how easy it is to believe that religious fanatics are so… whats the word I’m looking for… retarded.
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6:59 pm
It amazes me that anyone could be stunned that pubescent humans engage in sexual activity. It is a natural and historical constant. In fact, in the United States, people talk about sex more than they have it – and from a historical perspective that is the anomaly and “epidemic.” If Americans had not be trained over the past 30 years to be absolutely terrified of and obsessed with sexuality, we might have taken the time to solve some real problems. It is really getting boring watching and hearing sexually frustrated mid-lifers getting their rocks off by talking about “teen sex.” Can’t you think of any other way to satisfy your sexual urges?
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7:16 pm
This guy must watch too many teen comedies, and never actually had sex himself.
This whole list made me laugh my ass off.
Thanks for the good laugh, can always count on Christians for that, and fear mongering, fake doomsday prophecies, and bad Republican candidates.
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7:24 pm
2 Questions for Stephenson
1. Have you ever had sex?
2. What’s it like?
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7:29 pm
This entire list is the reason for every single problem in the world. From terrorism to petty theft at the grocery store. I literally may go vomit from disgust and I don’t have kids nor do I plan to have any. I am a “20 something” (25 to be exact) and if my parents were monitoring my sex life I would kindly tell them to f off and probably not speak to them for a long time.
And what has my “dirty sexually promiscuous lifestyle” gotten me?
I own my own house.
I have multiple advanced degrees and am about to get my PhD.
When I wasn’t in school I had a full time job.
I have a social life and GASP I also stay out past 11:30 pm.
You would be better off teaching your precious snowflakes about safe sex, healthy relationships, or how to make life goals rather than forming a worthless prayer circle and giving them purity rings. But that’s fine the world needs the next generation of close minded, pro-life, fundamentalist psychopaths to really help build our future.
STFU GBTW (go look up that “crazy interwebs slang”)
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8:24 pm
This is the dumbest website I’ve ever seen and the “internet slang” dictionary is wrong on so many points. Get a life and stop trying to run others based on your pathetic misguided beliefs.
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8:39 pm
Um, you people do not seem to understand that this is a hoax website, no? It’s ironic, satirical, and altogether amusing.
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8:40 pm
This is a VERY informative article! In our God-centered household, we have found the CB-6000 male chastity device to be a useful device for controlling and channeling the sexual urges of our strapping, athletic 19 year-old son, Randy, toward higher purposes.
My husband, Tom, introduced Randy to this miracle device two years ago when he observed some of the telltale signs you mentioned. Randy was rebellious at first. He felt humiliated, especially by the shaving of his pubic hair that was required for the device to fit perfectly.
But after repeated Christ-centered, private counseling sessions with Tom, who was a football star in his youth while managing to keep himself pure before our marriage (and since, reserving sexual intercourse solely for the production of our three children, aged 23, 19, and 14).
A close family friend and hunting companion, Jim, introduced Tom to an earlier version of the device many years ago, and has held Tom’s “key” ever since. He permits Tom’s emissions once every three months, only after long sessions of mutual prayer, on hunting or fishing trips. I originally supplied Tom with old Playboy magazines to help him, but he told me that prayer, Jim’s presence, and thoughts of me have been enough for him to achieve the quarterly emissions that prevent untoward health effects from prolonged use of the device.
When Tom and Jim took Randy on a hunting trip, they questioned him closely about his impurity, and eventually persuaded him of the need to submit to Godly discipline with the help of his CB 6000. Randy is a happy, eager, energetic, and most helpful boy in between the quarterly trips! I cannot recommend the device highly enough!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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8:51 pm
Thank you for sharing your story and God bless!
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2:19 am
Thank you, Stephenson! You are truly a God-fearing man. I would trust you completely to guide my son on long camping trips, and assist him in shaving and powdering those special hard-to-reach areas.
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12:54 am
Wow. I really hope you are joking. That’s all I have to say about that.
As for everything else- I am 29 and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve had premarital sex. Want to know why? Because I’m a smart woman who chose very carefully the men I took to my bed. I also knew well enough to use precautions. I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve never had a STD because I learned to respect sex. That is the root of the problem, instead of teaching fear you should be teaching respect. Sex will never stop, no matter religion, politics or society. Unfortunately, your views on sex are very outdated.
To those who commented- Attacking the author won’t help, he believes what he writes to be the truth. However, most people who do not fashion their lives on the words of men from a vastly different era than our own will agree that his truth and the religion that created that truth is no longer relevant. Education is the best tool a parent can wield. Teach your children the consequences, as well as the wonders of sex and hopefully your child will grow up to be a normal, confident and well rounded adult. I know I did
.
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5:11 am
Those devices and products are intended for very advanced bondage and domination sexual practices, not for chastity.
If any of your words is true, then, I fear you’ve mistaken totally the purpose of the product and possibly caused your son severe damage to his reproductive system, forcing him to wear that thing for three months consecutively, when it’s designed to be worn for no more than a few hours.
Don’t be surprised when you’ll learn that his penis suffered severe compression damage, his tendons ripped or stretched too much and now won’t allow him a complete and healthy erection, needed for sexual intercourse and then for reproduction, or that he suffers from a chronic urinal infection.
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1:27 pm
Our son, Randy, has suffered no damage from using this Godly device. Tom and Jim examine him thoroughly when Randy is allowed his quarterly emission. Randy is allowed to remove his device in between emissions, to shave and powder his pubic area.
Randy has grown to love his Godly chastity device. He has become the eager boy he always was. He is seeing less of Wanda Jean, the temptress who was leading him astray. He talks mainly of his hunting trips with my husband and his beloved Uncle Jim.
Once God has called Randy to produce children, he will surely send a sign. Until then, I give thanks to the people who sent us the CB 6000! It has made all the difference in the world!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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12:00 pm
Allright enough. Stop hawking your weird fetish products.
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3:43 pm
Stephenson, please! These are not “fetish products,” they are Instruments of Godly Administration.
I am not loyal to the CB 6000. Whatever works is fine! My husband loves his, but he assures me there are many others!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
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8:50 pm
This is a joke…. twenty somethings having intercourse? Oh no…. what a tragic occurence.. god must be weeping.. that old bearded wizard in the sky.. concerning himself with some twentysomethings dick, or vagina.. and what they are doing with these abominations strapped between their legs… outdated bullshit… all of it…complete and utter crap…
education.. personal accountability… is that too much to ask for… guess so… i have already said to much.. as the almighty sky wizard might be watching.. and surely he/she is ready to smite!
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8:51 pm
This is a joke…. twenty somethings having intercourse? Oh no…. what a tragic occurrence.. god must be weeping.. that old bearded wizard in the sky.. concerning himself with some twenty somethings dick, or vagina.. and what they are doing with these abominations strapped between their legs… outdated bullshit… all of it…complete and utter crap…
education.. personal accountability… is that too much to ask for… guess so… i have already said to much.. as the almighty sky wizard might be watching.. and surely he/she is ready to smite!
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10:02 pm
Wow, Stephenson you are one sick puppy. Way to control people with fear. I am not a religious person at all and neither is my husband yet we have only ever slept with each other. You should be teaching children to wait until they are really ready to handle sex, teaching them the consequences that can come from sex. Protect them when they make the mistake of having sex too early by teaching them the knowledge of how to protect themselves. Having sex is one thing, having an std or a baby because no one taught you how to use a condom is just stupid. People want what they can’t have and if you forbid teens and young adults to not have sex you can be pushing them towards it. Also feeling sexy and having sex are very different things.
My husband is deployed right now and if I could not touch myself I would be going crazy. I understand that it makes sex all about me, a way for me to stay sane while he is gone. I can’t wait to share myself with him upon his return.
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2:20 am
I surely hope your husband is wearing a certified male chastity device while on deployment! Temptation lurks!
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8:26 pm
What control?
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10:08 pm
First of all, this article is one of the funniest and saddest things I’ve read in a long time.
Should parents be worried about their children? Yes.
Should they be invading their grown children’s privacy? No.
How about you talk to your children and make sure they are safe.
And what is bad about masturbating? Well besides the hairy palms and blindness. Excessive masturbating can be a problem, but that is a mental issue someone is born with. If it wasn’t that it would be drugs, alcohol, food, or something else. Treat it as the disorder it is. It has nothing to do with morality and values. Its normal.
And has anyone realized that the author is a homophobic bigot? How about your practice some of the tolerance you crazy religious nutjobs speak of.
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6:01 pm
Is it wrong to be “homophobic?” The Homosexual, by definition, Godless. He (all homosexuals are male — this does not exist with women) glorifies the erection, which was created by God to punish men.
Normal Men are forced to release themselves into the vagina of a Godly woman, whose eyes must be closed in a darkened room while she thinks of Jesus. When enough children are created, the Normal Man turns away from his shameful lust, praying for redemption from his Sin.
Appliances of the modern world, created by God and fabricated by men, can reinforce his prayer. It is the duty of men to watch over other men, using the mechanical tools and Means of Discipline created by God for this Holy Purpose.
The Homosexual burns with lust for the anal and oral cavity of another man. Tragically, he can never know God’s grace, but he can at least be appropriately restrained. Praise Jesus for that!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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10:01 pm
An excellent description of the sickness that encourages men to choose this horrific lifestyle.
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12:08 am
Thank you, Ice! Soon I will be publishing an article elsewhere on this site about the use of anal stoppers to stop Homosexuality and raise Productivity. Watch for it!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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10:09 pm
I am not sure what the funniest part of this article was, but I almost choked on my spaghetti reading about the “suggested curfew times”
From age 16 to age 21, you recommend extending curfew from 9pm to 11pm? Thats the dumbest thing I have ever read. I feel so sorry for your kids.
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10:15 pm
The bible and its injunctions against onanistic spilling of seed make much more sense when you read the Bible as the history of a galactic breeding experiment. If you be runnin around humpin everything that moves, and lowering your sperm count by beatin it, how are the scientists, sorry how is GOD going to get accurate results of inbreeding an elephant with an Anglican Bishop?
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10:22 pm
What Are The Signs You’re A Backwards, Close-minded Traditionalist:
1) You think promiscuity and sexuality are the same thing.
2) You’re worried people of the legal age of consent might be exercising that right before saying “I do.”
3) You have no professional or personal experience on the matter.
4) You write an “article” demonizing natural human acts.
5) The only book you’ve ever read is a convoluted aggregation of mythology you’ve interpreted exactly as you were told.
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10:24 pm
Is Poe’s Law at work here? This site is good, very good.
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10:25 pm
I think the porn-like pictures used to illustrate the concepts are a really subtle touch.
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11:08 pm
Okay, I have to ask: Does anyone really collect used condoms?
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11:15 pm
Only psychopaths like John Wayne Gacey – who Billings bears an uncanny resemblance to in both appearance AND career.
p.s. love your screenname!
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11:15 pm
Boy Blistered After Licking Used Condom, Grandma Says
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2010/08/26/boy-blistered-licking-used-condom-grandma-says/
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11:48 pm
This is an example of what happens when the rod is spared. A good christian would have blistered the boy’s ass at the first sign of this type of behavior.
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11:26 pm
Gay marriage leads directly to sex with elephants or anglicans.
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12:01 am
You are so SICK!! Do you really think anyone is going to take that statement SERIOUSLY?
I think it was Mark Twain that said “Better to keep your mouth SHUT and let people think you a foll then to open it and prove them it.” 
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12:08 am
Content-analysis research has repeatedly shown the feminine use of smileys as an indicator of homogay tendencies. I think we can clearly see where this child’s alliances are.
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7:02 pm
“Content-analysis research has repeatedly shown the feminine use of smileys as an indicator of homogay tendencies.”
Source, please. You Dear Abby, are WRONG. The use of smileys is due to a lack of “tone” in posts.
(One JUST for you.)
“I think we can clearly see where this child’s alliances are.”
YOU are a condescending cow. I am 52 years old and NOT some child. Once again, don’t “assume” anything. It only makes an “ass” out of YOU.
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12:20 am
Remember, God loves you. True, your Homosexual Life insures that you will burn in Hell, but God still loves you until you get there.
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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12:33 am
“True, your Homosexual Life insures that you will burn in Hell, but God still loves you until you get there.”
Why you smarmy little bi***…you know absolutely NOTHING about me. Unlike most of YOU people who are SO transparent.
I don’t believe it’s up to you or any “mortal” to be telling me where I’M going. Someone on here once said that God reads the internet. We;; if he does, I’ll be standing in FRONT if you in the line. I think you’ll find that you’ll be the one taking in the “heat” of the location, not me. 
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1:35 am
I will pray for you!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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7:09 pm
It was Lincoln, but your point is well taken.
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7:29 pm
Ummm…no. It was Twain. I may not have quoted it verbatim, but it was Twain.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Mark Twain
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mark_twain_2.html
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7:34 pm
It’s been attributed to both and, after a little research, seems to have its basis in the bible (of all places)
Provers 17:28 – Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.
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7:45 pm
Thanks for that, Adam. Very enlightening.
Funny how that works out, ain’t it? Maybe they should start paying a little more attention to what the Bible says and a little LESS to what they “think” it means.
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6:07 pm
Yeah, I’d like to see you try and fuck an elephant…
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11:46 pm
I will preface this response by saying who I am. I am an 18 year old, fresh out of high school. I’m a virgin (including sexual activities such as oral sex) and I had a girlfriend for quite a while. I also don’t believe in any kind of god, but I don’t want to factor that into my discussion of this topic at all.
First, abstinence only sex education does not work on teenagers. You might be surprised to hear this from someone that is essentially abstinent (I’m not waiting for marriage, just for maturity), but I think I might have actually tried to pursue sex if my education was abstinence only. I’m a pretty analytic person and I like to know the ins and outs of everything I’m told, and I think a lot of teenagers are like me in this respect. If my sex ed teacher had said “Don’t have sex until your married” I would have asked “why?” and honestly, probably sounded like a smart ass, but the thing is, kids actually want to know about this stuff. My school taught a LOT of safe sex and that abstinence was always the safest route.
Secondly, after learning about safe sex, I really don’t see the problem with teenagers having sex. I don’t because it’s a personal choice, but if one of my friends tells me that he slept with his girlfriend of two years, I really don’t see the problem there. I think there’s a big different between that and a 12 year old having unprotected sex, which is definitely an issue. And the masturbation thing is a non-issue honestly. It’s a normal thing to do and is actually healthy in moderation.
Anyway, I could go on, but I have to get to bed. Thank you for listening and I’m looking for responses from both sides.
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12:18 am
Derek, you must first find God and accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, or you will be condemned to Hell no matter what. But in the meantime, may I recommend the CB6000 male chastity device to control your manly urges?
I realize it will seem strange at first, especially since you will need to shave all of your pubic hair for it to fit correctly. But once you have been wearing it for a week or two, you will find your submission to Jesus increasing, along with your eagerness and energy.
Do NOT let your girlfriend help you with the device. You must find a trusted male for that purpose. Perhaps he can even shave the spots that you will find difficult to reach, and apply baby powder to relieve the chafing.
Give the key to the device to that man. Every three months, go to a secluded place together and pray, and when you are finished then, with his godly guidance, you may relieve yourself. Then quicky put the CB 6000 back on and resume your ordinary activities.
This is the way of Christ. It has worked for my stapping, virile young 19 year old son, Randy, whose efforts were aided by my husband, Tom, and his best friend, Jim, on hunting trips together. I am sure it will work for you.
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murpheesboro, Tennessee
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12:59 am
I’m beginning to think you’re serious.
You sicken me. You obviously have zero understanding of the natural world, and only a knowledge of a false world inside of a false book.
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2:11 am
Yes, I am serious. Jameson, you should be ashamed of yourself. You offend God, but with the help of intense Bible study and modern appliances, you CAN change!
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10:16 pm
“…with the help of intense Bible study and modern appliances, you CAN change!”
What are you, a sales rep or something?
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11:58 pm
I only represent God!
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1:05 am
Love it! Hysterical!
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6:09 pm
Kudos to you for being a freethinker and not having to rely on the crutch of religion (in general, and Christianity in particular) to get through life.
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6:13 pm
I like you, Derek.
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4:02 pm
So I see that you are sluttishly “trolling” the Internet for boys! Turn to God before it’s too late!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
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12:12 pm
And your husband is an incestuous bisexual; let’s not throw stones, shall we?
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8:32 pm
Dipshit. Trolling is the deliberate spread of misinformation for the express purpose of laughing at somebody’s gullibility. Try visiting Yahoo Answers!
artoftrolling.memebase.com
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10:47 pm
DJ, thank you for this. I almost boned your sister
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12:28 am
While I can understand and do not fault parents being concerned about their teenagers sexual behavior, I find this instruction manual on how to surreptitiously discover what they are doing appalling.
About the only thing it lacks is instruction on how to hack into their children’s email and social networking sites accounts, although by giving changes in passwords as a sign of sexual activity, it implies that is a good thing to do. How else are parents going to find this out unless they try to determine passwords?
In my opinion, the appropriate thing for parents to do is to insure that their children are well informed about the risks of sexual behavior (which I might add apply to older people as well as teenagers), and to develop and cultivate a relationship where their children trust and respect them enough to listen seriously to what you say, and come to you for advice when they feel the need for it.
Parents who act like detectives and confront their children about what they find out are not going to get the result they want. I am willing to bet that besides it evoking anger, resentment and mistrust, the child will just find a way to evade parental detection and do whatever they please in the sexual arena. In fact, in some cases, they will go even further.
You cannot make your children change their behavior by doing what this article suggests. But you can make the situation worse.
Oh, and by the way, I am a grandfather and I have often gotten complements on the character of my daughter.
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2:15 am
What is very scary is your liberal permissiveness. If more parents would combine the Bible and the wonderous CB 6000 male chastity device to restrain their virile young sons and channel their enthusiasm into productive directions, we would be so much better off!
Older males need to pay far greater attention, and guide the young men into accepting chastity control as a normal part of life until marriage, and within marriage once enough children have been produced.
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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6:11 pm
Wow, you’re really pimping out the “device”.
Do you get a kickback or something?
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8:26 pm
Absolutely not!!
My husband, Tom, a Normal Virile Male, has been wearing male chastity devices since his best friend, Jim, introduced them to him at the age of 16.
Tom has tried many devices, and simply likes his CB 6000 best of all. But I assure you that we get no kickbacks. I consider this a Godly invention. If there are others that work just as well, I am all in favor of them!
How dare you accuse me of corruption! I am a Godly woman.
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9:51 pm
Usually the people that have to point out to others how “godly” they are aren’t.
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9:57 pm
“How dare you accuse me of corruption! I am a Godly woman.”
I am going to show you a paragraph from the “About Us” page whose link I have provided below. For a “Godly woman” you seem to follow in “lock-step” on the porn.
http://www.cb-6000.com/about_us.html
“The market for our product is extensive and varied. Our revolutionary line of products is marketable to the fetish enthusiast as well as couples looking to increase their intimacy and sense of adventure. The target customer is diverse. The product appeals to men and women alike. The misconception is that the male chastity device is purchased to correct a wayward husband. In reality the majority of customers purchasing a male chastity device fall into two main groups: either fetish devotees or couples interested in expanding their sexual experiences with chastity play. Chastity play can bring the spark and excitement back into an otherwise stagnant relationship. Customers who use our products in cases of infidelity find chastity play helps bring trust back into the relationship.”
They are VERY good at marketing this product.
Apparently your husband’s friend was a FREAK.
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12:02 am
I realize that these devices are sold by “sex shops” that are the work of the Devil, but if they are used for God’s Holy Purpose what does it matter where they come from or why other people use them?
The CB 6000 has turned Randy away from the Devil and toward Christ, and has given us back the Cheerful and Obedient Boy we raised. Praise Jesus!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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1:03 am
Absolutely hysterical. I can’t believe some people think this is real. Some people are so out of touch with reality that they will believe anything. Any idiot with ‘faith’ is a perfect match with the Conservative base and can be led at will into the most ridiculously obvious situations and yet they will remain oblivious. Morons!
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2:01 am
Teen sex is harmful and unnatural. A parent must be militant in keeping his children’s lives pure from this constant threat. Thanks for the great article. I am sharing it with my neighbors tomorrow night.
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5:41 pm
Yes, it can be harmful, but it is far from unnatural. Apparently you’ve never heard of hormones.
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12:03 am
You speak the Lord’s Truth!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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2:44 am
lol i don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in a loooong time… i think I’ll show this to my bf so he can have a good laugh probably a few of our other gay friends to watch their reaction just for the lulz
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4:00 am
This kind of misinformation is what leads to confusion and extremely off-base feelings about physical intimacy. It can be damaging to a young person’s feelings of self worth because they feel bad about their feelings of lust. What teenager doesn’t think about sex?
Not only that, they end up seeing sex as a horrid act, rather than an experience that brings two people much closer emotionally. While you pray for the children whose parents don’t read this article, i’ll be praying for the ones who have been subjected to its ridiculous claims.
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3:37 pm
Sex is a horrid, lurid act. The fact that it is necessary for reproduction, and that virile men desire it, proves that it was put here by God as his instrument of punishment and penance.
Prayer and faith are of course the way to overcome sex. But there are also the appliances that God has inspired men to invent. Godly inventions like the cb 6000 male chastity device can help greatly.
For those men who are afflicted with unnatural homosexual desires, the CB 6000 can be combined with a suitable anal stopper to prevent the insertion of the penis in what God clearly meant as an exit hole only.
These are only two of the many appliances that can help the Godly in their quest to overcome sexual urges. I can tell you that both of them have been important in saving our virile young Randy, age 19, from the temptations of his sluttish girlfriend, and the lures of the homosexuals who loiter at the town car wash.
My husband, Tom, and his best friend, Jim, have spent many hours with Randy on hunting trips, introducing Randy to these Godly appliances, while reinforcing the Holy Message of Christ through prayerful submission. It is a miracle to see how Randy, who was on the brink of the Devil’s Abyss, is once again the enthusiastic, energetic, obedient boy we raised him to be.
Praise Jesus!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfeesboro, Tennessee
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10:05 pm
ok…you now have me convinced that you make this shit up as you go… but kuddos to you for trying to sell S&M products… Thats so godly of you lol
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11:57 pm
What is this “S&M” you speak of?
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1:39 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism
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1
3:53 pm
That is disgusting! The Wikipedia should be taken off the air!
Yours in Christ,
Lurleen Mae Jones
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
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1:32 am
Freedom of speech is great and you are welcomed to your opinions and views. So saying this, I am glad that you are not my mother and I hope to my version of god that you are really joking. However, the site you keep posting links to must be getting quite a few hits and purchases. Here’s to free advertising!
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5:55 am
wowweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this is the greatest news article ever.
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7:25 am
|Hate to break this to you buddy, but surveys show that education is the best way to avoid teen sexual activity, not religion or other such nonsense. Sexual activity is much higher amongst religious teens than those schooled in progresssive nations such as Sweden and Norway, where sex ed starts in primary school.
America has relied on religion and ‘morals’ to teach its kids, but that has failed miserably and you currently have one of the highest proportions of sexually active teenagers. Do your research, not spout crap because it happens to be your opinion.
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11:32 am
It’s funny that sex is an all natural creation.
While the Bible is a man made creation.
Put them together and you have man made doctrines trying to control what is natural.
Who is so weak minded and brainwashed that they have to turn to a fictional book to get guidance on how to live their lives?
On a side note parents should be happy that their children are using condoms. If i was a parent and found a used condom, I’d know that my teen is being safe and responsible. Which is a mark of becoming a responsible adult, not reading a fairy tale book and being misguided.
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3:41 pm
“Oh, sorry Lord, I don’t believe in you!”
Nope… My response would probably be something along the lines of: thank you for that wild ride. Can I do it again sometime?
Seriously… life is not about meeting the grave with a perfectly preserved body. It is about landing in the grave sideways, totally worn out, screaming ‘holy ####… that was a great ride!’
Be responsible and be civil to your fellow man. The is the only lesson I needed to learn from that sci-fi book you like to quote from.
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0
1:35 am
Hear hear!
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5:24 pm
Somtimes I collect my daddies used condoms and suck out the cum and poopie stains. MMmm.. Then I collect the trophies to put me poopie hole!
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5:39 pm
Popanator, your dad uses condoms? I always had him pegged for the type of guy who just blows his load in whoever he’s fucking.
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7:51 pm
This is the stupidest article I have ever read in my life.
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8:46 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA WTF? you are all fucked up people! hahahhahha legit cant stop laughing me and my sister are dying laughing! hahaha absolutly got a kick of the “sexting” terms! im a teenager and have never heard any of those.. and cerfew time is at 9? hahahahhahhahhahahahahah i would kill myself if anyone of you were my parents! hahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahaahhahahhaahahahahahahahhahahaah agian just dying laughing.. and guess what we will have sex if we want to have sex, yall arent gunna stop them! hahaha
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9:51 pm
1) Pairing off with a single person: Teenagers date. Get the fuck over it, or get the fuck off my internet.
2) Lack of appreciation for the family’s values: People try to be themselves. Let them live their own life.
3) Sudden interest in your whereabouts or trips you’re planning away from home: Just curious, or possibly wondering if they could go over to a friends house. (NOT FOR SEX, EITHER)
3) Recently changed email or Facebook password: Afraid that their account will get hacked. It’s perfectly normal.
4) Inflated self-image: They’re just vain.
5) For girls, sexually revealing clothing fashions: Low-cut shirts are the new trend, and they just want to fit in.
Also:
5) Breaking curfew: Your curfews are bullshit. Most 12 year-olds stay up ’til midnight. It doesn’t mean anything.
Premarital sex is going to happen. GET OVER IT! As my mom once said: “Sex can’t make a marriage, but it sure can break it.”
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10:13 pm
Great! Well now I know how to tell if my teenager is having sex… minus the few weird things like sniffing used condoms and stashing them in cigar boxes, Im pretty much supposed to look for the NORMAL behavior of a teenager (like breaking curfew, inflated self-image, new clothes fashions, etc.) and assume they are having sex? Did I get that right?
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11:55 pm
Your awful advice only makes kids want to disobey you. Maybe if you just try talking to them and helping them understand the choices that they chose to make and not assume that because of these “signs” that they are off fucking in the bushes, you would have much better luck with your offspring… i feel sorry for them if these are the values that you are actually teaching your kids.
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12:02 pm
We are teaching the future leaders of America. Your types won’t end up voting, owning homes or contributing anything to society. Don’t you understand that Evangelicals hold the keys to this great nation? And for good reason, our Christian roots must be protected and nurtured.
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2
1:38 am
Makes me glad I’m Canadian then.
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8:43 pm
Makes me sad to be American. Either way, no matter what Republic/Democracy/Constitutional monarchy one lives in, in about 25 years, the leaders of the world will have been raised on memes, ‘pop’ music, and reports of terrorism/piracy/. Makes me shudder.
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6:17 pm
This article made me laugh out loud several times. Conservative, Christian parents are just completely disconnected from reality… As a general rule, it’s the conservative christian types who engage in early sexual activity. You should stop worrying about this as it’s the only thing that keeps you in “the majority”. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle.
The only way to break the cycle is to abandon ancient mythologies and embrace modern physical and social science.
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6:28 pm
Dingbat.
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3:46 am
Parents who actually follow these guidelines are only asking for their kid to massively rebel. When a teen enters Highschool they expect some sense of privacy in their lives. Washing of ones own clothing and sudden interest in regular bathing isn’t a sign of sex. It’s a sign that your little Angel is finally taking some responsibility in their lives and starting to show independence. How is this a bad thing? Sooner or later your kid will have to learn life’s lessons. I think is much wiser to join them on the journey with an open, honest, and non-judgemental dialogue. Otherwise your kids will just hide everything and that’s when bad things happen. I would rather have my kid comfortable about talking about sex with me so I fan personally prepare them with the right knowledge. Lets just say this. I would rather be the one giving them a condom then have them be secretive about their activities and end up making immature decisions hat result in an unwanted pregnancy.
Then again fundimentalists need to ask yourselfs, “how can you manage to relate to your children’s lives if you yourself have yet to really live freely?” Just a thought.
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10:00 am
I’d just like to point out that those “signs” of children having sex are completely ridiculous. I actually did MOST of those when I was a teen, and OH..WHAT DO YA KNOW?! The only person I’ve had sex with in my entire life is my husband! Here…let me explain:
What Are the Signs That My Child May Be Secretly Thinking About Trying Sexual Intercourse?
1) Pairing off with a single person: As a child moves away from his or her peer group to a one-on-one dynamic with an individual, the potential for intimate impropriety grows exponentially.
–of course the potential for something can grow, but can you really just put it out there and say “OH THIS IS A SIGN THAT MY CHILD IS THINKING ABOUT TRYING SEX?!” No. Some teens–most teens need their space. Finding someone that they can relate to and hang out with away from the noisy crowds and drama that often fills the social life of teens is the more likely reason for this “pairing off”. I didn’t find many people that I got along with as a teen, so I often only hung out with one person for extended periods of time. Yes, he was a boy. No we did not have sexual intercourse. We didn’t even think about it.
2) Lack of appreciation for the family’s values: Look for a lessening interest in worship activities, sibling play and family functions.
–This one is just flat out stupid! Most teens are going through emotional changes, and they’re trying to figure out who they are! They get easily frustrated with their families…IT HAPPENS! It’s just a part of growing up! They want to be more independent, and in a house where they obviously can’t claim that independence yet, the way to gain any ounce of it is by secluding themselves. It doesn’t mean they have sex on their minds. They just need some space.
3) Recently changed email or Facebook password: Teens will lay the groundwork for a secret experience by shutting parents out of their online social life. You will also notice an unusual spike in the usage of inappropriate websites such as Craigslist, FourSquare, Chatroulette and Grinder.
–Umm…if a parent is logging into their kid’s profiles after they’re 15 or so years old, then there’s a problem. NOT being able to have privacy will actually make the child WANT to rebel more IN SPITE OF YOU! With that being said, that does not mean that a changed password is a “sign of wanting sex.” I changed mine all the time when I was a kid when my mom somehow found out what it was. Why? Not because I had anything to hide from her: but for the principle of PRIVACY. Just KNOWING that it was my own realm….it was my escape. I would have felt more appreciated knowing that my parents’ trusted me fully. They eventually did!
4) Sudden increase in frequency of masturbation: As kids plan for sexual contact, the fantasy world they inhabit becomes a larger part of their emotional lives, particularly during the prime hormonal seasons of spring and summer.
–this: The frequency increase is due to hormones…as you said. However, masturbation is probably just used to curb urges, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that the child is wanting to go out and have sex.
5) For girls, sexually revealing clothing fashions: Low-cut skirts, short denim shorts, string bikinis, elastic-type clothing. Mothers should not be pressured into buying such clothing because “everyone is doing it”!
–This is one that kinda sorta makes sense. I agree, mothers DO NOT need to be buying their kids these types of clothes. However, I will point out that girls might be doing this just for attention–not necessarily because they wanna go out and have sex. It’s sad that they feel as though they need this type of attention. All I’m saying is, if you see your girl child doing this, DON’T JUST ASSUME they’re doing it for sex. They might just want to feel “pretty” and unfortunately, that’s what is “pretty” in today’s world.
6) For boys, switching underwear styles: This may come as a surprise, but boys in the early stages of sexual prowling often make a shift from one underwear type to another. Some go from briefs to boxers to allow for easier access during oral copulation. Others select tighter pouch briefs, low-rise trunks, jockstraps or the homoeroticized Calvin Klein brand in an attempt to impress a potential mate with the firm, abundant shape of their private areas.
—Um…okay this is reaaaaallly stupid. I don’t mean to be insulting but how can you really believe that switching underwear is a precursor to sexual activity? REALLY?! At this age, guys begin changing out in locker rooms for P.E. and sports. It could be that all the other kids have boxers, and he feels dumb in his briefs. It could be that he’s found that one type of underwear is more comfortable than another. It could be that he’s embarrassed about his “package” while changing in the locker room, so he wears the “firm” undies so the other kids won’t laugh at him (even though he’s just being paranoid. Sex seems to be the LAST reason a guy would change his underwear.
7) Use of cryptic internet slang: 8, 420, CD9, BDSM, GNOC, H4T, JSM, PNP, WS, VGL are all keywords parents need to be on the lookout for. See a complete list of terms and definitions here.
–Although I don’t know what most of these mean, I do know what GNOC and BDSM are. You’re right, these terms are risky. Though parents should only be concerned with these types. Other types of cryptic slang are completely harmless.
8) New, older friends: Most parents are aware that this is an issue for girls who have older male friends, but boys who become chummy with that sporty, festive guy down the street are also at risk. Homosexuals use the trick of athletic teams and sports outings to groom a boy for surreptitious erotic entanglements. Waterskiing, competitive swimming, hiking and karate can be minefields for young men, particularly when the steamy jocularity of the changing room leads to unfortunate voyeuristic displays of pubescent manhood.
—really? I have no words for this. /facepalm
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10:22 am
Well God bless you then for surviving the horrors of teenage life and consider yourself one of the lucky ones.
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2:00 pm
Is this not a wind up? I thought it was! Masturbation is evil – yeah right!! And curfews for 19 – 21 year olds 11pm; oh dear no I don’t think so. When you are 18 you can stay out as long as you like. Good luck with this ha ha!!!
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3:48 pm
look… here is a better idea then trying to block kids off from Sex completly, because that isn’t going to solve anything. They are going to do it whether you like it or not.
Tell them if they ARE going to, do it safe. That they might listen to.
Here is something I learned: God is a God of Justice, but also a God of mercy. He is fair, but he is forgiving. You people aren’t.
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7:20 pm
So you’re suggesting we give instructions and condoms to 10 year olds?
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3:41 am
Well, if it will teach them how to use them resposibly, why not? My parents told me what a condom was way before I was ten years old!
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8:49 pm
Yes.
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2:06 am
I think that this is the biggest load of bull ever since I first discovered The Sun. First of all, the “signs” are something that all teens will do, like masturbation or hanging out with older friends, and the “cryptic codes” are almost all wrong, or confused with another meaning. Booze and drugs don’t lead to sex, but are bad.
I realize that pre-marital sex is wrong in the Christian religion, but unless teens are raised in a very strict, religious household, they will have sex. Either tell them (if they are Christian) that they should follow what they know is right, or if they happen to be trying a new relgion, like Buddhism, or no religion (merely because they believe what they want to believe, which you should accept and encourage them to do if they know what they are getting into), then talk to them about safe sex if they really must do it, and that sex is more that what porn shows it to be, which is an act of trust and love. Do that, and the teen will be more likely to either abstain from sex, or practice safe sex with a person they truly love and care for. As for the time curfew thing, a bit later, and as for a curfew for a legal adult is kinda strange.
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2:59 am
You did NOT discover “the Sun”!!! It has been known to humans since the Earth was created by God, 6000 years ago.
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4:07 am
Gotta give you guys props here, best satire I’ve seen in ages. Keep up the good work. I love seeing people flame over this stuff.
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10:46 pm
im 16 and have had sex my dad told me to use condoms but hey you know hes a smart man un like most of the parents on here
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4:28 am
I’ll be sure to do my part in having teenage sex
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2:37 am
this is better then South Park. You fuckers are so damn stupid it’s funny as hell! XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
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3:44 pm
You people are not focusing on the real threat to kids today…….Bears on Unicycles!
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6:42 pm
I JUST HAD SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX
AND IT FELT SO GOOD
- Lonely Island
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